I threw away my future

[AlteredStarrling]

So...out of curiosity...why did you cheat?

It all started when he wasn't available all the time as his workplace demanded double shifts, we had a couple of arguments lately, my past issues regarding my early years (certain memories I tried blocking) and sickness in my family. If you combine all that, I was in such a horrible mindset but it still doesn't excuse what I did to him. In the end it's all about being selfish and only thinking about yourself in that moment. I have no excuse.

What made you respond to this other guy's advances?

I was escaping from reality in that moment and it starting to become an addiction.

When you were doing all this didn't it occur to you it was wrong?

I was feeling guilty afterward but also fighting with the guilt. I was in a total mess.

Would you have confessed had you not been caught?

My mind wasn't even thinking logically by then. I don't know if I would have. Edited October 12, 2013 by AlteredStarrling

[aliveagain]

If I am in a relationship that has the potential of becoming serious I always ask. The worst thing you could do if asked is lie. Have you put yourself into counseling? You need to find out why you allowed yourself the approval to cheat, why you felt entitled? Was it a one time thing, did it happen for a period of time, was it with a friend of his, did he walk in on you? If he walked in on you in the middle of the act the chances of him forgiving you are zero to none, you never get those images out of your mind. Get help so this never happens again.

 

This is my earlier post to you, the why is very important because if your willing to cheat on someone your engaged to, if you don't get to the root cause, you'll cheat on someone your married to. You said it happened twice but there had to be a lead time that you perused him or he perused you, most woman I have known need something meaningful before they allow sex to happen. Were you in a relationship with other man? Did your friend facilitate your affair because they worked with him? If you avoid my "he walked in on you in the middle of the act" comment here, how will you ever honestly deal with it in a future relationship? I will never meet you and your affair will never effect me or my future, just trying to give you a betrayed spouse's point of view, you need to be honest with the people here if you really want their help. Some will jump all over you because they feel your ex fiancés pain and humiliation, they can feel the hit his manhood took from your infidelity. Take what information you find beneficial to your situation and use it to help you both get through this let the rest of it slide.

 

Most never expect to get caught but they always do one way or another because you know what you did and in the end you cheated yourself, your family, his family, and all of your friends. Infidelity hurts more than the three in the triangle, it hurts everyone that loves you. Your first step is to get help so you never make the same mistake, your ex will see this as a positive step and a true sign of remorse. Don't miss your next appointment, be truthful.

[AlteredStarrling]

Being remorseful really doesn't mean much to most guys.

I know but just wanted for him to know I take full blame for the cheating and I feel his hurt.

[aliveagain]

Issues, stupidity, selfishness, etc.

 

One way I can describe what happened during this destructive path that led to losing him is: you decide to temporarily shut down your brain and continue to carry on (though you do feel very guilty afterward, you're also fighting with a part of you that say ''Ignorance is bliss, what they don't know won't hurt them''). You know it's wrong but you become too much involved in it that it becomes an addiction and you don't stop until it's too late. Reality finally wakes you up and you realized what you lost.

 

 

This is called compartmentalization, you put your real life in a little safe box while you chase the fantasy. You learned to do this while you were young and suffering through your abuse( unconscious psychological mechanism used to avoid mental discomfort caused by a person having conflicting values or beliefs). You knew what you were doing was wrong and it caused you conflict. You need to deal with your FOO(family of origin) issues or no future relationship will work. Your self destructing.

[AlteredStarrling]

aliveagain you're very insightful. It's like you seem to know slightly more than what I've posted and I have never been to this site before nor on any online forum. I'm impressed.

[aliveagain]

I am no different than your fiancé, I just had a different AlteredStarrling. Once you live the experience you look for material to help you understand why this happened to you. You never want to go through that kind of pain again. Your ex needs to understand that your affair had nothing to do with him, it was all about you, how you cope with things and how you associate sex with wanting people to like you. The affair is about what's broken inside of you, why you need validation from other men when you had such an amazing man at home. This is why understanding your root cause is so important so you can change the way you cope with future issues. You need to start to love yourself again, forgive yourself and in time you will get forgiveness from others. Coming here is a good start.

[Editbee]

I just don't understand it. Many of us nowadays don't get proposed anymore and society has practically become a 4 yrs+ cohabitation village. I'm still single because not too many men care about settling down anymore. I've never cheated on a man but have had an ex bf cheat on me once. I can guarantee I'll be faithful to that one man that proposes to me. I'm having bad luck and there are times I find myself questioning what on earth I'm doing wrong, why doesn't any man care to fully commit to me?

 

The OP apparently had everything. Why did she purposely threw all that out the window knowing it would not only seriously hurt her fiance but everyone else too? That guy wanted to settle down with her, he clearly loved her. And she said Screw that to that opportunity by cheating??

 

I would seriously trade my luck for the OP's ex fiance. I'm looking for a man like that. Now I would assume he is beyond devastated, is probably developing distrust and might not even propose again to another woman; if so it'll probably take more time for him to open himself again.

Edited October 12, 2013 by Editbee

[Editbee]

And the way that you're avoiding the how, who, what and where with us kind of gives me the impression that he found out in a pretty bad way. Such as walking in on you...

Oh brother if this really happened then my heart goes out to that poor fiance; he lost his love of his life in a bad way.

 

I don't think any living human being (man or woman) can work that out as it's already bad enough to get cheated on. An ex bf did that same thing to me too but since I didn't love him that much, it was easier from me to quickly get over him. However, if he would have been my fiance and I walk in on that, then I would probably be seeking revenge against both him and the girl (if she knew about his status).

[Criticality]

I can guarantee I'll be faithful to that one man that proposes to me. I'm having bad luck and there are times I find myself questioning what on earth I'm doing wrong, why doesn't any man care to fully commit to me?

 

Lots of men care about settling down, but you're probably scaring them away, if you come across as equally desperate, commitment hounding and jealous in real life, as you do in that post.

 

You sound like you'll pretty much take any man who's willing to propose in the first six months. Men want women to be in love with them. Not see them as a means to an end: Marriage.

 

A fiancé or a marriage isn't some kind of price that god grants you on the basis of your ability to stay faithful. Actually you seem to have the whole thing backwards: The ability to stay faithful is far from the most important ability or skill you bring into the marriage, heck, it's probably one of the least important, compared to honesty, kindness, communication, compromise and the ability to forgive, if you want a marriage that can last decades.

[Editbee]

Criticality I don't mean to sound desperate and no, I wouldn't just accept any man in my life either. If a random man I don't even know nor ever spoken to came up to me and suddenly proposed, that would be creepy.

 

I'm referring to a committed relationship that takes it to the next level, just like the OP's.

 

There are certain women that don't deserve to be engaged and still get proposed to. I've seen that happened; some of them are the jealous types that constantly snoops around his stuff, the bossy types or women with issues like the OP.

 

However, I've seen some of my good friends who are great gfs, faithful, loyal, aren't jealous types nor bossy, are nurturing and the almost perfect girl they're looking for don't even get one bit close to getting proposed. What's wrong with this picture??

 

As someone else posted this:

Marriage in modern society lol.

 

Cohabitation is the new way, deal with that!

If that's true then I'm losing hope and would rather be single than deal with that. Edited October 12, 2013 by Editbee

[James-London]

My ex cheated on me due to her childhood issues and because I was too busy with my own problems and she felt lonely. I think there were self-esteem issues too. It all sounds very similar to OP's story. Perhaps OP could say something more about her motivations and what made her do it? That would be helpful.

[AlteredStarrling]

aliveagain, yes I was persued the first time but then I started to also seek for his comfort. The second it was me persuing him. I was feeling depressed one day and my friend invited to me to a hang-out and that's how I met her guy friend R. They started talking since that day and exchanged numbers. I felt he understood me and all my problems. On the 1st month of hanging out with him, it started becoming more intense and that's when I started cheating. R comes from divorced parents and in a way, I felt I could relate to him. If I had an argument with my finace, I would turn to R and spend time with him; if not in person than by talking on the phone or online with our cams.

My friend kind of had an idea that something was going on between us but didn't think I would cheat. She did tried to warn me not to cheat because everything is discover in the end and said that if anything, she would stay out of it and that's what exactly happened.

Most never expect to get caught but they always do one way or another because you know what you did and in the end you cheated yourself, your family, his family, and all of your friends.

I did. Everyone close to me is disappointed in me. Though my father didn't really seemed too shocked. He had to once answer the phone and make an excuse about my wheareabout the first time I cheated.

[AlteredStarrling]

The OP apparently had everything. Why did she purposely threw all that out the window knowing it would not only seriously hurt her fiance but everyone else too? That guy wanted to settle down with her, he clearly loved her. And she said Screw that to that opportunity by cheating??

Yes Editbee I had it all. I did the most stupidest thing ever in my life and regret it. I can't go back. I just hope he will one day recover and someone else makes him happy again.

I would seriously trade my luck for the OP's ex fiance. I'm looking for a man like that. Now I would assume he is beyond devastated, is probably developing distrust and might not even propose again to another woman; if so it'll probably take more time for him to open himself again.

Don't feel sad. I'm sure they will appreciate you. They are still those men out there but it just takes some time. Try not to focus on marriage being your own goal and you have him. It's really not hard. Just continue being faith and honest; better than what I was.

[thishatteredsymphony]

AlteredStarrling, I don't hold any judgment toward you. You obviously know what you did was wrong, and it seems you realize what you had with your ex was truly special.

 

Reading this thread makes me a bit sad. My ex cheated on me, but the fact is she also fell in love with the man she cheated on me with, so ultimately she dumped me for him. She no longer saw a future with me and felt he was a better match for me. Though she's supposedly sorry for what she did to me and regrets how she ended things with me, she's made it clear she's not sorry she picked the other guy because he's a better fit for her.

 

I can tell this experience has traumatized you. I already know it's far worse for your ex than it is for you, but it's clear you've realized what you had was truly wonderful and you gave it up. That being said, I wish both your ex AND you the best.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't like the 'you don't have to bring it up, but if you're asked don't lie' school of thought... I'd be on tenterhooks the entire relationship just in case the guy happened to ask. I'd rather disclose difficult issues like that early in the relationship so that if it's too much for the other person to handle neither of us have gotten too invested. But you obviously wouldn't do it straight away either, because it would be a massive turn off and come across pretty crazy!

 

Earlier on this year I made one of the stupidest mistakes of my life and was involved with a guy who had a partner, it lasted four months. I would never go there again, I've never cheated on anybody, it was an awful thing to do. With my new bf (been together four months now ourselves) I told him about it within the first month because I felt like he had the right to decide whether he could get involved with somebody that had been involved in someone else's affair in the past. It was a weight off my chest and brought us closer together, sharing tough things that we're not proud of.

 

That's just me though. I don't think you particularly 'owe' anybody your entire life history but personally I'd want to know whether a new partner had cheated on any of their exes before.

[AlteredStarrling]

I would like to say thank you all for replying and asking what happened. To be honest, when I started this thread I was prepared to receive labels and get the ''Well if you loved him so much, you wouldn't have cheated on him'' thrown on me. Before I posted this, I was reading a couple stories over here on those that got cheated and I caught some strong negative feelings said about cheater so I wasn't really sure if it was worth telling my story; a cheater's version of it. Instead, I'm noticing some of you want to know my story and what happened; actually about 3-4 of you already figured it out esp aliveagain and Chi_town_D so I have decided that I'll say the completed version of it. During counseling, I'll have to say the truth too and say the whole version so I might as well share it here too.

My ex cheated on me due to her childhood issues and because I was too busy with my own problems and she felt lonely. I think there were self-esteem issues too. It all sounds very similar to OP's story. Perhaps OP could say something more about her motivations and what made her do it? That would be helpful.

I'm sorry to hear about that. Yes, I would like to add more. It's regarding my past, all the way to when I cheated, him finding out but not saying anything right away and finding out he knew about it and was waiting to break it off. I would like to add my ex fiance (I'll call him L) isn't the type to quickly confront you if he knows something bad you did. He tends to wait until he's calmer and will then confront you about it but first tries to let you figure it out.

 

Early issue regarding abusive mother

Right now I'm heading all the way back towards 1994 (my then 7 year-old self) hearing their arguments and my mother getting physically aggressive again. My father was never the type of man to hit a woman or child; he stood there and would cover himself or hold her till she stopped; one time I saw my mother kicking him in the groin and he was in pain. It happened mainly in while drunken moments (yes, she was an alcoholic) and sometimes she would take it out on both my younger brother and me, chasing us while our father wouldn't do too much except try to talk her out of it. This lasted until I was 12 and she stopped suddenly but sometimes she can still be sarcastic and put you down. Though she did apologized for the physical abuse, she can at times be verbally mean esp if you do something wrong and will keep going on till the next day. Though I don't hate her, she isn't the person I respect the most. I would cry more if something happen to my father than to her. I never told anyone this. I told L about my past issues, being abused and bullied but didn't really specified it as I'm doing now. Till this day everyone thinks my parents are the perfect couple and compliment on what a caring and sweet woman my mother is.

 

Early issue regarding my classmates at school

I was constantly being harassed at school and this lasted all the way till junior high. They would cornered for a long time calling my name out and other things, two of the girls tripped me and called me ugly and how I wouldn't need any mask, got my lunch box stolen several times, the girls would followed me in the bathroom and teased me there too, invented things about me and sometimes threw dirt on the way out. The worst was the comment those girls made about how the world would be better without me and why don't I die already. The only good news is I moved to a different high school and didn't see any of my bullies there. It was better in HS and slowly started forgetting about those horrible years. I never received any apology from them and don't really care. I never really found out why they hated me so much. I was quiet and shy back then but that was no reason.

 

My cousin who molested me

It happened during the summer of 2000, in which I was left with my other relatives and my cousin P. He was 4 years older than me. Whenever we were left alone, he would put his hands on me. I freaked out at first and asked what the hell was he doing. He would said it's what cousins do and how I would not be believed if I told anyone. He would fingered me at times and restrained me from getting away. One time it got too far and I really got scared. I was sleeping and suddenly felt someone touching me and it was him. he started reaching towards me kept saying let's do it, this is what you want. I screamed loudly and woke up my aunt. He made up an excuse on how I had a nightmare and he got worried and checked up on me. I never wanted to go back there ever since.

 

Fast-forward to issues within my relationship

I had several relationships before I met L. I didn't cheat on neither of them but the relationship would be over within about 3-6 months and usually I was the dumper. None of them would satisfied me at some point and I always felt there was something missing (I never had any issue of men not wanting a serious relationship nor commitment, the problem was me who didn't want to at the time). I would break up and within a couple weeks later started dating someone else. I met L in 2009 and he was the only man that I lasted the longest and really wanted a life with him. We moved in by mid November of 2011 and he proposed to me towards the ending of December of 2012. I was filled with joy in that moment and everyone was happy for me, even my mother. She said I'm so proud of you, the only time I've ever heard her told me something nice and being happy for me. Things were great until several arguments over bills, his double shifts, the organization of the wedding (my parents were the ones to pick the place and we didn't have a say to it) and too many guest invited that we don't know very well. I started feeling depressed sometime in May of this year and spoke to my female friend Kristy about our current issues. Near the end of that month she invited me to a girls night out and I met R (my short-term affair partner). I first cheated on July and we went somewhere else. I had a couple of missed calls from L and he called my father. My father told him, I was out with friends from work and elaborated the alibi. I felt guilty but as aliveagain mentioned it, compartmentalization took place and I kept seeking R for comfort, continuing living in my fantasy and shutting down my life with L. I never stopped loving L but my affair started growing into an addition. L was kind of suspicious after the first time and noticed I've been a bit different but still trusted me, didn't think I cheated. The second time, which was last month is when he found out (as another poster said, I played with fire and got burned; I was stuck in my little world that I wasn't too secretive this time; in fact I made it obvious but as aliveagain said on his previous post I wasn't thinking of the day he would find out). However, he didn't confronted me right away but actually played it out. I noticed that suddenly he wasn't calling me and was wondering what happened. I really started freaking out and thought he had a terrible accident or something. A couple days later was when he came back but was different this time. I noticed it and by then I knew it that he knew. If there is anything that hurt me so much is seeing him in pain and the complete disappointment look on him. He didn't vent out on me and let me talk; we spoke for some time but it was still over.

Edited October 14, 2013 by AlteredStarrling

[AlteredStarrling]

I can tell this experience has traumatized you. I already know it's far worse for your ex than it is for you, but it's clear you've realized what you had was truly wonderful and you gave it up. That being said, I wish both your ex AND you the best.

Yes it has impacted him deeply. It wouldn't work out if he were to work it out because he would have to live with what I did for life and nothing would ever be the same. I've become tainted in his mind. He had trouble even talking to me that day and I could tell he was trying so hard to not get upset.

[lollipopspot]

Sure it was bad, but look, you didn't kill anyone. It's not the worst thing anyone's ever done. There are no children involved, and all the adults can recover from this. I have the sense that you're going to be punishing yourself for this for a very long time. At some point you ought best to just acknowledge that you screwed up, learn from it, forgive yourself, and move on. Maybe that day isn't today, but it shouldn't be years from now, for your own mental health.

[AlteredStarrling]

At some point you ought best to just acknowledge that you screwed up, learn from it, forgive yourself, and move on. Maybe that day isn't today, but it shouldn't be years from now, for your own mental health.

Thank you lollipopspot and you're right today isn't the day. It's only been one month since he broke off the engagement and our relationship overall and it feels like it just happened yesterday. I missed him so much but will have to get used to starting over again with someone else at some point.

 

It would be cool if he knew all this I've said here but we're on NC. I will move on eventually but will take me a while to get over L hurting because of me.

[drifter777]

I know but just wanted for him to know I take full blame for the cheating and I feel his hurt.

Believe me, he knows it's your fault and he's already attached all of the blame to you. You only want to contact him in order to find out where you stand. Stop trying and stop all of this drama. Stop posting here for the sake of keeping the drama alive. You aren't going to see any real new advice and all this does is keep your hopes alive. Let go and move on.

[Editbee]

It's only been one month since he broke off the engagement and our relationship overall and it feels like it just happened yesterday.

Umm I could have sworn there was a guy that also broke up last month because the girl did the same thing you did. I've been over here for a while now that maybe I'm confusing the stories; I don't even know what I'm reading anymore. Too many to keep in track with but I come here because I've been once cheated on so I can somewhat relate how your ex fiance felt when he caught you. I say somewhat because I wasn't too much in love with my former cheater.

 

Either way, most cheaters have one thing in common: the cheater isn't feeling it until he/she gets busted and then suddenly ''misses'' their partner, wants to desperately work things out or know where they stand. That's when they finally see what they lost and keep on saying how much of a great man/woman they had. Why does it take them cheating, getting caught and a permanent break-up to get them to snap out of it and see the hurt they caused? I don't doubt the OP is remorseful but how long would this have kept going on if her fiance were to have never discovered it?

I missed him so much but will have to get used to starting over again with someone else at some point.

Don't you have anything else to do than keep longing for a friendship with the man you hurt? BTW I doubt you just want a friendship. You want him back and are trying to find ways of persuading him, which I find unfair. Let him be and if he wants your friendship, he'll contact you. You already had your chance and blew it. Most people don't take back someone that cheats, much less if the cheater had to be caught.

[AlteredStarrling]

Believe me, he knows it's your fault and he's already attached all of the blame to you. You only want to contact him in order to find out where you stand.

I'm really not trying to convince him to take me back and haven't called him since he found out. I know I don't deserve him. All I was saying is if we get to one talk as friends, I'll be fine with just that. I won't ask for anything else.

 

BTW I'm not going to call him. That's really up to him. I agree with the last poster. I messed up everything.

[AlteredStarrling]

Umm I could have sworn there was a guy that also broke up last month because the girl did the same thing you did. I've been over here for a while now that maybe I'm confusing the stories; I don't even know what I'm reading anymore.

Wow that's a coincidence. Now you got me wondering.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

It wasn't worth it. I screwed up. I wish I would take it all back.

 

 

I know that you are remorseful and feel bad for what you did, but all the while you were getting involved with the OM, there were warning signs at every turn. You had to see them and you disregarded them. Then came the biggie when you decided to have sex with the OM. There was a huge warning sign in front of you and it said, "WARNING! DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE BECAUSE IF YOU DO, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK!!" You had to know that after all the fireworks in bed with this guy had died down that there was that thing running through your head that said, "My God. What have I just done." But where the real kicker is, you went back for a second time even though you knew that it was the wrong thing to do.

 

Now you can explain that what you did to your fiancé that it was a huge mistake on your part, but what you don't understand is how do you look the man in the eye and explain the second time? Rest assure, the question would be asked by him. I think anyone would ask. What that tells him is that you really didn't care like you said you do by going back for more. The first time was a mistake, but the second time was deliberate. That will be the biggest mountain for him to climb.

[samsungxoxo]

Umm I could have sworn there was a guy that also broke up last month because the girl did the same thing you did.

I was about to say that too. Sometimes I have good memories of some threads here and one thing I recalled is the guy (whoever he was) found out about his fiancee cheating in a very bad way, that he couldn't even speak to her right away nor look at her and came back days later. In addition his reaction was similar to what the OP is describing her ex fiance; calmed and self-restrained, not showing anger towards her and the girl cheated twice when he asked her how many times it happened.

 

So guys are we now getting that guy's ex fiancee's incomplete version???? Or is the OP just another girl who cheated on her fiance, even though some things she's saying seem to matched what that guy said sometime ago.

 

The only difference is what the guy wrote seem to have a more complete version explaining what happened while the OP has been accommodating the story and avoiding certain details pertaining to how her fiance found out about it.