How would you like to be informed?

[BetrayedH]

I care a lot and I can spend a lot but I don't want to do anything illegal. I feel like a bunny boiler! But this whole thing has messed me up.

 

I was doing better but the bits and pieces about him actively cheating on her stirred it all up again. The var and keylogger were illegal actions I was so tempted to make but I thought if I tipped her off maybe she would have enough doubt to give them a try.

 

FML

 

Then don't do anything illegal and just hire the PI.

 

If he finds definitive proof, I wouldn't hide that you were the one that hired him.

[Faery]

Then don't do anything illegal and just hire the PI.

 

If he finds definitive proof, I wouldn't hide that you were the one that hired him.

 

I am going to do this.

[road]

I would think about informing her that you would be more than happy to pay for a polygraph for her husband and yourself and then she can judge who is really telling the truth.

 

Bp, is on the money.

[Faery]

I got the answer I knew was there through a PI but haven't contacted her. I have thought long and hard and know that I love her so very much. I can live with the false accusations and without her if it means her happiness. He is a good husband to her except for the cheating. And the lengths he goes to cover it up tell me that he must love her in his own way. After a month of nothing, her husband and the woman he was commuting with started making a stop at her parents' house that isn't far out of the way. The parents go south for the winter. The stopovers are almost daily both ways. They last anywhere from 30 minutes to three hours. I am assuming he is "working on projects". Then he drops her off at her workplace and goes to his. At first that was it but the PI managed to get a picture of them embracing romanticaly on the doorstep one time. Otherwise they go in like nothing untoward is happening.

 

I kept the PI on hoping for more. He also uncovered a workplace liason with a married coworker. He went to the city he works in for three days and went in and out of a local hotel with this other woman he works with. Nothing concrete was pulled up but a month later my friend's husband and the co worker left work around noon in his car and the PI followed him. They went to a remote area and had very active car sex all on camera. Actual sex and solid evidence.

 

And that is when I balked. She must know after living with him so long he is that unfaithful and yet chooses to live with him. I am not going to shatter her life. It feels too much like revenge. He is a scumbag behind her back but I have never seen him mean to her face. He treats her like a queen. I am sure these two women mean nothing to him.

 

Thoughts?

[BetrayedH]

I'm amazed that you would go to such lengths so that you can give a good friend the truth and then not follow-thru. Your statement that he's a good husband to her except for the cheating is almost comical.

 

Your friend seems to have made it clear that she wants the truth from you. Now you have the capability to do so but won't. I don't think this is doing her any favors. What makes you think that she must know he's unfaithful? He went to some rather extraordinary lengths to keep it from her (and succeeded). You've witnessed his gaslighting first hand. And even if she already knows, you won't be blowing up her world because she would already know.

 

I think you've done too many mental gynmastics to avoid the controntation. Telling her is the right thing. If you're afraid to do it, that's another conversation. At minimum, I'd want to clear my name with someone that was such a good friend.

[lollipopspot]

Something about this hardly seems real to me. But if it is:

 

I personally would be thrilled to be able to clear my name with my best friend. And because he's a chronic, stealthy liar (look at all he went through to smear your name), and a serial cheater, she has a right to know this about her husband.

 

He's not treating her like a queen. He caused her to lose her best friend and he cheats on her.

[Faery]

I'm amazed that you would go to such lengths so that you can give a good friend the truth and then not follow-thru. Your statement that he's a good husband to her except for the cheating is almost comical.

 

Your friend seems to have made it clear that she wants the truth from you. Now you have the capability to do so but won't. I don't think this is doing her any favors. What makes you think that she must know he's unfaithful? He went to some rather extraordinary lengths to keep it from her (and succeeded). You've witnessed his gaslighting first hand. And even if she already knows, you won't be blowing up her world because she would already know.

 

I think you've done too many mental gynmastics to avoid the controntation. Telling her is the right thing. If you're afraid to do it, that's another conversation. At minimum, I'd want to clear my name with someone that was such a good friend.

 

I guess I was so driven my selfish thoughts and my own pain I wasn't thinking about her. Reading all those threads about people who are cheated on not wanting to know made me realize she may not want to know. Finding out he has not one but two women on the side right now was worse than I thought. It sickens me and makes me angry. What will it do to her? And she must suspect because no one can be that good at covering continued affairs can they? One maybe but at least two?

 

I don't know what to do. I have the photos and I know I could walk up to her door and destroy her life tomorrow but it isn't that easy. She is pregnant. His face to face treatment of her was always sweet and kind even when she was a less than so. He could soothe her and calm her and she would cling to him. I would be taking that all away.

 

I realized my involvement was not healthy and started seeing a shrink. He feels I need to stop this unhealthy behaviour and move on. Leave well enoug alone. So I stopped the PI thing. But I still am too involved.

[Faery]

Something about this hardly seems real to me. But if it is:

 

I personally would be thrilled to be able to clear my name with my best friend. And because he's a chronic, stealthy liar (look at all he went through to smear your name), and a serial cheater, she has a right to know this about her husband.

 

He's not treating her like a queen. He caused her to lose her best friend and he cheats on her.

 

It doesn't feel real to me either. I lost faith in men after my ex and his abuse and cheating. Her husband restored my faith in men but then this. I know there are good guys out there. But the bad guys are hard to see past.

 

I know he isn't a good husband. I'm just having trouble actually exposing him. I hated him and missed her and thought this would be so easy.

[lollipopspot]

I guess I was so driven my selfish thoughts and my own pain I wasn't thinking about her. Reading all those threads about people who are cheated on not wanting to know made me realize she may not want to know. Finding out he has not one but two women on the side right now was worse than I thought. It sickens me and makes me angry. What will it do to her? And she must suspect because no one can be that good at covering continued affairs can they? One maybe but at least two?

 

I don't know what to do. I have the photos and I know I could walk up to her door and destroy her life tomorrow but it isn't that easy. She is pregnant. His face to face treatment of her was always sweet and kind even when she was a less than so. He could soothe her and calm her and she would cling to him. I would be taking that all away.

 

I realized my involvement was not healthy and started seeing a shrink. He feels I need to stop this unhealthy behaviour and move on. Leave well enoug alone. So I stopped the PI thing. But I still am too involved.

 

I'm one of those who thinks that if a spouse has a one time fling or short affair, gets straight in themselves, and never does it again, it may be better not to have the revelation.

 

But this is a different situation. He's a serial cheater, he's been caught before (with you) and schemed his way out of it, destroying a friendship in the process. He shows no signs of stopping on his own or of otherwise being an honest person who had a single lapse.

 

Would it be better if she discovers it after they have their second kid? She should know now.

Edited March 27, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Faery]

I'm one of those who thinks that if a spouse has a one time fling or short affair, gets straight in themselves, and never does it again, it may be better not to have the revelation.

 

But this is a different situation. He's a serial cheater, he's been caught before (with you) and schemed his way out of it, destroying a friendship in the process. He shows no signs of stopping on his own or of otherwise being an honest person who had a single lapse.

 

Would it be better if she discovers it after they have their second kid? She should know now.

 

Is it possible being a father will smarten him up?

[lollipopspot]

Is it possible being a father will smarten him up?

 

Nope. That's a separate thing.

[Faery]

I guess if I do tell I have to figure out the best way to tell someone their husband is having not one but to affairs. That almost everyday he is getting his jollies off. Not really a pleasant job and I wish I had never dug. I should have moved on. But I didn't and now I will be destroying her life and her baby's. FML.

[peaksandvalleys]

I guess I was so driven my selfish thoughts and my own pain I wasn't thinking about her. Reading all those threads about people who are cheated on not wanting to know made me realize she may not want to know. Finding out he has not one but two women on the side right now was worse than I thought. It sickens me and makes me angry. What will it do to her? And she must suspect because no one can be that good at covering continued affairs can they? One maybe but at least two?

 

I don't know what to do. I have the photos and I know I could walk up to her door and destroy her life tomorrow but it isn't that easy. She is pregnant. His face to face treatment of her was always sweet and kind even when she was a less than so. He could soothe her and calm her and she would cling to him. I would be taking that all away.

 

I realized my involvement was not healthy and started seeing a shrink. He feels I need to stop this unhealthy behaviour and move on. Leave well enoug alone. So I stopped the PI thing. But I still am too involved.

 

 

REALLY? NO ONE COULD BE THAT GOOD? You should probably not assume to know what a complete POS is willing to do or can get away with. If you are unsure maybe reading my story and a few others here would enlighten you to the true nature of what people can get away when a spouse trusts them completely.

[Faery]

REALLY? NO ONE COULD BE THAT GOOD? You should probably not assume to know what a complete POS is willing to do or can get away with. If you are unsure maybe reading my story and a few others here would enlighten you to the true nature of what people can get away when a spouse trusts them completely.

 

You are right. I am sorry for being insensitive for those who had no idea. I think I am just looking for rationalizations because I don't know what to do and I am so confused.

[BetrayedH]

People can definitely have the wool pulled over their eyes for a long time. And it's not because they don't want to know. My exwife's affair went on for 13 months. It probably could have gone on indefinitely. I only suspected that something must be up when out of the blue, she said she might want to separate. I was clueless. She had been doing mid-day hotel stays (60-70 of them in that time) with her boss. I worked for the same, large company and knew that long hours were often required. But the biggest thing was that I just plain had blind trust in her. I didn't think she was capable. And when you look at studies on lying (and lying detection), the easiest people to fool are those that have known you for a long time.

 

To some extent, I can sympathize with your therapist's point of view. They are there to look out for you, not your friend. And to be sure, this investigating has taken a toll on you. It obviously needed to end. But I don't think it needs to have been in vain. You have a friend that deserves to know. And telling her will give her the opportunity to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. At that point, it's truly out of your hands.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You aren't destroying her life. He did this, not you. If anything, you're saving her from a potential lifetime of betrayal. Get the cards on the table and then I think you can start to let go. The only exception might be if she wants support. If that's the case, I think she'll find no better friend than the one she has in you.

[Bootsie]

What about contacting the husband, tell him you have irrefutable evidence of what he's done. Give him some (but not all) details of what you know, eg sex in a carpark with so-and-so at a certain time and day. If necessary tell him you have video evidence, but try to avoid saying you hired a PI and definitely not which one.

 

 

Give him an opportunity to "come clean with his wife", otherwise you will take action yourself. Be a little vague about exactly what you will do. Make sure somebody else knows all the information you have and ensure that the husband knows that others know of what he's done and how to get the evidence, this is in case he threatens you personally. If he does make any threats to you, then get the police involved immediately.

[BetrayedH]

People can definitely have the wool pulled over their eyes for a long time. And it's not because they don't want to know. My exwife's affair went on for 13 months. It probably could have gone on indefinitely. I only suspected that something must be up when out of the blue, she said she might want to separate. I was clueless. She had been doing mid-day hotel stays (60-70 of them in that time) with her boss. I worked for the same, large company and knew that long hours were often required. But the biggest thing was that I just plain had blind trust in her. I didn't think she was capable. And when you look at studies on lying (and lying detection), the easiest people to fool are those that have known you for a long time.

 

To some extent, I can sympathize with your therapist's point of view. They are there to look out for you, not your friend. And to be sure, this investigating has taken a toll on you. It obviously needed to end. But I don't think it needs to have been in vain. You have a friend that deserves to know. And telling her will give her the opportunity to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. At that point, it's truly out of your hands.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You aren't destroying her life. He did this, not you. If anything, you're saving her from a potential lifetime of betrayal. Get the cards on the table and then I think you can start to let go. The only exception might be if she wants support. If that's the case, I think she'll find no better friend than the one she has in you.

 

Edit to add: there are definitely some people that don't want to know about an 'old' affair when their spouse has rededicated themselves to being faithful. I don't remotely agree with it but they are out there. But the ones that don't want to know about a currently serial cheating spouse are a real rarity and probably cheating themselves. Does this sound like your friend?

[BHsigh]

I should have moved on. But I didn't and now I will be destroying her life and her baby's. FML.

 

No, no you will not be destroying her life and her baby's, her husband is the one that's doing that. He already caused her to lose a great friend and he continues to cheat on her, he's destroying her life, not you, you're trying to save it.

[Betterthanthis13]

So let's imagine she figures out what he's up to on her own 10 years from now, gets rid of him and then apologizes to you for not believing you about the kiss at the cabin all those years ago

 

But you have been sitting on concrete evidence for 10 years that could have prevented her wasting all that time and possibly having more kids with this jackass. How would that make you feel?

 

There isn't anything pleasant about the whole situation, but you went to great lengths to get to the truth, and now you want to consider covering it up? That doesn't make sense. Just send her the evidence. While you are at it send it to the mow's husband as well and be done with it. Go to the post office and send it so she has to sign for it and show id so it doesn't get intercepted. If she "doesn't want to know" she can ignore it and throw it out and continue on with the slimeball. There will never be a good time to tell her or a good way to do it. Just get it over with so you can move on from this fiasco.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think you in a position where if you try defending yourself too much, to her, your trying to hide your guilt.

 

If you don't defend yourself, it's because your guilty.

 

Been there and done that a long time ago and the solution was this.

 

Sooner or later, your girlfriend is going to know about his affairs and then she's going to reflect on what you told her and then come to realize that it was him and not you.

 

When that happens, then it's up to you if you still want to be BFF with her.

 

I know this because I lived it with my first wife and her mouth. She said really terrible things about me and when I raised hell about it, all I got was, "he has a guilty conscience", and when I said nothing, that was because I couldn't defend myself.

 

After a while, it all came out and everyone knew that she spread a lot of lies and I wasn't what she told everyone I was.

 

My redemption was seeing the guilty looks on all the peoples faces who believed her. It was priceless seeing them eat crow.

[Spark1111]

I'm not sure the friendship can be saved even with her knowing the truth. She may be too humiliated to re-establish contact.

 

nevertheless, she deserves the truth now because she is pregnant and needs to be immediately tested for STDs.

 

Why not type in BIG letters: HE LIES, HE CHEATS ON YOU clip it to your 8 by 10 glossies and drive to car park town and mail it to her with no return address? You can still pay for tracking to know it was delivered to the home.

 

Save a life or two, even if you cannot save the friendship.

 

It's the right thing to do.

[Faery]

Thank you everyone. I think I came here because I wanted to tell but needed people to encourage me. I didn't think about the stds in pregnancy bit either. The car incident shows protection being used but that doesn't mean he always uses it or he hasn't caught something anyways. It got so confusing and the depth of his betrayal shocked me. I know it shouldn't but he completely had me convinced he was one of the good ones. Funny, in hindsight now I feel it was/is too smooth. Almost like a sociopath or the like. He scares me a little but I don't think he will do anything ilegal after I give the evidence. I thought about blackmailing him into the confession (tipping his hand) by sending him copies of the video and photo evidence but I will be honest. The lengths he has went to hide this from her scares me.

 

My plan is to take all the evidence and go see her Monday. I plan to take a friend of hers with me to stay with her. Then I will give her everything so I know his hands won't get on it. I am keeping copies and going to send the info to the married woman's husband and to the single woman just in case she doesn't know abouth the other other woman. I won't send that info until after I talk to my friend of course. I don't want her husband catching wind of this.

 

And then I plan to move very far away. And change my name. Only half joking.

[BetrayedH]

I like this plan. I just might wait on all of the follow-up exposure plans until after you've talked to your friend. You never quite know how she is going to react to the news and she might just want some time to process her own scenario before other people's drama is brought to bear as well. But in the end, I'd encourage her that the other BS and single OW also ought to know.

 

Make your plans to meet with your friend. We'll be here for you (and for her) when you do.

 

For what it's worth, I really think you're doing the right thing here and I applaud you for it. I'm sure it hasn't been easy.

[PhoenixRise]

Thank you everyone. I think I came here because I wanted to tell but needed people to encourage me. I didn't think about the stds in pregnancy bit either. The car incident shows protection being used but that doesn't mean he always uses it or he hasn't caught something anyways. It got so confusing and the depth of his betrayal shocked me. I know it shouldn't but he completely had me convinced he was one of the good ones. Funny, in hindsight now I feel it was/is too smooth. Almost like a sociopath or the like. He scares me a little but I don't think he will do anything ilegal after I give the evidence. I thought about blackmailing him into the confession (tipping his hand) by sending him copies of the video and photo evidence but I will be honest. The lengths he has went to hide this from her scares me.

 

My plan is to take all the evidence and go see her Monday. I plan to take a friend of hers with me to stay with her. Then I will give her everything so I know his hands won't get on it. I am keeping copies and going to send the info to the married woman's husband and to the single woman just in case she doesn't know abouth the other other woman. I won't send that info until after I talk to my friend of course. I don't want her husband catching wind of this.

 

And then I plan to move very far away. And change my name. Only half joking.

 

 

I think this is a good idea. She really does need to know so she can protect her own health and the health of her unborn baby.

 

I hope for your sake you can recover your friendship. Her husband really did a number on you both.

[veritas lux mea]

I am pretty non judgemental of people who have cheated because I had cheated. But this guy is a creep who deserves a special place in hell.