I think I made a big mistake...

[emz23]

A bit of background... We met online 11 months ago. Him 30, me 27 (Female).

Things went really well and even though we both had busy lives we got on great. We did so much cool stuff together. He is a climber and we talked about going (although I was too chicken I did go and watch!), we went walking, went to water parks, cinema, lakes, mountains, bars and lovely restaurants. Everything was exciting and great.

I went on holiday and when I came back things just felt different. We met and went canoeing up a river. He seemed really distant and not himself. He was usually really funny and always cracking jokes and winding me up but we met and he was kind of a little uptight. He was usually really passionate and despite him hugging and kissing me the same, he didn't ask me to stay over with him like he usually did.

So a couple days later we got talking and he said he was worried as he has a great opportunity for a new job....but it would involve our relationship becoming long distance and I tell him i can't do this due to how busy I am. He says he can't turn down this job if he gets offered it and he seems upset but says he understands. He always did understand and was just generally so lovely to me but I took this as a bit uncaring.

So I got home and cried all night and came to the decision that I didn't like him enough for a distance relationship. I came to the conclusion that this meant that I didn't like him enough in general. I also think of how distant he was with me the previous time we met and how he could have told me that time rather than just being distant. Next day I told him it was over. He said I would never find anyone who would make me happy if I just ran away as soon as things got a little difficult. He said I should reconsider and at least give it a try but I had made my mind up. He hugged me and wished me all the best and then I left and cried more at home.

 

This was about 3 months ago. In the first month he text me a couple times. I was really confused as I still wasn't sure if breaking up with him was the right thing to do but I wanted to stick to it and not mess him around. The first text just asked how I was getting on. I replied that I was ok and hoped he was ok too. He text back saying how great he was doing and how he was loving his new job and making loads of new friends. I didn't reply as it upset me how quickly he moved on from me... I know I shouldn't be upset as I finished with him but I took this hard. I saw on his Facebook pictures of him out having fun with people, of his climbing, of him skydiving(!) and he just looked so happy. It hurt me and I blocked his feed but still checked him out sometimes. A couple weeks later he text again to say he was visiting for the weekend and asked would I fancy meeting up. I didn't reply as I really was confused about how I'd feel about seeing him again (I didn't trust myself as I didn't want my feelings to confuse him when he seemed to be doing well). Another couple weeks later he text me again saying he had been offered an even better job and would be moving back to our home town. Again I didn't reply as I just didn't know what to say.

So now another 6 weeks have passed and I haven't heard from him again. I know he moved back as I saw his Facebook and recognized a few places he'd been out too. We don't really have any mutual friends so I don't see him around. I'm really wondering about my decision. He was great; funny, intelligent, handsome, athletic, adventurous, successful, well traveled and really sweet and caring. I've met nobody like him since. I have been on first dates with a couple guys from online but they are not even a patch on him and neither went further. I see he has kept his online profile deleted (does this mean anything?)

 

My Questions:

Maybe his distant attitude really was down to the job? Did he really take moving away that smoothly or was he just acting cool? Does the fact I wouldn't enter a long distance relationship show that I didn't like him enough?

 

What do I do now? Should I contact him and tell him I'm reconsidering my decision? He seemed really happy the last time I heard from him so should I just leave him to his new life? Have I already ruined everything by not replying to his attempts to contact me? I don't know if he is seeing anyone else but someone like him won't take long to have plenty of offers! Have I made the biggest mistake of my life?

 

thanks for advice x

[I-Love-Liberty]

Just do it. Up to 6 weeks ago he was still trying to talk to you, obviously he is/was still interested. You didn't have a bad breakup. He's back now and it seems you still like him. I would do it. If he's not interested anymore then whatev, but you're never gonna know if you don't try. And as for him being distant that one day, maybe he just had a lot on his mind. I've been accused of that before and I wasn't intending to come off as aloof or distant, sometimes it just happens cause you're thinking a lot.

[emz23]

Thank You. This is what I was thinking from my point of view as I definitely still feel something for him so from my point of view I think I want to. I don't want to be unfair to him though. He seems really happy and is doing so well. I don't want to impact on that. He also hasn't reactivated his online dating account so does that mean he is seeing someone else? If he is then I don't think it would be fair of me to show up.

 

I also don't think it would be fair in this case as all I can offer is to pick up where we left off. We weren't at an "I love you stage", we were at a having fun and feelings growing stage. I don't think I can offer him love at the moment...although I think it is very possible in time.

 

This is partly where debate comes in. I always thought his feelings were stronger than mine.... Well until I broke up with him anyway....then he was stoney faced and over me in a shot!! Des the fcat that he was happy to try a distance relationship and I wasn't show that he feels more for me?

 

There is confusion on my part too. I just don't know just how much I like him. I really, really miss him and I want to see him so bad and see if my feelings grow the way I think they will... but is this fair to him?

 

Also on some level I'm scared he will flat out reject me or blank me as I haven't messaged him now in 10 weeks and have ignored his last 2 attempts at reaching out to me. In the 3 months since we split he probably has a line of girls around 2 blocks by now. Maybe he hates me now?

 

x

[Frank13]

Don't you know when you are dumped, you are supposed to act happy so the person who dumped you regrets their decision and wants you back.

 

Listen to the Cher Lloyd song "Want You Back".

 

I understand the fearr of out right rejection so just put your toe in the water and start out with a "Hi" text and follow up with chit chat and see if he says he has a girl friend.

 

So many people dream of getting a second chance and now that you might have one, you have all sorts of reasons why you don't want to try.

[Heroeric]

3 weeks ago me and my girlfriend of 1 year broke up, she left me for similar reasons as your ex left and to be honest I told myself that I wouldn't take her back, but looking at how much i loved her I wouldn't keep to that now. Sure in your situation it's alot longer of a gap, but if the love was there, if the emotions and the passion was there and you feel deep down you love him, try talking to him. Surely you can rekindle what was lost with some time and dedication, but just follow your heart. Obviously it's still bugging you really bad, so we know you still have deep feelings after all this time.

[OklahomaJones]

Typical woman... meets this "great, amazing, awesome" guy but doesn't know if she really likes him, or feels the same as he does.. and now you're missing him because he's off having a great life and not begging for you to come back.

 

If you don't know how you feel about this guy, and just want him back because he's doing great without you then do him a favor and leave him alone. If you feel like you really do like him and could love him, then just tell him you want to see him again. It's not rocket science here..

[lylat333]

Typical woman... meets this "great, amazing, awesome" guy but doesn't know if she really likes him, or feels the same as he does.. and now you're missing him because he's off having a great life and not begging for you to come back.

 

Woah, woah... stop right there. Guys are guilty of this as well. LS has shown me there is very little difference between men and women in relationships. Many cases of guys breaking up with women and regretting the decision, especially when they see the ex move on without them. I should know, I'm one of them.

[emz23]

Typical woman... meets this "great, amazing, awesome" guy but doesn't know if she really likes him, or feels the same as he does.. and now you're missing him because he's off having a great life and not begging for you to come back.

 

If you don't know how you feel about this guy, and just want him back because he's doing great without you then do him a favor and leave him alone. If you feel like you really do like him and could love him, then just tell him you want to see him again. It's not rocket science here..

 

 

I think that was a little harsh. I didn't break up with him because I wasn't sure how I felt about him. If he hadn't moved away for the job I wouldn't have broken up with him. I had doubts about the breakup even with the distance.

I just felt like it proved to me that my feelings weren't strong enough otherwise I'd have thought about doing the distance relationship. I wonder now if that was just emotions running high. I thought it proved that his feelings were stronger as he was prepared to carry on with the realtionship no matter what the distance. Again I'm not sure if this was right either given his reaction to leaving.

That's my best attempt to explain what was in my head. My emotions were all over the place when he said he had to leave. All I knew was that with all the other stresses in my life that I couldn't be in a relationship where we only saw each other every 3-4 weeks. I had one before where the guy always came to see me and I never went to see him. In the end I felt so bad about it that I finished with him....on this occasion it was the right thing to do and I didn't really miss him that much when he stopped visiting. This time I really miss him.

I don't just want him back because he's doing great. If you read what I wrote this is my main reason why I haven't contacted him despite how I'm feeling at the moment.

I hadn't been on Facebook for over a week but I noticed a couple days ago that he has deleted me. I think this shows me he wouldn't want me to contact him now.

 

Frank13: so do you think it's all an act and he is playing games? I hadn't thought of it like that.

Heroeric: Thank you. How are you doing without her? If bad and really missing her then I can see why you would take her back, but if you are doing well then would you still want her to contact you and maybe set you back? Would that change if she had ignored your previous messages?

Lylatt333: I think I saw on your thread that your ex didn't reply to some things you sent her and that it was the most hurtful thing. Did that change whether you wanted her to contact you again? With your ex that you regretted breaking up with...what did you do?

 

I do feel something. I just don't know what it is. I don't want to be unfair to him. I miss him hugely and all the times we spent together but I think he may be happier without me. I don't know how I got someone like him anyway. I am a little overweight and not exactly sporty....he got me doing all sorts of things I don't usually do, canooeing, walking, swimming and gigs. I don't consider myself attractive and I can be really shy. I wonder sometimes if it was a self esteem thing that made me finish things. It helps to write this down as I hadn't considered that before....

 

x

[emz23]

So I've read a bit on this forum now and what people seem to be suggesting is what would be considered as "breadcrumbs".

I haven't contacted him yet for a few reasons: I think these are in some kind of order.

1)He is happy and I don't want to bring him down

2)He is too good for me

3)I have no idea what to say or how to explain why I've ignored his last messages and not contacted him in almost 2 months.

4)I don't trust myself not to do anything with him despite not knowing how I feel and I don't want to lead him on

5)I'm not entirely sure how I feel and probably won't know until I see him.

6)He will probably say no

7)he is probably seeing someone else by now

8)He was distant the last time I saw him and things felt different with him

9)I am very busy and don't know if I can fully commit the time to rebuilding.

10) He's deleted my Facebook and stopped contacting me (gone NC??) so probably doesn't want to hear from me.

 

I really want to contact him but these reasons are stopping me. I'm not in a rush as I want to think this through properly and i feel like I might do a lot of harm to both him and me.

[r321148]

There is so much wrong with this story.

 

"He said I would never find anyone who would make me happy if I just ran away as soon as things got a little difficult"

He was right I think. you just threw in the towel as soon as things looked a little difficult.

You are showing you haven't changed as you still won't work for this relationship. Your 10 reasons are almost all excuses with a couple of exceptions.

 

You really need to work on yourself first if self esteem is an issue. If you can't sort this out then no relationship will ever work for you. Take your time and sort yourself out. You have already done damage in this relationship. I don't think leaving it longer whilst you work through your issues will do any more damage than you've already done.

Don't read into the Facebook thing, if he's anything like most people he will have deleted you so that he doesn't have constant reminders of you there.

 

My advice would be to work on yourself and learn to be happy with yourself. Don't think yourself below him as he was with you and nobody forced him to be! Then you need to work out what you actually want...I very much doubt he would be receptive if you contacted him again suggesting you be friends, but if you really want to have another go at a relationship then you should reach out. Explain why you ignored his attempts to retain contact and apologise... This has probably hurt him. Then ask to meet up and try to build a new relationship with him. You'll probably need to give him time and take things slowly. You also need to be prepared to take a risk. He may say no and he may be with someone else but the only way you're going to find out is to ask!!

Good luck!

[emz23]

I think that was harsh again. I didn't throw in the towel. I was really confused and worried about my own future and the effect that a distance relationship would have on that.

I'm now thinking I made a mistake.

It's a difficult decision whether to contact him as I think I may have realized my mistake when it's too late.

When you say he's deleted my Facebook as he doesn't want constant reminders surely that would suggest he also doesn't want me to contact him?

This has been going around my head for a long time now and it's distracting and making me feel miserable. I feel like such a bad person for breaking up with him and then ignoring him. I want to contact him but I think I've done too much damage already and I think he deserves somebody who won't let him down like I have.

Are there any more opinions or advice on what to do?

x

[gentle_male]

Dear emz23,

 

I'm going to get straight to the point. My long-term ex, broke up with me and I blocked her on Facebook, etc. It wasn't because I didn't want to hear from her. It was so that if I DID hear from her, it would be because she was serious and took the time to find me and not just an easy Facebook breadcrumb message.

 

I met my ex the other night for the first time in a very long time (and she is still blocked on my Facebook), because she put in the effort to contact me in other ways and wouldn't take no for an answer (in a nice, good way).

 

I hope that gives you some guidance.

[Criticality]

I think that was harsh again. I didn't throw in the towel. I was really confused and worried about my own future and the effect that a distance relationship would have on that.x

 

Yes. You were really confused and worried... So you threw in the towel. It's not harsh, it's just stating facts that you refuse to see.

 

I'm now thinking I made a mistake.

It's a difficult decision whether to contact him as I think I may have realized my mistake when it's too late.

 

He offered you time to think it over, you didn't take that.

 

He tried multiple times to get in touch with you. You didn't respond.

 

Yes, it's too late. Way too late.

 

Should you try to get in touch with him?

Sure, why not. He might have moved on and has a different girlfriend now, and if he doesn't, he's probably weary to try anything again, since he probably sees you as somebody who quits when things get hard.

Give it a try, but don't get your hopes up. It sounds like the train has left the station a long time ago. You might want to try some therapy to see what you can do different the next time.

[ColdAlone]

Just contact the guy. Worst case scenario you'll be sure he has someone else, you can stop thinking about it.

[aybc123]

A big red flag for me on this:

 

- After 11 months together you weren't sure whether you liked him enough to do long distance. I'm going to assume that there weren't push pull factors of him chasing you and the relationship being unbalanced that would be altering your viewpoint...In which case this seems like you guys probably are not that great of a match, why be with someone you have fun with and like but are not sure you love, after a whole year?

 

You would probably get back together and then after the angst of seeing him move on just fine without you was taken away youd be right back being unsure if he's the right guy, thats not really fair on you and it definitely isn't fair on him.

 

I also kind of agree with the previous posters, not wanting to be harsh or make you feel bad but just chucking in the towel like that and not communicating anything you were feeling with him then later ignoring his messages etc. It just speaks of being emotionally a little bit immature.

Edited October 21, 2013 by aybc123

[emz23]

Thank you all for your replies. Maybe that is fair and I did give up too easy.

 

To aybc123. I don't think the question in my head was that I didn't like him enough for long distance, even though that's what I thought at the time. Doing the long distance thing would really have affected me emotionally and could have seriously harmed my future career prospects. I do need to be close to my partner and with him close by it was great but with him moving away it would have been emotional turmoil and that would have affected my focus. I know that sounds like an excuse but I am trying to make it in a competitive industry and a missed opportunity can spell the end. If he had stayed I'm convinced we'd still be together. If I'd already made it in my career I'd have tried long distance or possibly moved away with him. I think in my strained emotional state at the thought of him leaving, I thought I didn't like him enough when I actually did.

It really isn't the fact that he is doing well without me that makes me want him back. it is all of the other things that we shared when we were together that I really miss. I never met anyone like him and he got me doing all sorts of things that I never thought possible. Now that the distance isn't an issue I want to give it a try but I think, and other posters seem to agree that I have left it too late and done too much damage.

The general theme seems to be just to contact him and hope for the best.

My main issue with that is still that I don't want to bring him down. If he is doing well with his new job and new life then I don't want to cause him to lose focus or bring up something painful that is painful for him.

gentle_male you make a good point. Did your ex ignore any attempts you made to contact her? Would it have made a difference if she did? Were you doing well when she contacted you and how did it make you feel when she did? How long were you apart?

 

I really do appreciate the advice and even though a couple seemed harsh maybe they were just blunt and to the point. Maybe that is what I need. Thank You

x

[gentle_male]

gentle_male you make a good point. Did your ex ignore any attempts you made to contact her? Would it have made a difference if she did? Were you doing well when she contacted you and how did it make you feel when she did? How long were you apart?

 

Hi emz23,

 

Yes, there were times I would write and she wouldn't reply (maybe a year ago).

 

and yes, I was doing very, very well when she contacted me now. I've a wonderful new job, now speak many languages, am loving life.

 

When she contacted me now, I was skeptical (still am). She knows I can't be friends with her, she knows I wanted to marry her. I don't believe that she needs to "prove" herself with something special and a superficial gesture, either. I find that childish and if I said something like that to her, what's the point? It will just put a negative wall up between us again. I am being the nicest man possible that I can to her, but giving her space. No games.

 

You can read my post here, if you want to see how it's been going:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/396530-heard-ex-after-more-than-year-thoughts

 

We were together for 5 years and have been apart for 2 years now.

 

Hope this helps you

[emz23]

Thank You.

 

As an update. I went ahead and contacted him with a simple text on Friday. I said

 

hey. how are things with you. Sorry for not being in touch, hope your enjoying your new job

 

He rang me on Sunday (unusual as he usually responded within a couple hours?!). Hearing his voice felt great though.

We chatted for a bit about his new job, what was going on in his life and how much he is enjoying it all. We then got onto other things and I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said he had been dating a couple girls but not seriously (I don't know what this means).

I asked him how he felt about me. He said he doesn't hate me for the break up as he was unsure about distance too and he understood my decision. He said the way I treated him after really hurt him though. I apologized and tried to explain but he cut me off and said he didn't really care for explanation and he just wanted to leave it in the past. I think that's quite understanding but I'd have liked to explain.

I didn't ask about any chances of getting back together because I didn't want to push it.

He didn't ask me anything about the breakup and moved away from the subject of girls he was seeing and his thoughts about me really quickly.

How should I proceed from here? I haven't heard from him since Sunday and he made no suggestion of meeting up when we were chatting.

Do you think there is any hope here?

x

[emz23]

So I've not heard from him this week.

When we did talk on Sunday he was friendly enough but he could have just been being polite.

Are there any thoughts on what I should do? Do I still have a chance?

x

[hotkeys]

Hey emz, I'm a guy who's been in sortof your situation a few times. I can also sympathize with your guy. I could say a lot about the whole story but the upshot right now is what is holding you back from really putting yourself out there and pushing for this? He's being cautious, and you're being even more cautious. Is it because deep down you really believe you're just playing him? If not, and you're sure you want to give it a real chance and your motives are honest (you're not just lonely or jealous etc), then put yourself out there and make him listen: tell him why you're afraid now, why you did what you did the whole time, what your hopes and concerns at the moment are, and let him make an informed response. By hiding all this stuff though you're not going to grow, and you're not going to know about you two. Get ready to be hurt, but it's better to and own it than to hide and wonder. Or if you decide it's because you wouldn't ideally choose him and this is about loneliness or whatever, then you can address that in yourself and get going on the next chapter.

[BC1980]

So I've not heard from him this week.

When we did talk on Sunday he was friendly enough but he could have just been being polite.

Are there any thoughts on what I should do? Do I still have a chance?

x

 

Be upfront with him. You can't expect him to make any of the moves because he is too scared to be vulnerable. I was dumped, and, at this point, I would never be vulnerable first with my ex. He is probably really suspicious of why you called.

[emz23]

Thank you both for your replies.

I did try to be upfront when he called me back. It was just like when we were talking about general stuff it was great. The usual things like how our lives were going, adventures he's been on and usual friendly stuff. It was great we had a lovely chat, good connection and it was a bit like old times.

Then when I asked if he was ok with me contacting him he said "I don't hate you for finishing things, I understood that but you really hurt me by cutting me out the last 2 months".

I then tried to explain what was in my head but before I got anywhere he said "it's in the past and I don't want to talk about it".

He was very short when I tried to talk about us so I just moved the conversation back to more friendly things.

 

I think a few things that are holding me back:

I feel really guilty for hurting him and seeing how well he is doing, I wonder if he is better off without me.

I'm not sure what he meant when he said he was seeing a couple people but not seriously. That doesn't seem like him, he was always a very one girl at a time type person and he always said he saw no value in hookups. Maybe he just meant he was dating a couple people but hadn't progressed yet. I don't know but I don't want to impose and get in the way of his moving on if that's what he wants to do.

Probably the least of the reasons is I am also really worried about being hurt. I like this guy and I just think I've ruined everything and he will just shoot me down if I open up to him. I could probably cope with it but with the other concerns as well it does make the list.

 

I don't really know what to do. I feel a bit like because of the way he was that if I try to talk to him about how I feel it will annoy him at the moment

x

[strive]

Probably the least of the reasons is I am also really worried about being hurt. I like this guy and I just think I've ruined everything and he will just shoot me down if I open up to him. I could probably cope with it but with the other concerns as well it does make the list.

 

To be honest? From what you wrote I think this is actually your biggest fear and you're just downplaying it. Put yourself out there. You dumped him and now it's time for your to be judged by him. Make the best effort you can.

 

Think of it this way, if HE'S the one getting advice here what people would tell him is that "you're just playing him again" and "giving him breadcrumbs." Unless you show genuine desire for reconciliation, he'll never give you the time of the day.

 

And if he rejects you? Then you'll be at least able to accept it and move on.

[emz23]

So you all think I should try to talk to him about us, even though he specifically said "it's in the past, I don't want to talk about it"?

 

I don't want to annoy him or push him further away

x

[2fargone]

You sure sound like my ex....

 

 

Here's the thing : beating around the bush might agitate him, and he might push you away. Result: You still get hurt.

 

 

Take responsability, be upfront about what you want. If you get hurt, at least you never have to wonder again.