Vinsanity1307 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Here is my original story....Input appreciated... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years Well 5 years ago today I asked my ex out, and on the 5th year and not having her is indescribably painful. The anxiety and pain kicked up notches beyond belief right now. I feel like there is no hope and my life is meaningless. I miss her so much. I dont know what to do. Anyone have suggestions so ease the pain. I cant stop crying. Please Help..
Salvatore85 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Bro you've gotta snap out of it. I know it hurts bad and my relationship lasted a little over 5 years so trust me I know what you're going through but what you're doing to yourself is unhealthy. I'm just going to level with you dude, you need to go talk to someone who listens professionally. You seem like a great guy but there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. 3
cif Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Did you read this? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 I am seeing a counselor, past 3 weeks but dont feel like its helping. Its when I am alone in my apartment at night (which is all the time) that I am really bad.. The anxiety is aweful and the thoughts I do whatever to take my mind off but there is only so much you can do when your up from 12am-7 am (due to work schedules)...I just dont know its been 3 months since the BU as well...
Bubberfly Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 If you feel that therapist isn't helping, you may need to find a new one. I also suggest perhaps some medication (I got on stuff for anxiety and depression, I wasn't getting better with just therapy alone). Also, perhaps find a group in your area so you can talk with people in your situation. Three months after a 5 year relationship really isn't that long when you think of it. Stop beating yourself up. You're going to hurt, that's the awful truth. 1
Salvatore85 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I am seeing a counselor, past 3 weeks but dont feel like its helping. Its when I am alone in my apartment at night (which is all the time) that I am really bad.. The anxiety is aweful and the thoughts I do whatever to take my mind off but there is only so much you can do when your up from 12am-7 am (due to work schedules)...I just dont know its been 3 months since the BU as well... I'm going on 8 months and it still hurts sometimes. It takes time but you can't let it consume you. 1
Beautiful diamond Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 *hug* remember it is just a regular day like any other, people breakup, dogs chase cats, the sun rises, get my point? Be happy that the worst is over. You are out of a bad relationship. It is very good to grieve. Your heart is healing itself. Please accept that feeling pain and rejection is ok. It's best just to cry and cry and cry some more. Eventually the tears will decrease and you may even laugh at the situation. There is a silver lining to this, you are all the better for surviving. Every day look in the mirror and say: her lost, I'm moving on.....
barky2 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Vinny, just got your pm I'll respond Ina few. I'm gonna tell you what, one day You'll get to a point where you're sick of the pain and hurt and get pissed off and throw things around in anger Only you yourself,not us,not a counselor can get you to this point Aren't you sick and tired of this broad consuming your every thought? That's what I thought It's time to grab your bag and get pissed every time you starting down Straight up dude, when you start getting down just say screw that and get pissed She treated you like dog crap and you know damn right well this girl is no good for you For the 10th time bro,go in the mirror and get mad and hyped everyte u start getting down Barky
JDPT Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) Hey- I know your past few threads have been about how much pain you are in and how anxiety overwhelmes you at this. I'm a bit concern that this is starting to turn into a vicious cycle that you are allowing to linger for way too long. I'm certain the suggestion of seeking professional assistance has been rendered but at this point if you haven't, it is long overdue. You need a professional who can walk you through this very challenging moment in your life and yes it is just a moment because eventually all this pain will subside. There is an assortment of things we must to to move on. Unfortunately, there isn't one magical thing to implement that will get us through the next chapter of our lives, and once again, someone who is qualified can certainly assist you in getting there. I was told once, "forget your exes schedule" meaning, when she worked, when she left work, when her birthday was, when our anniversary was, when her kids birthdays were. I don't think about those anymore as they are completely irrelevant to me. My birthday is in December and so I expect her to contact me? Absolutely not, why? Because she is no longer in a position to wish me anything and quiet honestly it is best this way. Keep moving forward and please give counseling some serious thought. Edited October 7, 2013 by JDPT 1
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Thanks for your responses....Like I said earlier in the thread I am seeing a counselor but dont think its helping. I like talking about how I feel and my ex in the session but I dont feel any different when leaving but its only been 3 weeks...As for what I am doing like I said my work schedules suck(2 jobs)...Which basically consist of 3-11 shifts and 11pm-7am shifts so. When I am off ...my downtime is from 12-6 or 7 AM....I ve shifted my focus into a project during that time but it doesnt always help.....Both jobs remind me of her as I stated before no matter how hard I try to shift my focus (also been looking for new jobs as well..not an easy task)....I know I am lingering in the thoughts and letting them "snowball" ..I try to get angry but it just comes out terribly depressed..Ive always looked at the good in people its just how I am no matter what was done.. So thats one of the many reasons why she is still on the pedestal...I dont know..I just feel like that my heart chose her and isnt going to let go...Cause it/im stubborn...:/
reddragon588 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Why would you try to get angry? Why not try to get happy?
JDPT Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 It's great that you have two jobs and keep busy. I made it this entire summer with no job and no school, and of course my ex dumping me in the process. I'm surprised I made it out alive. I'm now back to school, work and extra activities to keep me ridiculously busy. I'm just trying to bring out the positive in your situation, remember it could be worse. I can certainly relate, my first 2 months in therapy all I did was talk about my ex. I would relate everything and anything to her. My therapist would at times let me vent but now I'm seeing that she is taking a more strict approach and rerouting conversation when I talk about her which is perfectly fine with me as at times it get redundant. Give it some time man, as you know, nothing is overnight and everything takes time. Hard work pays off, you get what you put in, so why stop now? have to keep pushing! 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 OP - Be aware that if your counselor is good, you may not even notice you are opening up and moving in a positive direction. This is what happened to me. For the first few sessions, I just talked and talked. About everything. In circles. And she just kind of listened and gave small feedback and suggestions. I remember thinking that she was wasting my time. Well later on, I realized she knew exactly what she was doing and was leading me to find my own issues and answers. She was, in fact, very, very good, and I really didn't even notice what she was doing. So, even if you feel it is not helping, I bet it is. And if you're positive this one isn't doing much for you, find another. Because as others mentioned, at the point you are at now, a good counselor/therapist can be a major asset to your healing and recovery. But be warned, don't expect a magic pill or single conversation that will fix all of this. It is a process, so you must stick with it. Best of luck!!
barky2 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Why would you try to get angry? Why not try to get happy? Anger instead of moping Actually works quite well When you're down and out say screw this get mad and go work out I used to yell and say f this I'm not going to be sad anymore Worked well for me as many old posters That was my advice to Vin Just my two pennies Barky 1
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks for all your advice...I have only had 3 sessions so I am not sure how much longer to give it. She gives me exercises to do when Home...I havent slept more thna 3 or 4 hours a night since the breakup and it takes me about 2 hours once in bed to fall asleep every night...She told me to word vomitt when in bed...(write what im thinking of as I am in bed which is always my ex no matter what I try to think about)..Hasn't been helping still having trouble everynight... I dont know....Again 3 months and dont feel any different than that first week...Thats why I write on here all the time...Future just seems hopeless.....
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Hang in there!! I am at 7 months and I still face the challenge of this on a daily basis. It does get more manageable. I now go through stretches of good, followed by stretches of bad. No longer is at all bad Again, this is a process, and not a linear one unfortunately. you will make it through this. We all will!!! 2
reddragon588 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Try playing music while you're going to sleep and focus on the music. It will make it easier to guide your thoughts away from the ex and into the music. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Try playing music while you're going to sleep and focus on the music. It will make it easier to guide your thoughts away from the ex and into the music. Agreed ^^^ Preferably music little or no lyrics, or else you will stimulate yourself while singing along and delay falling asleep... Pink Floyd is perfect!! 1
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 I am not sure music will help me fall asleep I for the most part need it quiet. Many years ago I use to fall asleep listening to ocean waves, but My last real intimate romantic moment was with my ex on the beach before I was dumped. So all I can see is that coming to mind when listening to it. Then I was thinking of rain or a water fall but guess what?! On the weekends my ex would use those sounds to help her fall asleep when at my house...So that sucks as well...Ill try the soft music..But soft music I see being sad music dont you think....I cant win....
reddragon588 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I am not sure music will help me fall asleep I for the most part need it quiet. Many years ago I use to fall asleep listening to ocean waves, but My last real intimate romantic moment was with my ex on the beach before I was dumped. So all I can see is that coming to mind when listening to it. Then I was thinking of rain or a water fall but guess what?! On the weekends my ex would use those sounds to help her fall asleep when at my house...So that sucks as well...Ill try the soft music..But soft music I see being sad music dont you think....I cant win.... You're looking for things to connect to her and you're looking for excuses. Try something, anything. If it doesn't work you're not any worse off than you are now. If it does work... If you need something, look up Pretty Lights. Some of his music is upbeat but it is still relaxing. 2
JDPT Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 As stated above you need to detach yourself fully from your previous relationship, it's over. You need to pave your own way, new everything. Change things, don't do things the old way. Don't keep going in circles and break the vicious cycle, take a stand and say enough is enough!
headinthecloud Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks for all your advice...I have only had 3 sessions so I am not sure how much longer to give it. She gives me exercises to do when Home...I havent slept more thna 3 or 4 hours a night since the breakup and it takes me about 2 hours once in bed to fall asleep every night...She told me to word vomitt when in bed...(write what im thinking of as I am in bed which is always my ex no matter what I try to think about)..Hasn't been helping still having trouble everynight... I dont know....Again 3 months and dont feel any different than that first week...Thats why I write on here all the time...Future just seems hopeless..... *“Words are the first manifestation of ideas or thoughts into the real world. At their origin, those ideas exist only in your mind, but once they have been spoken or written, then they exist and have the power to shape the world around us. The moment we galvanize our thoughts into words marks the onset of creation,” - Rory Vaden If you can change your thinking pattern, you can change your reality.
Mcnulty Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Meds in my experience don't work, talking helps a little, so does exercise, but the one thing that can rid you of your depressive thoughts is standing outside your life look in and view changes...that simple...changes...force them, nurture them, ease them out, welcome them, even when you fell afraid...changes in your current life will help you...do it.
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Thank you again for your responses....What I am really pushing for is moving...Although it sucks because my rent is super cheap with all utilities included...But like I noted before the walls talk with memories...A new job is something that may help too which is all I do is apply places.....In november I just signed up for a football league... So theres an activity but still a month away....I will look into that musician you mentioned...I really appreciate the responses. I know alot of it is the same and a broken record but it helps even just a tad bit...
flitzanu Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 first thing you need to do is stop doing and listening to anything that reminds you of her. get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of her...pics, items, etc...box them up or throw them away. you need to change your world you live in to be something new that doesn't involve HER. remove her from your every day life and you'll see a big change. 1
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