Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[atreides]

"The Cheater OM is usually a man with low self esteem and insecurity that needs romantic conquests to feel validated . . ."

 

A total cop out. The truth is that they are better in bed then most men.

 

My first H was awesome in bed. No low self esteem and even less insecurity. Low self esteem and insecure when he had dozens of women throwing themselves at him.

 

He just loved women and loved sex and was far better in bed then 999 out of a thousand men.

 

The truth is women talk and before we married he had women he had never met knocking on his door and wanting to f*ck.

 

The reason I know is that is how I met him. I walked by his apartment and from the screams I heard coming from within knew that I had to find out if he could do the same for me.

 

Yes he was smooth, cocky and self confident.

 

He caught me cheating, and never looked back. Me and my big mouth, he had screwed 2 of my new friends within 6 months. They looked him up

 

 

Some friends, i see that a lot among women especially, so called friends wanting a piece of the action.

[Sofie2013]

Well my husband is without a doubt moving on with the divorce. Last night he told his lawyer sent over settlement to my lawyer. My lawyer called me a few minutes ago telling she has received the settlement and would like to go over it with me. I told her I would pass by tomorrow

[stillafool]

Sorry Sofie but I knew it. I wouldn't carry on with the HB anymore. But that's just me.

[Sofie2013]

Okay...so, you're sleeping together, had a nice weekend...a good few days, better communication. Yet, he still plans on moving out on Monday.

 

Has he communicated anything about him moving out yet? Where he's going? New address? Game plan with the kids? Any indication that he may be having second thoughts?

 

Have you been going to individual counseling? Has he asked about that? Has he been seeing any self improvements on your part? Has he been seeing you reading books on the matter? Have you even discussed marriage counseling if for anything; to learn how to co-parent together?

 

Yes he does plan to move out on Monday and is for the most part done packing.

 

He leased a condo a few minutes from our houses. So it would be easier for him and the kids to spend time together. For most part he will be living will his brother in the city. He works in the city so it’s easier for him. We haven’t come up with a scheduled with the kids yet but he has made it clear that he does want 50/50 custody. He seems a lot more secure with end the marriage and moving on.

 

I have been going to IC and no he hasn’t asked about it. He hasn’t read or doing anything to help save the marriage. It’s becoming pretty clear he just wants to move on. I doubt he would go to any kind of counseling with me at this point.

[samsungxoxo]

Sorry Sofie but I knew it. I wouldn't carry on with the HB anymore. But that's just me.

Right on. Honestly, if I were to cheat on my marriage, unless the betrayed spouse wants to save the marriage too, sex is the last thing I would have in mind.

 

I'm afraid Sophie's husband only had sex with her because he only wanted to see for himself what must it have been like when she did with the OM so he can compare.

[Sofie2013]

Have you came out and aske your husband if he will give you a second chance to prove to him you can be a faithful wife?

 

I confessed so I had that in my favour but I did tell my husband I wanted him and only him. That I had been very wrong and stupid. That I knew he didn't have to give me a second chance and I understood fully if he didn't. But I would like one and wanted to spend the rest of our lives proving to him I could be worthy of his forgiveness.

 

Your husband may "know" you want to work on the marriage. But have you actually asked him if he is even considering it or willing to?

 

Btw, the only relevance I think his dating cheating has is to show why you did have the mindset he would forgive you. I get that.

 

 

Yes I have asked for second chances multiply times. He never came out and said yes or no.

 

I have told him how much I want him and only him and He’s the only man I want to be with no on else. That the affair was all my fault and I do regret it ever happening.

 

He knows I want this marriage and him more than anything. He hasn’t told me if he would be willing to forgive me but I don’t think he wants to or probably ever will forgive me.

[Sofie2013]

Is he wanting custody? Or for you to be the custodial parent?

 

I think he want joint custody. So I don’t think there would be a custodial parent since we would both have equal rights to the kids. I am not 100% on this I have to ask my lawyer.

[BetrayedH]

He may feel a need to divorce you for the sake of his own self-respect. Perhaps then he will feel that he can revisit the relationship. Or perhaps he is undecided but is moving forward as a default until he makes up his mind. Or perhaps he is done altogether. Frankly, he's the only one that knows. Everyone here is just guessing.

 

I don't think your actions should change based on any of these scenarios.

[Sofie2013]

Sorry Sofie but I knew it. I wouldn't carry on with the HB anymore. But that's just me.

 

All HB has stopped and it probably won’t continue.

[Sofie2013]

Right on. Honestly, if I were to cheat on my marriage, unless the betrayed spouse wants to save the marriage too, sex is the last thing I would have in mind.

 

I'm afraid Sophie's husband only had sex with her because he only wanted to see for himself what must it have been like when she did with the OM so he can compare.

 

 

I would like to think he did because he really wanted to be with me. it really doesn’t matter at this point anyway since he won’t happen again even though I still would want too.

[Sofie2013]

I get the sensation your H was not exactly devastated by the affair. It seems he started divorce proceedings as soon as he confirmed the affair and with you not having a clue that he knew about the affair.

 

He then place the call to your hotel room when you were sleeping with OM. I bet he knew OM was there. He then acted like nothing had happened. All of this sounds cold and calculating. he was toying with you.

 

Does this behavior fit his personality?

 

 

You had said that when he was 20 he lost his marbles over some life struggles. Discovering an affair is among the greatest struggle a person can face in life. Some people equate the distress of infidelity to losing a child. That is how bad it can be. And yet, your H is calm and collected. It almost feels like a vendetta. Perhaps the HB was done to make it hurt even more when he finally divorces you.

 

 

My husband has known about the affair since around July and put out PI to follow me and my exmm. He knew about the affair way before he even called the hotel that night. According to him he has proof I was with my exmm that night as well the previous time.

 

Again he was in his 20’s when his grandmother passed away. His biggest worry then was what part he was going to that week. Fast forward 14 years later he’s a senior partner at one of the biggest law firms in the city. So his career does require him to be calm, collected and calculating. I said it before he’s not the same person he was back then he has. He has like many of us has grown up

[samsungxoxo]

Was your H communicative before the affair?

 

 

You are presenting a cold calculating man. Or perhaps he is simply devastated and does not show much. I have to say that your scenario seemed to be favorable for reconciliation, but he is not interested.

 

Is he having an affair of his own?

I also think there is something he's hiding and Sophie's affair was just the last thing that broke the camel's back but I doubt that's all it was that led to his decision to wanting divorce.

[Sofie2013]

Was your H communicative before the affair?

 

 

You are presenting a cold calculating man. Or perhaps he is simply devastated and does not show much. I have to say that your scenario seemed to be favorable for reconciliation, but he is not interested.

 

Is he having an affair of his own?

 

 

He is devastated and doesn’t want to show it. that’s why in my other thread I stated I was scared of what could happen to him if he did reach a breaking point. It has happened before when his grandmother passed he didn’t tell anyone or said anything. I thought something similar could happen now.

 

He not having an affair

[NYWoman]

Sofie

 

Sorry to say I saw this coming.

 

I think a key component to what he is going through, is the death of his grandmother. Deep inside he probably has abandonment issues.

 

You were the rock he leaned on to heal, and now he feels that you also abandoned him.

[stillafool]

 

Is he having an affair of his own?

 

I've always thought that perhaps he's had someone in 'the wings' because of the way he's handled this affair. Doesn't seem normal. He didn't ask you alot of questions about it, he definitely knew about you and OM before he called the room but didn't get too bent out of shape. He didn't even question you about it even after you confessed. It just doesn't seem normal. I know my husband would have blown a casket and at least called me every name in the book. I think most husbands and wives would show some emotion. I would at least know he felt something for me. Your BH acts like he just wanted more proof to build a case for divorce. I'm glad you aren't going to HB anymore.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie

 

Sorry to say I saw this coming.

 

I think a key component to what he is going through, is the death of his grandmother. Deep inside he probably has abandonment issues.

 

You were the rock he leaned on to heal, and now he feels that you also abandoned him.

 

 

He does have abandonment issues because of what his parents did to him.

My counselor told me the same thing. She said little differently and I think it’s true to some degree. She also said it could be what brings us back together. She believes the fact that he doesn’t have another source of emotional support could lead him to seek in again in the future. I really don’t know about that although.

[peaksandvalleys]

I've always thought that perhaps he's had someone in 'the wings' because of the way he's handled this affair. Doesn't seem normal. He didn't ask you alot of questions about it, he definitely knew about you and OM before he called the room but didn't get too bent out of shape. He didn't even question you about it even after you confessed. It just doesn't seem normal. I know my husband would have blown a casket and at least called me every name in the book. I think most husbands and wives would show some emotion. I would at least know he felt something for me. Your BH acts like he just wanted more proof to build a case for divorce. I'm glad you aren't going to HB anymore.

 

 

I don't have anyone in the wings and I feel as if I am behaving similarly to her husband. It is easier to shut down emotion and deal with things as though they are business until things are final. Then I get to deal with ALL my feelings. I would guess that her husband who is a lawyer is doing the same thing.

[turnera]

HB is a primal response to recover a relationship.

Also common for men who feel a need to reclaim the wife's body, so to speak, and to prove to himself that he can be an amazing partner in bed, that THAT wasn't the reason she cheated (ie, not his fault or shortcomings).

[Sofie2013]

I don't have anyone in the wings and I feel as if I am behaving similarly to her husband. It is easier to shut down emotion and deal with things as though they are business until things are final. Then I get to deal with ALL my feelings. I would guess that her husband who is a lawyer is doing the same thing.

 

 

I agree with the other poster. He is going on about things as if it was all business. I believe he hurting and he doesn’t want to show it. I know my husband loves me well loved me I don’t know if he feels the same anymore.

 

My husband has never been one to be one who’s open about the way the feeling. He can be a very closed off emotional person. He has away been somewhat stoic. So the fact that he has been cold isn’t that much of a surprise.

 

It’s not that I don’t want to continue HB. I don’t know if he would want to anymore. Although I will agree it might not be the best for me.

[Sofie2013]

I get it, but for many others it is often easy to break away when they have someone waiting in the wings.

 

My husband doesn’t have anyone on the wing. Although he could and probably will have someone soon by then it doesn’t matter since we would separated and heading for divorce. I hate it

[haremmac]

Wow. All I can say is wow. I have read your whole story and feel bad for you both. I went though what your H went through(although not to the extent but still cheated on) except I am/was the spouse who has been doing all the heavy lifting to save the marriage. I wish my wife showed a fraction of the remorse you have shown. I never thought I could/would cheer for a WW but I really hope things will turn out the way you want. I also hope your H can get past your A and you two can R for your kids. I have 3 kids 6 and under and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have given this marriage a second thought. Things are getting better but it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do mentally and physically. Not to mention all the other distractions that get in the way while mending the scars. Good luck Sophie. I feel like I know you. Please keep posting.

[ChooseTruth]

We judge others from our perspective. That is what you are doing.

 

BH suspected instantly the OP was cheating the first time she came home after having sex with OM and hired a PI right away. Cheaters are good in detecting other cheaters.

I think you are right that he probably caught her quickly because he was once a cheater, but I wouldn't necessarily guess that he's cheating now. It could very well be he intends to move on quickly...because he's also divorcing. I dunno, I would tend to go with what Sophie feels on this. We're just people reading some text on a computer. She sees more of what's actually going on.

[Scott Thomas]

I also think there is something he's hiding and Sophie's affair was just the last thing that broke the camel's back but I doubt that's all it was that led to his decision to wanting divorce.

 

You can't confirm this. There's no need to blame her husband.

Some men can't stand their wives running off and sleeping with another man. Why is this so hard to understand.

 

He gets betrayed and now you're accusing him. Nice.

[atreides]

You can't confirm this. There's no need to blame her husband.

Some men can't stand their wives running off and sleeping with another man. Why is this so hard to understand.

 

He gets betrayed and now you're accusing him. Nice.

 

NO i think the poster means her H has something really "juicy" on her, not a blaming of the H for doing something wrong but has an "ace up his sleeve"

 

That was my interpretation.

[Scott Thomas]

I would refrain from claiming that the Husband was having an affair, though I'm not sure if he started a RA when he found out; you never really know.

However, there is no point accusing someone unless we have evidence.

He's the betrayed person here.

 

As for HB, Sophie I think that there is a slight chance you two might reconnect after some time. If this is your goal, keep trying to win him back. He might date a few women. While I would advise you against dating another man, this is entirely your choice. This is important if you want to show him that you still want to reunite with him. Refusing sex/HB could end any chances of reconnecting after the divorce.