KansasChica Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 So...sorry for the long post My boyfriend and I dated for about 4 months earlier in the year. I had known him before then, but he came on strong and I fell for his charm. It turned out we had a lot in common and could make each other laugh, etc. Then, by month 3, he started taking me for granted and began withdrawing. I tend to have anxiety and can get insecure in relationships, so I definitely sensed this and began clinging. He then broke it off. I was definitely hurt- especially because he couldn't give me a solid reason. He claimed to have feelings for me, but something felt off. His whole breakup routine seemed well-rehearsed like he'd done it plenty of times before. I immediately went No Contact and tried to heal and move on. 2 months later, he reaches back out. He told me that he had basically freaked out, realized how much he took me for granted and wanted me back in his life. I told him that we could talk again, but I wanted to take things slowly. We've been exclusive now for 3 months and the same thing is happening again. I got drunk at a party and we got in an argument. Our first real argument. We had both been really good this second time around, communicating our issues and needs. I guess during the argument I expressed wanting a future with him and complained that he never introduced me as his girlfriend, etc. and I guess he freaked out. I spoke to my therapist about it and he thought I got insecure because we were approaching the 3 month mark again- when he broke up with me the first time. I apologized to my bf for my drunken ramblings and told him I never get like that (which is true and he's never seen me like that). After that, he started withdrawing again. A couple of days again, I told him that I felt disconnected with him and he told me that he felt I was more serious and further along in the relationship than he was, which really hurt because I gave him a second chance. I asked him if he wanted a break or wanted to date other people and he said no, but I can't help feeling that he's withdrawing again. He keeps planning events or going to the gym so he can't spend time with me. He also confessed that he didn't know why he always freaked out in relationships. I asked him if he had ever considered therapy and he told me yes. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like I keep trying to move forward, but I know he needs his space and is trying to not flee the relationship. So I've decided to back way off. I really care about him and we have a good connection. Other info: We are both in our thirties He has 4 other roommates with no plans to changing his living situation He likes to stay busy and is always taking on new projects He never plans anything with me- no trips, nothing. When we first started dating, he planned dates and now nothing. Again, sorry for the long post. Please any advice is greatly appreciated.
Author KansasChica Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Oh, and he has never had a long-term relationship- just a series of short relationships where he gets "sick of the woman" and breaks it off.
Phantom888 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 You know his routine. He is sick of you and wants to break it off, but he doesn't want to be alone. He is just waiting for the next woman who would take him, then he is out of your life for good. Why would you tolerate this? 1
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Other info: We are both in our thirties He has 4 other roommates with no plans to changing his living situation He likes to stay busy and is always taking on new projects He never plans anything with me- no trips, nothing. When we first started dating, he planned dates and now nothing. You must be dating my ex. The gym and work was the number one excuse to avoid me. That allowed enough space to be close enough for him to be comfortable with having someone in his life and on his terms, yet keeping you far enough to not encourage you to get too emotionally dependent on him. He is not going to change the living situation because that keeps you at bay. He stays busy because that keeps you at bay. He never plans anything with you because that keeps you at bay. It won't change. It's ingrained. Push and Pull. You will get close. He will feel suffocated. Break. He will settle down and feel that he can do it again. You get back. You get close. He will again feel suffocated. Same cycle. And when he's telling you he gets sick of the women, you are one of those women. You are not the exception. Remember that. 1
melbrub18 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Honestly, you sound like you already know deep down that he has commitment issues. You guys have a shared intimacy and a connection, but didn't build up that passion or commitment to sustain the relationship. It's not all your fault, but clinging to him more does scare him off. He is either A: not sure of what to do because he still values what you guys had, or B: chooses to run away from the issue because he never had to deal with it before in his previous relationships. Backing off is the smartest choice for right now, but eventually you need to decide to move on or stay with him. However, it would be best to move on and find a partner who shares the same qualities, needs, and values. Not only that but someone who is compatible to you and makes you feel secured, looking for a commitment (if that is what you are looking for), and someone you feel intimately and passionate about as vice versa. Goodluck on whatever you decide on!
Assasda Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 She loves this guy. She just loves him more than he loves her, she should just be honest with herself. You dont want to leave this guy. So you make the plans, you work it, until it works
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/414399-my-ex-trying-get-me-back Is this the same guy back in August?
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Yep... same guy. :| I think you know and have your answer.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Congratulations, you've met a yo-yo'er type commitmentphobe. These types can't make up their minds / are f*cked up and want to play mind games / have serious issues / are psychopaths who have a harem of narcissistic supply -- and they keep yo-yo'ing in and out of your life at whim. Stop taking him back. Move on to better things and people. You deserve better. You're not being needy -- if your needs aren't being met, you should move on. "Needy" is just used as a justification by these types.
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