AriesGirl803 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Just looking for personal experiences and/or opinions here. I've noticed a lot of time when things don't go right in a relationship (or potential one) that people will chalk it up to the dumper just being scared. I've always thought this was a cop out and have been under the impression that if a person wants something bad enough they will go after it regardless. However, since I've recently had my heart ripped out and handed to me on a platter it's making me rethink this. I can see why after so many times of that happening (maybe even just one) someone would tread with caution. I'm pretty much over my ex, but I don't want to date again. The thought of falling for someone and giving them the ability to hurt me freeeeeeaks me out. Anyhoo, just wondering what your thoughts were on the subject.
crazybestie101 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I feel same way. After being dumped in two relation , i kind of lost faith in dating. I think when other person don't feel things right they will end things with you regardless of how much you both are involved , how much you did for other person. I have learned a lot from first break and put those lessons in practice in second relationship but again there was something that lead to break up. Now , i just don't trust men and keep telling my friends that i will date again. Its all risky and crappy. 1
AnyaNova Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You mean as a reason for ending a relationship? Yes. Decidedly. I am too tired to post a link tonight, I can tomorrow, but if you want to read about my story, you can if you look at my threads, and go to, "What happened, I don't understand." I have received multiple confirmations that most likely, he left as soon as the fear became to great after he realized that he loved me. And it makes so much sense. And it is heartbreaking. 4
Phoe Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 While I'm sure it does truly happen, I think it more commonly IS used as just a copout. It's never affected me. I've had the worst luck imaginable with dating and have been treated like garbage, emotionally and physically abused. I still stay hopeful. 1
Mz_sassy_77 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I feel same way. After being dumped in two relation , i kind of lost faith in dating. I think when other person don't feel things right they will end things with you regardless of how much you both are involved , how much you did for other person. I have learned a lot from first break and put those lessons in practice in second relationship but again there was something that lead to break up. Now , i just don't trust men and keep telling my friends that i will date again. Its all risky and crappy. Same as me. Completely been put off the whole relationship/dating thing and very happy on my atm. Maybe sometimes people do BU because their scared. But I never understood that. One post someone said their OP broke up with them because they were scared they would leave them. WTF? Makes no sense to me. And if that's how you feel then why get into a RS in the first place. I think in general whatever the reason anyone gives - compatibility, not in love with you anymore, etc - I think its all code for I am bored of you and think I will be happier and have more fun with someone else. Sad...but true. People just don't respect relationships anymore. There is no loyalty. There is no sticking it out for the long haul. There is only now. I love you now. As soon as their is a rough patch, its not exciting all the time, the honeymoon phase wears off...that's it, they are out of there. 5
xUnknown Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 People just don't respect relationships anymore. There is no loyalty. There is no sticking it out for the long haul. There is only now. I love you now. As soon as their is a rough patch, its not exciting all the time, the honeymoon phase wears off...that's it, they are out of there. yep..sounds pretty much like my situation
AnyaNova Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Same as me. Completely been put off the whole relationship/dating thing and very happy on my atm. Maybe sometimes people do BU because their scared. But I never understood that. One post someone said their OP broke up with them because they were scared they would leave them. WTF? Makes no sense to me. And if that's how you feel then why get into a RS in the first place. I think in general whatever the reason anyone gives - compatibility, not in love with you anymore, etc - I think its all code for I am bored of you and think I will be happier and have more fun with someone else. Sad...but true. People just don't respect relationships anymore. There is no loyalty. There is no sticking it out for the long haul. There is only now. I love you now. As soon as their is a rough patch, its not exciting all the time, the honeymoon phase wears off...that's it, they are out of there. It really does happen. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/428642-what-happened-i-don-t-understand Be very glad you cannot understand the mindset. I means if your attachment style is disordered at all, it isn't nearly as severe and debilitating as it could be. It also means that you won't rip someone else's heart out trying to spare yourself future pain, by making it hurt now. If you want an in-depth analysis of the attachment issues at play by someone who knew alot about them and went back and read the "what happened" thread you can find them mid-thread here. Coping - LoveShack.org Community Forums /433645-miss-cuddles I agree, in most cases, I think it is used as an excuse or a cop-out. But believe me, it happens and the reality and the experience thereof is absolutely brutal.
thembones Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I just had the same thing happen to me. She was falling in love with me and that scared her. She told me exactly that on the phone. I understand her view, but I think it's kinda a cop out. It just doesn't make a lot of sense.
AnyaNova Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I just had the same thing happen to me. She was falling in love with me and that scared her. She told me exactly that on the phone. I understand her view, but I think it's kinda a cop out. It just doesn't make a lot of sense. For me, being able to understand his mindset really did help. If I could recommend reading the in-depth analysis (it is mid-thread, about where Monkeymaid starts contributing, he is the one who clarified everything) of my What Happened thread in the "Miss Cuddles" thread, it might really help you get clarification on wtf was going through their minds when they did what they did. Granted, I was given the male perspective on it, so perhaps some women with attachment issues could ring in, as well, but at least the fundamental worldview is explained.
tjr Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Hmm a lot of people avoid many things because of being scared. Partly because the out come is unknown if you give in, and combinations of anything. Most people dont regret when they push past their fears even if out comes are not what was desired, but lots regret not facing them. Its why so many things dont change in many aspects of life.
fujidabruin Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 have been under the impression that if a person wants something bad enough they will go after it regardless. However, since I've recently had my heart ripped out and handed to me on a platter it's making me rethink this. I can see why after so many times of that happening (maybe even just one) someone would tread with caution. I'm pretty much over my ex, but I don't want to date again. The thought of falling for someone and giving them the ability to hurt me freeeeeeaks me out. Hey Ariesgirl, I think people sometimes say "SCARED" when they want to end things because it sounds better than confused; turned-off; bored; distracted; etc;..... and sometimes they do feel scared. I believe the fear often comes from the vulnerability. Especially after having your heart stomped on once or twice, it can be difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable again. It is just a learned response through experience. But, if we really want to give, receive, and truly share love..... do you not have to allow yourself to be vulnerable??? 2
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 At 16 the first guy I ever dated called me his girlfriend after we'd been together for a few months. I flipped out. The ramifications of what that meant & the idea that he might eventually start pressuring me for sex terrified me. I literally broke up with him the next day because I was so immature I had no idea what to do next. All the poor guy was something most teenaged girls want, give me a label. There was more too it than that but the guy I dated in graduate school dumped me because he said he kept thinking that the way things were going between us, all he could see was that we would eventually end up married & he didn't want that. On some level I think he was scared to be married to me, because I never fit into his mold of the perfect subservient wife.
aybc123 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I'd agree that it's usually used as a copout. Specifically if someone has an endpoint in mind for a relationship. Such as 'i like this girl but im not falling for her, i still enjoy spending time with her so i'll carry on doing that providing things stay the same'. Then the other party goes and falls in love and tells the person and they're like '**** they love me and i know i dont love them and im not going to, i guess i should end it'.
sambo77 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I feel same way. After being dumped in two relation , i kind of lost faith in dating. I think when other person don't feel things right they will end things with you regardless of how much you both are involved , how much you did for other person. I have learned a lot from first break and put those lessons in practice in second relationship but again there was something that lead to break up. Now , i just don't trust men and keep telling my friends that i will date again. Its all risky and crappy. Spot on for me...I 100% feel like this now. I think that rejection by my son's (highly incompetent...grrrrrr) mother REALLY burned me. The manner in which she "bailed" on our relationship (just upped and left us for another guy in a city 2 hours away...leaving me and my then 3 year old son to pick up the pieces...which I'm still doing, just...juggling working and looking after my son f/t) scarred me in these ways: (1) She "rejected" me at a time when I needed her support most...the one time I became weaker...she couldn't handle it. This left me with big fears that my vulnerability is not acceptable and I'm not loveable if I show it. (2) She cheated on me with another guy and bailed when she knew it was safe to do so...completely lost my faith in human decency. (3) She left me to pick up the pieces and hold up the welfare of our (HERS too) son...while she sodded off to live her ideal life, with the new guy, searching for a career of her dreams. (4) I felt that she used me to get to a place she needed to be...got there...and fled. I felt disposable and used. THESE WOUNDS WERE DEEP AND PAINFUL. My current ex did many of the same wounds even deeper: (1) She rejected me as soon as I started to show that I have needs and vulnerabilities too. She had no interest in propping me up as I had her. (2) She started looking to date again while we were still together. Lied. Deceived me. Peed all over my trust. (3) She used me to prop her up after her divorce...made me feel like she was in love with me. When I'd served my purpose she moved on. NOW THESE WOUNDS ARE F**KING DEEP AND F**KING PAINFUL. I am now scared...to trust someone, to love someone, to open myself up to someone. I have lost faith in deep attachments to others. These two relationships (and I know I played my part in both...not denying that) certainly make me relationship-phobic at the moment. I want one deep, deep down...but I'm scared of them now. I guess that's classic insecure attachment stuff...you need love (we all do)...but you're scared ***** of it at the same time. Scared ***** of the thing you crave most...
lindsay1990 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I agree with you. Cop-out. Scared? Maybe of breaking up later and feeling guiltier/things getting uglier. But of falling in love? Getting too close? naaaahh. People take that risk regardless, up until the moment they feel it's worth it. When they bail? it's probably because they thought it stopped being worth the risk or the hassle.
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