djcos25 Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I had my first breakup a few weeks ago, Oct. 6 to be exact. I finally decided to post my thoughts here. For a little background on my relationship please go to this thread: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/403573-my-first-breakup-i-don-t-want-but-i-feel-like-its-time The week before I broke up with her I pretty much knew. Even though it was my first relationship, if someone were to ask me if I was going to marry her, my answer would probably be no. I went out with her because she was such a nice and genuine person, despite the crohn's disease and bi-polar. I also overlooked me doing 100% of the driving and paying for almost everything. However, it started getting to me after a while. She lived about 40 minutes from me, so it also killed my gas and miles on my car. It'd be one thing if she was giving me money for gas, but she wasn't. I talked to her numerous times about this, but things never changed. It got a little better when she got a job, but lost the job when she went to Virginia (see link above for story). We went out for about 10 months, but the Wednesday before she flipped out on me for something very minor. I was worried that day as I had to go to the doctor's for a few cortisone shots (ended up being not bad). After that I pretty much had my mind made up, and I told her I needed a few days to think. Of course she was all upset and I felt terrible, as I knew what I'd be doing in the next few days. On Sunday the father called me and said if I'm going to breakup with her, not to come up and do it because it would be really hard on her. That's what my plan was, because I was not doing it over the phone or anything. Now that I couldn't, I had to do it over the phone, I respected the father's wishes. I ended up facetiming her, and as soon as I saw her I felt terrible. I started tearing up, told her I think its time to call it off. After talking for a bit, what does she do? She gets in her car and drives up to see me! Out of 10 months of dating, NOW she's coming up to see me? On top of that, now her car isn't working properly. But she couldn't drive to see me when her car WAS working correctly? She came to my house and we talked for about 2 hours. It was the worst 2 hours of my life. She bawled her eyes out so much, begged for me to change my mind. She told me she didn't drive up or anything because she was too stubborn and she's willing to change. What about changing from all the other times I mentioned these issues? At one point she grabbed onto my shirt and begged me, please dont go, I need you, etc. It really hurt me to reject her, seeing her like that. I had to take her keys away from her because I was not having her drive with how she was. After she finally calmed down I gave her keys back, walked her to her car. I gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek and said thanks for everything and she drove off. During the whole time I was not mean towards her or anything, I let her down as easy as I could. Now its a few weeks later and I still think about it. We do still keep in contact, its mainly me initiating contact. I do this because I still care for her and want to see how she's doing. It's just me checking in on her really. I just feel so terrible because this was the first time I broke up with someone, and of how she felt about me. She really loved me, I loved her but I don't think I was in love with her. I told her that and I didn't think it would be fair. It just hurts to take that happiness away from someone you care for. Its such a horrible feeling. However the next day I didn't have that feeling like I made a mistake. My Dad even said she was a good kid, but its something you don't want to deal with later in life, regardless if she can't help her situation. I feel even more bad because she has almost no friends. She stays home practically 24/7, doesn't work or go to school. Now I'm seeing another girl, and its a good situation. She works full time, has a car, drives to see me, we split for things when we go out, etc. and its real nice. What are your thoughts and opinions? Did I do the right thing, did I break up with her the right way, did I handle it correctly?
ponchsox Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 If you really care about her, don't contact her any longer and let her move on. Checking in on her is only setting her back.
theothersully Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 You did the right thing for yourself and you did it with a lot more grace, tact and caring than a lot of people. Not sure how you made it through the begging/crying. I probably would have caved. Also, good move with the car keys. Driving in a zombie like post break up state is dangerous. I drove off with a damn gas station pump nozzle right after my divorce. Had never had a single driving incident in the 20 years prior. I drive well...enjoy machines like that. But, the fog was so thick I didn't know where I was. I pulled a few feet forward, the front of the pump fell off and my gas (diesel) filler tube and door was all wrecked. So... smart with the keys with her. And ponch is right above. You are re opening the hurt by contacting her. It is better for her if you do not.
Author djcos25 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) You did the right thing for yourself and you did it with a lot more grace, tact and caring than a lot of people. Not sure how you made it through the begging/crying. I probably would have caved. Also, good move with the car keys. Driving in a zombie like post break up state is dangerous. I drove off with a damn gas station pump nozzle right after my divorce. Had never had a single driving incident in the 20 years prior. I drive well...enjoy machines like that. But, the fog was so thick I didn't know where I was. I pulled a few feet forward, the front of the pump fell off and my gas (diesel) filler tube and door was all wrecked. So... smart with the keys with her. And ponch is right above. You are re opening the hurt by contacting her. It is better for her if you do not. Thanks. I don't know how I made it through either. I'll admit, I did cry when I was breaking up with her. I even tried to calm her down, by hugging her and everything. When she calmed down, I gave her back her keys. She looked like she couldn't cry anymore, she just looked like she had a frozen look on her face. It just hurt because I was the only guy who treated her how a girl should be treated, and I took that away from her. She's always been used and abused, all that bad stuff. I even felt horrible when I facetimed her. Her Dad didn't want me to come up, so I figured that was the best alternative. Sorry about your accident. I always make it a habit with me or anyone, not to drive if you're not calm. I never drive when I'm really upset, angry or anything. I forgot to mention, I even asked her if she wanted me to stop talking for a while, she said no, she felt it was better to her that I stay in touch. She told me she doesn't want me to just disappear or anything. I keep in contact with her like every 2-3 days. I do consider her a good friend. I checked in with her yesterday because she had surgery to remove a polyp in her bladder. I should also correct myself, its about 50/50 with us contacting each other. After a few days if I haven't reached out to her she'll either text me or message me on Facebook. She thought I may have been the one. When I broke up with her she told me that she doesn't want to see anyone else. I made her so happy, and I took that happiness away from her. That's what hurts me. I've now been on both ends of a breakup, and they equally suck. Edited October 25, 2013 by djcos25
Author djcos25 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 Today has been a month exactly since I broke up with her and I still feel down about it. Did I really go about it the right way? I feel like a jerk doing it at first over facetime, but I wanted to respect the father's wishes and not come up. I just feel terrible knowing I took what made her happy away from her. I feel bad for her, she has basically almost no friends, she stays home 24/7, but that's because she has no job or doesn't go to school. My Dad told me "her problems can't be your problems." It's still a crappy feeling though.
xUnknown Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Today has been a month exactly since I broke up with her and I still feel down about it. Did I really go about it the right way? I feel like a jerk doing it at first over facetime, but I wanted to respect the father's wishes and not come up. I just feel terrible knowing I took what made her happy away from her. I feel bad for her, she has basically almost no friends, she stays home 24/7, but that's because she has no job or doesn't go to school. My Dad told me "her problems can't be your problems." It's still a crappy feeling though. Her dad is right. You said, " she has basically almost no friends, she stays home 24/7"...she needs to work on that and not be dependent. That quote from her dad hit home...because I feel I may have made some of my problems my ex's problems. Not intentionally obviously, shes been there for me while I'm struggling, but I feel as if a side effect may have been that.
Author djcos25 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 Sorry to hear that. It was my Dad that said that, not hers btw. Do you think maybe I feel worse because it was my first girlfriend? She has had past relationships but I was the only one so far that treated her good. Thats what hurts too, I took that away from her. She's basically got nothing. I'm a very laid back guy and I dealt with her issues, I really don't know if she will find anyone. I hope she does, I want her to be happy. But then she tells me she doesn't want to be with anyone else, which hurts, because I don't see a future with her. I still consider her a good friend, don't get me wrong. I still feel crappy for facetiming her, although she did drive up to see me to try to get me to change my mind after (and I'm thinking now you're coming to see me?). Even though after I asked her, she told me it would be easier for her if I kept in touch, do you think its a good idea? I call/text a few times a week to check in, see how she's doing.
Author djcos25 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 I know this wasn't really a short read but thanks to anyone who read and/or posted in here, it means a lot. This will probably be the last time I update this thread, but I'm only posting as today would have been our 1 year anniversary. Is it normal to feel down, especially on a day like today about this? Any reassurance I did the right thing and I went about it the right way? I still feel like a jerk about the whole thing.
Author djcos25 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 If there is anyone reading this, I'm feeling very guilty about breaking up with her, its been 2 months now. Is it normal to feel like this? I know everyone's grieving period is different.
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