I may have met Prince Charming...

[CarrieT]

... except I'm not that sexually attracted to him.

 

After the debacle of the guy I waited almost four months for, I put myself out there to meet a potential LTR/Dom. As usual, I throw the net wide and talk to a lot of guys. Several are still on the hook and want to meet.

 

But two weeks ago, I started talking to "A" because his profile was rather similar to mine; wants a long-term relationship, is into the arts and travel, etc. For more than two weeks, we talk nightly for upwards of two and three hours a stretch. And the talk is only occasionally about sex. He is an eye surgeon who speaks a dozen languages, has season tickets to the opera, has read the same classic books that I have, knows the same obscure artists. He sings in a Russian choir and took an artistic sabbatical to learn to blow glass. He is donating time to the Occupy Wall Street to help them get medical care and serves on several non-profit boards.

 

The two big obstacles was the distance - a two-hour drive plus the fact that he has three children (9, 11, and 13) which doesn't thrill me. But I am also pragmatic that I am not meeting men my age without kids. Or they are like the guy in the other thread who is closer to 60 and whose children are fully grown.

 

"A" and I have a first date last Friday night. He takes me to a local art museum that stays open late and has live music (Spanish guitar). We make out a little in the sculpture garden under the moon and there is no immediate spark of physical chemistry, but the conversation is mind-blowingly fabulous. He then takes me to the best sushi restaurant in town. A second date, two days later had us on a cruise ship in the San Francisco harbor, watching the Blue Angels.

 

The things that turn me on are stuff like his translating the kanji on a Japanese coffee maker, how he describes the beauty of my eye through his scientific knowledge, all the intellectual, geeky things... And so I invite him over for a dinner and our first "sleep over" last night. I cook him dinner and begin to serve when that OTHER GUY calls; first time in almost a month. I don't answer the phone and, in fact, I even show it to "A" and laugh that he is too late!

 

We spend the time and do the deed and it is less than spectacular. "A" is considerably furrier than I care for and a bit too gentle. I didn't have an orgasm but that's okay; I know it takes time to learn someone's body and he is more than attentive and thrilled with me; hearkening my body to that of a 33-year old. I get flowers at work the next day and texts all afternoon at how giddy he is. I am extraordinary and he's never met anyone like me - how astonishing it is that we are such a perfect match... I am the perfect woman for him, etc.

 

And yet I think about "D" who physically turns me on more - and barely talks to me... Or any of the other potentials that I have yet to meet. I suppose that is GIGS. If I am willing to get over the children aspect, this is a man who is as close to everything I have ever wanted in a partner. I can probably teach him to give me an orgasm and he does all the other kinky stuff I like anyway. He is not unattractive, just normal looking and somewhat plain.

 

I wish I weren't so apathetic and to move forward, I need to talk to him more. It is his brain that excites me anyway. I'm just putting this out there for insight and to help clear my thoughts.

[oaks]

... except I'm not that sexually attracted to him.

 

I don't think I could make out in the sculpture garden in moonlight if I wasn't sexually attracted to the person, or the other things, but this is about you not me. From your other posts I suspect that sexual chemistry is something that you'll need in a relationship, so cut your losses and move on.

[Ruby Slippers]

I say less talk, more fun. Get out there and have some fun with him for a while and see if your attraction grows. Give it a chance. You might be surprised. And no matter what, I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time with him, whether you are in each other's life for weeks or years.

[DepressedinDenver]

I think all guys should strive for being the sexual attraction magnet. The non attentive type. Because being the stable attentive dude doesnt do anything for woman. If you are not in their head then you are nothing to them. Ask my ex wife. Well technically still wife but yeah.

[Imageiko]

Does it have anything to do with the fact that this guy is very interested and showing it compared to the other one who doesn't give you the time of day?

[Kaplan]

You never said why you aren't attracted to him. Is it his looks? Is he fugly? Or were you just talking about his fuzziness and inability to please you?

[norajane]

the conversation is mind-blowingly fabulous.

 

THIS will make all the pieces fall into place with him. Give it time and an open mind, and you'll soon be hot for this guy. If your mind is stimulated by him, the rest of you will soon follow.

[Hot Chick]

I guess if I wasn't that attracted to a guy to the point I didn't even like making out with him, I surely wouldn't end up in bed with him so soon. That seems gross to me.

I know you're going to say "well I had to sleep with him in order to findout if there's chemistry with him" that is not true because you didn't feel the sexual spark before, then you went ahead and had sex with him.

It seems like a disrespect to yourself and your body to allow a guy you're not feeling a sexual spark with to have sex with you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

THIS will make all the pieces fall into place with him. Give it time and an open mind, and you'll soon be hot for this guy. If your mind is stimulated by him, the rest of you will soon follow.

 

I agree 100% with this.

[christine393]

Attraction CAN grow. A spark can be ignited! But if you can't laugh with someone and be intellectually stimulated, you have no future.

[laotzu]

Does it have anything to do with the fact that this guy is very interested and showing it compared to the other one who doesn't give you the time of day?

 

+1

 

He's made him self available and indicated his interest, and you know that "you have him". The unknown, to some people, is far more exciting - and I'm often one of those people.

 

You should give this one a chance, unless it's really a lost cause. He's trying to impress you, which you find unimpressive. My guess is that eventually he'll become less available to you, and you'll become more interested.

[thatone]

consider the fact that when/if this one is gone, there won't likely be another one like him.

 

the meat market that is the dating world teaches hard lessons like that over time .

[Dusk1983]

+1

 

The unknown, to some people, is far more exciting

 

eventually he'll become less available to you, and you'll become more interested.

 

There it is again, this 'excitement' thing.

 

If I want excitement I can get it from a rollercoaster, a football game, a loud concert, or an action film. With people, I want a genuine connection - physical, emotional and intellectual.

 

Men don't have a constant need to be 'excited'. Women and children do. And I'm speaking as a guy that definitely would come under your bracket of an 'unavailable' and 'unpredictable' guy.

 

What's funny is that being like this - unintentionally in my case - has helped me with women my whole life, despite that fact if I myself have absolutely NO need for a woman to be 'unknown' or 'unavailable' for ME to remain interested in HER. I guess that's because I'm an adult.

[Dusk1983]

double post

[laotzu]

There it is again, this 'excitement' thing.

 

If I want excitement I can get it from a rollercoaster, a football game, a loud concert, or an action film. With people, I want a genuine connection - physical, emotional and intellectual.

 

Men don't have a constant need to be 'excited'. Women and children do. And I'm speaking as a guy that definitely would come under your bracket of an 'unavailable' and 'unpredictable' guy.

 

What's funny is that being like this - unintentionally in my case - has helped me with women my whole life, despite that fact if I myself have absolutely NO need for a woman to be 'unknown' or 'unavailable' for ME to remain interested in HER. I guess that's because I'm an adult.

 

Seizing on a single noun to make some sort of broad point is a little bit of a stretch, particularly by indicating that a roller coast is excitement (to me, it's not) and a "genuine connection" isn't exciting (to me, it is). Excitement, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

 

But yes, I'll bite: I do want excitement in my relationship. And I want the other stuff, too - it's certainly not mutually exclusive to want excitement and want, say, compassion and intellectual stimulation as well.

[CarrieT]

To answer the many questions...

 

I am giving up multi-dating and devoting attention to building this relationship.

 

He is not fugly - just incredibly average to the point of being nondescript. I am less concerned about his looks than the sexual chemistry and am a firm believer that anything can be taught. I am more experienced than he is in many regards so it will simply take some time and patience for me to teach him.

 

In other regards for a D/s relationship, he is more experienced and I will learn from him. There are a lot of D/s relationships which are ONLY based on the kink and I am counting myself lucky that we connect on so many other levels than the kink. The sex part can be learned.

 

Believe me, the intellectual stimulation IS exciting for me. I am an admitted snob and geek; someone that has the same vanilla interests and entices my mind becomes a turn-on. I know that the immediate chemistry that "D" offered is illusive and never lasts so the fact that I didn't have that spark with "A" is fine; it can grow and expand as we get to know each other.

[OliveOyl]

I would agree with the "continue on and give the attraction a chance to develop" theme.

 

However, also be willing to cut the ties if the attraction doesn't grow over time. You can have scintillating conversation with many people. You only want to have sex with one.

 

With my BF, I would say it developed almost the opposite way from your new guy. The physical/sexual chemistry was strong and obvious (It wasn't so much how he looked, but how he kissed/smelled/felt/****ed). The intellectual seemed a bit lacking at first compared to what I was used to. But I decided to give it a chance and he's turned out to be a warm, wise, very loving guy and things have been going quite well over the last six months. I will be honest though, the physical chemistry is what made me stick with him long enough to get to know him and realize he's worth it.

 

For you, perhaps the deep intellectual spark will have the same draw. If things go well, the sex will probably get even better as you find yourself falling for him.

[Cee]

Carrie, I look forward to hearing this story unfold. Enjoy getting to know him. I'd say it's time well spent. Far better than those 4 months with that other guy. Something wasn't quite right with him.

[Stung]

Carrie, I look forward to hearing this story unfold. Enjoy getting to know him. I'd say it's time well spent. Far better than those 4 months with that other guy. Something wasn't quite right with him.

 

I'm on board with this. He sounds very interesting, I think you should linger over him, explore this path a little further and see where it leads.

[Els]

THIS will make all the pieces fall into place with him. Give it time and an open mind, and you'll soon be hot for this guy. If your mind is stimulated by him, the rest of you will soon follow.

 

This.

 

Good luck, Carrie! Rooting for you guys.

[CarrieT]

Our schedules have kept us from seeing each other but the late-night (post getting the kids to bed) conversations have been HOURS. Last night alone, we talked for over three hours. I don't think I ever had three hours worth of conversation in my four months with "that other guy."

 

We text throughout the day (something unusual for me in any relationship) and are planning a weekend getaway at the beginning of next month.

 

I realize that a huge amount of my attraction towards him is the fact that I genuinely respect him; something that has been missing from my past relationships. As a doctor, he is donating time to get free medical service to the Occupy Wall Street protesters and serves on the board of several other non-profits. It is using one's skills and assets to the benefit of others which is new for me to see in a potential partner that causes me to admire him so much in that regard.

 

Much of our late-night phone calls have been a lot of Full Disclosure on our past and as many on this site know, my past is *very* checkered and voluminous. None of that has mattered; he has been beyond understanding in how and why things have happened to me and the thought processes behind decisions I have made in my life. It is delightfully refreshing and encouraging.

 

We are very much on the same page with the speed at which we are moving = our current schedule through the holidays and the possibility of me meeting his children after four to six months.

 

There is an assumption in our discussions that we are both in this for the long haul and that is an odd sense of comfort which is very weird and unlike anything I've ever experienced.

[denise_xo]

Oh, that sounds really good, Carrie. Hope it keeps going well

[FitChick]

I think all guys should strive for being the sexual attraction magnet. The non attentive type. Because being the stable attentive dude doesnt do anything for woman. If you are not in their head then you are nothing to them.

 

Bizarre thinking. I suppose women with low self-esteem go for that type because they don't believe they deserve love and attention. Sad. If someone isn't "the stable attentive dude" I find someone else who is.

[Star Gazer]

I'm on board with this. He sounds very interesting, I think you should linger over him, explore this path a little further and see where it leads.

 

Seconded!!!

[CarrieT]

I thought I would post an update on how things are progressing with "A."

 

Although our physical time together has been extremely limited, the phone calls and texts are extensive and the intellectual and emotional connection is definitely growing in intensity.

 

As I am learning, he is everything I have ever wanted in a potential partner - essentially a Frasier without the pretentiousness; a male counterpart to me only more intelligent and successful than I am. And he is a Dominant to my submissive.

 

Every day reveals some new wondrous connection and mutual interest and it will be quite easy for me to fall in love - although I am not sure yet if I am falling in love with HIM or the IDEA of him and that which I have always desired. I am astounded by his breadth of knowledge in bizarre and expansive topics as our lengthy phone calls build a true compatible meeting of the minds. Our talks range from obscure Roman stoic philosophers to Russian literature, from French poetry to ancient cookbooks. We constantly marvel at how amazing we both are for each other. He is understanding and not remotely judgmental about my past and finds me exceptional, being everything he has ever wanted in a woman.

 

We will be having another physical encounter this coming week (our second) and I believe that as our intellect and emotional connection builds, that the sexual aspects which was of concern to me will diminish - at least that is a hope.

 

The most disturbing thread in this tapestry of happiness has been the recurrence of "D" during the most inanely inappropriate times. When "A" came over for our first sleep-over, "D" called during dinner. I texted "D" and told him that I appreciated his call but was seeing someone else. A week later, when "A" and I were attending a political function, "D" texted again and wished me the best, was sorry our timing didn't work out, and hoped He would be good for me that I deserved it. Lastly, this very morning during a heartfelt phone call with "A," another text from "D" appeared, hoping I was well, wondering about my current state, and hoping to see me to fix our bad timing.

 

Of course the sexual desire for "D" still exists, but having been treated to badly by him -- and being treated so well by "A" -- makes it much easier to do what I need to do, but not without some longing desire.