LS..Guys and Girls..help with the "Comfort Zone":

[Scott S]

Originally posted by hugznkisses21

seeeeeee u talked to him...didnt i tell ya he probably had no clue u felt that way....guys r like that....

 

We're humans (and some Kilingons! LOL). None of us are telepaths!

 

We can take hints if they're applied with a blunt instrument!

[Fritz]

Originally posted by alphamale

time to shake things up a bit. you must play games to get ahead in life and in relationships and everything else.

 

after the holidays tell him you need some "space" for a month or two. during this period of "space" you only talk to him maybe once a week on the phone.

 

Dude, thats sarcasm right? Any time I hear "need some space", I'm gone as it usually means dragging things out for months when all one needs to say is, "it isn't working out".

[HokeyReligions]

Yay! You are proof that what so many people keep saying on LS is right---- open communication!

 

I'm not into games either and I'll relate a bit about what my husband and I said/did when we were in that comfort zone at first.

 

I noticed that he was being a bit distant. I felt like maybe I was being taken for granted. I thought it was all about HIM and that maybe he was tired of me. I thought "what can I do to spark his interest?" and I proceeded to do the usual: wear sexier clothes, play the same "game" I thought he was playing and I was more distant to him. When he said "what movie do you want to see Saturday?" I said "I'm going out with my friends Saturday" and the whole bit. We finally talked about it and I realized it was not just HIM it was both of us. We said "I love you" to each other so many times that it lost it's meaning. Finally we stopped playing the "if you don't know, I'm not telling you" game. (that is a very dangerous game and both people lose) We sat down and talked. I was really afraid that "the talk" would be "the breakup" that is how fragile I was feeling about the relationship.

 

It wasn't the end, it was the beginning. He was feeling like I didn't care for him anymore either. So, what we did: When driving I would reach over and touch his arm or shoulder or squeeze his hand. That was all it took. It meant a great deal to him. That little gesture made such a huge impact! That led to veging on different couches but reaching over to hold hands. Or patting one another on the shoulder when walking by. Offering to bring him a soft drink, or he offering to make popcorn.

 

I also make sure, and this is after 25 years together, to brush my hair, put on fresh lipstick, etc. before I get off he bus and into the car. I didn't do this for a long time, and it took a long time for him to notice exactly what I was doing - but it does not go unappreciated.

 

Little displays of affection that are not designed to lead to sex. On Sunday's I put the football game on and go in the other room to read and let him watch the game on the big TV. Or he will go watch the little TV in the bedroom and let me watch a movie myself in the living room.

 

I mentioned to him that my downfall is Egg McMuffins. The other day he bought a bag of them in the morning and that evening for dinner he heated up two of them for my dinner! He went out of his way to do something for me and the effort and the thought was soooo much appreciated! (I know, I should not have eaten two of the things, but I have a weakness for them like some people do for chocolate. )

 

He was trying to take a nap today but kept coughing (we both have bad colds) and I made him some tea with honey and brought it back to him. He was just about to give up on his nap, but the tea helped. I kept the dogs quiet so he could sleep and he appreciated that.

 

So, it's just little displays of caring that are important to us, and that often frightening open communication which gets easier the more confident you are in your relationship!

[bebop]

Gina sometimes calls me Sweet-Ums. Isn't that a huge shaggy Muppet character though?

 

Yes.

 

(I'm crazy about the Muppets.)

 

Are you huge and shaggy???

 

There's also Animal. Among other Muppets lol. A Muppet nickname, not a bad thing at all.

 

[bebop]

. . . and this is after 25 years together . . .

 

So, it's just little displays of caring that are important to us, and that often frightening open communication which gets easier the more confident you are in your relationship!

 

*sigh*

 

25 years.

 

I was so hoping for/looking forward to this exact stuff. With my fiance, ex-fiance, I don't know what to call him anymore. You're so right about these "little" things, and I couldn't wait for all that with him. All the cozy stuff.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by bebop

 

Are you huge and shaggy???

No, I'm not.

 

I stand 5'11" tall, I weigh between 160 to 165 lbs.

 

Merin will attest that I'm very clean-cut & straight-looking!

 

There's also Animal. Among other Muppets lol. A Muppet nickname, not a bad thing at all.

My favorite is the Swedish Chef!

[bebop]

I love Chef - hurblygurblyhopbopgobblygobbly . . .

 

My favorite is Rowlf, but I love them all.

 

[moimeme]

Gina sometimes calls me Sweet-Ums. Isn't that a huge shaggy Muppet character though?

 

Yes! A very big lovable one at that

 

Hooray for all the anti-gamers - and how 'bout the fact that some of the ones who are anti-games are in long and happy marriages

 

It wasn't the end, it was the beginning. He was feeling like I didn't care for him anymore either

 

Hoke - that is such an important statement. Both from stories on LS and from folks I've known IRL, it appears this happens a great deal - one or the other half of a couple thinks the other half has ceased to care. Too often, rather than speak about it, the half that feels neglected acts neglectful back and they spiral down into disaster. Congrats on taking the bull by the horns, EC, and you, too, Hoke.

 

I figure most of the 'work' in marriage has to do with ensuring that your beloved knows that s/he is still your beloved. And if, for some reason, you think your partner is beginning not to care, talk about it. Screw games. Games are for kids.

[EC]

I just wanted to say thank you guys.

 

We have been better than ever. And had I not just gone to him about it I would still be worrying and wondering and acting distant.

 

He brought me flower yesterday and took me out to dinner and just wow everything was so perfect.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

He brought me flower yesterday and took me out to dinner and just wow everything was so perfect.

 

Wonderful!!

 

Men, are you paying attention? The dividends are well worth the investment!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Taking someone for granted is far different from being comfortable with them.. it's when people begin to expect rather than appreciate..

 

Oooooo…Merin nailed this one!

 

Head games are never a good idea and should never be confused with "keeping someone interested." I notice that a lot of inexperienced couples play this "lets make each other jealous" game in a foolish effort to keep each other on edge and 'on their toes.' The problem is, they usually end up shooting themselves in the foot instead! Rather than inspiring mutual appreciation, they set off a chain reaction of events that creates even more insecurities between them. The game usually ends with a break-up when someone calls their bluff.

 

I think it's important to remember that whatever approach you take may be mirrored by your partner. If you start acting aloof and suddenly disinterested - then so might he. If you start hanging out with other guys hoping he'll appreciate you more - then he may start hanging out with other women thinking "well, if she can do it than so can I!" I imagine there is already a little of that going on already. The problem is, its usually the one who started the game that ends up more frustrated and insecure than the one they're trying to play. Particularly when realizing they've stepped into their own trap!

 

EC, it sounds as if you are now feeling you've compromised a lot of yourself for this relationship. So why not just go and reclaim all those things you had - your job, your friends. If he didn't ask you to give these things up for him than what's the point in the sacrifice? Just stay busy figuring out ways to make yourself happy rather than having all this extra time on your hands to obsess over what he's doing while you're apart.

 

Being a happy, well-rounded person will keep him interested enough. After all, isn't that the girl he fell for in the first place? I imagine given the stress you've been putting yourself through with this LD thing, you're not the bubbly person he's use to seeing on those rare occasions when you get together?

 

Could that be what's missing?

[EC]

Being a happy, well-rounded person will keep him interested enough. After all, isn't that the girl he fell for in the first place? I imagine given the stress you've been putting yourself through with this LD thing, you're not the bubbly person he's use to seeing on those rare occasions when you get together?

 

Could that be what's missing?

 

Your absolutely right!!!!!

 

I was stressed and worrying and not knowing how to act because I wasn't sure what he was thinking and yeah definitely not the girl he met a while ago.

 

So we talked and last night he brought flowers over and we went to dinner and I was my happy self again and we flirted all night and had an amazing time. Just flowers and some dinner and the fact he pulled my chair out and told me I looked beautiful was all I needed.

[bebop]

COOL.

 

[Scott S]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

Just flowers and some dinner and the fact he pulled my chair out and told me I looked beautiful was all I needed.

 

Perhaps I should qualify what I posted earlier.

 

What matters is not so much the gifts, gestures, etc. themselves, but the feelings they represent, that is, that she is special, I love her, care about her & cherish her. This is ultimately the most important thing to convey.