ThrashMetalHealing Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 Hello again. I posted a long detailed post about a relationship here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/422297-love-versus-backup-plan-depression-ex-will-around-again/new-post.html The summary: I was not in a place in my life to advance my "committed FWB" relationship to the next level she wanted and the woman found someone else who she started dating and still is. We ended things 6 months ago and she was with him soon afterwards. I was concerned in the last post because they re-joined my extended social group and I would be running into them as a couple from time-to-time. Note: I have maintained positive, cordial, Limited Contact with her over email (I deleted her number) about once a month since the breakup. Here are some things which I have experienced/noted which will hopefully provide some thoughts for those of you who are hurting: For me (you): I rebuilt my life. I started exercising and joined a gym. I was lucky enough to find a new social group which gives me more activities too do. I have tried speed-dating and online dating and am meeting women. This is important because it builds a foundation to rely on when things are tough. *The duration and intensity of my sadness has decreased as my life foundation has increased.* You will fail when lying too yourself emotionally. I tried to mask my sadness with emotions of anger and denial (as a result of intellectual games where I try to think between-the-lines). The reality is that I still get trigger's and memories which make me sad for my loss at times. But I spent months on and off trying to pretend the sadness was false and convincing myself that she still wanted me or that I have a justified anger against her; all this did was prolong pain. *You will not be able to control the emotions coming in but they do improve with time (see above note) and you have control over your actions and how you respond. It feels really good too choose positive actions.* I ran into them as a couple a few weeks back. At first I saw two options: pretend they don't exist or treat her somewhat cruelly (scowl or flip off). Neither of these seemed healthy. I personally made the choice to go talk too them and I shook the guy's hand and asked how he was doing. I made small talk with them as a couple and went on my way. Seeing them and being kind does not have to break you or control your life/hangout's. It is a tough choice and playing with fire essentially but I feel the narrow path is worth it for your own character building. *You can sometimes choose too be cordial to your ex and their new partner even though it may feel bad. I felt this option was open because I/she never burned bridges.* From her to me (and them to you): I recall a concept during this experience so far: You need to look at another's actions and not words/memories when evaluating where they stand in your life. When together she would say things too me which indicate she cared a lot for me and wanted me in her life. During the breakup and for sometime afterwards she mentioned the concept that we should still be friends. I believed this and because of her previous words during the relationship I believed she still had feelings for me as well (after all how can someone just lose those feelings so quickly?). After 5 months of LC I asked her if she wanted to hang out to catch up. She said yes, but then cancelled the day of with no excuse or reschedule. I asked her why and she gave me some B.S. stuff about me/her not being ready. So its possible her words about remaining friends were just a saying. Over the last 6 months I have always been the one to initiate contact. Her actions indicate that she does not think of me as being part of her life at all even though her words have historically said otherwise. *I think it will really help us if we continue to look at how they have acted towards us and not what they have said (an action is something like initiating a breakup, choosing not too initiate contact, choosing to cancel plans)* Summary: My life overall is much better than when I was in the relationship and after it ended. I can make choices which will build me up even thought I have struggled emotionally (though much less these days). When a relationship ends you will have time to reflect on your own shortcomings and work on those. I am meeting new people, am physically fitter, and have gone on dates with multiple women. I do still have a fear that I will not find someone to love but this is mostly an emotional idea and I can choose too just keep trying. I hope some of the thoughts above reflect where you are at and help self reflect on your path forward.
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