How would you like to be informed?

[Faery]

I had my courage all up for Monday and the mutual friend postponed until Thursday. I thought about going alone but I really think she needs someone to be with her besides me. Tomorrow it is.

[BetrayedH]

I had my courage all up for Monday and the mutual friend postponed until Thursday. I thought about going alone but I really think she needs someone to be with her besides me. Tomorrow it is.

 

Way to summon the courage. Well done. I'm not sure why you feel she needs someone else besides you but, so be it. Good luck tomorrow. I'll be keeping an eye out for your update. If nothing else, I think you'll going to start to see some resolution to this soon.

[Betterthanthis13]

Good for you, I hope it goes as well as something like this possibly can. I'm glad to know there are people like you who have courage and will stick up for the truth even when it is difficult. Best of luck

[Faery]

Way to summon the courage. Well done. I'm not sure why you feel she needs someone else besides you but, so be it. Good luck tomorrow. I'll be keeping an eye out for your update. If nothing else, I think you'll going to start to see some resolution to this soon.

 

I am concerned she still won't want anything to do with me and that her denial will be so strong she will hate me even more and kick me out. I worry about her safety and what she will do because she is not only learning that her susperstar husband is a lying piece of scum but she is also pregnant and going through all that. The woman who is meeting me there is mature and very discreet and kind. I told her I needed to talk to my friend and tell her something and wanted her their to support my friend and that it needed to be kept quiet before hand. She didn't hesitate or question me. She only postponed because her daughter needed her on Monday last minute. I worked today and yesterday.

[BetrayedH]

Sounds good Faery. Good luck tomorrow. Providing her with proof along with kindness and compassion is all that you can do.

[PhoenixRise]

I am concerned she still won't want anything to do with me and that her denial will be so strong she will hate me even more and kick me out. I worry about her safety and what she will do because she is not only learning that her susperstar husband is a lying piece of scum but she is also pregnant and going through all that. The woman who is meeting me there is mature and very discreet and kind. I told her I needed to talk to my friend and tell her something and wanted her their to support my friend and that it needed to be kept quiet before hand. She didn't hesitate or question me. She only postponed because her daughter needed her on Monday last minute. I worked today and yesterday.

 

Good for you for being compassionate to her possible need for support from someone other than you when you tell her.

 

Faery It seems like you really miss your friendship with this woman and are hoping to recover the relationship you once had with her.

 

Please be prepared for that not to happen, at least not in the near future. She may be too embarrassed at first or at least in the near future you might be a painful reminder of how she was deceived by her husband or she might just not believe you and deny the reality of your proof.

 

You are doing the right thing in telling her and giving her your evidence, and I hope you can get your friend back, just don't get your hopes up. Be prepared for that not to happen right away.

[BetrayedH]

When I discovered my wife's affair with her boss, I eventually decided to tell the other man's wife. Like you, I couldn't get around the fact that she deserved to know. The betrayed wife was more focused on the impact to her life at first. It took a few days but she eventually reached out to both apologize and to thank me for telling her. It's only one anecdotal story but that's how it worked out for me. Some situations go even better (tight friendships form) and some go much worse. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[Steen719]

People can definitely have the wool pulled over their eyes for a long time. And it's not because they don't want to know. My exwife's affair went on for 13 months. It probably could have gone on indefinitely. I only suspected that something must be up when out of the blue, she said she might want to separate. I was clueless. She had been doing mid-day hotel stays (60-70 of them in that time) with her boss. I worked for the same, large company and knew that long hours were often required. But the biggest thing was that I just plain had blind trust in her. I didn't think she was capable. And when you look at studies on lying (and lying detection), the easiest people to fool are those that have known you for a long time.

 

To some extent, I can sympathize with your therapist's point of view. They are there to look out for you, not your friend. And to be sure, this investigating has taken a toll on you. It obviously needed to end. But I don't think it needs to have been in vain. You have a friend that deserves to know. And telling her will give her the opportunity to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. At that point, it's truly out of your hands.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You aren't destroying her life. He did this, not you. If anything, you're saving her from a potential lifetime of betrayal. Get the cards on the table and then I think you can start to let go. The only exception might be if she wants support. If that's the case, I think she'll find no better friend than the one she has in you.

 

I have never thought about that, but when I read it, I spent some time thinking about that and of course, that makes sense. We would be naturally more hesitant to believe someone we knew little about We expect those who love us NOT to lie to us. Geez!

[Spectre]

For me if I was going to be informed I would not want a letter. Reason being I can't ask a letter questions and even if I did it certainly can't answer me back. I would want to be able to ask things.

[BetrayedH]

I have never thought about that, but when I read it, I spent some time thinking about that and of course, that makes sense. We would be naturally more hesitant to believe someone we knew little about We expect those who love us NOT to lie to us. Geez!

 

Yeah, it was in a scientific study that Decorative shared here long ago. I sure miss her. One of the things they hoped to determine was if liars could be detected via any kind of particular 'tells.' But the only conclusion they really could glean from the study was that we are simply more susceptible to accepting a lie if we've known the person for a longer period. It's not that they are necessarily great liars or that we are stupid; it's that the circumstances that make us more vulnerable. And by this logic, who would be easier to pull one off with than your spouse - someone that's probably known you a long time and trusts you the most? It makes even more sense that many times an OW who forces a DDay is not believed. A BW wouldn't know her from Adam but would trust her H. It certainly firms up the need to provide proof.

[Steen719]

Yeah, it was in a scientific study that Decorative shared here long ago. I sure miss her. One of the things they hoped to determine was if liars could be detected via any kind of particular 'tells.' But the only conclusion they really could glean from the study was that we are simply more susceptible to accepting a lie if we've known the person for a longer period. It's not that they are necessarily great liars or that we are stupid; it's that the circumstances that make us more vulnerable. And by this logic, who would be easier to pull one off with than your spouse - someone that's probably known you a long time and trusts you the most? It makes even more sense that many times an OW who forces a DDay is not believed. A BW wouldn't know her from Adam but would trust her H. It certainly firms up the need to provide proof.

 

As it should be and yet....sad for those of us whose trust was misplaced.

[underpants]

Hey Faery,

 

I just want to say you are very courageous, and it is the right thing to do.

 

Your friend may still think that you did sleep with her husband, or tried to, perhaps exposing his deeds as revenge or whatever. He may convince her you photoshoped it

 

She may tell you to leave immediately, so yes, having a friend of hers there to be there for her is a good idea. Does her friend know what you are planning to do? Are you going when she will have a few hours without husband to wrap her head around the facts?

 

You may want to include a letter that gets out anything you want to say, motivations for exposing, reminding her that you did not persue her husband, being falsely accused and the extreme manipulations not only hurt you, lies cost you a valued friendship, and made you fearful for a dear friend that is the bigger victim of this man. Consider it your final words to her so be kind. She may not want to talk to you for a while or ever or maybe she will.

 

She will need to deal and heal, and she has other friends that can help her.

 

Be careful about rekindling a friendship with her based on a mutual disdain for her husband. Give her the truth, a kind letter with a wish for friendship down the road, and then back off.....like away from a bomb, back off.

 

Be prepared for some blowback. Don't talk to the Husband at all. He has shown what a master manipulator he can be so don't be baited into any of it.

It will come, avoid him, don't reply to texts or calls, hang up don't give him a crumb to work with.

 

Answer questions from her about evidence only, but if it becomes weird or uncomfortable then back off. Don't get too sucked into the drama.

 

The best of luck to you. You are a good friend.

[Faery]

I wanted to wait to post until I had time to write the whole story down. It has been a very long 24hrs and it isn't over yet. I showed up yesterday at the same time as our mutual friend. I was nervous as hell and didn't even know if my friend would let me in. She did but was very cold and almost patronizing with "what do you want" and "you have nothing to say that I want to hear." My plan went out the window and my mind went blank when we were sitting in the living room. It didn't help that she offered our friend something to drink and not me. So the patronizing was very clear hatred even after all this time.

 

I am embarrassed to say I just blurted it out. I don't remember exactly what I said but it was basically "your husband is cheating on you and I have video and photos proving it". Not great I know but I was so nervous. And then she laughed at me and accused me of not moving on which is true but her reason was bitterness over her husbnd rejecting me which is not true. I started crying and told her again all that stuff about me was untrue and that he had kissed me. I realized I was getting sidetracked, pulled myself together and asked her to look at the evidence. She seemed confidant I had nothing and was like sure why not attitude.

 

I could see when she looked at the photos that she was unsettled. She kept saying these are photoshopped. And saying him going into this house mean anything. I could say they were there for hours but I was nothing more than a crazy stalker. She wouldn't let me give an explanation and told me to leave he house. I wished then I had started with the video but I had hoped to spare her seeing it. I told her the video was of him having se with the married coworker in his car. She said she didn't believe I had such a video and so I pulled out my laptop. I have the feeling she thought she was calling my bluff and my hesitency to show her the video thinking about it now made her confidant there was no video.

 

It is hard to explain what happened next but it was like she had zero doubt in her husband and a video of him kissing this woman in the car was a conplete shock even though the photos should have been enough in my mind to at least get suspicious. The mutual friend sat next to her and held her. As soon as she started crying I stopped the video but she screamed at me to let it play. I had no idea what to do. The mutual friend and I just made eye contact or looked awaywhile she sobbed and watched the video. There was no sound to it so we just waited. That was a very agonizing twenty minutes or so and I kept waiting for her to tell me to stop it. I really wanted to stop the video and spare her. I am still shocked she watched it.

 

After the video I got up to leave. I will admit even though I lnew better I wanted her to ask me to stay. She didn't. She didn't ask me any questions. I didn't feel right about asking her right then about informing the coworkers husband. Our mutual friend walked me to the door and hugged me. She told me I did the right thing but I hurt so badly. I still do.

 

I don't know what happened after that. Nothing pretty I know because at 11:00 that night her husband showed up at my apartment. He buzzed to get in and I was so thankful where I live people never let strangers in. But I still called the cops because he was swearing and yelling at me to let him in over the intercom. He was gone by the time the cop arrive but I told them the jist of what happened and he filed a report. He told me it is very dangerous to get involved in domestic desputes and I better stay clear of them. He did plan on stopping at their house and told me to report any threatening contact from either of them.

 

I haven't hear anything today from anyone. I really hope he didn't slime his way out of this one. But I know I have to let it go if he did. Their social media still says they are married.

 

In a few days should I contact the wife asking her if I can give the info regarding the married coworker to her betrayed husband? Should I leave it be or should I just go ahead and let him know through an anonymous means his wife is cheating.

 

The cop was right. Never get involved in someone else's life. I don't regret telling but I do regret digging. And I relly do wish I had found nothing.

[BetrayedH]

In my mind, you absolutely did the right thing. Your only other choice was to just let her be gaslighted, waste years of her life, and be exposed to STDs.

 

Is the unfolding of it traumatizing? Sure. It's damn painful and that was going to happen no matter how you told her. While reading your thread, I was scared that she wasn't going to watch the video. Now she can at least make an informed decision instead of just playing the fool for someone else.

 

He will probably keep gaslighting her (probably saying that the video was the one and only time). There's nothing you can do now but be available to ask questions. I would give her some time to process. Hopefully she'll start to see through his lies. She may also still choose to believe that you were one of his affairs and a willing participant.

 

Give it some time on the other BS. Like I said earlier, I think you need to let your friend get on her feet because this could likely affect her, too. But I'll still maintain that at some point, he needs to be told, too.

 

In the meantime, take a breather. My hope is that the mutual friend reaches out to you when it's a good time.

 

And for what it's worth, I'm proud of you for having the courage to do this. There's now a chance for her life to be set right.

Edited April 5, 2014 by BetrayedH

[underpants]

Hugs. You did the right thing.

 

In time she will be thankful, or her denial won't let her see it. Either way, you stood up for yourself and exposed an injustice. Good for you.

 

I had to do something similiar last year and there is a thread if you want to read my silly saga. I became a magical crazy person capable of teleportation. If only I had those powers.

 

It sounds like she kicked him out at least for the night. Have you heard from the friend? Did you leave her with the evidence?

 

I would also give space and maybe even craft that letter to her, even if you never send it. That way if emotions or new false allegations or manipulation take over making communication too difficult, you can just hand her the letter.

 

You did good not to engage with her H. Yikes, and good for you calling the cops. If he sends you messages or texts, don't respond, but keep them. He might even send you messages or texts posing as the wife, so be careful. He is obviously used to being in control and you took that away.

 

If you do get communication (text, email, fb message) from the wife maybe you can run it by the mutual friend to be sure it is from her. He may try to create "evidence" of his own to discredit you.

 

If he confronts you on the street walk away, don't engage him.

 

You will feel better as more days go by. Have friends over, or spend the night with friends. Get away for the weekend if you can.

 

You did good.

[PhoenixRise]

faery

 

That had to be so hard for everybody involved. You absolutely did the right thing. For her, because she needs to know her health is at risk, and for you because you were smeared by this husband and you lost something that was important to you as a result.

 

Your friend has been invested in believing in her husband for a long time now AND she is having a baby with him so denial may come easy for her. The husband may minimize his current affair saying the sex happened only once and he may just throw you further under the bus and claim that you DID in fact come on to him and your exposure of his affair now is revenge based because he rejected you then.

 

Be ready for anything.

 

If you haven't done so already, maybe you can reach out to your mutual friend who was there when you disclosed to get some insight about your friend's mental state.

[Faery]

The lady I took with me last week called me this morning to update me. She told me after I left my friend cried and cried. Then she told our friend she needed to be alone to think. Our friend called her a few times over the last week and got worried when she never answered. She said she finally went to see her yesterday. My friend apologized for not getting back to her and mentioned she had had a lot of appointments. She said she was doing okay but was going to confront her husband with the evidence this weekend. She said she had told him about my accusations but didn't mention I had evidence. We think she wante him to come clean buy he didn't. I guess when he showed up last week he wanted to know what I really knew but I don't know for sure. It really is just all speculation. Our mutual friend updated me because she was concerned what the husband's reaction would be when he learns how far I went. She hadn't known about him already showing up at my door angry and she wants me to be careful.

 

I'll admit my head told me to be careful but I wasn't really afraid. Now I am.

 

*I was wondering if this is "normal" behavior on her part? I just assumed she may press him to confess and then throw the evidence in his face and kick him out on the spot. Or forgive him. I thought maybe she waited to see a lawyer or something? But I never thought of her of her being that rational when faced with such horrible news. Is it possible she is getting her ducks in a row before confronting him?

Edited April 10, 2014 by Faery
Forgot my question

[BHsigh]

*I was wondering if this is "normal" behavior on her part? I just assumed she may press him to confess and then throw the evidence in his face and kick him out on the spot. Or forgive him. I thought maybe she waited to see a lawyer or something? But I never thought of her of her being that rational when faced with such horrible news. Is it possible she is getting her ducks in a row before confronting him?

 

She may be getting her ducks in a row before confronting, she may be looking for more evidence or she may be lost and trying to figure out what to do.

 

You did the right thing Faery, I know it was hard for you, I know the whole situation was hard on you, but you did the right thing everytime that you were presented with an issue. You should be proud of yourself.

[BetrayedH]

Sure it's possible. I sat on my info for three days before I ended up confronting my wife. I probably would have gone longer except that she kept talking about how she was 'trying to work on the marriage.' After about the third time she said it, I couldn't help but ask how her hotel stay with another man was any part of her trying. If that unintended confrontation hadn't happened, I may well have just waited to confront her with divorce papers. I had already seen an attorney and hired a PI to get video proof.

 

If she's like any other BS, she probably really doesn't have the slightest clue what to do. It's pretty rough when everything you've worked towards in life was for naught and when the one person in life who is supposed to have your back is the one stabbing you in it.

 

Have you considered reaching back out to her?

[Faery]

This morning I went for coffee with my friend at her request. I had no idea what had happened or what she wanted. I was worried she wanted to tell me she had forgiven her husband and to make sure I remained silent about the whole thing. As it turns out she wanted to ask a few more questions and to apologize for not believing me about the kiss. I am not very good with showing emotion in public but I started to cry and actually am crying now telling you guys. I had hoped she would realize I hadn't tried to start an affair with her husband but I had convinced myself that we could never be friends again and I never expected her to apologize to me! We aren't bffs over one coffee but at te end when we were chit chatting she mentioned how she was hoping I'd meet for coffee again sometime. I smiled and said yes but inside I was screaming with joy. Afterwards I felt bad for it because I know she is hurting really bad and I hurt for her. It makes me feel guilty for having any joy over this.

 

During our meeting she confirmed that she had tested the waters with her husband to see if he would confess on his own. Instead he had got angry at her and told her he couldn't believe I was trying to still get him away from her after all this time. He had stormed off then and so I told her he had come to my house but I never let him in. For the next week he was pouty and then super loving she said. She did talk to a lawyer and is planning on divorcing him. She feels his betrayal is too big to forgive for her. She also got tested for stds again because she was so afraid for the baby. I guess you get tested earlier in prefnancy too? She told me he just chalked her moodiness to be my lies and her hormones. Last saturday she sat him down and showed him the video. As soon as he realized what the video was he had slammed the laptop closed and she said became violent. Threw the laptop and started screaming obscenities about me. No clever stories or denials or anything. She told him to take some clothes and leave and if he didn't calm down she would call the cops. He did leave theb with nothing. She packed some of his things into a suitcase and put it on the doorstep and then texted him it was there and that she wasn't ready to talk yet but she would let him know when she is. She told me she still isn't but he has called and showed up at their house a few times. She always leaves when he does or goes in the bathroom. So you see why I feel guilty for my feelings of joy over her having coffee with me? I am really unimportant at the moment. But I do hope I can be there for her. And I hope she gets everything in the divorce!

 

I probably won't be posting again unless something comes up but I wanted to let everyone know I appreciate all your encouragement an what felt like hand holding. I was really alone in all this.

[BetrayedH]

You did it, Faery.

 

Forgive me if I'm glad, too.

 

[10thengineerharrison]

Then everyone looked at me because they knew we had all been friends. The one girl asked me if this was true and I told her I didn't know and had never heard any stories while hanging out with them.

 

Why didn't you take this opportunity to be truthful about what happened? I think people are more perceptive than you give them credit for. Sadly, they're more likely to jump to the wrong conclusion than the right one, aided by you're willingness to help the WH use you to keep his dirty secret.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

[10thengineerharrison]

All I guess I can hope for is he gets sloppy and caught.

 

He will, eventually. AT that point, she'll feel the fool for believing him instead of you.

 

But there may be nothing you can do to hasten that day.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison