How important is physical attraction?

[Better]

I've been around the block a few times. I was married for quite some time and have been divorced for enough years to get beyond the rebound stage. Since then I have dated a few women. Most recently I was in a year and a half relationship where the physical attraction was off the charts but I knew that we wouldn't make it over the long term due to some major differences in what we were both looking for in life.

 

I recently started dating someone new. She is absolutely fantastic. We match well together, have almost all of the same interests, and I can't imagine a better emotional or intellectual fit for me. If I was to put together a list of things I was looking for in a woman, she would meet almost all of them and I really like her.

 

The problem is that I am not physically attracted to her. I try to keep myself in shape physically and that doesn't seem to be a priority for her. Despite how much fun I am having spending time with her, I haven't been able to move to the next step physically.

 

Has anyone been in this position before? I think she's a great person and I hate to break this off, but I don't know that I can get past the lack of physical attraction.

[MalachiX]

I've been around the block a few times. I was married for quite some time and have been divorced for enough years to get beyond the rebound stage. Since then I have dated a few women. Most recently I was in a year and a half relationship where the physical attraction was off the charts but I knew that we wouldn't make it over the long term due to some major differences in what we were both looking for in life.

 

I recently started dating someone new. She is absolutely fantastic. We match well together, have almost all of the same interests, and I can't imagine a better emotional or intellectual fit for me. If I was to put together a list of things I was looking for in a woman, she would meet almost all of them and I really like her.

 

The problem is that I am not physically attracted to her. I try to keep myself in shape physically and that doesn't seem to be a priority for her. Despite how much fun I am having spending time with her, I haven't been able to move to the next step physically.

 

Has anyone been in this position before? I think she's a great person and I hate to break this off, but I don't know that I can get past the lack of physical attraction.

 

I guess it depends on what's important to you. If you can't have sex with her now, when your bodies are still new an exciting, you're certainly not going to want to in a few years once the initial buzz has worn off. Are you cool with not having sex for the rest of your life (not being sarcastic here)?

 

What's also really bad is if you don't have a romantic attraction to someone. I went out with a girl who I "clicked" with. We had a lot of common interests. We had a lot of apects to our lives and personalities that made us a good fit. I also loved how kind she was and I did find her attractive (not the most attractive woman I've ever been with but she had a nice body and was cute).

 

That said, I didn't feel a romantic connection. I could get turned on by her and I loved talking to her but I never felt like a boyfriend. I stayed in the relationship for a while, thinking it would develop, but it actually got worse.

[Better]

I am absolutely not OK with not having sex for the rest of my life. I was in a sexless marriage for many, many years and finally divorced my EXW over it. I think that a physical relationship is very important for long term stability.

 

However, I do have a romantic (and intellectual) connection with this new person. It's only the physical attraction that is lacking. It's not a position that I have been in before, which is why I made the original post.

[MercuryMorrison1]

I think physical attraction is relatively important.

 

I think physical attraction is more important in the early stages of a relationship. I mean for example, if you are not physically attracted to a girl you have been dating for only a month or two, then you might find yourself fighting off temptation more often when you interact with girls you do find physically attractive.

 

I think over time physical attraction stands for less than it initially did in the early stages. As you develop feelings for someone and become emotionally attached to them, you start to love them regardless of what they look like on the outside. With that said though, I don't think it makes a person shallow to have physical requirements when dating, this applies to both men and women.

 

If your a man who doesn't find attraction in overweight women, that's just your personal preference and you shouldn't be scrutinized for it.

 

And same for women, if you as a woman don't find attraction in men who are shorter than you, its just your preference and as with men, you shouldn't be scrutinized for it.

 

We all have our likes and dislikes physically speaking.

 

This is just my take on it.

Edited October 2, 2013 by MercuryMorrison1

[FitChick]

Physical attraction separates the friends from the lovers.

[soccerrprp]

I am absolutely not OK with not having sex for the rest of my life. I was in a sexless marriage for many, many years and finally divorced my EXW over it. I think that a physical relationship is very important for long term stability.

 

However, I do have a romantic (and intellectual) connection with this new person. It's only the physical attraction that is lacking. It's not a position that I have been in before, which is why I made the original post.

 

I hear you, Better!

 

I find that, like others, the physical attraction is very important at first. But that does take secondary seat to my emotional and intellectual connection after a while. I know that the physical attributes will fade, so don't place too high of a premium on them long-term.

 

But, like I've said to my serious gf, I plan on banging her until she's 90-yrs old or until I simply cannot get it up w/ or w/o Viagra. Even, then, I hope to still be able to give her pleasure.....

[pteromom]

Since you have an intellectual and romantic connection with her, why not TRY to pursue a physical relationship, and see what happens? It could be that even though she isn't physically your type, she may be the best sex you've ever had, and you'll discover that what you find attractive expands.

 

Instead of focusing on needing a flat stomach or a certain body type to get turned on, focus on your connection and on pleasing her and letting her please you. Relax and just enjoy each other and see what happens. You may just surprise yourself.

[FitChick]

Go hiking with her, long walks, get bicycles, take tennis lessons, swimming. Hey, I've got the perfect activity: dancing lessons. Buy a series so she can't quit. Do you guys ever watch Dancing with the Stars? Start out with slow,romantic waltz type dances and then as you progress, learn newer more challenging ones. Salsa is supposed to be fun.

[Phantom888]

Physical attraction is SUPER IMPORTANT. I mean, yes people often say it's the inside that matters. But then again, if you like a person enough, that person becomes more physically attractive to you automatically. Your perspective actually changes with emotional attachment. So even if the person isn't physically attractive, she may eventually look better to you as you grow to like her more.

 

That being said, if you are sure she will not look more attractive to you later, then I suggest you end it, and move on. This is going to be an issue. Why would you settle for less than what you want? It's not fair for her either. Because looks are so subjective, I'm sure plenty of nice men would find her physically attractive.

[MalachiX]

Physical attraction separates the friends from the lovers.

 

I used to think that until I met the person who I mentioned in my last post. We were great friends, physically attracted to each other, but there was no romantic spark (at least on my end) which stopped us from ever working as lovers.

 

I've also known a woman who I was friends with, perhaps had a romantic inclination towards, but wasn't physically attracted to because she was very overweight (and thus I didn't pursue anything more than a friendship).

[deathandtaxes]

Better - just close your eyes and **** the **** out of her!

 

You don't even want to kiss her?

[white]

My experience has been that over sufficient time, the closeness, kindness and consideration of whatever the relationship is nearly always makes them physically attractive to me. Womans got to be particularly unfortunate in the looks department for me not to eventually think she's pretty. Might take a while, years. I can't explain it, they just become something else in my eyes, like I see a mirage of them - I know it's the same person but somehow now I think they're cute.

[CarrieT]

I am a dissenter to most of the others posting here, I guess.

 

I am far more turned on by emotional and intellectual pursuits and while the physical attraction is great for "chemistry," I have found that base, sexual desire rarely lasts and is not enough to build a future on.

 

In my case, I chronicled meeting a guy two years ago in this thread, whom I even indicated was "Prince Charming" and started the entire discussion with, "except I am not sexually attracted to him."

 

Now, two years later, we are engaged and, like the OP having been married before, I've been around the block and know what I want for the rest of my life.

 

I think you should give the girl a chance. If the heart and mind are there, but body can follow.

[fujidabruin]

Hey Better,

 

I really feel your dilemma here... I was in a similar situation a few relationships back and tried to forge ahead. Did not work as she could tell I was not feeling that certain chemistry that comes with the physical desire about the "hottie" in front of me. I mean she was attractive and could have launched the desire for a lot of guys, just not me. So if you have spent enough time with her to form some kind of bond, yet she has not progressed from a maybe to a "hottie" on your attraction scale... you need to ask yourself if you are settling for something less than you want in a relationship? Are you OK with that? Would you go with a FWB offer?

 

Another consideration is you have to be respectful of her situation too. If she is in it for a LTR then you may need to be tactful but discuss things openly. I made the mistake of thinking I was taking the "high road" by denying that the physical attraction thing could be overlooked, but it was really kind of inconsiderate on my part, since she thought and deserved to feel like she was the whole package for me.

 

My lesson learned, I want the whole package and will not settle...

 

Good Luck dude

[NoMoreJerks]

honestly, to answer your question (in the thread title) not a WHOLE lot. I really get carried away by personality and ability to engage in fun, intelligent conversations and a good sense of humor. And it's more about how a guy carries himself and behaves with me (i.e. classy) that makes me like him a lot, and not so much his looks. I don't have to think he's drop dead gorgeous or feel attracted to him so much that i would want to drop my knickers for him right away. he asked me out, paid for my meals, held my coat for me so I could put it on, etc. He wasn't handsome. He was short, and skinny, and I would probably not have gone out with him if he hadn't compensated for that with his fun personality.

 

If you're not attracted to someone physically, even though you click on other levels, well, first i wouldn't force it -- but maybe you really aren't clicking on a personality level as much as you think you are? or maybe re-evaluate why you attach so much deal-breaking importance to someone's looks.

 

I don't know. I used to be like this, and that's why I kept falling for handsome men who kept treating me like sh*t (because they knew they had plenty of options since they were goodlooking and since they knew i had fallen for their looks). you can always re-evaluate your priorities and change the way you view people.

 

i don't believe in the spark btw. i do believe in mutual attraction, but not the fireworks/spark thing. sometimes people get carried away with that concept of the spark which makes them incapable of appreciating something because it falls short of their expectation of what a spark might look like.

 

(edit: i don't think you should settle for this person if you really don't feel it though.. especially if this is a case of her not taking ccare of her looks. it's one thing to not be super-hot/goodlooking, it's another not to take care of oneself/one's looks).

Edited October 2, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Phantom888]

Looks are really subjective anyway, so it's important that your partner is attractive to YOU. Physical attraction goes with sexual attraction. Emotional and intellectual compatibility will intensify the physical and sexual attraction.

 

I think my woman is extremely beautiful, but the more I got to know her, the more I think she is BEYOND beautiful. I mean, she takes the "blonde-blue-eyes" to a whole new level!!! But I know I am biased because I am so deeply in love with her.

 

Just the other day when we were at a bar waiting for a movie to start, she commented on how incredibly handsome I am. To me, that is somewhat strange because I don't see myself like that. I mean, I am kinda cute, but I never considered myself GQ or anything. Then she told me she used to date guys who were more "plain" looking because the hot guys were conceited and so full of themselves. She says I'm the first "hot" guy she has ever seriously dated, and her co-workers envy her. I gave her a skeptical look, and she says "I can't believe you don't know that you're good-looking...like you never looked at a mirror...." Well, I'm glad she thinks I'm "hot", that's all that matters to me. I know she is biased too. It's all good.

[KatZee]

Physical attraction separates the friends from the lovers.

 

Absolutely this.

 

In my world, physical attraction is very important. If I don't find a guy attractive in any way, we're not dating. I don't care how nice he is, how great he may be... I can't force myself to feel desire for someone I don't find attractive. Sure, I'll be friends with you, but anything else is off the table.

 

In MY experience, time does not make people more attractive to me either. Years ago, after being burned a few times but idiots, I decided to give this guy a chance. I didn't find him attractive at all. However we had become friends, we had fun together, and I decided to just go with it, try something new and give him a chance.

 

What ultimately happened and long story short-- I never grew to become attracted to him. I actually started to resent him. After a while mere hand holding became too much of an obligation for me. I saw him as a brother, a best friend figure, but nothing more. The more I tried to force it, the worse it was.

 

I definitely have wound up with some doozies acting on attraction but there needs to be SOMETHING I find desirable about you. I learned from that relationship that I will never be with someone I don't find attractive again. It's not fair. Not to you, and most certainly not to the other person. I'm sure if she knew you didn't find her attractive she'd be devastated. People want to be desired. She should be with someone who respects her, and who at the same time wants to rip all her clothes off.

 

Plus, it's also super obvious when one person isn't attracted to the other. My general behavior around people I'm attracted to is to be very physically affectionate, all up in their space, cute, flirty, etc. If I'm not attracted, I'm a complete ice queen. I can't force something like that... and my ex knew this. He once flat out asked me, "Are you even attracted to me?" It was pretty bad.

Edited October 3, 2013 by KatZee

[Leigh 87]

It's important to feel sexual chemistry. However, this chemistry and sexual chemistry can develop at varying times.

 

I have developed instant chemistry from the instant I saw my current boyfriend; we had spoken a lot via phone and text and there was just something about him. When I met, we instantly had that urge to kiss and cuddle non stop.

 

On the other hand, my ex boyfriend of almost 3 years and I did NOT have instant sexual tension or chemistry. In fact, while he found me " hot" due to my thin/curvy. gym toned body, he did not think I was that attractive. I didn't find him attractive, either.

We ended up becoming more attracted to each other as we grew to love each other. The sex was great.

 

I never think he truly craved me the way a guy does when he is truly in love and utterly attracted to a woman, though.

 

It takes me between: the instant a guy and I meet, or within the first few hours of hanging out and talking, right through to DAYS spent together before I feel hot for them sexually.

 

I personally prefer the fairy tale instant "spark" where you both instantly fall for each other in a way (though I KNOW it is instant and NOT an indication of compatibility).

 

Just remember that many people do take time to grow physically and sexually attracted to their partners.

 

It is just not for me.

 

And as others here have speculated, often times you CAN'T feign attraction. It cannot be created necessarily over time, irrespective of HOW amazing the person is.

 

Sometimes it works; waiting for physical and sexual attraction to develop.

 

Please try to determine the difference between the times you CAN wait around for sexual attraction to develop, and the times where it just can't ever happen for you.....

 

And yes, I tend to KNOW when a guy is not that into me physically. It is not pleasant, though some women accept that their guy is not that attracted to them initially and the attraction therefore must grow from NOTHING, to the guy thinking the girl in question is utterly beautiful to them.

[DemetersHarvest]

I've been around the block a few times. I was married for quite some time and have been divorced for enough years to get beyond the rebound stage. Since then I have dated a few women. Most recently I was in a year and a half relationship where the physical attraction was off the charts but I knew that we wouldn't make it over the long term due to some major differences in what we were both looking for in life.

 

I recently started dating someone new. She is absolutely fantastic. We match well together, have almost all of the same interests, and I can't imagine a better emotional or intellectual fit for me. If I was to put together a list of things I was looking for in a woman, she would meet almost all of them and I really like her.

 

The problem is that I am not physically attracted to her. I try to keep myself in shape physically and that doesn't seem to be a priority for her. Despite how much fun I am having spending time with her, I haven't been able to move to the next step physically.

 

Has anyone been in this position before? I think she's a great person and I hate to break this off, but I don't know that I can get past the lack of physical attraction.

 

As someone on the receiving end of this, I just wanted to weigh in.

 

Do her a favor, and let her go, if you're convinced she is not changing her ways. Give her the opportunity to be found by someone who is into the whole package, or for whom physical attraction takes a backseat over all her other great traits.

 

However, you said you just started dating her, so I wonder how much you really know about her. I'm overweight, and could fit your lady to a T, but there's history for me, and I have lost quite a bit of weight, and intent to continue doing so, without filling a potential date in on my plans. It would sound defensive, IMO. As a result, I get friend-zoned. Their loss. Physical attributes can change, in either direction, for either of you. One last thing, have you tried inviting her to your activities?

[Brown-Eyez]

Looks are really subjective anyway, so it's important that your partner is attractive to YOU. Physical attraction goes with sexual attraction. Emotional and intellectual compatibility will intensify the physical and sexual attraction.

 

I think my woman is extremely beautiful, but the more I got to know her, the more I think she is BEYOND beautiful. I mean, she takes the "blonde-blue-eyes" to a whole new level!!! But I know I am biased because I am so deeply in love with her.

 

Just the other day when we were at a bar waiting for a movie to start, she commented on how incredibly handsome I am. To me, that is somewhat strange because I don't see myself like that. I mean, I am kinda cute, but I never considered myself GQ or anything. Then she told me she used to date guys who were more "plain" looking because the hot guys were conceited and so full of themselves. She says I'm the first "hot" guy she has ever seriously dated, and her co-workers envy her. I gave her a skeptical look, and she says "I can't believe you don't know that you're good-looking...like you never looked at a mirror...." Well, I'm glad she thinks I'm "hot", that's all that matters to me. I know she is biased too. It's all good.

 

 

awww this ^^ just made my day