tell me why i shouldnt

[Zyxel]

Ok, I've been single for just over 1 week. NC for 4 days.

 

Back story: Met this girl, had a fantastic relationship. She was perfect. Always giving me affection, great chemistry, planning for the future etc. I planned a weekend away for her and then as soon as we left, she became distant. Couldn't talk to me properly, no affection, etc. She did hold my hand and snuggle up to me when we were in the hotel bed.

 

Prior to this, she was giving me every signal in the world that she is happy and told me she's excited for xmas.. got me presents insisted i meet her parents everything!

 

Shes had several bad relationships and they've almost always failed as soon as they took a vacation together. The same happened with us... something changed in her head and then she was different.

 

I fell in love with this girl hard!!! We were together 6-7 months...

 

She has deleted me out of her life literally... everything about us she has got rid of. She didn't really explain why she wanted to split up just that we were different people.. not sure what the means? She was pretty happy with the people we were before we took the trip away.

 

Through our relationship she was always scared of getting hurt by me and she found it hard to put trust in people after her previous relationships.

 

I know this won't change her mind at all... But i need to tell her that i fell in love with her. I'm not hoping for a miracle and she suddenly regrets her decision. I just need to get it out off my chest before i explode.. just saying the words i was meaning to say to her during our vacation away.

I love you.

 

I know that if i say that to her then i can finally move on. I need to say it.. i really do. What do you all think?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Ok, I've been single for just over 1 week. NC for 4 days.

 

Back story: Met this girl, had a fantastic relationship. She was perfect. Always giving me affection, great chemistry, planning for the future etc. I planned a weekend away for her and then as soon as we left, she became distant. Couldn't talk to me properly, no affection, etc. She did hold my hand and snuggle up to me when we were in the hotel bed.

 

Prior to this, she was giving me every signal in the world that she is happy and told me she's excited for xmas.. got me presents insisted i meet her parents everything!

 

Shes had several bad relationships and they've almost always failed as soon as they took a vacation together. The same happened with us... something changed in her head and then she was different.

 

I fell in love with this girl hard!!! We were together 6-7 months...

 

She has deleted me out of her life literally... everything about us she has got rid of. She didn't really explain why she wanted to split up just that we were different people.. not sure what the means? She was pretty happy with the people we were before we took the trip away.

 

Through our relationship she was always scared of getting hurt by me and she found it hard to put trust in people after her previous relationships.

 

I know this won't change her mind at all... But i need to tell her that i fell in love with her. I'm not hoping for a miracle and she suddenly regrets her decision. I just need to get it out off my chest before i explode.. just saying the words i was meaning to say to her during our vacation away.

I love you.

 

I know that if i say that to her then i can finally move on. I need to say it.. i really do. What do you all think?

 

It wont matter to her. She will either say: Thats nice, stop talking to me, or just ignore you. None of those answers will help you at all, so why put yourself though that? You are only wanting to tel her this in the small hope that she might reciprocate those feelings. Who says I love you to move on?

 

It will do you no good, so please, dont do it.

[aybc123]

the hardcore NC brigade will advise otherwise but personally i would tell her. tell her that you have no idea what the hell happened, but that you love her and were going to tell her that when you went away. then wish her the best and let it go.

 

it might hurt you more to do it or it might actually give you some peace, but honestly, it feels like the right thing imo, i wouldnt want to have loved someone and never told them, even if we had broken up.

[Zyxel]

I just don't want to leave it un-said Why am i doing this to myself!!?

 

I'm going out for drinks tonight. I might just leave my phone at home. arghh.

[Zyxel]

Thanks aybc123. My Heart is telling me that i need to tell her. I'd want to know if she was in love with me if i broke it off with her.

[aybc123]

If you haven't had a lot of drama from the breakup and have acted pretty well then just send her a note through the post, keep it short simple, i dont care what anyone says she'll at least be touched.

 

As for your story it may be that the holiday away was a step to serious for her and she realised she didnt feel the same way about you as you did her. So please make sure if you do this that you do it for yourself and dont expect her to reciprocate or even reply.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

the hardcore NC brigade will advise otherwise but personally i would tell her. tell her that you have no idea what the hell happened, but that you love her and were going to tell her that when you went away. then wish her the best and let it go.

 

it might hurt you more to do it or it might actually give you some peace, but honestly, it feels like the right thing imo, i wouldnt want to have loved someone and never told them, even if we had broken up.

 

What good will any of it do?? Please tell me

[Zyxel]

aybc123; it would definitely be for me only. I will let her know in the letter that i don't expect a reply and it is something i need to get off my chest before i can finally let go.

[sambo77]

Aybc and I seem to be drinking from the same stream lately...a little area miles upstream from where the staunch NC guys are watering...but I second his opinion. If I were in your shoes and had not yet communicated this to her, then, as paradoxical as it may seem, I'd feel better telling her this once, before moving on.

 

I think the good it would do, for me, would be simply that I'd know that I had communicated my true feelings to her and kinda "done all I could." For me, something about doing that would make it easier for me to let go. But each to his/her own.

[Zyxel]

Thank you sambo77.

 

I know this will not change her mind. She is a great person, i have no anger towards her at all. I'd just like her to know that although it wasn't a long relationship that i managed to fall very much in love with her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks aybc123. My Heart is telling me that i need to tell her. I'd want to know if she was in love with me if i broke it off with her.

 

Hearts mean well, but they have sh*t for brains. I wouldn't do it but if you do, be prepared to have your heart ripped out of your chest Temple of Doom style and then set on fire.

[Never Again]

Hearts mean well, but they have sh*t for brains. I wouldn't do it but if you do, be prepared to have your heart ripped out of your chest Temple of Doom style and then set on fire.

 

I'm gonna fly with the other bird here.

 

Seriously, OP. I made the mistake of telling my ex how I felt during our closure talk (didn't know it was a closure talk at the time). I convinced myself of the same thing: that I didn't want to leave anything unsaid.

 

All I did was make her cry. She stuck with her decision and bawled her eyes out. I was devastated. I was opened myself up to much more pain than if I had just gone NC right away.

 

Keeping your cards close to your vest is the smarter move. It's simple self-preservation.

 

Here, read and absorb:

 

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman

[Never Again]

Don't be a beta.

 

Lame reason.

 

Result is the same: don't do it.

[AnyaNova]

I am sorry that this happened to you.

 

It looks like attachment issues were the cause of your relationship's end. I am just learning a lot more about these from the ground, so to speak, though I knew about them theoretically.

 

And this can be a very bizarre and confusing experience. Essentially, it sounds like through experience, she has learned that love, at some point, eventually equals intolerable pain, and so to protect herself, to manage her feelings and keep herself safe, she pushes people away, once they get to the point in the past where they got burned, or multiply burned.

 

And it is confusing, either how quickly a 180 their feelings seem to go, in your case, whatever feelings she had she probably covered up in front of you to reduce vulnerability (and perhaps, she buried them within herself as well), or they show you all the feeling, but still push you away. My ex probably had attachment issues. If I knew it, or recognized it, perhaps I could have prevented our end from happening, I do not know. But it did and so I must move on. If you want to read other stories that involve attachment issues, my own can be found:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/428642-what-happened-i-don-t-understand

 

And if it is okay with you, Monkeymaid, I would suggest reading threads and posts written by Monkeymaid, who does seem quite knowledgeable on the subject. But Monkeymaid told me what I am about to tell you in the next paragraph, at one point regarding my ex, and it is very true and only the gender of the ex has changed. Read it. Then read it again. And find a way to command yourself to act on this. if she does come back at some point.

 

If she comes back to you without all of these three things--1) an apology, 2) an explicit desire to rekindle things in an actual and exclusive relationship--your feelings need to be honored here, so no, "let's hang out and see what happens" and 3) Telling you that she has these issues, that she is in therapy getting help for them, and (actually, I am going to add a 4th) 4) Is willing to work with you to create an "action plan" for when she gets triggered, when she wants to cut and run that involves telling you clearly her fears of abandonment, and to stay with you and not to just run when she gets overwhelmed--If she doesn't initiate the first three and agree to the fourth, Do not walk, but run away, because the fear will overwhelm her again and she will leave you again.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you. As soon as you get PM'ing privileges, please feel free to PM me with questions, comments, anything. My situation was definitely different, but I do know what it is like and how crazy making it is to be on the receiving end of this. And how much it hurts.

 

Because I know how much you want to comfort her, to take her in your arms and reassure her that you aren't going to leave. Because it is the same thing that I wanted for a long time with Tim, and am trying to work on not wanting...to hold him, and tell that scared little kid inside of him that I would do everything in my power to keep him from being hurt by me. To hold him and show him that everyone doesn't go away in the end.

 

A good song (up to a point, don't overdo it!!!) to help you understand her mindset, and work out your own feelings about these issues, is Johnny Cash's rendition of "Hurt" I am sorry that you are going through this. Time. Talking through it. And there is lots of good advice about self-care. Definitely take it.

 

EDIT: Trying to edit repeatedly to put the line breaks in, and it wont save my changes, despite pushing, "save changes." Apologies. Let us see if this attempt works.

Edited October 26, 2013 by AnyaNova

[sambo77]

Hearts mean well, but they have sh*t for brains. I wouldn't do it but if you do, be prepared to have your heart ripped out of your chest Temple of Doom style and then set on fire.

 

Yeah...but sometimes...for some people...in certain circumstances...you kinda need your heart ripping out of your chest Temple of Doom style and then set on fire before you fully appreciate where you're at and what this means. The most powerful, painful emotions are often also the most powerful teachers and result in the most profound changes of perspective.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah...but sometimes...for some people...in certain circumstances...you kinda need your heart ripping out of your chest Temple of Doom style and then set on fire before you fully appreciate where you're at and what this means. The most powerful, painful emotions are often also the most powerful teachers and result in the most profound changes of perspective.

 

Meh, I don't think you have to jump out of an airplane without a parachute to realize the value of skydiving safety. I don't see the value of doing something foolish to learn a lesson when everyone else around you is warning you of said foolishness.

[mtnbiker3000]

NC is the ONLY thing that has kept me emotionally 'alive' since my BU. The ONLY thing.

 

Been 7.5 months NC and doing worlds better...

 

Suit yourself, but the NC veterans on this site speak from experience (myself included). Not to lecture or seem superior, but to save your a.ss from the fire. No other reason!!!

[todreaminblue]

i dont know why she cut and run........i think closure is good for some but not for all...i always try to close things off.....to me its like shutting the door...an di do that so i can open another one... even after the horse has bolted..ill say or write what i need to to have closure..i have written closure letters....and seen the person i break with and discussed why..and i have never been treated badly doing so......

 

you know this girl, no one on here knows her like you do and you know how you feel , ultimately regardless of advice you get you will decide what is best for you...i just suggest you take time to decide what that best thing is.....and then follow your heart...i wish you well...deb

[Minneloa]

Are you guys seriously saying that if you loved someone and ended up breaking up with them a few days before you told them you would not want to tell them because it might make you suffer for an extra month.

 

Yes. In the OP's case, his ex broke up with him and went No Contact. If it were my situation, I would absolutely not contact her to tell her I loved her. The relationship is over, and this statement, I feel, would only make me vulnerable to more hurt when the inevitable silence or tepid response came. Once the romantic connection has been severed, I think it's best for the dumpee to keep his/her own counsel and move on.

[AnyaNova]

We are talking about the OP's issues Anya...and the issues it raises too. We're only debating around that. Besides, it's not like this us a "NC vs no NC" debate. It's a "NC (for it's undoubted and essential benefits) isn't always a panacea...discuss" debate.

 

That depends on which person is posting at that particular moment. :-) Some of you do a better job than others at bringing the subject around to the OP, and his situation. I'm just saying.

 

And I was remembering early snips at all those people who refused to go NC, etc. as well.

 

I think fundamentally, the people who are most helpful on the thread are those that remember that the question on this thread is, "should this person in this situation go NC." And not, "Is NC an overarching nearly always best fit solution for everyone in every situation."

 

Don't get me wrong. I am a firm advocate of NC. But I also know that people need to learn sometimes by experience, and that sometimes there are situations where it could be damaging to someone else. And situations where it could be damaging to someone else, but needs to happen to prevent too much damage on the part of the dumpee.

 

But I think in this situation, especially if he hasn't ever told her explicitly, and if he is forewarned and forearmed about the pain he will cause himself by doing so, and is fully informed before doing so, if it is truly important to him, than perhaps he does need to do it.

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm not only a NC advocate, but a practicing member for 7.5 months. And you??

[HorseLuck]

Zyxel, take a couple of days to consider both sides of what the posters here have said. After that go with your gut.

 

Have you never told this girl you love her before?

She didn't really provide any closure for you. Sounds like she didn't have an actual reason. Either way it doesn't matter now. I would hope that if you do decide to deliver those words you can promise yourself that it will help to give you a sense of release without any ulterior subconscious motives. Final words, no contact after that- not even if she responds. I would delete any messages before even reading them because no doubt it would set you back.

 

I wrote an e-mail to my ex because I felt it necessary; my final words. I had told him not to reply and if he did I would delete a response. He ended up texting me a reply and I read it. It prolonged my emotions. However, I didn't regret it. I got what I wanted to say off of my chest.

Edited October 26, 2013 by HorseLuck

[Robert]

on topic posts only please, post to the thread starters concerns

[Mz_sassy_77]

Don't do it. It's the worse thing you can do. Take it from someone who knows. You will end up feeling like crap and she will end up feeling great that you still want her. Don't give her an ego boost. You will end up looking sad and desperate. Believe me I know. Whatever you do don't contact her. If you cant help yourself delete her number, FB friend, email, everything.