Blaise Harris's "How to Get Your Lover Back?" Did this work for anyone?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by rastafari

i read the book and it didnt do a damn thing for me. if the person doesnt want to accept your loving 110% then it just going to push them away more. thats what it did for me. i was extreemly nice and loving towards her and if anything it pushed me more towards the friends zone, but farther away then anything.

before i bought this book i was a COMPLETE as*hole to the girl. she would waite for me after class and i would just walk past her with my chin up and not say a word. she would say "what, you dont want to talk to me?" and i would say "no, not really"...that made her want to talk to me more...she would hussel towards me and say "i just wanted to say hi" then i would reply with "thats nice"....

then i bought the book a few days later and it turned me into a wuss. i did everything that it said. she knew she could have me when she wanted so she ignored me.

so i wish that i was that i stayed as*hole the whole time.

thats what i regret most, that i turned into a softy

 

Actually, being an a-hole isn't the answer either.

 

It's being BALANCED. Understanding the balance between being a nice guy and jerk is what will make you appealing. You can't be a jerk 100% of the time nor can you be a nice guy 100% of the time.

[westernxer]

His next book is on how to get your money back from a scam artist.

[COWBOYWAY]

Try Reading Homer McDonalds how to stop your divorce. Pretty good read, and a lot of good points

[loveisallaround]

Read Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov.

 

Basically the premise is to love yourself, don't give up your life and not to show all your cards immediately. Applicable to either gender. Sherry's main thesis is: Your boyfriend/girlfriend is only one person and their opinion of you doesn't really matter in the long run.

 

And although we're talking about exes - one of my girlfriends read the book, installed those principles in herself and WHAM! Her ex started coming around again.

 

Your ex is only one person. Theres a sea of many people out there. Ironically, when you acknowledge that their opinion holds no gravity on you - they start being attracted to you again. Considering of course, you're on OK/good terms.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by loveisallaround

Read Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov.

 

I'm glad to see others pushing books too. There's plenty to gain from taking one hour a day to invest in self-improvement.

 

Basically the premise is to love yourself

 

Absolutely. If you don't love yourself, no one else will.

"A man who loves himself will have no rivals." - Ben Franklin

 

don't give up your life and not to show all your cards immediately. Applicable to either gender.

 

Definitely. The rules in "Love Must Be Tough" cover this topic throughly as well as "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I highly suggest both books to men.

 

Sherry's main thesis is: Your boyfriend/girlfriend is only one person and their opinion of you doesn't really matter in the long run.

 

Exactly!

 

And although we're talking about exes - one of my girlfriends read the book, installed those principles in herself and WHAM! Her ex started coming around again.

 

Confidence is sexy and VERY attractive.

 

Your ex is only one person. Theres a sea of many people out there. Ironically, when you acknowledge that their opinion holds no gravity on you - they start being attracted to you again.

Considering of course, you're on OK/good terms.

 

Bingo! When you make yourself happy first, you will attract people to you like a magnet. Men and women alike want to be around people who are internally happy and satisfied with who they are. Confidence breeds success - in life and in love.

[sleeplessincnd]

Wow guys! Thanks for bringing this thread back to life!

 

I have been fighting all day with what to do when I go for coffee with the ex tonight. I can see that playing it cool and just enjoying our time together without bringing up feelings and loving him hard is what will work best.

 

My plan is to go out with him and then not contact him after we go out and have a good time. Make him realize what he is missing and then make him miss it!

 

He is also one of those "something isn't right" and "I just need some time" people. I know that he loves me, I can see it. Oh I hope this madness ends soon!

[loveisallaround]

Originally posted by sleeplessincnd

He is also one of those "something isn't right" and "I just need some time" people. I know that he loves me, I can see it. Oh I hope this madness ends soon!

 

So is mine!

 

I'm going out with him next week.

 

I'd love to have him back in my life - but hey, in the long run I don't give a rat's ass. My summer is gearing up to be the busiest of my life. With or without him.

[ConfusedInOC]

You have the treat the ex like a "new friend" and not the person you are still in love with. You have to remain calm and confident. Let them see the new you. Resist the urge to rush back into their arms.

 

Tough to do and takes a lot of self-discipline but if you put your mind to it, and prove to them are you confident and self-assured, they'll call you

 

One day I'll see my Ex again and I know she'll notice the change. But then I probably won't care

[sleeplessincnd]

Thanks for the tips.

 

This is my second breakup with the same guy - he's so hot and cold. But last time I got over him and then he came back (ok so I really wasn't over him but I stopped caring if he called).

 

This time I keep telling myself I am over him but I don't think it actually shows - I need to live it not just think it!

[too_risky]

I bought the "how to get your lover back" book and read it 4 times. I did everything wrong like the begging, pleading etc. The book talks about loving them back but how soon do you make contact? It's only been 3 weeks. He has also recently started dating someone. Do I wait for him to contact me? Do I send a card like the book said? Any advice?

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

You have the treat the ex like a "new friend" and not the person you are still in love with. You have to remain calm and confident. Let them see the new you. Resist the urge to rush back into their arms.

 

Any tips on how to do these things?

 

How do you treat the ex as a 'new friend'? And how do you go about showing off the new you?

 

I'm probably the needy-ish type, not too bad, but I can glimpse it.

 

Tough to do and takes a lot of self-discipline but if you put your mind to it, and prove to them are you confident and self-assured, they'll call you

 

Sure is tough...! I need to learn these tricks...

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

Hi Alphamale,

 

it is an honor for me to have you say this. I have been tracking the advice you give for some weeks now and I think your advice is always spot on.

 

I even took the liberty to apply some of the things you said to my own situation. Of course it would be even better if you could give me some direct advice, but I understand if you're busy spreading your wisdom on other theads.

 

Take care and keep on dishing out the goodies

 

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

Any tips on how to do these things?

 

How do you treat the ex as a 'new friend'? And how do you go about showing off the new you?

 

I'm probably the needy-ish type, not too bad, but I can glimpse it.

 

Read universe's thread on Love is Station, Not a Destination. It's all there.

 

Sure is tough...! I need to learn these tricks...

 

Not a trick of you are self-confident and self-assured, you love yourself and you repect yourself.

 

If I only knew then what I know now.....

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Read universe's thread on Love is Station, Not a Destination. It's all there.

 

Cheers! You don't have the link handy do you?

I did a search but it didn't come up....

[ryl]

whoa! i just had a breakup several months ago and a friend gave me this book. i haven't started reading it but now i'm kinda excited. i'll give time to reading as soon as i get home. thanks guys! wish me luck.

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

Cheers! You don't have the link handy do you?

I did a search but it didn't come up....

 

Oh - found it! Call off the search...

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

Oh - found it! Call off the search...

 

Ok good. Hopefully it helped clear some things up. I think that post should be pinned because the information is quite poignant to anyone looking to reconcile.

[digger]

The only thing i dont understand is the "love-takeaway"...any explainers??

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by digger

The only thing i dont understand is the "love-takeaway"...any explainers??

 

Coming within 30 minutes or your money back

 

"Takeaway" is a marketing term. You know, when you go register at a gym they give you the regular price, then it always turns out there's some special offer - January sale, groundhog day special, 9th wednesday after the boss's birthday, etc. So you have to register by the end of the week to get this special offer. Of course, there are other special offers - it's just an artificial deadline to push you to make a decision.

 

So I suppose a love-takeaway is when you say "hurry, before someone else snaps up this amazing deal".

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Coming within 30 minutes or your money back

 

"Takeaway" is a marketing term. You know, when you go register at a gym they give you the regular price, then it always turns out there's some special offer - January sale, groundhog day special, 9th wednesday after the boss's birthday, etc. So you have to register by the end of the week to get this special offer. Of course, there are other special offers - it's just an artificial deadline to push you to make a decision.

 

So I suppose a love-takeaway is when you say "hurry, before someone else snaps up this amazing deal".

 

The problem with that strategy is it DOES sound like too much of a sales pitch.

 

A smart, confident, self-assured s/o would never fall for that.

[Universe]

The only thing i dont understand is the "love-takeaway"...any explainers??

The Love Take-away is the most delicate and difficult part of the whole "How to Get Your Lover Back" strategy. The thing is, you have to look at this book for what it is. It's a $10 hundred page self-help book. I think the success of the book is based on how general it is. But the love take-away is a very specific type of method and is somewhat vague in the book. I labored extensively over this for a long time. I was constantly wrestling with the question of when to try to employ it and how. It's definitely the turning point in the book and its suggested strategy. But I think you can put too much emphasis on it. When you get into making yourself artificially unavailable, you start treading into dangerous waters. Don't get carried away with this type of thinking. At its source, it is manipulative and a sort of game. It's very easy for this strategy to take on the moral rationalization that the end justifies the means. Remember, you've just been dumped, you feel alone, and your emotions are erratic. Face it, you're prone to irrationality. So it's easy for people to rationalize any strategy for getting themselves un-dumped, un-alone, and back to emotional stability. But if you do this, you're doomed to fail in the end.

So I'd say the whole love take-away idea works best when it occurs naturally. And as it says in the book, it is not a threat and does not resemble a threat. You simply let the person know that you feel ready to get back together and that you're willing to wait for them to be ready, but that you're moving forward with your life. That's all that needs to be said. If you are honest when you tell them this, then it is likely that there will come a time when they want to hang out and you'll be legitimately unavailable. The theory is that this forces your ex to feel a tug that they have trouble resisting.

But in my observation in real life, it really depends on how ready your ex is to get back together. These things take time and patience. You have to give them time and give yourself time.

In my experience, the love take-away thing seemed to work to an extent. I think it helped her to decide to finally dump her rebound. But she still needed some time alone before jumping back into a relationship with me. I think being alone for a period is healthy for anyone going through any kind of breakup. Plus, despite how I may have felt at the time, I'm certainly better off for waiting that much longer. There are some very difficult issues that arise when your ex has been with someone else while you were apart.

My experience with the love take-away is a little corrupted. If you go by the book, your ex is supposed to be aware that you want them back as you occasionally hang out with them for a period. Then you remind them of it and that your will to wait. And then you basically start suggesting though action that you're may not wait for long. But for me, I made the mistake of being too strong and confident. On my initial attempt to reconcile is when I found out about her rebound. After that, I really did not make it clear at all that I still wanted her back. So she was under the impression that I actually just wanted to be friends despite the fact that we still loved each other and she was with someone else. This went on for over two months. So when I tried to start what in my mind was the love take-away, she was very much taken by surprise that I still wanted to get back together. She had been so thankful that I still wanted to be friends that it hadn't really occurred to her that I still wanted her back. So I had been trying to show her my love and win her back, but was too good at not leading her to think that was the case. After that I went on instituting the love take-away. I didn't contact her. We basically didn't talk about it again for a little over a month when we agreed that neither of us were fit for a relationship at the time (she had finally broke up with the other guy) though we both wanted to remain friends. That month where I waited for her was the hardest month to get through. I was like a racquet ball of extremes. Full on love for her to all out disgust and hate - confident self-love to pure self-hatred. It was grueling, but necessary. And as it turned out, our agreement to be just friends, was really an aggreement to start all over again. Since then we've very gradually moved closer and closer together step by step. We're not saying we're totally back together yet. But we agree that our goal is to create a successful lifelong relationship.

 

So to sum up, I think the love take-away will take effect in some form or another naturally as long as your ex knows you want them back (and they DO NOT need to be reminded with any frequency) and you are moving your life forward confidently and independently. To force it is a mistake. And do not expect it to be the deciding factor. If saving your relationship requires you to change, then the change has to be real and must be rooted in self-love.

[too_risky]

Universe,

 

I too have read the blaise harris book (over and over and over). My ex and I broke up back in April. We were in a 3 year relationship. He has been seeing a rebound since then. I caused the breakup by "indifference" as the book defines it. I took him for granted and he got sick of it and left me. I did the stupid stuff the book says not to do (I hadn't gotten the book before I made the fatal mistakes). I begged, pleaded, gave ultimatums. I even made promises and consessions that must have been an insult to him now that I've read the book. This only drove him further from me. We are long distance from eachother so that makes it that much harder. I finally left him alone and had absolutely no contact at all for the past 3 weeks. We had never went more than 12 days without talking to eachother. I know 3 weeks doesn't seem like much but it was an eternity to me. I've carefully tried to study the book. I wanted to re establish some sort of contact to let him know that I did love him. On Monday I sent him a package with stuff in it that was between "us". It was just silly little reminders that would make him smile and think of fun times together. I was trying to create pleasant moments. I also sent a letter with it that was joking and light. At the end I simply said that I loved him 100% unconditionally no matter what he did or what he choose. I got an email from him today saying that he received the things I sent. He laughed about it and thought it was sweet and cute. At the end of his email he said he will always love me.

 

Now, my question. Where do I go from here? I don't want to mess this up and say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. This is a very critical time and what I do can make or break it. I know he's with someone right now but I think it could just be a rebound relationship. This man adored me. He would have walked through fire for me. I made the mistakes and want to get him back. I just don't want to do the wrong thing.

 

I haven't written or replied back in any way yet. I didn't want to seem eager. I thought of sending an email next week sometime with just some small talk in it focusing on him and what's going on in his life and not saying anything about "me". I want to show him that I'm interested in him and how he is doing. I also wanted to tell him that I love him and would like a second chance with him someday.

 

Help. I need advice. What do you all think??? What do I do?? I don't wanna screw up again. I adore this man.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by too_risky

Help. I need advice. What do you all think??? What do I do?? I don't wanna screw up again. I adore this man.

 

Well, he's in a relationship now, where do you expect it to go? The only thing you can do now is WAIT....patiently, and see if his relationship ends.

 

Time.

Patience.

Wait.

 

That's all you can do.

[bewilderedandhurt]

I am so sad. I wish I had done all those things in that book early on when I read it. I firmly believe I would have had a chance with my ex. I look back now and when I was practicing some of that book he called me one night and left a message that he wanted to "bond" with me and talk to me about him not getting his promotion on the job. Prior to that call, I tired real hard to be his friend and he of course only wanted to be friends on his terms and called me all the time for his needs and when I called him would say he was busy.

 

So ... by the time he called for bonding I was so furious. I ignored his message and wrote him an email telling him off. the whole thing was:

 

He had broken up with me ... was mysterious about it ... said he wasn't with anyone, yet had an online pen pal to a woman in Asia (I found out) they are now engaged. The whole thing was so horrible to me my emotions kept running a muck. When he was more ready to be friendly I wasn’t. When I was, he wasn't...and then poof engaged to this woman from another country. He was willing to wait for her to get a Visa to this country to be with her but wouldn’t wait the few extra months I needed to be with him. OK, so when I told him I knew.

 

He told me we couldn't be friends. That she wouldn't like it. and he told me one day in a cold e-mail. "This was the last business contact needed.” After he acknowledged, he mailed me back my things. So I took that as he meant. "I am only talking to you to settle this business between us. This is my last message. (He did write this is my last message.) So when I got my things in the mail, I didn't call to thank him, because I didn't want him to think it was an attempt just to talk to him.

 

Do you guys think I should have thanked him? He had me walking on eggshells. I wanted to respect his wishes, yet I wanted to thank him. Yet, I didn’t want him to take it as an attempt for contact. He had me so crazy back then.

 

I was just tired of feeling like a doormat and everything on his terms. But I can be wrong too a lot ... So, now I wish I gave it more effort back then, but I was with a chronic illness and sick and tired. I was too drained to be able to give anymore. Then, after 2 months ... he instant messaged me online saying "OK, it’s good to know you're alive, that's a good thing."

 

This said after he blocked his name from my buddy list for nearly 1 year. I didn't know where he was coming from so I ignored him. Then I got another instant message 3 days later asking me if I still played a game we both used to play. (like Nintendo). It took me 24 hours to answer that Instant message and I emailed him and said, "Yes, I still play." Then I get an email from him saying, "So sorry I bother you." So now, I am thinking … what? So, I send him back an email saying, "No bother." He then removed his screen names again from my buddy list (he’s still engaged by the way) I just know that, from his profile. Anyway. I did read that book way back when and thought it was excellent. I was just such a wreck when I read it. I couldn't carry it all though, but I do believe if I did ... he might not have been with this woman today and with me and I missed out on that opportunity to “bond." Yes, I read the bitch book too. Both have merit and I believe you have to do both. Be a friend and give 110 percent, but give 110 percent to yourself too, as the "B" does. The key is … don’t get all emotional and know that there truly is a time and place for everything. What to say, how to say it. In the beginning ... distance, but not too far. Be a friend and then get more active yourself. I wonder why he contacted me this past week, and I don't know if I handled myself the right way. I wonder, should I have just replied to the IM right away and just said hi how are you … what a surprise! or acted like ... what is this, I thought you didn't want any contact … or did I do OK with what I said.

 

What does it all mean ... and why does it have to be this hard anyway? I think it’s like that other book ... He’s just not that into you … at least anymore. I have come to have a small library and rest my head on a Bible at the end of the night. (laughs).

 

So much energy expanded. Speechless and tired of it all … just more and more ready to move on (and thank God) because I am sick of holding on. Scared to completely let go, but realizing it’s a must.

 

[Universe]

Be patient with him and his rebound. Take this time to love yourself as the book says. Work out, read a few books, make some new friends, and date some new people. Try to take it easy. I know it feels like every word out of your mouth can make or break your chances. But it's really not like that so don't pressure yourself so much. Just make sure that every interaction with him is rooted in your love for him. And give extensive thought to what loving him really means. Make sure your truly empathizing with him and trying to understand his needs. Try to think about how he must feel now. I know it's hard. It's supposed to be. But with practice, it gets easier. If you keep at it, you can become a great lover whether it's with your ex or someone new. If you can figure out how to effectively love yourself, then you'll be able to figure out how to effectively love someone else.

Wait a few more days to contact him again.

 

How far away is he? What kind of long distance are we talking about?