Need brutal honesty

[gothicrose]

No I can control my actions, I chose not to as I thought my way was best.

 

Which is why I know I need to go nc and get to the point where I'm not bothered whether he wants me or not.

 

I think really all I was trying to do was avoid the pain of knowing its over for good.

 

Now I'm starting on the road to accepting that...although it will be a long journey, excuse the cliches, I KNOW I won't be going over there unannounced anymore. Can't promise any more than that right now, but I think its a start.

 

Although..is there really no chance the feelings he said might still be there under the hurt and anger? Not romantic feelings but slight friendly ones that could be built on in the future?

 

Only asking as there is that bit of hope, I know itl probably disappear but please answer anyway as I'd like to know.

[Minneloa]

No I can control my actions, I chose not to as I thought my way was best.

 

Which is why I know I need to go nc and get to the point where I'm not bothered whether he wants me or not.

 

I think really all I was trying to do was avoid the pain of knowing its over for good.

 

Now I'm starting on the road to accepting that...although it will be a long journey, excuse the cliches, I KNOW I won't be going over there unannounced anymore. Can't promise any more than that right now, but I think its a start.

 

Although..is there really no chance the feelings he said might still be there under the hurt and anger? Not romantic feelings but slight friendly ones that could be built on in the future?

 

Only asking as there is that bit of hope, I know itl probably disappear but please answer anyway as I'd like to know.

 

Until you stop asking this question, you are not ready to move forward.

[Janesays]

I think he lied and said he had feelings for you because he'as afraid of you.

 

Heck, I'M afraid of you.

 

If you don't leave this man alone, you're going to end up with a restraining order.

 

I shudder to think how you'll fly off the handle if this poor guy gets a girlfriend. Seek professional help before you boil her pet bunny or try to run her down in your car.

 

This guy is speaking with utter desperation to get you to leave him alone forever and you're too insane to listen. Scary scary scary.

[gothicrose]

OK let's just get something straight...

 

This guy is 59. He should have had the balls to be completely straight the entire way through, especially when he realised I wasnt taking the hint. Sleeping with me and telling me the stuff about feelings off and on didn't help at all.

 

I went to his house,yes, but he could easily have not answered the door. Its what I do when someone I don't want to see turns up!

 

He works literally 2 minutes from my front door, has certain routines on certain days that he follows to the second (that he told me about while we were together) nd has martial arts 5 minutes from my house on a Friday evening.

If I wanted to stalk him...if I was that way inclined, I could.

 

I'm not saying the above are normal at all...just making the point that while I went to his house a few times, I'm not a stalker.

 

Same goes for the texting and calling...I did have a problem with it,I'd ask him over and if he didn't reply or said no I'd text and text...last Friday I asked him over and he didn't reply, so I didn't bother contacting him again...until yesterday obviously I AM trying and working on one thing at a time.

 

I know he will meet someone else soon and if I ever find out about it through the grapevine, I will try and be happy for him.

 

I want him to be happy and just gutted that all I did was make his life hell.

[jimloveslips]

Heck, I'M afraid of you.

 

Yeah, I can't do this thread anymore, my nerves are frayed...

[BC1980]

OK let's just get something straight...

 

This guy is 59. He should have had the balls to be completely straight the entire way through, especially when he realised I wasnt taking the hint. Sleeping with me and telling me the stuff about feelings off and on didn't help at all.

 

I went to his house,yes, but he could easily have not answered the door. Its what I do when someone I don't want to see turns up!

 

He works literally 2 minutes from my front door, has certain routines on certain days that he follows to the second (that he told me about while we were together) nd has martial arts 5 minutes from my house on a Friday evening.

If I wanted to stalk him...if I was that way inclined, I could.

 

I'm not saying the above are normal at all...just making the point that while I went to his house a few times, I'm not a stalker.

 

Same goes for the texting and calling...I did have a problem with it,I'd ask him over and if he didn't reply or said no I'd text and text...last Friday I asked him over and he didn't reply, so I didn't bother contacting him again...until yesterday obviously I AM trying and working on one thing at a time.

 

I know he will meet someone else soon and if I ever find out about it through the grapevine, I will try and be happy for him.

 

I want him to be happy and just gutted that all I did was make his life hell.

 

It doesn't matter what he should have had the balls to do. You alone are responsible for your emotional well being. You are well beyond the point of being able to lay any of nthis at his doorstep. People say stuff all the time to get the benefits of a relationship, be it sex, money, companionship when they never have intentions of commitment. Once you see these red flags, it's time to exit the relationship.

 

This guy gave you plenty of red flags and flat out told you he wasn't interested. Yet you chose to ignore the reality, so yiu are to blame for the mess you are in. All of these questions and debating his actions are of no consequence because the answers lie within you.

[lylat333]

I showed up at my ex's house unannounced towards the end, but I knew she would be home getting ready for work and I thought she was going to be happy to see me after I was gone on vacation. I bombarded her with texts and calls the night before, the night of her birthday... those annoyed her but she still seemed happy to see me and thanked me for coming by.

 

When things started to turn and she ignored one of my messages... I had to hardcore fight the desire to show up to her work parking lot when she got off or come up to her house. To me it didn't seem like that big of a deal to show up (I thought it would show how much I cared) but I listened to the advice of a friend of mine and a mutual friend of my ex who said it was a bad idea. But I know what you may be thinking, gothicrose... they will on some level like the attention, right?

 

But picture how you would feel if someone you weren't interested in or happy with kept calling, texting you or showing up unannounced. You're trying to eat your dinner or relax and this person shows up rehashing the same things over and over again... wouldn't you want them out of your hair? And if they don't seem to be listening, you're thinking, "What do I have to do or say to get this person to leave me alone?"

 

You are in that place where you see one thing and everyone else sees another. No one is going to tell you it's a good idea to keep going down the road you have been and there are very good reasons for that. We're concerned about your child, your well-being... we would love to see you get away from this situation. I mean get. away. Trying to be friends or get in a relationship with this guy is horrible! I said it before... you do not need him to validate you - YOU validate you by not associating with this guy and it will lead to better things than you thought possible.

[Janesays]

The fact that you don't see what you're doing as stalking and are actually blaming the victim (it's his fault for answering the door!?!?) is the scariest part of all.

 

You belong in jail or an institution. Real talk.

[stillafool]

Here's the brutal honest truth:

 

OP I have to say I can't blame this guy one bit for not wanting to be bothered with you. You cannot take NO for an answer can you? This man does not want you and has made it completely clear to you. Even a girl in the 3rd grade would have gotten the message by now. He has told you time and time again to leave him alone and you can't stop yourself from running after him and looking like a complete and utter fool. Of course he has no respect for you. I don't blame him. He has told you he could beat and rape you and even that won't back you up. The only reason he is giving you any attention at all is because when sex is 'laid out on a silver platter' for a man he will sometimes eat even though the meal is not tasty anymore. He only told you to give him 2 weeks hoping you would get the message that it's over by that time. You didn't and even if he wrote it out in black and white you still wouldn't accept it. No he cannot be your friend because for you two to be friends you cannot be in love with him. Would you be okay if he talks to you about the new women he will be dating? I don't think you can but this is what friends do. Talk about their love interests. He will move on and start dating another woman and I hope you don't show up at his house and make yourself look even more foolish than you do now. Please, please get professional help to find out why you are so, so needy.

[gothicrose]

As I said...and this isn't me blaming him at all...but he made such a big deal when we were together about how he felt in love with me so soon, was ready to move in and then I messed it up by pushing him away and messing him around, even after we split kept asking why if he knew it was over did he not want to let go completely...keep doing all the romeo and Juliet type lines of "but whyyy can't I love you...whats stopping me?" and saying he thought he did still love me about a month ago after I turned up at his place unannounced one time.

 

I suppose because of all that...I was thinking maybe there was actual love there as he kept trying for so long, it must mean something right? Even the other week he said that the positive things I made him feel were unlike anything he's said before...

 

But now I realise (and I only finally started to believe this today), it was all breadcrumbs.

 

I think because it was literally 50/50 how he would react when I turned up at his place unannounced...half the time he was pissed off and cold and the other half he smiled, pulled me into a hug, kissed me and tried to reassure me he understood whatever it was I was trying to tell him at the time, I thought that must mean there were feelings there because otherwise he'd have been annoyed every time I went there.

Looking back on it today, I can see that the times he was nice and telling me he had feelings, were when he wanted sex. As at the same time as telling me he had feelings he would be kissing me and trying to escalate things.

 

Again, I'm not trying to justify my behaviour or blame him, I realise I was deluding myself because I didn't want him to have been using me. That's why I wanted to be friends in future I suppose, to prove to myself he did genuinely care about me as a person.

 

Last night I said it wasn't fair of him to use me for sex those times but tell me he had feelings, and he said "but I never wanted to use you for sex...the sex was crap as you kept stopping and didnt enjoy it so why would I have been saying those things to get sex?"

 

That confused me too...hence my post earlier asking if there might be feelings there on some level.

 

But anyway.

[Minneloa]

Here's the brutal honest truth:

 

Please, please get professional help to find out why you are so, so needy.

 

Yes, and to learn how to control your impulses and manage your anxiety about relationships.

[Zahara]

Please love me. Love me please. Why won't you love me? Don't you love me? Will you love me in time? Maybe in time you can try to love me? Love me please. Why won't you love me? FFS.

 

It's exhausting to a man that doesn't feel the same way you do.

 

It's humiliating on your part to keep begging for someone to love you.

 

It doesn't make a man want you more, it turns him off. It's tires him. It drains him emotionally. The only thing he will want to do is keep you away.

 

The man is not accountable for your behavior. You are. You have had enough signs that he isn't interested but just because he opens the door, it's his fault for leading you on, just because he says and does certain things, it's his fault for leading you on. The man has also said many times he is not interested in you that way but that goes right through your skull, exits and is forgotten. You only hold on to what you want to hear and you run full force with it.

 

I keep saying, step back and think. You let your emotions motivate you and drive you. When you were slapping lipstick to go see him, and your gut kept saying it's the wrong thing to do, listen to it. Your brain is telling you what to do. You have to listen to it.

[gothicrose]

Here's the brutal honest truth:

 

OP I have to say I can't blame this guy one bit for not wanting to be bothered with you. You cannot take NO for an answer can you? This man does not want you and has made it completely clear to you. Even a girl in the 3rd grade would have gotten the message by now. He has told you time and time again to leave him alone and you can't stop yourself from running after him and looking like a complete and utter fool. Of course he has no respect for you. I don't blame him. He has told you he could beat and rape you and even that won't back you up. The only reason he is giving you any attention at all is because when sex is 'laid out on a silver platter' for a man he will sometimes eat even though the meal is not tasty anymore. He only told you to give him 2 weeks hoping you would get the message that it's over by that time. You didn't and even if he wrote it out in black and white you still wouldn't accept it. No he cannot be your friend because for you two to be friends you cannot be in love with him. Would you be okay if he talks to you about the new women he will be dating? I don't think you can but this is what friends do. Talk about their love interests. He will move on and start dating another woman and I hope you don't show up at his house and make yourself look even more foolish than you do now. Please, please get professional help to find out why you are so, so needy.

 

Can't edit the quote, sorry.

 

The bit about sex...the reason I wanted to believe he wasn't just taking it when it was offered was because all the way along he swore blind that he never has and never could have sex outside of a relationship or dating scenario. It had to be leading towards long term for him to have sex with a woman "or it would destroy me and everything I stand for".

 

And I wanted to believe him.

[Minneloa]

As I said...and this isn't me blaming him at all...but he made such a big deal when we were together about how he felt in love with me so soon, was ready to move in and then I messed it up by pushing him away and messing him around, even after we split kept asking why if he knew it was over did he not want to let go completely...keep doing all the romeo and Juliet type lines of "but whyyy can't I love you...whats stopping me?" and saying he thought he did still love me about a month ago after I turned up at his place unannounced one time.

 

I suppose because of all that...I was thinking maybe there was actual love there as he kept trying for so long, it must mean something right? Even the other week he said that the positive things I made him feel were unlike anything he's said before...

 

But now I realise (and I only finally started to believe this today), it was all breadcrumbs.

 

I think because it was literally 50/50 how he would react when I turned up at his place unannounced...half the time he was pissed off and cold and the other half he smiled, pulled me into a hug, kissed me and tried to reassure me he understood whatever it was I was trying to tell him at the time, I thought that must mean there were feelings there because otherwise he'd have been annoyed every time I went there.

Looking back on it today, I can see that the times he was nice and telling me he had feelings, were when he wanted sex. As at the same time as telling me he had feelings he would be kissing me and trying to escalate things.

 

Again, I'm not trying to justify my behaviour or blame him, I realise I was deluding myself because I didn't want him to have been using me. That's why I wanted to be friends in future I suppose, to prove to myself he did genuinely care about me as a person.

 

Last night I said it wasn't fair of him to use me for sex those times but tell me he had feelings, and he said "but I never wanted to use you for sex...the sex was crap as you kept stopping and didnt enjoy it so why would I have been saying those things to get sex?"

 

That confused me too...hence my post earlier asking if there might be feelings there on some level.

 

But anyway.

 

All of this rehash is futile. Use this mental and emotional energy on your forward movement. Pick up the phone right now and make an appointment to see a therapist. You really need help in shifting the focus to yourself instead of him. This is NOT about him, what he said, what he did, what he meant, etc. IT IS ABOUT YOU.

[Zahara]

There's one thing you need to realize. People will say whatever it is they need to say, whether to feed you lines to get what they want, it could be at that very moment, it was the right thing to say or at least they truly felt that way.

 

But when you start to see red flags, and words and actions aren't consistent anymore, the then and now don't match, behavior starts to hurt you, throw all of what was said in the past and focus on what you have right in front of you at that moment.

 

If the past were all genuine and true, there would be consistency. If there isn't and consistency, pay attention to the red flags. It's there for a reason.

 

The thing with you is that no matter how much you were getting beat on the head, you kept holding on to the past.

[gothicrose]

I know Zahara.

 

As I said, all the way through he gave his excuses for being "confused" as him being broken, hurt from past relationships, needing time to think, worried about others' reactions and then last night when he said that if I'd just given him the two weeks to get his course done around the 21st sept, he'd have come and seen me afterwards and we might have had a chance at being friends.

 

So in my mind when he said it I thought that once he had calmed down and got space, we might be able to start again properly as friends.

 

But I know I have to just deal with the fact that I ruined it...whether it was three weeks ago or three months ago. My own stupid fault.

[happyme]

Apologies in advance for the blunt nature of the following, but nothing has helped so far.

 

Gothicrose, get some self-respect. You are stalking this guy, and you're going to get yourself AND YOUR CHILDREN into some deep, deep doodoos if YOU don't make some changes.

 

Get help, professional help from a qualified source, and do it quick. That is your only hope, as I see it. If you don't do this... read above.

 

Consider your children.

[Zahara]

First of all, there is no way you both can be friends. Maybe after much time has passed, but by then you won't even care to know about him because your emotions would have changed. And if you both became friends, it would be a real friendship with no motive. You wanted a friendship so that you could still have a way into his heart.

 

So, scrap the friends because it would have hurt you more if he came back.

 

If you had a relationship with this guy, the fact that he is telling you he is broken, is a red flag because broken men don't get fixed because you love them. They stay broken. The only way they get fixed or even have a chance at getting fixed is to do the work themselves.

 

So, friends or relationship, this would have been detrimental to you.

 

This is why you need to move on and leave him behind. You need to focus on yourself and fix you. You aren't good for anyone until you're able to figure yourself out.

[gothicrose]

Zahara - this is the thing; (I do get what you're saying by the way) - last night he said that he tried so hard for so long, because he genuinely liked me and wanted to give me a chance to change.

Then he said the thing about how if I had given him that two weeks (which was meant to last until last week) we would have had a chance.

 

That made me feel worse...seeing as he had said back in June that I had to leave him alone/he had no feelings and the next week changed his mind. That's why when he said it again last night I was thinking that he might have just been saying it to get some space for a while (as he did say last Thurs that the only time he's lied to me is when he's said he hasn't got feelings...I assumed that was the case again last night).

Then when I said that, he said "yes I was being genuine last Thursday but then you've hassled me again and the final feelings have gone".

[gothicrose]

First of all, there is no way you both can be friends. Maybe after much time has passed, but by then you won't even care to know about him because your emotions would have changed. And if you both became friends, it would be a real friendship with no motive. You wanted a friendship so that you could still have a way into his heart.

 

So, scrap the friends because it would have hurt you more if he came back.

 

If you had a relationship with this guy, the fact that he is telling you he is broken, is a red flag because broken men don't get fixed because you love them. They stay broken. The only way they get fixed or even have a chance at getting fixed is to do the work themselves.

 

So, friends or relationship, this would have been detrimental to you.

 

This is why you need to move on and leave him behind. You need to focus on yourself and fix you. You aren't good for anyone until you're able to figure yourself out.

 

He said he was broken and needed 6 months or maybe more to heal. All I wanted short term was to be able to text sometimes, maybe meet up for coffee occasionally but no physical stuff, then if and when he felt ready to start looking to be in a relationship again, I might have a chance.

[Zahara]

Zahara - this is the thing; (I do get what you're saying by the way) - last night he said that he tried so hard for so long, because he genuinely liked me and wanted to give me a chance to change.

Then he said the thing about how if I had given him that two weeks (which was meant to last until last week) we would have had a chance.

 

That made me feel worse...seeing as he had said back in June that I had to leave him alone/he had no feelings and the next week changed his mind. That's why when he said it again last night I was thinking that he might have just been saying it to get some space for a while (as he did say last Thurs that the only time he's lied to me is when he's said he hasn't got feelings...I assumed that was the case again last night).

Then when I said that, he said "yes I was being genuine last Thursday but then you've hassled me again and the final feelings have gone".

 

It doesn't matter anymore what was said. The end result is that you need help. If you want to be in a relationship, you need to understand why you behave this way. Because you'll repeat the pattern and let this be a lesson learned to you.

 

Accept that this boat has sailed. You have to move on.

[Zahara]

He said he was broken and needed 6 months or maybe more to heal. All I wanted short term was to be able to text sometimes, maybe meet up for coffee occasionally but no physical stuff, then if and when he felt ready to start looking to be in a relationship again, I might have a chance.

 

Nope. People that are emotionally broken don't change in 6 months. Years and years of damage doesn't get fixed by sitting around and waiting for 6 months to go by.

 

So that would mean you would be sitting around waiting for him while you text here and there, have that once a month coffee with him? Indefinitely wait until he is unbroken? It's ridicilous. You know this.

[Janesays]

WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

 

You keep saying, "Well first he said leave me alone...then he said leave me alone for 2 weeks and then we'll see what's what....and then he said...."

 

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HE WAS SAYING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING HE COULD POSSIBLY THINK OF TO SAY TO GET YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE FOREVER!?!?!?

 

I mean, I can just picture the PANIC and FEAR this guy must have been in to just blurt out some of the nonsense he was spouting: "My God, I flat out told her I wanted to beat her and rape her and never see her again and THAT didn't work....maybe if I try a softer approach THAT will get her to leave me alone? OH God, THAT DIDN'T WORK EITHER! Maybe I'll just tell her to I'm broken from my last relationship....ANYTHING....I will say ANYTHING to get her to GO AWAY!"

 

This man was 15 minutes from telling you he was gay, I bet.

 

This is a man who is DESPERATELY trying to figure out the magic words to get you to GO AWAY and you, the crazy nutball that you are, are trying to TWIST it to make it seem like he still wants you! It's mind boggling! Can't you see that you're SCARING him? He's a man and he probably wants to take out a restraining order, but doesn't want the humiliation that comes with being a guy who can't control this CRAZY NUTBAG woman that entered into his life.

 

But trust me, if you persist, there will come a day when his fear of you outweighs his worry about what other people might think and you end up in handcuffs.

 

If you were a man pulling this stunt on a woman, you would have been behind bars by now. Think about that.

[happyme]

Gothicrose, you ask for 'brutal honesty' and when supplied with exactly that, form several sources... all telling you the same thing, you ignore.

 

You don't want brutal honesty, or the truth, it seems. So by all means continue deluding yourself. You have been warned, many times, of the consequences. On your own head be it.

 

Good luck, because you will be needing it if you don't start facing facts.

[Simon Phoenix]

OK let's just get something straight...

 

This guy is 59. He should have had the balls to be completely straight the entire way through, especially when he realised I wasnt taking the hint. Sleeping with me and telling me the stuff about feelings off and on didn't help at all.

 

I went to his house,yes, but he could easily have not answered the door. Its what I do when someone I don't want to see turns up!

 

He works literally 2 minutes from my front door, has certain routines on certain days that he follows to the second (that he told me about while we were together) nd has martial arts 5 minutes from my house on a Friday evening.

If I wanted to stalk him...if I was that way inclined, I could.

 

I'm not saying the above are normal at all...just making the point that while I went to his house a few times, I'm not a stalker.

 

Same goes for the texting and calling...I did have a problem with it,I'd ask him over and if he didn't reply or said no I'd text and text...last Friday I asked him over and he didn't reply, so I didn't bother contacting him again...until yesterday obviously I AM trying and working on one thing at a time.

 

I know he will meet someone else soon and if I ever find out about it through the grapevine, I will try and be happy for him.

 

I want him to be happy and just gutted that all I did was make his life hell.

 

Two pages behind, but did you just blame him for your stalkerish behavior? Take a lap.