I am afraid I have a broken heart

[Haydn]

I am afraid i have a broken heart and am caught up in laughable cycle of self loathing and inaction. I say laughable because my finest friends around me believe i was seeing a psychopath for 2 years. They tell me i bent over backwards and jumped when she said how high. On a period of brutal self reflection i can see that they were sort of right. I deleted many FB friends (Women of course), because she told me to.

 

When we watch a movies, she questioned whether i found the filmstar attractive and if i did, how could i find her attractive. I started to lie about these things. She accused me of sleeping with almost everyone (Including several men) I had to delete alot of facebook friends because she didnt like themmaking any comments on my page. Every nice thing i said or did my motives were questioned. Every text i received was treated as a betrayal.

 

Even my daughter was was seen as a threat. I put up with all these thing. (Very sad, but no humour lines to be seen). So for 2 years i lived like this. And then she dropped me! Citing trust as an issue! For one month i have been moping like some spoiled 18 year old think the world is not fair. I have never moped before. I have had break ups before. There was a few tears but nothing i could compare with an episode of coronation street. But this feels like my heart has been ripped out. I am truly in love with woman and i know it `screams wrong`, in every way possible.

 

She has texted me a few times to tell me how she knows i was sleeping with someone else. I replied once and said of course no. But that was met with very nasty anger. She has been violent with me. (Very). I took everything. Showered her with gifts, adored her. I know i seem to be painting a very grim picture indeed.. Why do i miss this woman so much? Haydn

Edited September 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovesucks76]

You really need to re-read your post and try to pretend someone else wrote it, then tell me what you think 'he' should do here....

 

what's wrong with missing someone who abuses you? Everything!!!

 

You would benefit from talking to a professional to find out why you're stuck in an abusve RS. That's really not healthy....regardless of how much you love her.

Edited September 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

There is nothing "wrong" with feelings. Geesh, people....he feels because he is human. The real question to ask is what is going on in you to make you attracted to such an unhealthy person...to sacrifice so much of "you" to an unwell person. Like attracts like so there is an issue within you that needs addressing.

 

I agree with therapy. seek guidance to find out what's broken so you can get help to fix it and find your happy. You deserve to be happy.

[Downtown]

I know i seem to be painting a very grim picture indeed.. Why do i miss this woman so much?

Haydn, you likely miss her "so much" because the reality was not nearly as "grim" as you are now painting it. Toxic relationships do not become addictive when a man is treated only abusively, as you describe above. Rather, they become addictive -- and thus hard to walk away from -- when the abusive spouse alternates between treating a man very very good and very very bad.

 

The result is that the "highs" are so wonderful (e.g., intensely passionate sex and adoration) that a man is willing to tolerate the withdrawal periods (e.g., verbal abuse and temper tantrums) in order to once again enjoy those rapturous highs. Walking away from such a toxic relationship is akin to trying to give up a heroine addiction.

 

I therefore ask that you tell us, if you are comfortable doing so, what was so wonderful about the woman's behavior during her good periods. I also ask whether your two-year relationship consisted of a repeated cycle of push-you-away (i.e., her creating arguments out of thin air) and pull-you-back (i.e., her love-bombing you and offering passionate sex). If such a cycle did occur, did you find that she could flip -- in only ten seconds -- from one phase of the cycle (loving you) to the other (devaluing you) whenever you triggered her anger by saying or doing some trivial thing?

[AnyaNova]

I don't think anyone should chastise the OP for feeling love for his abuser.I would definitely agree with everyone who suggested some good therapy, though.

 

My first boyfriend was abusive. We dated officially for about six months, he broke up with me, but I was so beaten down, addicted to him, and I really loved him, so I was willing to accept months more of a non-relationship where we did everything we had done, but I just wasn't called his girlfriend anymore. That part still stings.

 

Still shames me.

 

But the thing is, it is like he became my god. And whether I was happy or unhappy depended on whether he was happy. And I gave up everything, moved mountains, took up holding the freaking world from Atlas's shoulders to keep him happy. But I never could for long.

 

You will love her. It will take time. I was very lucky in that I met a man a few months after I had the strength to (it was funny in the end how it turned out that I had a choice, and much more power in the relationship than I ever thought I had) sever the abusive relationship by insisting on NC, but anyway, I met a wonderfully kind man who I was with for over 10 years, and I think that really helped me out of that cycle and mindset.

 

But! Please don't actually do what I did unless you are very sure about the person you are with, and in most cases I wouldn't recommend it so soon after. By going into a relationship so suddenly I could very well have walked right into the arms of another abusive man and set myself back by decades.

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I know our experiences and feelings are different and no one can know how another truly ever feels. But you are not alone.

 

You will get through this.

 

Maybe suffer a regular breakup or two before finding the person you want to be with forever, if that is what you want. Perhaps, if you could tell us what you miss about her, and then what might have been going on under the surface when she was doing the things that you miss?

Edited September 29, 2013 by AnyaNova

[lindsay1990]

First of all, and trust us on this one: good riddance.

 

 

It is natural to have all these conflicting feelings but I'm sure even a small part of you feels relief to not be in that position anymore. Really think about it when you are feeling your downest, so there is something good out of the whole situation on which you can focus on at first.

 

And maybe wonder why you were so accommodating, to the point of absurd.

[mtnbiker3000]

And maybe wonder why you were so accommodating, to the point of absurd.

 

I believe herein lies the problem. I know this is the very question I have asked myself recently. And I have discovered the answer is the basis for a lot of unhappiness in my life. For me, it boils down to the following two issues which are inter-related:

 

1. Inability to set / enforce boundaries

2. Very low self esteem / self worth

 

These things force me to seek validation and approval from others in my life. This is a recipe for disaster and that's exactly what I have experienced time and time again...

[Haydn]

Can someone please give something to help? Even if i dont want to hear it.

 

Haydn

[Haydn]

Hello, Thank you for all the advice and support. Sorry if i have posted things in the wrong threads. All new to me. first the greatest thing about this woman was her difference to anybody i ever met before. I had relationships which lasted far longer (with my ex who is the mother of my child) We were together for 8 years and split up mutually and are great friends. She actually told me see could see trouble in this woman and in her words `Not right in the head) But this woman lit a spark in me the moment i laid eyes on her, like no one else before. She was beautiful in a way that was not my type at all. But i was almost in love with her as soon as i saw her. When we first talked she was cool and very distracted and seemed unhappy. I suppose i wanted to make happy. But i backed off at that point. She then chased me for a few weeks and i knew then that this was the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After a few months thing began to change She became surly and withdrawn, asking me where i had been if was late home from work. Then it got worse and worse. To the point everything i wrote above. Yes i put her with this because i loved her so so much. She was always so scared that someone would take me away from her. She thought was gorgeous. (Which i am not, but i can scrub up well when the need arise. The more i said she was beautiful more she disbelieved me. So much so that i was losing all my logic all my powers to be reasonable. She always say sorry after her outbursts only to re-start the argument 2 hours later. I know it looks like i took alot. I even asked help to seek some help and i would go with her and support her, i was willing do whatever it took to help her. The as i said she just texted say its over and you dont love me. I tried to reason with her but her mind was made up. Yes the sex was pretty good as i expected all of you to guess! But she even insecure about that. Since she left me, she has sent a few messages, usually telling who she thinks i was sleeping with during our time together. I gave up trying to protest and just said no. So whats to done here. Yes i went from being a successful confident man to be a human ball of misery and self destructiveness. I kno in my head i have to get out of this, somehow. Its liske she invaded my whole being. Yet love her and adore her.

[Reels]

Heart, is a very crazy thing, and also the crazy thing called love.

 

I love how you were never changed. I am myself trying to get over a break up for over 1 year now, and i see no interesting change in myself at all.. Just keep trying, because morning comes only after the night.

[Haydn]

Hello, Thank you for all the advice and support. Sorry if i have posted things in the wrong threads. All new to me. first the greatest thing about this woman was her difference to anybody i ever met before. I had relationships which lasted far longer (with my ex who is the mother of my child) We were together for 8 years and split up mutually and are great friends. She actually told me see could see trouble in this woman and in her words `Not right in the head) But this woman lit a spark in me the moment i laid eyes on her, like no one else before. She was beautiful in a way that was not my type at all. But i was almost in love with her as soon as i saw her. When we first talked she was cool and very distracted and seemed unhappy. I suppose i wanted to make happy. But i backed off at that point. She then chased me for a few weeks and i knew then that this was the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After a few months thing began to change She became surly and withdrawn, asking me where i had been if was late home from work. Then it got worse and worse. To the point everything i wrote above. Yes i put her with this because i loved her so so much. She was always so scared that someone would take me away from her. She thought was gorgeous. (Which i am not, but i can scrub up well when the need arise. The more i said she was beautiful more she disbelieved me. So much so that i was losing all my logic all my powers to be reasonable. She always say sorry after her outbursts only to re-start the argument 2 hours later. I know it looks like i took alot. I even asked help to seek some help and i would go with her and support her, i was willing do whatever it took to help her. The as i said she just texted say its over and you dont love me. I tried to reason with her but her mind was made up. Yes the sex was pretty good as i expected all of you to guess! But she even insecure about that. Since she left me, she has sent a few messages, usually telling who she thinks i was sleeping with during our time together. I gave up trying to protest and just said no. So whats to done here. Yes i went from being a successful confident man to be a human ball of misery and self destructiveness. I kno in my head i have to get out of this, somehow. Its liske she invaded my whole being. Yet love her and adore her.

 

 

I missed a question, what was good about her?

 

She seemed so far way sometimes which i found endearing, god knows why. She could be so sift and tender in the way she told me things. I was able to relax around her even the terrible time. I loved being next her. Watching her cook. Clean, god i sounld so sad here. She was also thougtful and suggested we do things i had never done. She was very emotional and had problems which always tried to solve. She always asked me what should she do. I always told her that she knew all the answers if only she looked. I would never have told her what to do. She had a fierce independence and i liked that i never want partner who would change for me or vice versa. Thanks for listening and sorry for the obvious grammatical errors.

[Downtown]

Haydn, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., strong fear of abandonment, irrational jealousy, inability to trust, verbal and physical abuse, and low self esteem -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Of course, you cannot determine whether your exGF's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis.

 

You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and a strong abandonment fear. I therefore suggest you read about BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your Ex has BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she has most BPD traits at a strong level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs.

She was always so scared that someone would take me away from her....Every nice thing i said or did my motives were questioned. Every text i received was treated as a betrayal.

You are describing a strong abandonment fear. Significantly, of the 10 personality disorders (PDs) listed in the APA's Diagnostic Manual, BPD is the only one listing abandonment fear as a symptom. Indeed, it is the very first symptom listed. Specifically, this BPD symptom is described in the manual as "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment."

And then she dropped me! Citing trust as an issue!

If your Ex is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), she likely is incapable of trusting anyone for an extended period. BPDers are so emotionally unstable, and so unsure of who they are, that they are unable to trust themselves.

 

Until they learn how to do that, they are incapable of trusting anyone else either. Sadly, this means they are unable to sustain close long-term relationships because trust is the foundation on which all successful personal relationships must be built.

She accused me of sleeping with almost everyone (Including several men).... I deleted many FB friends (Women of course), because she told me to....Even my daughter was was seen as a threat.

If she is a BPDer, that behavior is to be expected. Due to the abandonment fear and inability to trust, a BPDer typically tries to control every aspect of your personal life. The first objective usually is to isolate you away from all your friends and family members -- the people who otherwise will compete for your time and who will support you when you are being abused by the BPDer. Simply stated, it is far easier to control someone when you've eliminated his support network.

The more i said she was beautiful more she disbelieved me. So much so that i was losing all my logic all my powers to be reasonable.

BPDers have little control over their emotions, with the result that they frequently experience feelings that are so intense that they distort the BPDer's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Because she never learned how to intellectually challenge these intense feelings, a BPDer usually accepts them as self-evident "facts" that absolutely MUST be true. Because this acceptance of feelings as being "fact" is irrational, you cannot change her mind with rational arguments.

 

Moreover, because a BPDer is filled with self loathing and shame, she is convinced she is unlovable -- and that you will never love her if you find out what she is really like inside. Hence, the harder you try to prove your love, the more insistent she will become that you do not. The result is an endless series of tests you must pass to prove your love. As you complete one text successfully, the only thing that changes is that she holds the hoop higher for you to jump through on the next test.

She has been violent with me. (Very).

If she is a BPDer, her emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. Hence, if she is a BPDer, the violence and temper tantrums you observed is the way a four year old behaves when she has the intelligence, knowledge, and body strength of a full grown woman.

After a few months thing began to change She became surly and withdrawn, asking me where i had been if was late home from work. Then it got worse and worse.

BPDers typically do not exhibit their symptoms during the courtship period. Because that period usually lasts 3 to 6 months, it sounds like you got the short end of the stick (i.e., only "a few months") if your Ex has strong BPD traits.

 

The primary reason the symptoms disappear during that time is that the BPDer's infatuation convinces her that you are the perfect man, the savior who will make her happy and who poses no threats to her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment). Hence, the infatuation holds those two fears at bay. As soon as the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, the fears return and you will start triggering the anger she carries deep inside.

She just texted say its over and you dont love me. I tried to reason with her but her mind was made up.

As I said above, it is impossible to convince her (for any extended period) that you truly love her if she has strong BPD traits. Consequently, what often happens with BPDers is that their abandonment fear becomes so intense that they will preemptively abandon their partners in order to stop the pain.

 

This is not to say a BPDer will stay away from you for very long. On the contrary, it is common for BPDers to breakup and reconcile many times before finally walking away permanently. A poll taken among BPDfamily.com members, for example, found that 60% of the couples had 3 or more breakup/reconcile cycles before finally separating for good. And a third of the couples went through 6 or more of those cycles before ending the relationship permanently.

Yes the sex was pretty good as i expected all of you to guess!

Pretty good? Really? If your Ex is a high functioning BPDer, you likely experienced the best sex of your lifetime. Because BPDers have little impulse control and extremely low personal boundaries, they typically produce sexual fireworks during the infatuation period -- and occasionally thereafter on the increasingly rarer days that they are "splitting you white" (i.e., perceiving you to be "all good").

 

Generally, those "fireworks" go off a cliff right after the wedding, if not before. They briefly reignite, of course, when the BPDer has left you and is trying to pull you back into the relationship.

I went from being a successful confident man to be a human ball of misery and self destructiveness. I kno in my head i have to get out of this, somehow. Its like she invaded my whole being.

If you've been dating a BPDer for two years, consider yourself lucky if you are only feeling miserable. A large share of the abused partners in BPDer relationships feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they are going crazy. It is very disorienting to be with a lover who flips back and forth between adoring you and devaluing you -- and can do so in just ten seconds for no apparent reason.

My finest friends around me believe i was seeing a psychopath for 2 years.

Perhaps they are right about the psychopathic behavior. That is NOT what you are describing here, however.

She was very emotional and had problems which always tried to solve. She always asked me what should she do.

It is common for a BPDer to seek the opinion of her partner on numerous decisions. Because a BPDer has a very fragile, unstable self image, she cannot know today what things she will like a month or two from now. She therefore will seek out a mate who can center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction.

 

Yet, if you make the mistake of offering an opinion on what she should do, she likely will later beat you over the head with it -- claiming that you always try to control her. Indeed, even if you keep your mouth shut, a BPDer will still have a powerful feeling that you are trying to control her. Hence, if your Ex has strong BPD traits, she likely is very controlling and she projects that controlling desire onto you -- to the point that she believes it really is coming from you.

She had a fierce independence and i liked that i never want partner who would change for me or vice versa.

Perhaps so. Yet, if your Ex has strong BPD traits, I suspect you are mistaking her very controlling nature for "fierce independence." The main reason BPDers refuse to change is not their strong independence but, rather, their lack of self awareness. Their subconscious minds protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality.

What was good about her?

If she has strong BPD traits, that question is easy to answer. When a BPDer is behaving good, she is very VERY good. And when she is acting bad, she is very VERY bad. BPDer relationships therefore are very toxic and very addictive (unless the BPDer has had many years of therapy). They offer the same exquisite highs and painful withdrawals of heroine addiction.

 

Moreover, high functioning BPDers are very easy to fall in love with. If your friends find this hard to believe, just remind them that two of world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD, if their biographers are to be believed.

When we first talked she was cool and very distracted and seemed unhappy. I suppose i wanted to make happy....I even asked her to seek some help and i would go with her and support her, i was willing do whatever it took to help her.

If your Ex really does have strong BPD traits, you likely are an excessive caregiver like me. Any man who has been tolerating an abusive BPDer for two years likely is an excessive caregiver. This means that your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). It also means you tend to mistake "being needed" for "being loved."

 

If that is true, you are at great risk of taking this woman back when her feelings change and she decides to pull you back into the toxic relationship. Even if you do manage to resist her charms, you are at risk of leaving her only to run right into the arms of another needy woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest that you learn to spot the warning signs for BPD so you know what red flags to look for. An easy place to start reading is my description of the warning signs at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Haydn.

[Haydn]

Thanks downtown. Everything you have said makes and awful lot of looking back. BDP is pretty new to me so will check out the link and i would be happy to talk you.

 

Update. I had a few nasty emails in the last few weeks. She said she wanted to be my wife etc....But then said i was wrong and i would never understand.

 

I have blocked her from everything apart from email.. She can longer call my mobile.

 

Haydn

[Haydn]

Thanks downtown. Everything you have said makes and awful lot of looking back. BDP is pretty new to me so will check out the link and i would be happy to talk you.

 

Update. I had a few nasty emails in the last few weeks. She said she wanted to be my wife etc....But then said i was wrong and i would never understand.

 

I have blocked her from everything apart from email.. She can longer call my mobile.

 

Haydn

 

Hi Downtown, I have read everything i could in the last few days on BDP, totally new to me. But nearly all this stuff rings true when reviewing my relationship with my ex. I hope she can sort it out somehow but i truly doubt. It makes me very sad that i could not help and also coupled to that, i still miss her so badly.

 

Haydn

[Downtown]

Haydn, thanks for the update. Yes, it is sad that you cannot fix her or make her happy. I understand that helpless feeling all too well. If you ever want to read more about BPD symptoms, I suggest you take advantage of the professional, excellent articles in the resources section at BPDfamily.com. My favorite is article #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

[Haydn]

This stuff is so interesting. I can relate to all most all of it. Thanks for the link.

I just high lighted a few bits of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

]In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you. (i am with that)

 

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through. (Yes)

 

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

 

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

 

 

Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special. (This bit is scary)

[Downtown]

At the risk of overwhelming you, I will suggest another favorite article of mine. It is Shari Schreiber's explanation of how we caregivers get to be this way in our childhoods. Her article is at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. If you decide to read it, please be patient. The latter half is better than the first.

 

She has another good article at AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.. If you follow her "Articles" link at the top of the page, you will find about three dozen articles that she's written about BPDer relationships.

[JourneyLady]

Do take into account her past relationships. It's also known that being with someone with BPD for a long period of time can cause a type of psuedo-bpd in their partner. When a break-up finally occurs, the person who was not bpd can exhibit many of the same symptoms.

 

I tried to start a new relationship too soon after breaking up with my ex-narc bf. It wasn't a good idea to do that so soon and owing to PTSD and a difficult situation and being in an LDR, I went a little nuts when he began to withdraw suddenly for no apparent reason. I can see it now, but back then I just felt I was trying to get him to communicate with me. I didn't know what was going on or why, and I panicked. It made me look crazy to him unfortunately, and he lost interest.

 

(Nothing like asking him to defriend friends and such. I just was too persistent in trying to get him to explain... and when he wouldn't, I would read his stuff online just trying to figure out whether we were over for good or not.)

 

That doesn't sound like the case here, but it might be important to ask if this woman has ever been cheated on and/or abandoned... Still needs help and still a red flag though.

[Haydn]

Thank you Journey lady. I would love to talk to her but its just not possible for me to do that. I am pretty sure she was abused in other relationships but to try to reach out now and ask her for more....well the moment has passed when i really really could have help her and i tried. But i seem to have been the one who has dissected my life and am still trying to make all the pieces fit again. Being dropped by this woman has devastated me the point where i question my thoughts and emotions. If she reached out to me then maybe just maybe i would do something but i would tell her to seek help, of any kind. Downtown has opened my eyes to some very illuminating stuff and i can see connections everywhere. I deeply love this woman but if i hear or see her it will greatly diminish my chances of recovery.

[Haydn]

Hi all,

 

Took my first social steps yesterday. Went out with an old friend in London, had a few beers, a good chat and felt not so scared. I didn`t go for any woman or attempt to use any one of my terrible chat up lines but for the first time in months i noticed them again. I have been pretty terrible around large groups of people since she left but yesterday i felt ok. The only problem was when i came home and i seemed to miss her more than ever before. It was like i was betraying her by having fun, crazy, yes? I felt quite quite bad and fell into a horrible lucid dream about sex with her and how she came back and everything was alright. Obviously i awoke and i felt like a lorry had parked on my stomach. Why the hell did i feel so guilty for having a good time? Anyway i am going to a football match tomorrow, Good night. Thanks.

[Downtown]

Haydn, thanks for returning to give us an update. Hope you have a good time tomorrow at the football game. You deserve it.