Wife cheated while engaged

[drifter777]

Thanks, I was hoping at least one person would see that there can be some sense in sticking with it. I do forgive her, that isn't an easy thing to say this early on, but do want to stay with her and you cannot pretend to be someone for 18 years (that's when it happened), and our time after that event has been great.

 

I very well may have left her at the time, and then I wouldn't have my 2 kids, or my wife (Yes she messed up and lied I know) which I love with all my heart, and that for me is enough.

 

Thanks for all the advice but I think I will leave this thread for now.

Most fellow BH's that have read your story are stating the facts about a WW's behavior once an affair is exposed. We have seen many, many of these stories and can predict with some accuracy the likely scenario that is playing out.

 

First, all cheaters lie. Cheating wives lie about sex as in the number of times, the length of the affair and how long the contact with the AP lasted (or continues to last), the nature of the sexual acts they did with the OM, how exciting it was, and any other details that they believe you cannot verify. Note that some key admissions came only when she had reason to believe you already knew the truth about it. Accept the fact that she is lying to you and decide if you want the whole truth out of her. You will never get the whole truth but if you tell her how important it is and threaten to verify with OM she will tell you more.

 

Second, you have not forgiven her; that's impossible so soon after d-day. What you have done is accept that it happened and have dug in to the position that what she did - no matter how much it hurts - does not change the fact that you love her and your family. You have rejected the idea of this destroying your family. This is a common reaction for many BH's as is feeling destroyed and unable to function and/or just walking away from the marriage.

 

The frustration you have with many of the posters who are giving you advice like polygraph, DNA testing - everyone means well as these are options you might want to consider. In your case, you are dedicated to reconciling so those suggestions may seem extreme but as time passes in the process of healing they may be options that you need in order to heal and re-establish trust.

 

Your feelings count - don't just swallow them in order to maintain some level of peace and order in your life. It will only get worse as it festers in your heart and mind. My advice is simply to face the facts and start YOUR recovery right now. It will probably include IC and/or MC but the things you need will reveal themselves as you stay on course to get through this.

[BetrayedH]

Denial is the first stage of grief. You are in denial about the importance and severity of what's happened. You're scrambling to put your life back together. And you desperately hope that your wife is being truthful now. But hope is not a plan. It's ok. It's normal and I did the same thing. I also wrote long posts here about forgiveness.

 

8 months into our reconciliation (during which she cried incessantly, claiming that I knew everything and that she would never lie to me again) I discovered an graphic internet story that she wrote about her first encounter with the other man, which happened on my couch while my kids were asleep in the next room. This was after I discovered that the 17 hotels she visited wasn't accurate, nor was the "about 30." It was more like 60-70. How long were my wife and I together? 18 years. How many kids? Two.

 

Please come back here when this doesn't go like you expect.

[road]

Read my previous replies, who said she is expecting me to sweep it under the rug? I have threatened divorce form the beginning, and she said also she would do a polygraph on more than one occasion. She in no way has ever said "it was a long time ago" or "get over it" or made me feel I am over reacting. She knows it's not trivial, her first words after the full story came out were "this is going to destroy us isn't it?" She is truly devastated by this too, that much I know. I can see her crying in the middle of the night, I can see the hurt in her eyes, and some painful memories that she has buried so deep. Good some might say, but that's mean. Also how come I am second best? One thing I have learned is that forgiveness is the only way forward for this type of things or any other where someone is hurt by another. That doesn't mean forget, it means you come to terms with it and move on. She has remembered more details, nothing of consequence, but she told me. She even woke me up in the middle of the night and said I also remember xyz. These things were small things that were just details of the pub they were in. These are the things that make me think there still a future and a true sense of shame and remorse on her part, and also that she may actually have told me everything. Does anyone here have experience of a polygraph test that showed their wife actually told the truth? I would be interested to hear what the stats are on that.

 

People mess up, and lie to protect not just them but everything around them, that isn't hogwash. Have you even lied about anything, only to be found out and then come clean? If not then I think a polygraph is in order. This incident is a bad thing, the very worst thing in fact, but that doesn't change we have a long history together and both love each other very much so sometimes you have to accept it sucks and move on. It sounds like you want there to me more? I am getting the feeling that some advice is based on the need to punish make the cheater feel bad. If that means I don't have a pair then so be it. Running away is easy.

 

 

You are right it seems people come here only with the purpose to participate in the sport of WW bashing.

 

I encourage you to work on healing. Though I recommend that you get a poly to put all doubts that you have not gotten the whole story. It does not help recovery to keep getting trickled truth for the next couple of years.

[janedoe67]

I think polygraph is necessary. I also think that if you have doubts about your kids then DNA testing is an option. Of course, that means you need to decide whether or not you still plan to be their father if you do not shre DNA.

 

Honestly, I think that leving no stone unturned is a very good idea in this case. Here is why:

 

This happened so long ago and has been a secret for so long, one that - had you known - may well have changed the course of your life, it really does undermine everything. Getting these questions answered as best you can will make it most likely for you to be able to truly recover and reconcile. I say truly because a couple who simply stay married but the dubts continue to swirl are not recovered; they are just not divorced.

 

I would take time to process this, don't be in a rush to swallow your feelings, as someone said. Get the questions that CAN be answered answered. And then, if you decide that your love for your wife, her remorse and trnsparency, and your children and history together are enough to rebuild your marriage, then do it, and close your ears to rest.

 

That is what my H has chosen to do. That is, interestingly enough, why he has no desire to post on forums.

[drifter777]

BAHahahahaha!!!

 

To EVERYONE in this thread - you are all acting like his wife is the ONLY person to have NOT been caught cheating. She cheated 15 years ago. She wasn't caught. For some reason she slipped up now and told. Maybe the guilt was getting to her. Maybe she had forgotten about it and when he said he thought something happened she remembered, and her look gave her away.

 

Not every cheater has a DDay. Many get away with it for years and then stop, and they're never caught.

 

Why is THIS woman so heinous compared to other cheaters? Because she almost got away with it? There are so many cheaters that are never caught. She didn't do anything differently than someone that cheats for 8 months and is then caught by his/her spouse.

 

Broken, if you're still here - yes, it is very possible that she screwed up, was scared so she lied more, and now you have the truth. VERY possible. Is it possible there is more to the story? Sure, of course. But this 'cheaters never change' and the 'shock' some are displaying is crap

I agree with this and she is certainly no "worse" a cheater than the others. The thing that is different than most cases is all the time that has passed before d-day. I think this can make it more difficult for the marriage to heal for so many reasons. Most of us think it starts with the WW showing transparency and giving her BH all of the information he wants to know. It's clear that Broken wants to reconcile so she's going to get every opportunity to prove her remorse and dedication to repairing the damage she has done. Coming clean is more of a step toward healing than a risk that BH will be more upset and want to end things.

[BetrayedH]

BAHahahahaha!!!

 

To EVERYONE in this thread - you are all acting like his wife is the ONLY person to have NOT been caught cheating. She cheated 15 years ago. She wasn't caught. For some reason she slipped up now and told. Maybe the guilt was getting to her. Maybe she had forgotten about it and when he said he thought something happened she remembered, and her look gave her away.

 

Not every cheater has a DDay. Many get away with it for years and then stop, and they're never caught.

 

Why is THIS woman so heinous compared to other cheaters? Because she almost got away with it? There are so many cheaters that are never caught. She didn't do anything differently than someone that cheats for 8 months and is then caught by his/her spouse.

 

Broken, if you're still here - yes, it is very possible that she screwed up, was scared so she lied more, and now you have the truth. VERY possible. Is it possible there is more to the story? Sure, of course. But this 'cheaters never change' and the 'shock' some are displaying is crap

 

I agree that she's no 'worse.' But what makes you think she's 'changed?'

 

As Jane indicated, sweeping an affair under the rug is no way to reconcile. Transarency works because when he investigates and finds nothing, they both win.

[BetrayedH]

The oP stated that his wife has not been rug sweeping. You do know though, that it isn't always the WS who wants to rug sweep?

 

Oh, I get it. It's the OP who wants to rugsweep. He said his WW volunteered to do a poly. He should let her.

[troubadour]

 

Why is THIS woman so heinous compared to other cheaters? Because she almost got away with it? There are so many cheaters that are never caught. She didn't do anything differently than someone that cheats for 8 months and is then caught by his/her spouse.

 

 

 

This is something I am struggling with understanding too.... why is she different?

 

A few days ago, in another "cheating wife" thread, posters of this forum were getting orgasmic talking how remorseful the OP, Sophie, is and how she deserves to get another chance from her husband. Since they like her, it didn't matter to them that Sophie was emotionally mature, thirty-something mother of two when she decided to have some fun with her friend's husband.

 

Broken_1323's wife was only 19 when she had her affair. She was still at the stage of her life when she was trying to learn how to be adult. But the posters here don't like her and it makes all the difference.

 

Sophie got caught, otherwise she would still be screwing her OM on business trips, and never had any intention of confessing her affair to her husband. But all this doesn't matter because the posters like her and for this reason she deserves to get another chance from her husband. Who knows.... she may even be a current incarnation of Mary Magdalene.

 

Broken_1323's wife was a good wife and mother for 15 years but all this doesn't really matter because the posters here don't like her. They don't even know why.... but they just don't like her and for this reason she is lying, cheating whore and the OP should divorce her.

 

Threads like this one illustrate how worthless Internet advice can be.

[Jonah]

You love her, you forgive her. Just know that the ghosts will haunt you so you have to be ready for that and understand what is happening to you as soon as you feel it. Because if you do recognition it before it gets you spun up, then you can acknowledge it and let it go. Yes that initial twinge does hurt... the idea is to break the cycle of thoughts before your ego starts its self righteous feeding that will cause you unnecessary pain and has the potential to cause you to loose your forgiveness and say hurtful things.

 

Form plans with your wife that you can signal her that you are hurting so she can help you. You are lucky that you already have a tight bond so will be able to team up fairly easily. I applaud your manhood and your steadfastness. No one is perfect.

[road]

BAHahahahaha!!!

 

To EVERYONE in this thread - you are all acting like his wife is the ONLY person to have NOT been caught cheating.

 

 

BAWAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA back at you I don't not see anyone acting like that here.

[theothersully]

Do the poly she offered to do to see if there are any more skeletons. You take one with her.

 

Then, you can both have clean slates.

 

Look, most people don't even get married at such an early age because they need to try out a variety as an adult and find out what they like. You should count yourself as lucky that you have a great marriage. Don't wreck it over something so trivial. It was a long, long time ago. She needed to explore. Her other option was to call off your wedding. Which would you have preferred?

[road]

BAHahahahaha!!!

 

To EVERYONE in this thread - you are all acting like his wife is the ONLY person to have NOT been caught cheating.

 

 

This is what I responded to. You want to debate that fine. But don't you take what I said and apply it to something I was not quoting.

[road]

Really? There are numerous people saying what a liar she is and how she has probably been cheating the entire marriage and blah blah blah. If you don't see that then you are intentionally ignoring it. And no, I"m not going to buy Dr. Harley's book to figure out why I see something you don't. Thanks anyway.

 

 

How can janedoe like this. There is no fact to like. There is no evidence to prove she has been having an affair for 15 years. There are no red flags pointing any hint that that is the truth.

 

Read, comprehend, then respond.

[janedoe67]

The reason I "liked" it is because she is right. There ARE several posters here who - because she cheated when she was 19 and didn't tell him - have stated that she probably had lots of affairs, has probably cheated while they were married, and have even suggested that his kids are not his.

 

I get that there are triggers for some people, but starting to question kids' paternity and trying to guess how many A's she's probably had since they married because of something that happened BEFORE they married (which, BTW, Dr. Harley would not even consider an A so SAA wouldn't help) is just ridiculous.

 

That is one reason I said he should just do the poly and DNA and afterthing else. Number 1 - he will know then. Number 2 - he can come back here and say, NO, she isn't a lifetime philanderer, my kids ARE my kids, so shut up

 

Of course, then we will bring in the whole "poly's aren't reliable" argument because what it boils down to is that some people thrive on this stuff.

[BetrayedH]

Trust but verify is standard advice and the same advice I would give Sofie's husband.

 

Other than those who confess, just about 100% trickle-truth (including the OP's wife).

 

I'm all for reconciliation but the poly is just a smart idea.

[BetrayedH]

The reason I "liked" it is because she is right. There ARE several posters here who - because she cheated when she was 19 and didn't tell him - have stated that she probably had lots of affairs, has probably cheated while they were married, and have even suggested that his kids are not his.

 

I get that there are triggers for some people, but starting to question kids' paternity and trying to guess how many A's she's probably had since they married because of something that happened BEFORE they married (which, BTW, Dr. Harley would not even consider an A so SAA wouldn't help) is just ridiculous.

 

That is one reason I said he should just do the poly and DNA and afterthing else. Number 1 - he will know then. Number 2 - he can come back here and say, NO, she isn't a lifetime philanderer, my kids ARE my kids, so shut up

 

Of course, then we will bring in the whole "poly's aren't reliable" argument because what it boils down to is that some people thrive on this stuff.

 

The sad reality is that his kids might not be his. I've seen statistics indicating that more than 10% of children are unknowingly being raised by a no-biological father. That's done by wayward women who can lie for decades. And as a BH, I've lived through the nightmare of wondering. Did I want to question my children's paternity because I thrive on it? I don't think so. This kind of crap is a reality that has been thrust unwillingly on the OP. But the "forgive and forget" strategy fails because the BS hasn't confirmed what it is that he's really forgiving. It may plague him for decades. One poster is still here 20+ years after his wife's affair because he stuffed it down. He didn't forget. Nor was he able to forgive.

[drifter777]

You love her, you forgive her. Just know that the ghosts will haunt you so you have to be ready for that and understand what is happening to you as soon as you feel it. Because if you do recognition it before it gets you spun up, then you can acknowledge it and let it go. Yes that initial twinge does hurt... the idea is to break the cycle of thoughts before your ego starts its self righteous feeding that will cause you unnecessary pain and has the potential to cause you to loose your forgiveness and say hurtful things.

 

Form plans with your wife that you can signal her that you are hurting so she can help you. You are lucky that you already have a tight bond so will be able to team up fairly easily. I applaud your manhood and your steadfastness. No one is perfect.

OP: this is the kind of advice that you should listen to if you want to just grin and bear it and hope that "time heals all wounds". Maybe it could work for you but it's potentially dangerous down the road. Swallowing your emotions is rarely a good way to deal with something like infidelity.