If you want your ex back, I'm not sure that no contact is your best option...

[XNemesisX]

I was thinking about this no contact thing from the dumper's perspective...

 

Of course, my most recent ex broke up with ME so I am thinking about this from when I was the dumper with my ex ex (the boyfriend before my most recent one). He did the no contact, and honestly, I forgot all about him. I never called him either. He ended up calling me about 10 months after the breakup. If his no contact had worked, I would have been the one to have called HIM. He let me forget about him. Well..either that or I just didn't have feelings for him at all anymore by the time I broke up with him.

 

Now fast forward to my most recent ex. There have been a few times where I have broken up with HIM in the past. He did NOT do the no contact. He would leave notes on my car, call, email, you name it. Even when I would tell him to please leave me alone and that I wanted to have nothing to do with him. He still kept pursuing. THIS is what worked. I think it is because it showed me that the relationship really meant a lot to him, and he was bending over backwards to get me to take him back. Now, you can analyze this in different ways. It could mean that maybe I did still love him deep down, or it could mean that he just wouldn't let me forget about him! Well, whatever it was - his approach worked, the ex ex's didn't.

 

During the last breakup in May (when he broke up with ME) I did not do the no contact whatsoever. We ended up getting back together (until now of course - broke up again )

 

I don't know...this is just making me wonder if no contact is not a good thing to do if you really want them back. Of course, you should never make yourself look like an obsessive psycho or anything, but keep a happy medium. No contact right off the bat makes you look like you don't care, too much contact and you seem pitiful.

 

Just wondering what experiences you all have from a time when you did the breaking up. Did your ex do no contact? If so, did it make you want them more or less? Did your ex do contact? If so, did it make you want them back or just drive you farther away?

[moon]

I have read and answered some of your posts and in your case, I wouldn't contact your ex. Period.

 

I think not contacting somebody when you break up is also just out of respect for them and yourself. You know the relationship got to a breaking point and no matter what you and they need to cool off.

 

But what does it matter if this guy runs right back to you? Seriously that's how I see it. I've got time. If my ex comes around in two years......whatever. Why does it have to be right now anyway? Bugging and trying to get somebody to get back together with you (unless you're highly skilled in coersion and manipulation) you just look totally foolish and make yourself feel bad and stupid.

 

I totally ruined a fairly good relationship once because my boyfriend moved away and broke up with me (but it didn't even feel like a break up because we were kissing at the airport.)

 

But when he came back about six months later I really did make a fool out of myself trying to get us back together. He literally told me that he had wanted to get back together with me anyway, but all my carrying on just was a big turn off for him. If I'd been cool, if I hadn't initiated all the talks, if I'd played a little hard to get........Maybe he and I would be married now (I can't even imagine it). We had a great relatioship. I ALWAYS think of that now. It taught me a lesson, because I made myself look pretty foolish. But my mind was racing. I thought he was "the one". Not.

 

Seriously, just be cool. Just step back from the situation, get yourself a few hobbies, make youself unavailable in a way.....and usually you'll get more from that than repeatedly calling their house on speed dial, knocking on their door to talk....etc. Seriously it just reaks of desperation. Do you want to be that girl?

 

And come on let's face it (for the most part) men do a better job at still looking cool and trying to win their women back. It is just the truth. Your ex putting flowers on your car. I mean if a girl did that she'd look like a total stalker.

 

So let's be serious. But I wish you luck in getting over your break up. I think contact after a break up just makes the dumpee feel more desperate as the dumper pushes them away. I've never known begging and pleading to win a man back.......unless he hasn't actually made up his mind.

 

Put it this way.........if your ex really likes you he'll call again. If not, then you'll just be that much further along forgeting about him. Your ex sounds like he needs a few ultimatums (I saw your other posts). He needs to TRY to be a one woman man-----do you really think your ex is capable of that? If not then it'll be you sharing him with the rest of the female population. Do you want that? I think it is hard for a cheater to really change. They have to want to and it sounds like you ex doesn't.

 

I'd stick with no contace. Seriously. You are just doubting youself. That is natual. But it doesn't really seem like you have an option.

[XNemesisX]

Moon,

 

Yeah you are right. I am having a few doubts at the present moment. I have been doing no contact, but did unfortunately slip up last night. Dumb idea I know. I was bored and thought well, there is nothing he can say to me that will make me feel any worse. I can't even cry anymore - I'm pretty numb.

 

I called him and he acted a lot differently. He said that he would think about giving this relationship another chance. Now, after I got off the phone I thought to myself...well looks like he is having doubts. BUT is this what I really want? Do I REALLY want this character back????

 

I am happy to be on LS because sometimes I have a selective memory and need to be reminded just why I shouldn't want him back. I definitely don't want to be sharing him. I forget about all the turmoil I have been through while we were together. Him carrying on with other people....

 

I think that from this point on I will do straight up no contact, no exceptions. Dang, its hard. I think with it being this time of year it makes it harder. Its so lonely being by yourself right now, its snowing, and cold. Just would be nice to have someone here. I just gotta stay strong.

 

You made a good point about how guys can get away with doing all of that post-breakup pursuing and girls have a harder time pulling it off. The time I got him back in May was probably pretty pathetic. I remember him saying no over and over. But then finally said he would come back just for the "affection" and then see what happens. Of course, we got back together. Was that really a good thing though now in hindsight?? I should really ask myself that.

 

I think that deep down I know I shouldn't want him back. AT all. I wish spring would hurry up and get here. What an awful time of the year to have a breakup...

 

Just gotta remind myself that its the loneliness making me doubt myself and not that I REALLY think we should be back together. My emotions are so mixed up anymore. One minute I am all about not ever EVER getting back wtih him or even trying, next minute I sit in my house by myself, and think to myself "anything is better than this - even being with an a**") I hope that I will be able to think more consistently in time. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

[Universe]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

One minute I am all about not ever EVER getting back wtih him or even trying, next minute I sit in my house by myself, and think to myself "anything is better than this - even being with an a**")

 

I didn't read you other posts, so I don't know the whole story. But anything IS better than being with an a**. Being alone is hard, I should know, but it's the only way for you to really heal. Lonliness is so hard especially this time of year.

But it's going to be lonely for your ex too. And they need to experience that alone-ness if they're ever going to come back.

Now it sounds to me like you don't want this guy back. Don't try to get him back just because you're lonely. That's definitely a bad idea. You need to learn how to be alone and be comfortable in that capacity. Otherwise you're just being needy.

 

About No Conctact:

Obvsiously, every situation is different. One thing that I'm convinced NC will help the most with is getting over it already. I think it's a risky move depending on your circumstances if you want the person back. But i think it inevitably must be instituted at some point if your ex tells you they don't want you back.

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. We were together 5 loving years. When we broke up, I employed No Contact mildly. Basically, I took her calls (which were few) and didn't call her. She knew I wanted to get back together so I never repeated the fact to her and was never needy or weak on the phone.

After almost two months I couldn't stand it anymore and went to her sort of deperately trying to get back together. I found out she started sleeping with an older guy (I'm 26, she's 25, and he's 37) two weeks after we broke up. As I was devestated, I knew it was my fault that I had pushed her so far. I won't go into it. Long story short, I decided I still loved her.

I really wanted to go to strict No Contact at this point. Maybe I should have. But there were 3 reasons why I didn't 1) she never would have seen how much I've recovered from the relationship and how confident and comfortable with myself I've become. 2) she has a pretty bad abondonment complex. 3) i bumped into a really good long time friend of hers (who I've also become friends with over the years) who assured me that this guy was just a fling and that he thought she wanted me back but just needed some time alone; and that if I didn't make the initial effort, that she would feel abondoned and hate me for it.

Since then we've hung out three times in as many weeks and I've made a very good showing. She was really warming up to me the last time. I've made it very comfortable and we've had some very "pleasant moments."

But now I'm thinking about No Contact again. I think now is the time. That's what my instinct is telling me. I've showed her that I'm healed. I've showed her how fun it can be with me. I've showed her that my love is worth something. And now I'm tired of her not taking more of the initiative to get back together. I think I've taken this as far as I can.

I came to this realization after we'd already made plans for tonight to hang out and go to a concert. I was thinking about cancelling, but instead I'm going to go. If the appropriate time arises, I'm going to tell her that I love her and only want for her to be happy even if that means her being happy without me. After that there'll be nothing left I can do but move on completely. If she waits too long, I'll be gone.

I hope she doesn't. But there's nothing I can do about it.

 

So my point is this. No Contact can be good and bad depending on your situation. I think in most cases it's good. But in my case, I don't think there would have been any chance if I had not met with her and created some final good memories for her to attach to. Now I feel there is at least a chance. And now I'm moving on totally and feel really good about it. I still miss her, but that will change over time. I'm not going to let that get in my way. She may or may not come back. But at least now I feel like I've done all I can.