ThrashMetalHealing Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Alright lets see if we can get a discourse on some points which people may be able to consider. This concerns mixed feelings of love, long term depression, and running into ex with the man she left me for in the future. Read on if such items interest you. Relationship in a nutshell: *I meet girl in a social league, we are FWB for 3 months and she wants more. I say let's just be friends (keeping options open). *We are friends for 3 months and doing date like activities all the time, both lonely, so I suggest we go back to FWB (without calling it that) and we do. *We are exclusive FWB for 3 months without defining the relationship. At this time I am unhappy with life and start looking for work out of town. A new neighbor moves into her Apt. complex. She invites me too a party and he is in the car when she picks me up. I hear them talking about the things they had been doing together (jogging, other party etc). I get pissed and act like a dick at the party but don't tell her why. She brings it up the next day, I act aloof, and she says we need to end things. I am content because it saves me the trouble in case I get that job out of town. The Details: At this point we had been 'together' 9-10 months as on/off FWB but I never wanted to commit. This is part of the issue. I suppose I never saw her as 'good enough' to commit too. I am an engineer by trade and tend to have checklists for women. I got along with her better than any other girl before and she did like me a lot at one point. However I never liked that she is 33 and I am 30. I felt like I should date 27 year old's because that is 6 year's extra of youth for the woman. I also did not like that she lacked a college education and a 'real career' (she was fully employed though). In addition she had some health problems and there were times I found her unattractive (recall that Seinfeld episode with the Two Face). Regardless I go on NC for 6 weeks. Through the grapevine I hear she has been dating the man who is her neighbor. I felt betrayed and shafted. I was angry. I sent her an email saying so but more politely. Then I started to sink into depression and have panic attacks around the holidays. I would cry and feel despair. I started to imagine that I really loved this woman and how could I be so aloof and non-committal to let her go? I sent her a 2nd email 2 months after breakup expressing that I did feel like I loved her, she was a gem, and regret letting her slip by. She responds she appreciates hearing this and is glad I told her but uses general language and terms like: "closure, breakup, our departure". Now I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life and am in counseling for it now and started meds. Its likely I have been in a mild depression before her and I met. These are helping and combined with exercise and forcing myself to get out there has made me feel actually happy with life. I have had 6 dates with different new women from online and lost 15 pounds. For a while I blamed myself (and depression) for the breakup and she put all the blame on me in her emails. But then looking back she never did try to initiate contact with me after she left. She never tried to actually save/start the relationship when it was in trouble. She likely was already dating this new man and was waiting for me to screw up so she had an excuse to leave me and start being physical with him. The anger at this thought is helping me see her as less of a good match for me. However I still struggle with the feeling of loss even though I recall having 'checkbox' issue with this woman. Can a person think they were in love with someone when in reality it is just the hurt from being the dumpee and not finding a suitable replacement? Could the depression have blinded me that I did in fact fall in love but was unaware? I suppose my actions and treatment towards her back then were that she was my backup-plan in case I did not find a younger, healthier woman. This is my first concern. The next concern is that I find she has rejoined my large social league with the man she left me for and I may be running into them on a weekly basis now. I am unsure how I will react but whenever I see a women that looks like her around our part of town I feel myself melt a little. I know I am still vulnerable. However I am not sure how to handle myself if I do run into her and her new lover at the bar. Does anyone have any thoughts on depression clouding a fling that could have been more? Or perhaps thoughts on whether checklist items like age, education level, beauty really do matter for a strong relationship? What about how to handle myself if she is regularly showing up at events I go too?
Oldcatskinner Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Depression stinks. Your thinking is fouled right now. Exclusive FWB is an oxymoron. If you and her did not define that you were in a relationship, then you were not in one. Either way, either party is free to go as they choose. If I were you, I'd chalk this experience up as a hard learned lesson and progress with my life. 3
Author ThrashMetalHealing Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thank you for your reply. I have gone through much more severe depression before and know it can get better. I am working on the tools I need to fight it. But you are right, it does cloud our thinking and especially regarding on-the-fence relationships. I suppose we did not define an actual relationship but I got lazy and thought what we had was stable enough to not worry about another coming into the picture. Lessons learned :/ It has been 4 months since we departed and my coping is much stronger now. So anyone reading this can have some hope. You really need to watch the language you tell yourself while dealing with the emotions and spend the time improving yourself. I may be running into them as a couple in the near future so I will update the board on how such things turn out if it will help people on this forum.
vtred Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 My situation is almost the same. FWB gone horribly wrong and break up happened on her terms while I was completely unprepared. Its been about 3 months of NC for me. I am coping much better but I am seeking the same answers as you are. Wondering how will I react when I see her with her new BF/FWB. I keep thinking how i ll disfigure him and at other times I think whats the point and i should just ignore them. Even though i dont miss her that much anymore , the thought of them 'doing it' just keeps creeping in. My pride is slowly mending but I pray to god everyday that I dont see them until I am ready to face them. I have been through a devastating break up before so i know things get better and eventually one stops caring. The mind gets tired of thinking about it. I just want to fast forward to that stage. It really sucks
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