Strange rollercoaster

October 31, 2013

Why if you wanted to be together enough to have an affair are you doing the exact opposite of what would allow you to be together all the time. What the hell is wrong with just going about your business? Why try to explain something that in my eyes can't be explained?

You must love her or you wouldn't have cheated for years with her. She must have loved you or she wouldn't have cheated for years with you. Seriously what is the problem here? Now you two are breaking your necks to save the "crappy" marriages to "crappy" people you were married to.

And I would so love to send her the emails I am getting from him about her. What I posted here is less graphic and a fraction of what he has sent. I think my lawyer would have a cow so I won't be doing that. As it is he is still trying to talk me out of meeting with her.

Exactly, it's not like it was a one night stand or even a month long affair. Years...YEARS..and now they are throwing each other under the bus. I'd love to know if they've been in contact and what they are saying to each other about all of this. But that's the nosey girl in me.

October 31, 2013

Why if you wanted to be together enough to have an affair are you doing the exact opposite of what would allow you to be together all the time. What the hell is wrong with just going about your business? Why try to explain something that in my eyes can't be explained?

You must love her or you wouldn't have cheated for years with her. She must have loved you or she wouldn't have cheated for years with you. Seriously what is the problem here? Now you two are breaking your necks to save the "crappy" marriages to "crappy" people you were married to.

And I would so love to send her the emails I am getting from him about her. What I posted here is less graphic and a fraction of what he has sent. I think my lawyer would have a cow so I won't be doing that. As it is he is still trying to talk me out of meeting with her.

Keep following your lawyers advise....he/she has not lead you wrong so far.

October 31, 2013

This is amazing to me. How two people who obviously enjoyed each others company and CHOSE to spend time together, can say these things. Why can't they just say "I messed up, it's all my fault, I'm sorry." Not that it changes how YOU feel...but this blaming is just such a load of crap.

honestly? Sadly? This is quite common.

It's a natural consequence of never believing they'd have exposure and consequences.

Now that they do, it is the OP's fault.

If the three most predominant characteristics of those who cheat are low self-esteem, conflict avoidance and poor communication skills.....your emails, as mine, prove that in spades.

Also, blaming others for all that ails them.

idk....I'd cc both of them on all their emails with a terse, please stop contacting me or I will have to get my attorney involved.

then cc your lawyer.

I think that protects you but also alerts both of them to the other's under bus throwing.

October 31, 2013

honestly? Sadly? This is quite common.

It's a natural consequence of never believing they'd have exposure and consequences.

Now that they do, it is the OP's fault.

If the three most predominant characteristics of those who cheat are low self-esteem, conflict avoidance and poor communication skills.....your emails, as mine, prove that in spades.

Also, blaming others for all that ails them.

idk....I'd cc both of them on all their emails with a terse, please stop contacting me or I will have to get my attorney involved.

then cc your lawyer.

I think that protects you but also alerts both of them to the other's under bus throwing.

The lawyer gets all the emails anyway. I am to save them until the hearing.

October 31, 2013

The lawyer gets all the emails anyway. I am to save them until the hearing.

So they are building your case for you.....NICE!!! I cannot believe how clueless they can be. Do me a favor and set your email up to send both of them into one tiny neat little folder. Then let it build up. There is nothing there that you need to read. Just a bunch of blame shifting and wallowing.

I know how hard it is not to pick at that stupid scab. PS....I still do it once in awhile. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but it still stings.

October 31, 2013

It is quite normal for those that engage in affairs to blame others. Some never take responsibility, others immediately, others take a bit of time to process it all before they do.

For most, it is hard to accept that they became a person that they never thought they could be. To acknowledge that they had choice, and made ACTUAL decisions that put this all into place, is hard.

We all have favourable views of ourselves,even if we factor in our weaknesses. No one proudly state "one weakness I have is I f8&k over my family and quite enjoy myself when I do". So we spin it. We spin it so that we are still the "good guy". Because to actually look at what we did or who we became would mean that we would have to change. Yes, anyone can change if they want to. It ain't easy though. It is a lot of internal work, that takes many years.

October 31, 2013

Why if you wanted to be together enough to have an affair are you doing the exact opposite of what would allow you to be together all the time. What the hell is wrong with just going about your business? Why try to explain something that in my eyes can't be explained?

You must love her or you wouldn't have cheated for years with her. She must have loved you or she wouldn't have cheated for years with you. Seriously what is the problem here? Now you two are breaking your necks to save the "crappy" marriages to "crappy" people you were married to.

And I would so love to send her the emails I am getting from him about her. What I posted here is less graphic and a fraction of what he has sent. I think my lawyer would have a cow so I won't be doing that. As it is he is still trying to talk me out of meeting with her.

Based upon what the OW has sent you in her emails, I think your lawyer is right. Other than seeing her squirm, there is little value in your meeting with her.

She will continue the blame game, she will lie and she is almost certain to get very emotional. Especially as you are unlikely to give her anything back in return for the meeting, and of course you owe her nothing but your disgust.

Keep strong!

October 31, 2013

So I read some of the emails I have been getting from both of them, not sure how I feel about that yet. But they are both laying the blame on the other.

WS:

She kept coming on to me.
She wouldn't take no for answer.
She manipulated me into believing you didn't care about me.
She told me you probably had cheated at some point in our marriage because no one can stay faithful that long.
She told me her husband was "mean":confused: to her all the time.
She is not the type of woman I would want to be married to.
She isn't as good a person as you are.
He makes it sound like he was some mindless puppet with someone else pulling the strings. Everything happened outside of himself and he had no control. Where is the man I married? The begging sniveling idiot that is sending me this mess is not the man I married.

OW:

He said you didn't love him.
He said you had cheated.
He said that you were taking all his money
He said that I treated him better than you had ever treated him.
He told me my husband was abusive because he didn't pay attention to me.
He told me that all you wanted was to destroy his self esteem.
He told me that he wondered if he should just kill himself.
He seduced me at a vulnerable time.
He convinced me that you were the problem in the marriage.
Now where is her brain? They both seem like they are trying really hard to put as many skid marks on the other as possible.

This proves they really are perfect for each other!

October 31, 2013

So I read some of the emails I have been getting from both of them, not sure how I feel about that yet. But they are both laying the blame on the other.

WS:

She kept coming on to me.
She wouldn't take no for answer.
She manipulated me into believing you didn't care about me.
She told me you probably had cheated at some point in our marriage because no one can stay faithful that long.
She told me her husband was "mean":confused: to her all the time.
She is not the type of woman I would want to be married to.
She isn't as good a person as you are.
He makes it sound like he was some mindless puppet with someone else pulling the strings. Everything happened outside of himself and he had no control. Where is the man I married? The begging sniveling idiot that is sending me this mess is not the man I married.

OW:

He said you didn't love him.
He said you had cheated.
He said that you were taking all his money
He said that I treated him better than you had ever treated him.
He told me my husband was abusive because he didn't pay attention to me.
He told me that all you wanted was to destroy his self esteem.
He told me that he wondered if he should just kill himself.
He seduced me at a vulnerable time.
He convinced me that you were the problem in the marriage.
Now where is her brain? They both seem like they are trying really hard to put as many skid marks on the other as possible.

Okay, ^^this gives me a little more respect for my WH. Although he did not choose to be with his mistress after d-day, he never pinned his horrible choices on her. Can't stomach a man who won't "man up".

October 31, 2013

All of their "reasons" sound like the typical drivel that comes out of the mouths of cheaters. Blech.

October 31, 2013

You want a divorce and are disgusted by his affair. Perfectly understandable. You dispassionately have made sure you don't care one iota what happens to him, his relationship with your children, the business or anything in general. Sorry but you seemed to have checked out of the marriage a long time ago.

I am lost as to the exact timeline. I take it you found out only recently, and when you did you gathered evidence, closed every loophole and put the D plans into place.

So I guess when did the marriage go south and why (usually well before before the affair)?

What was your sex life like?

Did your or his attraction wane?

Did you go into mother mode and forget the marriage (you have mentioned this)?

Were you unhappy or he and express it? Dd you fight a lot?

You have adult kids who are very very upset with your soon to be ex. Does he deserve the hate from them? Was he a bad father and how? Sorry but they are adults and out of the house.

You claim to be doing what he wants (i.e. a life with the OW), but admit it that you love this drama and your "game".

Yep he may very well be a POS, but you seem to have such bottled rage (and we see the toll it is taking on your body), and comments like you never want another relationship, says to me how unhealthy this all is, that I implore you to see a Psychiatrist or Professional.

I am not saying <you have done anything> wrong and that you have every right to feel betrayed and to divorce him. All I'm saying is we really don't know what happened before to get here.

Edited November 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarity

October 31, 2013

You want a divorce and are disgusted by his affair. Perfectly understandable. You dispassionately have made sure you don't care one iota what happens to him, his relationship with your children, the business or anything in general. Sorry but you seemed to have checked out of the marriage a long time ago.

I am lost as to the exact timeline. I take it you found out only recently, and when you did you gathered evidence, closed every loophole and put the D plans into place.

So I guess when did the marriage go south and why (usually well before before the affair)?

What was your sex life like?

Did your or his attraction wane?

Did you go into mother mode and forget the marriage (you have mentioned this)?

Were you unhappy or he and express it? Dd you fight a lot?

You have adult kids who are very very upset with your soon to be ex. Does he deserve the hate from them? Was he a bad father and how? Sorry but they are adults and out of the house.

You claim to be doing what he wants (i.e. a life with the OW), but admit it that you love this drama and your "game".

Yep he may very well be a POS, but you seem to have such bottled rage (and we see the toll it is taking on your body), and comments like you never want another relationship, says to me how unhealthy this all is, that I implore you to see a Psychiatrist or Professional.

I am not saying <you have done anything> wrong and that you have every right to feel betrayed and to divorce him. All I'm saying is we really don't know what happened before to get here.

There's a now-closed thread that answers much of this. If I've got it right, the OP begged for years for her husband to step up - he was the one withholding affection. My sense was this went on for many years; by the time she first posted here last spring she mentioned not feeling in love with him anymore. But that appears to be after many years of trying to make things different.

Then a month or two ago she figured out that he'd been having a multi-year affair, and with whom. And so she very deliberately got her ducks in a row and lowered the boom. I can well understand her anger now, considering how hard she tried to get him to focus on her, and how bewildered she was at what to do and how to feel...until she learned the truth.

I don't know, PV is getting a lot of heat here for her methodical style, but she seems to me to be about as sane a BS as I've seen, and I'm speaking as a former one. I wish I'd been that clear-headed about things. IMO, the hard-earned sense of empowerment, after years of disenfranchisement, should be very easy to understand and empathize with; I'm surprised that people don't see it that way. She's not violent, just pissed off and done with being lied to, and determined to change the power balance. And she's doing it, too - and there's such freedom in that; it's easy to see why so many BS on these boards are vicariously appreciating it.

I honestly don't understand the alarm (which - not from you, TDP, but in previous threads) - has bordered on concern-trolling. She checks with her lawyer every step of the way, has all the info she needs, is avoiding unnecessary interactions with the OW (despite the OW's repeated attempts to contact her) and is basically doing things by the book. I'm sure she's stressed out to the max, but one would be anyway, in this situation!

Edited November 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote and add link to source thread

October 31, 2013

There's a now-closed thread that answers much of this. If I've got it right, the OP begged for years for her husband to step up - he was the one withholding affection. My sense was this went on for many years; by the time she first posted here last spring she mentioned not feeling in love with him anymore. But that appears to be after many years of trying to make things different.

Then a month or two ago she figured out that he'd been having a multi-year affair, and with whom. And so she very deliberately got her ducks in a row and lowered the boom. I can well understand her anger now, considering how hard she tried to get him to focus on her, and how bewildered she was at what to do and how to feel...until she learned the truth.

I don't know, PV is getting a lot of heat here for her methodical style, but she seems to me to be about as sane a BS as I've seen, and I'm speaking as a former one. I wish I'd been that clear-headed about things. IMO, the hard-earned sense of empowerment, after years of disenfranchisement, should be very easy to understand and empathize with; I'm surprised that people don't see it that way. She's not violent, just pissed off and done with being lied to, and determined to change the power balance. And she's doing it, too - and there's such freedom in that; it's easy to see why so many BS on these boards are vicariously appreciating it.

I honestly don't understand the alarm (which - not from you, TDP, but in previous threads) - has bordered on concern-trolling. She checks with her lawyer every step of the way, has all the info she needs, is avoiding unnecessary interactions with the OW (despite the OW's repeated attempts to contact her) and is basically doing things by the book. I'm sure she's stressed out to the max, but one would be anyway, in this situation!

I read bits and pieces, but not the years of trying and him withholding affection..... As said, he probably checked out a long time ago, and don't know why that happened and she too eventually checked out and once she had proof lowered the boom....

As said..... Good for her..... He probably deserves it.....

November 1, 2013

You want a divorce and are disgusted by his affair. Perfectly understandable. You dispassionately have made sure you don't care one iota what happens to him, his relationship with your children, the business or anything in general. Sorry but you seemed to have checked out of the marriage a long time ago.

I am lost as to the exact timeline. I take it you found out only recently, and when you did you gathered evidence, closed every loophole and put the D plans into place.

Yes
So I guess when did the marriage go south and why (usually well before before the affair)?

Can't pinpoint and exact time just that I have been asking for us to talk more or maybe do marriage counseling for a long time.

What was your sex life like?

Frequent and not boring.

Did your or his attraction wane?

I can only answer for me and yes

Did you go into mother mode and forget the marriage (you have mentioned this)?

Ahhh, where did I mention this?
Were you unhappy or he and express it? Dd you fight a lot?
Yes, I was unhappy and I expressed it. No we didn't fight. We argued on occasion like most couples.
You have adult kids who are very very upset with your soon to be ex. Does he deserve the hate from them? Was he a bad father and how? Sorry but they are adults and out of the house.

I don't know what he deserves from them. I can't and won't answer for them. I don't think he was a bad father until recently and I don't think they did either. They are adults with a right to feel anyway they chose without me or anyone else telling them how they should feel. I can be there when they need me.

You claim to be doing what he wants (i.e. a life with the OW), but admit it that you love this drama and your "game".

Actually I never claimed that he wants to be with the OW. He is begging me to stay so it appears that what he wants. My statement about affair people wanting to be together was general statement about the way they conduct their affair and professing their desire to be together. In that regards, I do want them to have that affair desire met. I never said I love drama. What I said is they created the drama and I am more than willing to play the role they assigned me without my permission.

I don't like negotiating with employees, I don't like firing people even when it necessary but I face both of those tasks that are assigned to me. Call it a game if you want. I call it a game plan.

Yep he may very well be a POS, but you seem to have such bottled rage (and we see the toll it is taking on your body), and comments like you never want another relationship, says to me how unhealthy this all is, that I implore you to see a Psychiatrist or Professional.

Thank you for your concern of my mental health. I am bottled up and I will remain that way until the end of this mess. As I have said before I have underlying health issues which he knew about and this mess added to an existing issue.

I never said I didn't want another relationship ever. What I said is I have no desire at this point to be in another committed relationship. That doesn't say that I am opposed to a relationship at some point. I don't know how you were able to infer that makes me mentally ill.

I see a dr. regularly. He knows my entire history. The good the bad and the ugly. There is no reason to be concerned. He has been to med school and is licensed and everything. Years of experience. I am good.
I am not saying <you have done anything> wrong and that you have every right to feel betrayed and to divorce him. All I'm saying is we really don't know what happened before to get here.

Thank you for your permission to feel anyway I desire. And you won't know what happened before here. You will only know what I tell. Infer what you must.

Edited November 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

November 1, 2013

Thank you for your permission to feel anyway I desire. And you won't know what happened before here. You will only know what I tell. Infer what you must.

Thanks for answering. Believe me I hope the best for you. I am just inquisitive by nature and often think what is not said actually (often) says more then what is said.

Edited November 1, 2013 by Toodamnpragmatic

November 2, 2013

Yeah, xMM killed any lingering affection I may have had for him when he accused me of "taking advantage of him." People, no matter the situation, who play the victim and continuely blame others for their poor choices are tiring. They never change either because one can't make better descision when they are too busy denying the poor descsions they have made are all on them.

Coolit....MUCH more common than you would even wish to believe....

Had one heart to heart with the fOW in my sitch...It was all MY fault, his fault, hated our friends, etc., etc......

It was over 1 year of her life too....and I was absolutely GOBSMACKED that she had not one question for me....

Not a single one......

I agree with you 100%.

November 5, 2013

Just wondering how you are doing Peaks...

November 5, 2013

I am progressing. Ensure sure is nasty.

November 5, 2013

Did you try the pecan flavor? I happen to like butter pecan ice cream so it was palatable, but I still suggest just chugging it!!!

November 5, 2013

I am progressing. Ensure sure is nasty.

This made me chuckle a bit. My dad loves that stuff....glad to hear you're taking care of yourself!

November 5, 2013

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