Channa Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 WARNING: This is a long post. For those who do read through it, thank you in advance I'm in NY and he in CA, both 23. We met online and I never had a long distance relationship before. He was my first everything. 1st serious relationship, first lover, etc. When I met him, I was a upcoming senior studying graphic design and I pride myself of being independent. I was impatient and sometimes a tad snobby and judgmental (not an attractive feature I know). He on the other hand had low self esteem and depressed due to his ex cheating on him twice, jobless, stayed home everyday, doesn't have a car and never went to college. We were kind of complete opposites in a way. I live a stable calm life, don't go clubbing or drinking and prefer quiet nights at home. He hates being alone and loves to go out to raves, parties and drinks. We were like yin and yang I guess. We got to know each other a little more and feelings just gradually grew. I convinced him to start looking for work and helped him find a job, and helped him write his cover letters and his resume. Finally he got a job at Office Max. He told me he loved me after 3 months but I never said it back because it was too soon to be in love. He was understanding but continued to tell me that everyday, and treated me right. He read me like a book and vice versa. We knew each other inside and out. Things went south when I noticed how needy and "clingy" (if thats even possible for a LDR) he was being. He always wanted me to text and call often, always wanting to know who I was talking too even if it's a random person on the street who just is being nice and saying hello. He was like a doormat, a "whatever you say honey" type of guy and while it was cute in the beginning, me being in my "me me me" personality, got a bit annoyed by that. I started calling him less, texting less and I got more snippy. I went to meet him for the first time that summer and things were great. We were so happy together but then I flew back to NYC and it was the same as before. A month or so before the trip to CA, my feelings for him started to fade. I was out with friends all the time and started taking interest to one of my friends. I told him what I was feeling and that I was confused. I decided to brake up with him a week or two after the CA trip and broke his heart. I took time to think long and hard about what I really wanted. I didn't immediately go date my friend or anything because I was confused and it wouldn't be fair for anyone for me to just do that. After a month of thinking I realized it was him that I wanted to be with and him who I thought about everyday. I called him one night crying, telling him I was sorry and that I loved him. I was being selfish and was scared to say I love him because I didn't want to get hurt. I told him his needy and clingy behavior was a problem and we talked about other small things that cause the breakup to happen like my selfishness. We did end up getting back together and I found out that during our month break, he lost it. He started smoking, cut himself, got drunk and lost his virginity to a girl he only knew for about a week or two. We eventually got past it and promised to be 100% honest with each other, no matter how difficult the topic would be. If something annoys us, we will say it, no matter how angry the other person would be. I flew to CA to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family and lost my virginity to him. I flew back to NYC and everything was fine. We kept working on the relationship and we were stronger as ever. I started being more considerate, patient and think before I speak. At the same time, I noticed he matured a bit. The break toughened him up, he started working out more and standing up for himself a bit more. He was able to stand on his own two feet without always needing my support. This summer, he flew to NYC to spend a week with me and meet my parents. Things went well, we were happily in love. He still hadn't gone back to school but after talking to my parents, we had come up with a plan. My parents suggest he move to NYC earlier (he had planned to move to NYC early 2014), live with us and start going to school. Once he finishes school, my dad would recommend him to some people he knew so that he would have a good paying job. We spent every night together on webcam, playing video games and talking on the phone every night. A month or so before the breakup, I noticed he was getting more and more stressed from work and always came home tired. He kept saying he needed a break and though I got upset, I said ok go rest. After a bit, he would get out of bed and spend some time on cam with me because he didn't want me to be upset. Fast forward to August, he breaks up with me out of the blue, telling me he lost his feelings for me. This blindsided me because he acted like nothing was wrong in our relationship. To me and everyone else I cried to, we were more in love than ever and everyone thought we were going to be engaged and married. I asked him why and he told me that he got tired of me needing to spend time with him and that he is just too stressed and tired. He said I kept pressuring him to spend time with me and asked him once too many times about moving to NYC. Since he didn't want to see me upset, he stayed up to spend time with me even though he was very tired and just wanted to lie down and rest. He then said to me he doesn't know what he wants in life and he needed some time by himself to figure it out by himself. This confused me to no end since technically we had a good solid plan. A week before breaking up with me, we were planning a trip to Florida to spend our 2nd anniversary together. He was so excited, talking about what activities we should do, etc. Absolutely no sign that he lost his feelings for me. He sent me loving texts to remember that my menstrual cycle was coming up and to pack some pain killers and eat some chocolate. When I asked him if there was another girl, his exact words were "No, I guarantee you there is not another girl. I just need time by myself to figure my life out. Please give me some space. If I do come back, I don't want to come back to you because of guilt". He claimed the distance was just too much and made it too hard. I cried and asked why it wasn't possible to stay together while he worked it out like we always did. I asked why he never brought up that he was unhappy, why we planned our anniversary if he was going to break up with me. He had no answer. Since I was emotionally unstable, I am not sure if i begged or not. I took the breakup hard. I couldn't eat solid food for a week, had anxiety and my body couldn't stop shaking. He deleted all our photos and defriended me on facebook. I noticed he added another girl immediately after defriending me on facebook. After a week, I broke the NC rule and called him. He was friendly on the phone, like nothing happened. We talked for a bit, he told me he is going out a lot a lot more now, spending lots of time with his friends, working a lot, going to raves and meeting new people. I then asked if the new girl he added on facebook was one of them. He paused for a but before finally saying quietly "yes". He said he started talking to her after we broke up and that he knew her before we broke up but tried to keep his distance from her because he was with me at the time. He told me he likes her and that she was like me but she isn't picky with her food, that they have the same taste in music and that her past was worse than her's. When we hung up, he told me that she had just arrived at his place. A week after we broke up and already he jumped right on her. Ouch. So now I have come to the realization that he was probably cheating on me, if not physically, then emotionally and I am trying to cope with it and move on. I know good people sometimes makes bad decisions. He left someone like me who lives a stable life, with a blooming career, semi financially stable (getting there anyway), ready to settle down for a girl who may or may not even be going to school, works in a small restaurant and go out to parties and raves. Does this make sense? Is he just being immature and not ready to grow up? Is it that GIGS syndrome that I read about here or is this Karma doing her job? Again, thanks for reading through this and your thoughts and comments are much appreciated, regardless how harsh they may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 I read your complete story and i feel sad! From my experience, this is what happens when u try to settle with something less than you deserve. It happened with me twice, boys who are not as educated as you are, or who come from a lesser background, always ALWAYS leave u out there ALONE when they get what they didn't have before, in terms of material possessions. It's his loss, and sweety you know it! Try reading this, found it really helpful! Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Channa Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 I read your complete story and i feel sad! From my experience, this is what happens when u try to settle with something less than you deserve. It happened with me twice, boys who are not as educated as you are, or who come from a lesser background, always ALWAYS leave u out there ALONE when they get what they didn't have before, in terms of material possessions. It's his loss, and sweety you know it! Try reading this, found it really helpful! Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide Thanks for reading the whole thing. Everyone warned me that he wasn't good enough for me. Maybe I had one of those "I can save him" moments. Thanks for the link. It's a beautiful website with wonderful tips Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 when we save, they fly away! Cruel facts! Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Channa i wish you recover... sad story true.. we got some common things with my story.. mmmm i do believe that our actions redefine us later not others actions... honey you broke his heart once and i believe since then tha glass was broken even if all where going ok from your aspect... the guy was bad in terms of communicating i see.. he should speak straight if sth bothered him////... wish best recovery been there done that. -john Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 It is utterly evident that he as a lot of growing up to do, and this is coming from a guy's perspective. Based on what you've disclosed it appears that you were fully commit to this long distance relationship and put forth so much effort to make things work. Truth is there were a few factors against you two from the beginning. You were in complete different wavelengths financially, emotionally, distance wise and so on. Clearly is difficult to make a long distance relationship work but no impossible. At this point it's best to cut your loses and move forward with your life. And the fact that you are both allocated in opposite coast may very well work in your favor pertaining to moving forward. Commit to NC immediately, focus on you as you are the only person that matters from this point forward. Think of the many objectives you will like to accomplish as you are now a free agent and were perhaps subliminally unhappy in the relationship you were stuck in. The pain in time will eventually subside making room for growth and progress. Be gentle and take it a day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Channa Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 Channa i wish you recover... honey you broke his heart once and i believe since then tha glass was broken even if all where going ok from your aspect... the guy was bad in terms of communicating i see.. he should speak straight if sth bothered him////... A friend of mine had said that too. That maybe it was just me being delusional that everything was going great. My ex never liked confrontation or arguing. Even when he is blunt about something, he tries to say it in the nicest way. Thanks for your words of encouragement. It means a lot. It is utterly evident that he as a lot of growing up to do, and this is coming from a guy's perspective. Based on what you've disclosed it appears that you were fully commit to this long distance relationship and put forth so much effort to make things work. Truth is there were a few factors against you two from the beginning. You were in complete different wavelengths financially, emotionally, distance wise and so on. Clearly is difficult to make a long distance relationship work but no impossible. At this point it's best to cut your loses and move forward with your life. And the fact that you are both allocated in opposite coast may very well work in your favor pertaining to moving forward. Commit to NC immediately, focus on you as you are the only person that matters from this point forward. Think of the many objectives you will like to accomplish as you are now a free agent and were perhaps subliminally unhappy in the relationship you were stuck in. The pain in time will eventually subside making room for growth and progress. Be gentle and take it a day at a time. I really did try to make things work and better future for not only him but for us despite all those issues. After all, tons of people who are under tons of stress (i.e soldiers, etc) are able to make a relationship work, there is no excuse. I have went back to NC however he owes me quite a bit of money which he can't pay back to me immediately so that will be hinderance that may or may not set me back. I'm not exactly ready to talk to him in any form/way to ask for money that he doesn't have and hear him give me excuses. What a mess I've got myself into... Thanks for reading through my story and your words of encouragement and support. It means a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
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