My first breakup: I don't want to.. but I feel like its time

[djcos25]

I've been dating my girlfriend for just about 7 months. Love being with her and everything. She has bi-polar and chrons disease. I looked past those things. However after our 6 month hit, she started acting differently. She told me she wanted to go back to her home in Virginia, even though she's been living here since 2006.

 

At the end of May, she didn't tell anyone and went back. There's a family down there, she knows them from high school. They paid for the train ticket. She didn't meet them, she got off then back on and came home. Basically she did a big circle. I was upset with her, but eventually got over it. That's when I didn't know who these people were.

 

I saw her Monday, had to drop her license off cause she left it at my house. Tuesday came, and again she got up and just left. I found out from the cousin that these people use her. They use her for food stamps, use her to watch her kids, and this guy down there has done stuff to her that she has said no to. Basically, he has raped her. Only the aunt knows, not the parents. The guy listens to a band called ICP. He paints his face white and goes around scaring people. His mother has taken her phone and texted me, posing as my girlfriend saying I'm supposed to be with this guy, not you. It's like a prison there, she's not allowed to text me. They monitor when she's on the phone.

 

What strikes me odd is the parents aren't doing anything really to get her. She's 25, I know she's an adult and left on her own, but if that was my kid I'd be doing anything to get them back. They said they have to wait until the 1st when they have more money to buy her a ticket to come home.

 

She has been very insecure with me, thinking I'd leave her and everything. I believe she thought I was "the one". She is used to relationships where she is used, abused, cheated on, etc. I come along and treat her like gold and she pushes me away. Some people have said just leave her, let her be. I can't do that, if I break up with her it'll be at least some closure. I can't just flip a switch and not care anymore, that's horrible. I want her home safe.

 

It's not just this, but I did 100% of the driving. She lives about a half hour from me. I live in the city, she lives near the beach. She doesn't know the area where I am, she's never had a need to come my way. So it's always me picking her up, dropping her off. I also pay for everything. Granted, I believe the guy should pay, yes. But its getting annoying where I have to pay for stuff thats 2 bucks, 5 bucks, every week. I feel like I gave 110%, and she didn't give much at all. Two of my best friends have said something about her seemed off. There's no hatred or anything, they just disliked her. My Dad is upset with her now after the stunt she pulled. Deep down though she is a sweet girl, her heart's in the right place.

 

In the 7 months of dating her, we've never had a problem until these people started contacting her again. But I feel like this is something I need to step away from and not be a part of. But if I break up with her when she gets back, I feel like I'd look like a jerk because she is going to be seeking help when she comes home.

 

Should I break up with her? Would that be the right thing to do? I'm just so upset because I know she wants to be with me, and if I break up with her I already know what's going to happen. She's going to cry hysterically, bawl her eyes out and be beyond devastated, and I don't want to see that. I fear she might do something stupid, like go back to Virginia. It's a day I'm constantly dreading if I do.

 

It may seem like a cruel thing to say, but in the end I have to look out for myself. People tell me whatever she does after you break up with her is not your responsibility. I agree but I can't help it, it would still be on my conscious. I would feel somewhat responsible.

Edited June 24, 2013 by djcos25

[Finality338]

I once found myself in a situation similar to yours. I was worried that breaking it off might mean she does something to hurt herself or worse. I ended up staying around to see if things got better, but things only got worse and worse.

 

My recommendation is break it off before she gets even more attached to you or vice versa. The whole side plot with that other guy sounds like a recipe for disaster too. I feel like a horrible person for saying this but you are absolutely right, you need to look out for yourself.

[Million.to.1]

Sounds like she (or her 'friends' from home) are involved in the Juggalo scene. Do you know much about it?

 

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXRAQyiqx-M

[StrongLass]

But I feel like this is something I need to step away from and not be a part of.

 

BINGO. She probably is as sweet as you say but it also sounds like she's got more issues than DC comics. The only person that can fix those is her.

 

Should I break up with her? Would that be the right thing to do? I'm just so upset because I know she wants to be with me

 

To your questions 1 and 2 YES (BUT you don't have to be a dick about it) She isn't in a mental place where she could have a healthy relationship with anyone right now let alone with you.

 

I fear she might do something stupid, like go back to Virginia. It's a day I'm constantly dreading if I do.It may seem like a cruel thing to say, but in the end I have to look out for myself. People tell me whatever she does after you break up with her is not your responsibility. I agree but I can't help it, it would still be on my conscious. I would feel somewhat responsible.

 

Given everything that's gone down and the fact that you still care about her it's reasonable to be concerned.

 

BUT...she IS an adult and thus can do what she wants regardless of wisdom. I know it hurts like he11 but you're just going to have to accept that. You really DO have to look out for yourself with this situation.

 

PS? You sound like a really nice guy so know you have that going for you at the least

[djcos25]

BINGO. She probably is as sweet as you say but it also sounds like she's got more issues than DC comics. The only person that can fix those is her.

 

Very true. Her and the mother have told me when she gets back she'll be going for help.

 

 

 

To your questions 1 and 2 YES (BUT you don't have to be a dick about it) She isn't in a mental place where she could have a healthy relationship with anyone right now let alone with you.

 

Again I agree. I'm going to let her down as easy as I can, mainly because of her issues and how deeply she feels about me. Maybe I can even offer to be there for her when she's getting help. Excuse me for being a little personal here but she was my first. I just turned 27 in May. After the first time we "did the deed" she got all sad and said to me "Well it was nice knowing you." She thought because I was a virgin at the time, I was just using her for sex and then leaving her. And another time after an argument she started crying and said "Please don't break up with me". Hearing those things just broke me inside. I felt so bad. I figured after a few months of dating she would stop being insecure but sadly, no.

 

 

 

Given everything that's gone down and the fact that you still care about her it's reasonable to be concerned.

 

BUT...she IS an adult and thus can do what she wants regardless of wisdom. I know it hurts like he11 but you're just going to have to accept that. You really DO have to look out for yourself with this situation.

 

PS? You sound like a really nice guy so know you have that going for you at the least

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

Lastly, I've been told by her parents, cousins and aunts how much I mean to her and everything. Her cousin is baffled as to why she would go back to that family and that situation again, where all they do is treat her like crap. Especially being raped. She'll message me on Facebook when she can saying she wants to come home, she misses me and hopes we can work this out, etc. She can be easily manipulated, and that's what this family does. They'll say things like "the kids miss you" or something just to get her to come down. It's sad and disgusting.

 

She left with just the clothes on her back. No extra clothes, no money, not even her medicine. This is twice she has left me. Yes they paid for the tickets, yes she's not in a right state of mind, but in the end she made the decision to leave. Nobody came here and forced her to leave. If I get back together with her, I'm gonna have that in my mind, if she might leave again.

Edited June 24, 2013 by djcos25

[djcos25]

And I talked to her last night, she's holding out hope that when she comes back we're going to get back together. I told her first I want you home safe. Secondly I don't know, everything can't go back to how it was was before. She tried giving me an ultimatum saying "if you don't get back with me I'm staying here, I swear on my grandma's soul I don't want to be alone." I (hopefully) got her out of that thought process.

 

Lastly, one of her friends told me if I do break it off, not to do it as soon as she gets back. Let her get home and settled in first, then maybe wait a week or so. I think that would be best.

[StrongLass]

And I talked to her last night, she's holding out hope that when she comes back we're going to get back together. I told her first I want you home safe. Secondly I don't know, everything can't go back to how it was was before. She tried giving me an ultimatum saying "if you don't get back with me I'm staying here, I swear on my grandma's soul I don't want to be alone." I (hopefully) got her out of that thought process.

 

Yikes. (Not toward you, toward her "logic" )

 

Lastly, one of her friends told me if I do break it off, not to do it as soon as she gets back. Let her get home and settled in first, then maybe wait a week or so. I think that would be best.

 

That doesn't sound too bad, just be sure that she doesn't suck you right back into your old routines together (or keep putting it off) AND that you stand firm by your decision.

 

Oh and your earlier "personal" moment was fine btw, it's not like you were explicit or anything. Besides most people on here will understand (I'm doing my best right now to get over my ex that was my 'first' too!)

[djcos25]

Yikes. (Not toward you, toward her "logic" )

 

Yeah I know. Its a crappy situation, and she is down there without her medication. The stuff I mentioned that she said to me, just wanted to let you know how deeply she feels for me. Which is why I am dreading breaking up with her.

 

 

 

That doesn't sound too bad, just be sure that she doesn't suck you right back into your old routines together (or keep putting it off) AND that you stand firm by your decision.

 

Oh and your earlier "personal" moment was fine btw, it's not like you were explicit or anything. Besides most people on here will understand (I'm doing my best right now to get over my ex that was my 'first' too!)

 

Yeah I'll be sure not to get sucked back in. Cause guess whose gonna have to do the driving again? lol. Although she did say she decided when she gets back we can take turns. I think she said that only cause the idea is out there that I possibly will break up with her. But its like.. why couldn't you make this decision in the 7 months we were dating?

 

When she gets back I'm gonna drive up there and see how she's doing and such. Come home, give it a few days to a week, drive back up to see her and end things. And about my personal matter, I figured it was ok to talk about that, just wanted to give a little more background.

 

 

I'm just so upset because of how upset she will be when I break up with her, that and its the first time I'm breaking up with someone. It's making it harder too when she messages me on Facebook and says things like "You're mine" and "I don't want to see you with anyone else."

Edited June 24, 2013 by djcos25

[StrongLass]

It's making it harder too when she messages me on Facebook and says things like "You're mine" and "I don't want to see you with anyone else."

 

That...sounds more like her instability talking than love. Would you still feel like that kind of talk was endearing or "making it hard" to let go if she started threatening or cyber stalking your new gf/ date? (If you try the "just friends" route and start to move on. Purely theoretical.)

 

Not saying she would, it's just best to be careful and consider "worst case scenarios" when high levels of instability are a very present factor in a situation. (Especially if said unstable person feels highly possessive of another human being.)

[djcos25]

Yeah I hear you. I think she has an idea that I might break up with her, she keeps telling me she has that fear when she gets back I'm going to do it. She told me if I was to break up with her, to do it now, and not lead her on.

 

Thing is, if I break up with her now it'll be over facebook while she's still down in Virginia. I'm not gonna do that, I'd feel like a total jerk. Not only that, if I do it now she'd probably stay down there. I don't want that, I want her home safe.

 

On the other hand, when she comes back and then I break up with her, I feel like I'm gonna look like a jerk too because she'll be getting help and she told me not to lead her on. Either way I feel like I'm losing.

[StrongLass]

Sadly sometimes life is too messy to resolve neatly

 

This site's always here if you want to come back & update/need more help

[djcos25]

Thanks. Yeah its one hell of a mess. Sometimes I just think "what did I get myself into?"

 

The whole "you're mine" and "I don't want to see you with anyone else" talk was just her saying how much she loves me. And again, which is making it tough for me to break up with her.

 

I talked to the mother the other day, she told me the father is getting fed up with whats going on. To me it seems like the parents (more so the father at least) is trying to push his problems onto me. When we started dating the father was asking me what our plans were and everything like that.

 

On top of that, I was never invited in their house. They never said to me "You can't come in the house" but they just never invited me in. I went to pick her up one time and I got to their house before they did (they went out to eat). My girlfriend had to run in the house to get a few things, and the father and I stood outside talking, waiting for her. He never said anything like "Oh come inside for a minute."

 

On top of that, one time she just took my iphone and changed my background picture to a picture of me and her. I don't mind having a photo of us, but at least ask before just taking my phone. But yet if I just wanted to check the time on her phone she'd be like "Don't touch my phone." Another time I leaned in to kiss her while she was laying down on her phone, when I leaned in she kind of tried to hide the phone.

 

Whole situation is just so odd.

Edited June 27, 2013 by djcos25

[djcos25]

Talked to her last night a bit. She tried getting in touch with her grandparents (why she didn't do this earlier I have no idea). She told me her grandparents won't help and not to contact them again.

 

Great, so I'm definitely going to look like the bad guy breaking up with her. Besides her parents, aunts and cousins I'm the only one she has here at home.

[djcos25]

I just want to apologize for replying to a somewhat old topic. I figured I'd update this one rather then make a new post.

 

 

Anyways.. after 3 weeks she came back. Luckily she wasn't harmed or anything. She came back early on a Wednesday morning. Fortunately that's my day off from both jobs so I took a ride to her house after I woke up. I was on the phone with her driving up and she was bawling her eyes out, thinking this was it. I had my mind just about made up but I wanted to see her before it was final.

 

I know this is the opposite of what I said I was gonna do but I ended up taking her back. Had this been a week or 2 into the relationship I probably would have walked away. When I got up there she told me she prepared herself, thinking I was coming up to break up with her. When I saw her though I could see how sorry and upset she was. I still cared for her. I wasn't there for like 20 minutes and then I took her back, I was there for a good 4 and a half hours. We had a long talk, for a while I didn't let her spend the night like she would before. Basically, things didn't go back to how they were, and I told her that couldn't happen. I wanted to ease back into the relationship.

 

Since then we've been fine, no problems. The only thing that is a problem is the transmission in her car went, so I'm still picking her up/dropping her off, and I'm still paying for a majority of things, even if its under $5. It may sound like she is using me, but she isnt. It seems like the parents are living on paycheck to paycheck.

 

Lastly, my friends and my Dad aren't really on board with the idea that I'm back with her. One of my friends seems to be coming around, the other one I might need to have a talk with him. The one I have a problem with, lets call him "Ned", he doesn't even ask me "How's you and your girl doing?" Nothing. I remember when I went over his house she called me, we were doing phone tag, we kept missing each other. I told "Ned" she was calling and he kinda rolled his eyes. I've been having some issues with him anyway, lately he's been acting like his ***** doesn't stink.

 

What should I do? We've had no problems or issues but I don't want to feel uncomfortable dating her now.

Edited September 23, 2013 by djcos25

[HereWeGoAgain1]

I'd recommend you talk her into getting some counselling. Even if you have to pay, I'm not saying you should but if you really want to help this girl it's the thing to do.