Hiding a high or progress?

[Channa]

My first post about this breakup in case the backstory is needed: Is This Karma?

 

It's been about 2 months now since my breakup and 2 months of NC (short of the beginning 3-4 days post breakup).

I don't really know how I feel because it's been up and down. As most of you probably know, the feelings comes in waves, happy, then sad.

I've been doing as much as I can to live a normal life without the thought of the ex and most of the time, though I think about him a lot, I manage to get by pretty well.

 

I'm in a interesting position (I think) because I can't go complete NC with my ex because he rented a book using my credit card and also owes me a nice amount of money. Everyday I look forward to getting money or check in the mail so that I can finally delete his number off my phone (he deleted me off fb and I blocked him off skype) so the only form of contact is by phone/text. We use to play an online game together (I still do) and he tried to message me about 2 weeks after the BU through the game to get a UPS shipping slip to return the book. I did not respond and instead just sent him the UPS shipping information and a nice typed out invoice of the amount that he owes me through email. It was a simple, cold and right to the chase email. I also noted that that form of communication was unacceptable as this is related to money, MY money. He could have sent me an email or texted but he chose to message me through a game where I could have very easily not notice. He texted me soon after saying "I'm sorry, I won't do that again. I will get the book sent out ASAP." That was the last time I heard from him.

 

I went to UPS's website a week after i sent him the UPS shipping slip (a tracking number was provided to me) to check where the book was at since like I said, it was charged under my card which means if that book does not arrive after a certain date, I get charged an extra fee. The dam book was still not at UPS delivery center. At that point, I was pissed beyond hell and I broke NC last night to ask him why he has not shipped out the book and also told him I expect my check by the end of the month and no later. His excuse was that he went to the hospital and that wiped out most of what he was saving to pay me back.

 

What are most of you thinking at this point? Excuses, bullcrap, liar? Well here's what I thought. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I honestly did not feel anything when I found out. It was as if someone told me the sky is blue. Ok so what? I didn't think "oh you are a f--king liar" or "omg now I feel bad about asking for my money". I'm not entirely a heartless person though. I loved him with all my heart and honestly I still do but the feeling or sympathy just didn't come to me. I felt nothing but at the same time, I knew I still loved him and wish we were still together. I guess it's somewhat of a good thing, that I can't be swayed anymore.

 

We chatted for a while, he asked me how I was doing, what I have been doing but I didn't tell him anything. I just said I was fine and kept it as vague as possible. He doesn't need to know. He still cares about me and told me he wish we could talk like we normally do, he misses my company and we somehow got to the topic of what he really wanted and he described me in which I responded "you had that". "And I guess let go of that..." was his response. I simply said "well you have a new girl so I'm sure you are doing just fine" and he laughed and said "to be honest, I don't think it's going to last much longer. You and I both know how karma works and it's about to come back to me." Not going to lie, a little piece inside me jumped for joy and thought "you get what you deserve" but of course I didn't. Just once again said "You'll be fine."

 

That pretty much sums it up. I told him I want me money by the end of the month and he asked if it was possible if we can talk again an that he misses being able to talk to someone (dude isn't that what a gf is for?). I didn't answer his question. I just said "we'll see" and to told him to let me know when the book gets shipped out and also when he is ready to send me my money. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish we were still together and I'm sure he was able to tell that I wished that too but wishing and wanting doesn't mean it will or that it should. He is nowhere close to being worthy of being taken back. His reason for ending up at the hospital, his lack of communication skills, his confidence and other issues that was present before we broke up is enough to convince me no. No matter how much I love him now still and how much I want us to get back together, he's not worth it. Not now and not anytime soon. I won't say yes no matter how much I want to and if he does come back, not only does he have to prove to me that he has grown and matured but he also has to convince my friends and parents that.

 

Now here is where I would like to hear your thoughts on.

Did I do the right thing in having that small chat with him?

Should I have just kept it as "give me my money" and left it at that?

And the most important question... At the moment, I don't feel anything after that conversation. I went to bed after that phone call like any other night and went on about my day like any other day, as if the phone call never happened. I still think about him (clearly since im writing this post) and like i said before, I still love him and wish we were together but I'm not feeling depressed or sad. I wish it but if it doesn't happen (and it prob won't), I know it's not the end of the world and is not depressed about that fact. Is this just another wave where I'm just riding on the high of getting through the phone call without crying and will feel the aftermath of this next week? Or is this really me making progress in moving on. Or perhaps it's both?

 

Thoughts please.

[Mr Scorpio]

Two months sounds to me like a short-period for a complete recovery. However, everyone is different, and works on different time scales. You might try not worrying about why you feel well -- or at least detached -- and focus on the fact that you are feeling well. I think you did a fine job in keeping the conversation "business like" as it relates to the book and to him still owing you money. That is exactly how I would have dealt with it.

 

There is one thing that I personally find a little odd. Why -- if you were going to get back together -- would he have to prove himself worthy to your friends and family?

[Reels]

Whether this life or previous life, what you did, will be returned to you.

 

That's what Karma is, and it's true.

[Channa]

Two months sounds to me like a short-period for a complete recovery. However, everyone is different, and works on different time scales. You might try not worrying about why you feel well -- or at least detached -- and focus on the fact that you are feeling well. I think you did a fine job in keeping the conversation "business like" as it relates to the book and to him still owing you money. That is exactly how I would have dealt with it.

 

There is one thing that I personally find a little odd. Why -- if you were going to get back together -- would he have to prove himself worthy to your friends and family?

 

I'm no where close to a complete recovery, specially after a 1.5+ year relationship, after all I still have feelings for him and think about him a lot. That much I know.

 

Everyone said that I settled. My ex never went to college, hardly makes any money at his retail job, reckless and makes impulsive decisions and doesn't take good care of himself (he drank one too many energy drinks which was why he ended up in the hospital apparently) and didn't really have his life sorted out where as I have graduated from college, started my career and on my way to a better future and is stable and I'd like to think well grounded. He doesn't like conflict and will bottle things up to avoid it (which was one of the causes of our BU since he didn't point out things I was doing wrong to avoid fighting and I never noticed). When my friends found out about all this, most of them said I could have done much better and that he wasn't even worth my time if he won't communicate properly and flakes out on a good future together (he was gonna move in with me, start school and when he was finished, my dad would have offered him a good programming job). Pretty much I'm settled down and stable and he liked to go out and party, drink, go to raves and although he wants to settle down, doesn't really do anything about it. The maturity level and wave lengths are off I guess, even though we are both just 23.

 

It could be that I also don't trust my own judgment. I could end up being blinded by emotions and past memories/feelings to see if he has changed fully as a person or not. Plus, I'd like to also see it as a trial. If he doesn't want to bother with convincing my friends (3-4 at most) and family (really only my parents) that he has changed and get back on their good side, then a- not that serious and b- it would be a troublesome relationship in the long run if my close friends and family don't like him.