GirlDown Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 don't get mad at tanbark for laying it out on the line. you asked for advice, but you don't seem to understand anyone's points, especially your girlfriend's, unless it comes in the form of insult. otherwise, you find non-existent hope. this obviously has been a problem for a while. stop letting her do this to you. or, rather, stop yourself from making her do this to you.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by GirlDown i don't know how intelligent she may be, but in your case, i think you're a little clueless in the way of relationships. and you certainly don't like hearing the truth if it's not the truth you want. That might be true, but you have to understand where I am coming from and that I am totally in love with her. That makes it extremely difficult to just say "piss off." If given the same circumstances as I, perhaps your approach might change.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by GirlDown don't get mad at tanbark for laying it out on the line. you asked for advice, but you don't seem to understand anyone's points, especially your girlfriend's, unless it comes in the form of insult. otherwise, you find non-existent hope. this obviously has been a problem for a while. stop letting her do this to you. or, rather, stop yourself from making her do this to you. I asked for advice, not insults. There's a difference. If you think I don't understand anyone's points, go back and read my responses, please. You'll see that I indeed do. It's that I still haven't gotten the answer to the question. It wasn't "should I dump her?" The question is how do I force her to one side of the fence or the other.
tanbark813 Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC If you were giving sound advice, I might listen to you. If you have to resort to insults to get your point across then from that point on your comments are meaningless. Myself and several others have given you sound advice that you didn't listen to. So I chose the more blatant route. Stop for a second and look at this thread objectively. Not a single person has said that she sounds like she's into you. Originally posted by ConfusedInOC The question is how do I force her to one side of the fence or the other. The answer is: you can't. She's her own person with her own thoughts. What makes you think you can "force" her to one side? Secondly, why would you want to? Are your options really so limited that there isn't a girl out there who would choose to be with you rather than having to be forced? But anyway, none of this is going to get through to you so here's the response you were looking for: Wow, man, that girl really digs you! I mean, she talks about how confused she is and how she's resigned herself to the idea that 'the one' just won't burst through the clouds. Since she's given up all romantic hope of her knight in shining armor coming to sweep her off her feet that MUST mean she loves you deeply! Yes, definitely send her an email professing your undying love for her and how you will wait forever for her! Girls LOVE a man with no spine. Go get 'er tiger! Now, go write that email and we'll see you back here in a month with another post asking why she's "still on the fence"...
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by tanbark813 Myself and several others have given you sound advice that you didn't listen to. So I chose the more blatant route. Stop for a second and look at this thread objectively. Not a single person has said that she sounds like she's into you. I don't need you to be blatent. Save it. The answer is: you can't. She's her own person with her own thoughts. What makes you think you can "force" her to one side? Secondly, why would you want to? Are your options really so limited that there isn't a girl out there who would choose to be with you rather than having to be forced? No, I am not limited on options. My heart is invested in her and if there's a chance for this to work, then I'd like to go with it. But if she really isn't interested in moving forward then I want to cut it off and find a different path. But forcing her gives ME peace of mind. I deserve that. She knows where I stand and in many ways, she owes this to me. But anyway, none of this is going to get through to you so here's the response you were looking for: Wow, man, that girl really digs you! I mean, she talks about how confused she is and how she's resigned herself to the idea that 'the one' just won't burst through the clouds. Since she's given up all romantic hope of her knight in shining armor coming to sweep her off her feet that MUST mean she loves you deeply! Yes, definitely send her an email professing your undying love for her and how you will wait forever for her! Girls LOVE a man with no spine. Go get 'er tiger! Now, go write that email and we'll see you back here in a month with another post asking why she's "still on the fence"... I'd say thanks, but I wouldn't mean it.
alphamale Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Dear Confused: You are posting here asking for advice and almost everyone is telling you the same thing. What, do you think we are all idiots? Listen to what others here are saying otherwise stop asking for advice from everyone if you're just going to waste our time.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Dear Confused: You are posting here asking for advice and almost everyone is telling you the same thing. What, do you think we are all idiots? Listen to what others here are saying otherwise stop asking for advice from everyone if you're just going to waste our time. Everyone is offering an opinion on something I didn't ask. I asked: "Do I push or pull?" Read the title of the thread. Read the inital message. That's the answer I seek, not an answer to the question I did not ask... Thanks.
tiki Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedinOC Everyone is offering an opinion on something I didn't ask. I asked: "Do I push or pull?" Originally posted by tiki Don't push, don't pull. Run. Um, I answered. Pay closer attention.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by tiki Um, I answered. Pay closer attention. One out of 10 Thanks. I've decided to run. I written the goodbye message. Do I just wuss out and email it to her and just tell her face to face?!
morrigan Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Tell her face to face. Then stop having contact with her. She's not the only female out there.
alphamale Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC How do I push without completely pushing her away? Or is that something I NEED to do? Sounds like you have already decided to "push" whatever that means. And what is you definition of "pull". What are you talking about here with push and pull? It does not matter what you do here the war is already lost. In essence you are asking the question "how do I get a woman to get closer to me who does not want to do so?". This is impossible unless you use very forceable means and then you'll land in the penitentary.
blind_otter Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Confused, I dated someone who I felt ambivalent about, mainly because I was still hung up on my ex (and was for quite a while). In the end, he wanted to get more serious, and I dumped him. At least I was able to be up front about my (lack of) feelings, I respected him enough that I thought I owed him that. But I did string him along for 4 months because, quite simply, I don't like being alone. The thing is, ambivalence, especially for as long a period of time as you describe, either indicates that they have no intention of establishing a real relationship, or they have serious issues with intimacy and trust. In either case, there isn't a way to "make" a person take action when they, themselves, won't take control. In all honesty it sounds like both of you are relatively passive in this relationship. forcing her gives ME peace of mind. I deserve that. She knows where I stand and in many ways, she owes this to me This is a disturbing statement, to me. In a perfect world, we would all get closure. But you know what - it doesn't usually happen this way. She may very well "owe this to you" - but that doesn't mean you should force her to give it to you. Forcing anyone to do anything is bad. bad bad bad. not good.
tiki Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Do I just wuss out and email it to her and just tell her face to face?! It's not HOW you tell her that matters. Just tell her! I mean, did she give you this answer over email?! -- YES! So why not respond via email?
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by blind_otter Confused, I dated someone who I felt ambivalent about, mainly because I was still hung up on my ex (and was for quite a while). In the end, he wanted to get more serious, and I dumped him. At least I was able to be up front about my (lack of) feelings, I respected him enough that I thought I owed him that. But I did string him along for 4 months because, quite simply, I don't like being alone. The thing is, ambivalence, especially for as long a period of time as you describe, either indicates that they have no intention of establishing a real relationship, or they have serious issues with intimacy and trust. In either case, there isn't a way to "make" a person take action when they, themselves, won't take control. In all honesty it sounds like both of you are relatively passive in this relationship. Finally! I would love nothing more than to have this relationship grow. But I think I deserve to know how she really feels. Ambivalence from her, I agree, is not a good sign. This is a disturbing statement, to me. In a perfect world, we would all get closure. But you know what - it doesn't usually happen this way. She may very well "owe this to you" - but that doesn't mean you should force her to give it to you. Forcing anyone to do anything is bad. bad bad bad. not good. I only want her to stop dragging me along unncessarily. By forcing her to decide, I am making it easier on the both of us. I am not forcing her into it, I guess I am really just trying to get her to admit she doesn't want me.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by tiki It's not HOW you tell her that matters. Just tell her! I mean, did she give you this answer over email?! -- YES! So why not respond via email? I think telling her face to face is better because 1/2 the message is the emotions behind it.
sweetpea01 Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Hi Confused, I know that when you're the one in love, it always seems like nobody else knows what they're talking about in regards to your situation. We don't always get the closure we need to move on, but we can't depend on another person to let us heal. If you feel like you want to make her stop riding the fence, my suggestion would be to leave and not contact her. If she contacts you, you have your answer...and if she doesn't, then you have your answer too. Many of us have had relationships that died long before we accepted it, so I know it can be difficult to accept that something you invested so much in is not going to work out in the end. Don't let her string you along, it isn't healthy for you. You just have to wonder why she can't committ...and that maybe, it means she doesnt feel it in her heart to be with you. If she found 'the one' don't you think she wouldnt let him out of her sight for one second? SweetPea G-Luck!
tokyo Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 I had a similar problem, he didn´t really say no, he didn´t really say yes and also didn´t want to give closure. Every time I try talking with him in a sensible way it looks as if *me* who is leaving him even though I don´t want to, etc., etc., etc..... I´m afraid some people are like that. They don´t know what they want and they are too scared to take a decision. Having said this, this guy at least was in love with me and there were other things like his career, the distance, my bad temper, too many bad experiences in the past, etc. that made him hesitate. Here I just see a girl who doesn´t want you. Not yet maybe. You are missing something that doesn´t convince her completely, therefore she doesn´t want you to be the one who sends you away. But if you leave, she´ll not stop you, it will confirm her conviction that you are not the one. If you stay it might take a long long time time the switch in her head clicks and she realizes that "the one" was there all the time.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by kooky I had a similar problem, he didn´t really say no, he didn´t really say yes and also didn´t want to give closure. Every time I try talking with him in a sensible way it looks as if *me* who is leaving him even though I don´t want to, etc., etc., etc..... I´m afraid some people are like that. They don´t know what they want and they are too scared to take a decision. Having said this, this guy at least was in love with me and there were other things like his career, the distance, my bad temper, too many bad experiences in the past, etc. that made him hesitate. Here I just see a girl who doesn´t want you. Not yet maybe. You are missing something that doesn´t convince her completely, therefore she doesn´t want you to be the one who sends you away. But if you leave, she´ll not stop you, it will confirm her conviction that you are not the one. If you stay it might take a long long time time the switch in her head clicks and she realizes that "the one" was there all the time. She loves me, but I do not think she is "IN" love with me. I would willing to stick it out if I thought she would come around but it's been 8 months with little to no progress. At this point, unless I go away completely she will never know what life without me will be like. And maybe that'll be what it takes. Thanks for the insight, it's truly appreciated!
tokyo Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC At this point, unless I go away completely she will never know what life without me will be like. Definitely. And you will give her a break to sort things out and miss you. If she doesn´t, then you can not change it.... Good luck
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Definitely. And you will give her a break to sort things out and miss you. If she doesn´t, then you can not change it.... Good luck The old adage: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be." Gotcha
tokyo Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Well, I´m still waiting that mine comes back..... I always thought I´m the only one who is, ahem, stupid. We fall too much in love with the wrong people. Not that they are not nice, but actually they don´t deserve us. We should try to get more self-esteem and so on....
Pocky Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 You know, your inability to make a decision based on her ambivalent attitude towards your relationship is just as wimpy as her ambivalent attitude. You're not doing anything she's not doing. Both of you are pulling "let someone else make a decision so it's not on my shoulders" routine. You know she doesn't want to be with you long-term. You know she's not head over heels in love with you, yet you continue with the mind set that you want to force her into making a decision. Why do you want to force her into making a decision when you don't seem capable of making a decision either?
tiki Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC The old adage: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be." Gotcha Okay except in your situation, I say: "If you love someone, set them free, and you're the dumbass for letting them go in the first place! And you're lucky if they even want to come back!"
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky You know, your inability to make a decision based on her ambivalent attitude towards your relationship is just as wimpy as her ambivalent attitude. You're not doing anything she's not doing. Both of you are pulling "let someone else make a decision so it's not on my shoulders" routine. You know she doesn't want to be with you long-term. You know she's not head over heels in love with you, yet you continue with the mind set that you want to force her into making a decision. Why do you want to force her into making a decision when you don't seem capable of making a decision either? Pocky: You're assuming I haven't called her to the carpet before when I have, in fact, several times. Each time I have she always responds with "I don't know, I don't know!" If I force her, she'll walk away. Remember, I love her dearly. It's not easy to walk away from someone you love. Kooky: You are not the first to tell me she doesn't deserve me. Every one of my friends have told her "Don't let him go!" Tiki: I don't want to let go, but at this point, what choice do I have?!
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