Need brutal honesty

[gothicrose]

BC1980 - what I meant was, I have never acted that way with anyone before, so in that sense its out of character.

 

All I want to know is why the other day he was 'nicer', never once asked me to leave and even asked me to stay when I said I was going, why did he say "sometimes I feel like I love you so much and other times I want to hate you" ... the hate part I get but if he thinks I'm some stalker why use the word love? Why not say like as he has in the past? He also said he had lied whenever he said he didn't have feelings for me.

 

So can someone please just answer that? As to me...it does matter.

[melell]

Maybe he wants to keep things going. Is enjoying it. If you are enjoying it too then keep going.

[r321148]

There is a good chance he does have feelings for you. You shared something and feelings don't just go away at the flick of a switch. Plenty of people say they don't have feelings for their ex anymore when breaking up! I've said it before to someone despite the fact it wasn't true. Weird things go through your mind when you break up with someone. I thought it would be easier on her if I told her I didn't have feelings as she then wouldn't hold onto hope.

BUT

the fact he probably still has feelings isn't enough. He can see this relationship is toxic for him. Sometimes it just isn't worth the hurt and emotional strain it puts on you despite the fact you may still feel something for the other person.

 

I still maintain that this is irrelevant in this case as I think you shouldn't even be considering a relationship with him and therefore it should make no difference what's in his head.

 

On your other point yes people do fight against NC. I do and in certain cases I think some people can state things as very black and white when actually there is a lot of grey. No contact is for yourself so you can get yourself back together but if you don't want to do that then that's your choice.

BUT in this case he has been very clear and asked you specifically to leave him alone!! That is his wish and you aren't respecting it.This isn't about

"no contact". He has asked you to leave him alone and part of loving and caring about somebody is respecting their wishes!

[gothicrose]

Yes but the other day he said that our best chance for anything was if I'd left him alone for 6 months right after we split up. He never really asked for that outright back then,just kind of mumbled that because he finished with his previous girlfriend 'for me' and then we got intense too quickly, he needed 6 months or so to "heal". But obviously that never happened.

 

Even when he's been asking me to leave him alone indefinitely, he's always said straight after that "if you want to see me, ask me round by all means but if I say no because I'm busy, or tired or just want to see you, then just say OK maybe next week or something...then ask again in a week or two".

 

So I kind of thought it was the hassle I caused when I contacted him (not taking no for an answer if he didn't want to come around, for example) that was the issue...that's why I thought nc might help as then he will see that I can go a week without contacting him!

[Fufu]

Even when he's been asking me to leave him alone indefinitely, he's always said straight after that "if you want to see me, ask me round by all means but if I say no because I'm busy, or tired or just want to see you, then just say OK maybe next week or something...then ask again in a week or two".

 

You do know you can make the choice to leave him alone.

 

 

Anyway have you consider giving yourself a break and perhaps go for a short vacation to free your mind on all this?

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes but the other day he said that our best chance for anything was if I'd left him alone for 6 months right after we split up. He never really asked for that outright back then,just kind of mumbled that because he finished with his previous girlfriend 'for me' and then we got intense too quickly, he needed 6 months or so to "heal". But obviously that never happened.

 

Even when he's been asking me to leave him alone indefinitely, he's always said straight after that "if you want to see me, ask me round by all means but if I say no because I'm busy, or tired or just want to see you, then just say OK maybe next week or something...then ask again in a week or two".

 

So I kind of thought it was the hassle I caused when I contacted him (not taking no for an answer if he didn't want to come around, for example) that was the issue...that's why I thought nc might help as then he will see that I can go a week without contacting him!

 

I think it's kind of sad that you think going a week without contacting him is some big achievement. I mean, that's basically a business trip or a vacation.

[shortee]

Leave him alone and forget him. Hes no good for you or your kids. Thoughts of rape and abuse are not buried deep in peoples minds for normal people. He is a dangerous man. No woman can drive anyone to violence. Anyone who says go away and come back in six months is manipulative. You need help. Stay away from him.

[Leigh 87]

With my ex of 2.5 years, I also would go crazy when he left me, even for a day if we had a fight and he left, I would feel SO scared and afraid of being without him, since I loved him so much.....

 

You can't seem to just not be with him and cut contact with him, even for two weeks.

 

I know how this is, I had a life with my ex and I loved/still love him very much.

 

We couldn't leave each other alone for a good month or two after the split....

 

The desire to want to be around someone you have feelings for is natural. However, the way you are handling it shows u simply have NO self control of strength of character.

 

You need to just exercise better self control; realise u HAVE TO STOP contacting a guy!

 

It is actually quiet sickening how you would just show up when he told you to leave him alone....

 

You need serious professional help.

 

You can't see how bad your mental problems are. You justify everything.

 

You're stuck in a very dangerous cycle, where a man has told you to LEAVE HIM ALONE, yet you are unable to.

 

Whether you care to admit it or not, you are NOT able to leave him alone.

 

You were harassing him.

 

He told you he wanted nothing to do with you and to please leave him alone, yet you would see it fit to just show up at his house?!?!?!

 

You have BIG problems. I feel sick just reading this thread...

[gothicrose]

You're all right.

 

I went to see him again last night; booked a babysitter, had a shower, put a bit of makeup on and got a taxi over there. I will still maintain that he didnt ever have to answer the door as I only ever knocked once, but anyway...I suppose I miss getting ready to go and see someone, but I'm nowhere near ready to date so won't be able to do that now for a good while, or maybe forever.

 

All the way over there, as always, I knew it was a bad idea, knew no good could come of it but pathetically I think all along I've been (as he himself said) hoping that whenever he said a positive (like the other day when he said the stuff about still having feelings, thinking about me quite a bit etc) that the negatives he said alongside it or afterwards were just him being pissed off at that time...wording it badly but I think I was hoping that the slight positives he said, along with the fact he's tried to hard to be nice and give me chances to be friends, meant that he might have had feelings that could have developed if we had got on...but he said the negative to get me to back off and leave him alone for a bit.

 

Last night he was brutal, saying he has no feelings, wants nothing more to do with me and isn't interested in me. I said I had strong feelings and know he needs space but I wanted him to give me a chance to text and get on and then maybe meet up once i proved I've changed...first he told me to leave it for three weeks then text and he will see, then when I asked why he had said that he said "because I want you to leave me alone!"

 

I also mentioned the rape comment and that normal men wouldn't say that however annoyed they were...he just sat expressionless and then said "OK then whatever" :-(

 

I asked why last week he had said he had feelings and all that...he said "why did you sleep with your ex in august? I had urges".

 

So.

Now I know...even though really, I knew it all along but hoped that if I went nc for a while then we could text and maybe increase things from there.

 

I am done this time. Sad and angry, but done.

[Simon Phoenix]

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry, I don't believe you are done. You have no ability to control yourself and act like a normal human being.

[gothicrose]

Oh and also..not trying to justify but just explaining.

 

I was confused.

 

In may when we split, he said he was emotionally empty and broken...not by me, but from the split with his wife ten years ago. He sent long texts saying he wished he could love me but didn't want to hurt me, had a big space where his heart should be and that kind of thing. Then I'd ask him to come over and he said he wanted to but shouldn't as he didn't want to end up in bed with me unless he's sure he wanted to be with me , I would reassure him nothing would happen and we would just chat...then he would try it on anyway.

 

In June he told me to leave him alone for good, then I had to go into school where he works. I texted to warn him I'd be around so he could avoid my area for an hour til I'd gone, ten mins later he walks past the room I was in, looking in and then text me saying "sorry had to come and look, couldn't resist".

 

In July he signed up to a dating website and went on 2 dates...before the first one he said he's not emotionally attached to me anymore so we could talk via text and phone but not meet up, then when I phoned him the following week he asked if I wanted him to come over...when he got here he said those two dates hadn't made him feel anything like I do, and he had only gone on them "to try and get you off my mind", then said that when he had told me he wasn't emotionally attached, he was lying.

 

August he told me again to leave him alone for good and I sent him a text a week later asking if we could just keep in touch sometimes...he then asked me to leave him alone for two weeks while he worked out how he felt...whether he wanted just sex, friends, nothing at all or to date me. This was the week after he said he knew he never wanted to date me.

 

For the past month or so he's been asking me to leave him be for two weeks for various reasons (first time it was to get his head clear, second time it was so he could get his course completed)...but obviously I didn't do that.

 

And now he's saying leave me alone indefinitely...last night he said if I had just given him space to complete his course he would have come and seen me afterwards because he wanted to see me, not because I've forced him to. And I wouldn't have made him fail his course and cost him £700.

 

I suppose all that mind changing is why I was clinging to a bit of hope that if I backed off now he might come round...I was hoping he was just pissed off about the course and my actions lately, so if I proved I could change (assuming I did) he might see the good side of me again.

 

As I said no justifying my actions as I was an idiot and regret it so badly...just explaining :-(

[gothicrose]

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry, I don't believe you are done. You have no ability to control yourself and act like a normal human being.

 

He had 'that' look in his eyes last night...of complete contempt. And when I cried a bit (I know, no dignity or class), he didn't try to comfort me like he usually would.

 

He also said "why would I want to start again and be friends with you when you've hurt me this much?"

 

So now I see he's reached his limit.

[Simon Phoenix]

He had 'that' look in his eyes last night...of complete contempt. And when I cried a bit (I know, no dignity or class), he didn't try to comfort me like he usually would.

 

He also said "why would I want to start again and be friends with you when you've hurt me this much?"

 

So now I see he's reached his limit.

 

He reached his limit a long time ago. You just didn't care.

[BC1980]

You spend so much time ruminating about his motives when the real problem lies with you. Take a look at your actions. You actually hired a babysitter to show up at his house unannounced.

[gothicrose]

Did you actually read my post about why i was confused, Simon?

 

But people can change and I just hoped (and still do in a way, but now I want to do nc properly so that I don't care in a few weeks or months) that with a bit of time and space the anger might fade and I might get another chance...even just at texting occasionally.

[Simon Phoenix]

Did you actually read my post about why i was confused, Simon?

 

But people can change and I just hoped (and still do in a way, but now I want to do nc properly so that I don't care in a few weeks or months) that with a bit of time and space the anger might fade and I might get another chance...even just at texting occasionally.

 

Yep, and my opinion hasn't changed. You took breadcrumbs from him and decided to smother and harass him without any regard to anything. And the fact that you still have hope for another chance makes me think that you are going to continue your ridiculous behavior. Stopping over unannounced is completely inappropriate. I don't even do that to my best friends, much less anyone who multiple times has told me to back off.

 

Maybe at one point he might have reconsidered, but instead of letting the scared little kitten slowly make his way toward you, you decided to grab it by the tail and toss it around and then are confused about why it continues to hiss at you.

 

You completely keep missing the point. You can't control what he does or what he says or what he feels. You can only control yourself and you seem to have no ability whatsoever to do that. You act completely inappropriately and even now you are trying to justify it. Everyone in this thread is completely sick of hearing your logic for behavior that, quite frankly, has gotten restraining orders taken against people.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[gothicrose]

I'm not trying to justify it at all.

 

Of course I hope that in a few months we might be able to get back on speaking terms, because even last night he said "I do have feelings for you. Not enough to want to be with you, not enough to want to sleep with you".

 

BUT I need to go nc for myself; nothing I do will change his mind so I need to get myself in the state of mind where I'm able to not care whether he wants me in future or not.

 

As I said of course I hope I can be forgiven eventually and that if I prove I can back off for a good amount of time then he might come round a bit; but realistically I know that once someone shows the amount of craziness or lack of respect that I have, there's no going back. I know he would never want a relationship now for example, as he will think that however rational and nice I act from now on...if he ever split with me I'd turn loca again.

[gothicrose]

Mods note: Post moved here from another thread

 

Not that anyone else would act as crazy as I did :-(

 

I can't post links as I'm on my tablet, but my latest thread is on the second chances board entitled "need brutal honesty".

 

I would like some hand holding or...OK I'll admit it, I really want someone to tell me he might come round after some space, hence posting here - I need to do nc properly and get my head straight.

 

Read my thread on the other board before you post though please...as what you read might affect what you say to me on here :-(

Edited October 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not trying to justify it at all.

 

Of course I hope that in a few months we might be able to get back on speaking terms, because even last night he said "I do have feelings for you. Not enough to want to be with you, not enough to want to sleep with you".

 

BUT I need to go nc for myself; nothing I do will change his mind so I need to get myself in the state of mind where I'm able to not care whether he wants me in future or not.

 

As I said of course I hope I can be forgiven eventually and that if I prove I can back off for a good amount of time then he might come round a bit; but realistically I know that once someone shows the amount of craziness or lack of respect that I have, there's no going back. I know he would never want a relationship now for example, as he will think that however rational and nice I act from now on...if he ever split with me I'd turn loca again.

 

He said he had feelings for you because he's probably afraid you are going to stab him with a carving knife. You need to let go of all hope with this guy -- you've nuked this beyond saving, even as friends. Once you go crazy to the point you have, you will always be looked at as crazy. While many men like to have sex with crazy (though maybe not crazy to your extent), no man wants to date or marry crazy. You need to examine why you allowed yourself to behave like that and work on that. Forget about him -- you need to make sure that you fix whatever is wrong with you so you never act like this again, as this is way beyond acceptable. And acting like this will have a negative effect on your child. Kids are a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for. They can tell when their parents are "off".

 

Please, go to counseling and please try to fix whatever defect that has allowed you to act with such impunity and disregard for everyone and everything around you. Seriously, while I come off as mean, I really would like you to get past this and come out of this as a better, healthier person, because you have lost your way.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[gothicrose]

What, after being so brutal about the other stuff? He said some really hurtful but honest things last night and I didn't shout, scream or anything...I just kept apologising even though I knew it wouldn't make a difference.

 

I asked why he had said he had feelings last week and he said "because despite all this crap you've put me through, I do like you. There is a good side to you and I do have feelings for you. But not enough to want to be with you or sleep with you. You are an attractive woman but we won't work".

 

Sounded genuine to me?

 

I then asked if he would just give us a chance as friends if I can prove I can stop all this crazy stuff and he said if he wants to come and see me he would, he won't be forced as then there's no pleasure in it.

So I asked what he would need to think about me in order to come over, he replied "to have missed you, to be thinking it would be a fun experience and to want to be with you" (I asked why he'd need to want to be with me to see me as a friend and he said otherwisethere is no point) and then when I asked why he won't give me that chance to show I can change, he said "because I'm not interested!".

Edited October 9, 2013 by gothicrose

[Simon Phoenix]

what, after being so brutal about the other stuff? He said some really hurtful but honest things last night and i didn't shout, scream or anything...i just kept apologising even though i knew it wouldn't make a difference.

 

I asked why he had said he had feelings last week and he said "because despite all this crap you've put me through, i do like you. There is a good side to you and i do have feelings for you. But not enough to want to be with you or sleep with you. You are an attractive woman but we won't work".

 

Sounded genuine to me?

 

I then asked if he would just give us a chance as friends if i can prove i can stop all this crazy stuff and he said if he wants to come and see me he would, he won't be forced as then there's no pleasure in it.

So i asked what he would need to think about me in order to come over, he replied "to have missed you, to be thinking it would be a fun experience and to want to be with you" (i asked why he'd need to want to be with me to see me as a friend and he said otherwisethere is no point) and then when i asked why he won't give me that chance to show i can change, he said "because i'm not interested!".

 

stop stop stop stop stop!

[gothicrose]

So you think he said all the stuff I said in my last post to shut me up too?

 

Anyway...been to counselling, it wasn't right for me.

 

Am going back to my doctor to see if CBT or meds might help instead.

[Simon Phoenix]

So you think he said all the stuff I said in my last post to shut me up too?

 

Anyway...been to counselling, it wasn't right for me.

 

Am going back to my doctor to see if CBT or meds might help instead.

 

Then find another counselor. Not every counselor will take, but when you find one that does, it'll do wonders. And you need it. Drugging yourself is no type of solution, especially by itself.

[gothicrose]

I can't talk about the past.

 

Its not that easy to find counsellors...I'm in the UK and can't afford to go private.

 

There is only one place they refer you to in my town and ive been there.

 

Anyway I've never been like this with anyone else so I think I will give nc a whirl first.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can't talk about the past.

 

Its not that easy to find counsellors...I'm in the UK and can't afford to go private.

 

There is only one place they refer you to in my town and ive been there.

 

Anyway I've never been like this with anyone else so I think I will give nc a whirl first.

 

I'm not sure you have the capability. You haven't shown any sort of ability to institute self-control, which is something that counseling can help with. If you do them in tandem (and I'm sure there are other counseling options if you look hard enough), then the odds of it being effective will be much greater.