"I Can't Compartmentalize You." What does this mean?

[Daisy2013]

My exMM and I we're talking and as usual he was telling me how miserable his life is and his job. He said he gets through life because men compartmentalize and put things in boxes and can close the box when necessary and do what they need to do or move to the next thing.

 

Then he said "but I can't compartmentalize you." I didn't think to ask him what he meant at that time and will next time we speak.

 

But, until then, I'm just wondering, what does that mean? I think his answer will be he just couldn't live a double life because he couldn't see me, then go home and live normally, i.e., put me away, that his guilt would get to him.

 

Thank you.

[RightThere]

But, until then, I'm just wondering, what does that mean? I think his answer will be he just couldn't live a double life because he couldn't see me, then go home and live normally, i.e., put me away, that his guilt would get to him.

 

Thank you.

 

Basically, yes. That's what he means. No "off switch" he can hit when switching between lives.

[KathyM]

I think you're probably right. He means he can't live a double life. Can't put the affair in a box and go home to his wife and family and act like everything's fine. The way some men are able to be in affairs is that they do compartmentalize, and are able to emotionally put away his other life while with the other woman and vice versa. Then there are those men who shut down at home altogether while invested in the affair, and that is what makes the affair sustainable for awhile. Your guy realized, apparently, that he could not shut down his feelings for his wife/children and live a double life, and he could not be open romantically to two women at the same time, switching between opening one door in his mind/emotions after closing the other (compartmentalizing). I think few men are able to sustain compartmentalizing and living a double life without guilt, unless they are either sociopathic, or have turned off their feelings/emotions for their wife/family as a coping mechanism when in the affair.

[Daisy2013]

Thanks. I know it was difficult for him in our A relationship. I just wish he would stop telling me he loves me and wants to be with me every day. It's this double talk that drives me up a wall. Every time I think I've moved on and accept us as just friends, he says "I love you, etc.," then says stuff like this. At least next time he talks this stuff, I can have an intellectual reply.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks. I know it was difficult for him in our A relationship. I just wish he would stop telling me he loves me and wants to be with me every day. It's this double talk that drives me up a wall. Every time I think I've moved on and accept us as just friends, he says "I love you, etc.," then says stuff like this. At least next time he talks this stuff, I can have an intellectual reply.

 

But you're allowing it. And, you two cannot 'be friends', not now, maybe not ever. When an A or a R ends, there HAS to be space and time to get over the intimate and caring feelings. If you choose to be in his life, it feeds your feelings now and you always question what he says and over analyze it too.

 

He says I love you, but you take that as a romantic way, not a friend way because you're still in love with him. Your A is over, and he's chosen to stay married.

 

don't complicate things, end it. Just end it and do your best to stay away from him so you can begin your grieving and healing process. That hasn't really happened yet, has it?

[Daisy2013]

But you're allowing it. And, you two cannot 'be friends', not now, maybe not ever. When an A or a R ends, there HAS to be space and time to get over the intimate and caring feelings. If you choose to be in his life, it feeds your feelings now and you always question what he says and over analyze it too.

 

He says I love you, but you take that as a romantic way, not a friend way because you're still in love with him. Your A is over, and he's chosen to stay married.

 

don't complicate things, end it. Just end it and do your best to stay away from him so you can begin your grieving and healing process. That hasn't really happened yet, has it?

 

 

It is hard to heal when he calls me 2x per week telling me he misses me, loves me and wishes he could be with me, but can't because he's married; that his life sucks, and is no better at home, even with our 2 year A ended; then goes hot, then cold. After 2 months of not seeing each other, just talking on the phone, him telling me he loves me, that I'm his friend, he asked to see me (3 weeks ago). We had a great visit just talking, he spilled his heart. The following week (2 weeks ago) he asked to see me again, and for the 1st time in 2 years, he tried to make love to me. We'd always been sexual, but not actual sex, because it was his last barrier to not committing "real" adultery, I suppose. We didn't get very far 2 weeks ago as we were in a public area, while dark and secluded, I could still hear and see cars/people, so it put a damper on things. Since then, he's been in a bad mood and cranky.

 

That's why I can't heal and move on. Every time I reach a good place for me, he comes back stronger. Then goes cold and moody (he's always been moody, I've known him 10 years.). If I quit answering my phone, by the 3rd time, he will quit calling. He has said that before.

 

And I've fallen for him. I've been in relationships, but I've never fallen in love before.

 

This is why I can't move on and heal. It's not me playing the games.

[thecharade]

My exMM used to say this to me. He "meant it," but he really meant it only as a way to convince me that he loved me so, so much that he couldn't control that love. And he hoped I'd say, "Awww" and accept his scraps.

 

I'm not saying it is intentionally manipulative. Or maybe I am, I don't know. But I do know that he means, "I can't compartmentalize you unless my W finds out and tells me I'm going to lose everything. Then I can and will box up my feelings for you. And throw away the key. Forever."

 

Pretty words. Exactly what we want to hear. But they are still only pretty words. Not real actions.