Need brutal honesty

[Zahara]

Please leave my children out of it, thanks.

 

Even if we had of got together in the future, he wouldn't have been anywhere near the children for at least a year.

 

Are you absolutely delusional? Clueless? Selfish? I am not sure.

 

The man was in your home. Is your child living with you?

 

The man said he was so angry he wanted to abuse and rape you.

 

Leave your child out of it? Your child takes precedence over everything else. The fact that you are stating to leave your child out of this is testament to how selfish you are in that your feelings, wants and needs are of utmost priority to you. This is all about you and what you want.

 

It's absolutely useless giving you any advice because you can't for one minute step out of your emotions and use your brain to guide you.

Edited October 5, 2013 by Zahara

[gothicrose]

The children were never at home when this guy came around.

 

And I'm not leaving them out of it...I asked you lot to! And only comment on the actual question I asked..which is did he say he still had feelings/was confused to get me into bed or leave him alone, or was he being genuine.

[Zahara]

Think. Listen.

 

Do you think a man that tells you he wants to rape you and hurt you is an emotionally sound and healthy man to be introduced to your children, even after you spending a year dating him? FFS, think! Think! A year doesn't change who he is.

 

You shouldn't be asking anymore questions about what he thinks, says and does. You shouldn't be going to his home and seeking him out. You shouldn't be engaging a man who has thoughts of harming you.

 

You should be staying away from him. You should be seeking therapy. You should be focusing on your children and striving to be happy with you and with them alone. You should be having better expectations for yourself. You should be having higher standards in the men you want to seek as a partner and as a good solid male role model for your children.

 

There is a bigger picture. You fail miserably at seeing it.

Edited October 5, 2013 by Zahara

[BC1980]

You have no personal boundaries, and you don't respect his boundaries. You show up at his house unannounced? That is so rude. You also have no boundaries on how you will and will not allow someone to treat you. You need basic boundaries, like it's not okay for someone to say they want to rape you. This is really sad to see.

[Blastoplast]

Give him space -- it'll save both of you headaches in the long run.

[Minneloa]

OP, you ask explicitly for "brutal honesty," and when everyone tells you repeatedly to stay the heck away from this man, you continue to pester him and then ask insistent questions about him, his actions, his motivations, and the possibility that you will one day be together. This tells me that you aren't really listening to the feedback you are receiving. For whatever reason, you are obsessed with this man, and I share other posters' concern that this is a potentially dangerous situation, both psychologically (your intense preoccupation with him) and physically (his allusions to violence). So, I think it might be time to consider counseling (I am currently seeing a therapist, so no shaming here). It seems that you are truly in the grip of obsessive thinking and impulsive behavior, and a trained therapist could help you grapple with both.

[melell]

It sounds like you got crazy as a result of everything. It is traumatic, and some people just cannot handle it.

 

It also sounds like this guy is indulging in your craziness. I mean, I doubt he wants to 'rape' you.

 

Is this a situation you want to be in? Do you enjoy it? Do you want your life to be like this?

 

If yes, then proceed, but realize this is not beneficial for your children- I don't know how old they are but eventually that will see your behavior and take it on board.

 

If no, then try and get some help to move through this particular situation- don't be hard on yourself, just look after yourself, and work towards things that will make you, and your family happy.

[dolita]

Brutal honesty:

 

I dont think you love this guy. Everytime you contact him it's all about you and you only, your action and words are 'me! Me! Me!', really not mature but rather annoying. You wanted him to be a listening ear, you wanted to call him to accuse him for not replying your text. Kinda selfish. This guy is already tired of you, if you could just think for him instead of just yourself, if you could understand his feelings instead of demanding more.

Think of it, why is he responsible for you, your emotions, your happiness?

[jimloveslips]

sorry, I haven't read your history, but the fact that you are writing to an online forum about this serious situation suggests that there is no way this is going to work out for you.

you need to start a new life without this person in it

you will find new friends new lovers - unfortunately life sometimes kicks you in the teeth a few times before you come out the other side still with your smile in place and a good person by your side

[gothicrose]

The only reason I'm seemingly ignoring some points your making is because I'm using an iPad and it takes an age to type anything, so I try to stick to clarifying the points I wanted to make.

 

I've said before, I'm happily single. I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship. Not even entirely sure whether I'd want to be in a relationship with this guy.

 

The rape thing...well he sort of explained what he had meant; he said that we have been bringing the worst out of each other and those thoughts you usually keep buried deep in your mind being a morally sound person, have been coming to the forefront.

I think when he used the word rape, he meant "have sex and focus on his own pleasure" not force me into it. He sees sex without being in a relationship as inherently wrong and shameful, so I kind of get what he meant but obviously the wording was terrible.

 

The thing was when I went to his place on Thursday, I did go to leave twice and he asked me to stay a bit longer.

 

And why say the thing about wishing we could run away somewhere nobody know us, if he doesn't have feelings for me?

 

My children are my priority and I'm not obsessed with him...I know that just sounds like denial but ive looked through some of the longer threads on here where the op is posting every day about how hard they have found it not to contact their ex, and I'm not thinking that way about this guy at all...he certainly doesn't cross my mind everyday, its just when he's thinking badly of me I want to fix it.

[Zahara]

Please seek help. I don't think you can get your answers from LS.

 

Your priorities are all messed up. You have no boundaries. And your persistence, no matter what anyone says is a reflection of who you are. It's all about what you want. You're a selfish person. Self-destructive. No sign of any self-awareness, no ability to even reflect on the advice given. It's all, but, but, but, but. No matter what anyone says, you're going to go against it, make an excuse and go right back to what you want.

 

When someone says leave them alone, you won't. You persist. When the majority are trying to open your god damn eyes, you resist. No ability to have any self-control, any sense of dignity or self-respect. Zero introspection.

 

He loves you. He wants to be with you. He's a confused man. just give him space and he'll come around. This is the only thing you want and need to hear.

Edited October 6, 2013 by Zahara

[gothicrose]

To be fair...there have been loads of people on here doing the same; when you all advocate nc the op rallies against it.

 

Only difference is my stupidity for acting the way I did; of course there is a part of me hoping that if I give him the 6 months space he originally said he needed way back when we split up, we might be able to start again from scratch as friends...but equally there's the rational side of me thinking that a) he might just be too emotionally damaged (from the split with his wife that he never seemed to have got over) and b) maybe I don't have enough feelings for him anyway.

 

I never sit home in the evenings crying that we aren't together and wondering what he's doing, my children all have clubs after school most days that I sit and watch them at and I'm learning to drive and have a job interview next week so I can hopefully quit where I'm at currently. I am also out with my friend of ten years on Tuesday...so I do have other things on you know!

 

I do appreciate why you think the way you do Zahara, but as I said before my children, the silly and wreckless behaviour...those are my issues and not for others to comment on as only I can see to them.

 

I just wanted in unbiased opinions on why he said the things he did the other day as it would be good to know whether when I thought he was being genuine on Thursday about having feelings and being confused about what he wants from me, was I right to believe him or was he just trying to get me into bed or get rid of me.

[gothicrose]

And I do mull over all advise given and take it on board...I just don't type that stuff out because I'm on a touch screen tablet that makes it really tough to write long, detailed responses...

[Zahara]

Of course, there are people on here breaking NC, opposing it, etc. but none with your propensity. You've taken it to another level. That's the difference between posters rallying against NC on here versus you rallying against it and then acting on it. You have zero boundaries and respect for any request to NC. And don't compare yourself to others to justify your actions.

 

Everyone has suggested you seek therapy. You're self-esteem is broken. Your past is keeping you from making sound choices. You had one man that was violent with you. Now this man speaks of violence but just because he defines it in a way that satisfies your warped thinking, you're back to bad choices again.

 

And just because you have a normal life outside this man, it has nothing to do with your ability to make sound and wise choices for yourself in this area of your life. People in horrible relationships get up and go to work everyday, take their kids to school, keep a smile on their faces infront of friends and family. That means absolutely nothing.

 

You're not sitting around wondering what he's doing? You can't leave the man alone for even two weeks!

 

The choices you make affect your children. People are not going to shut an eye when it comes to your kids. You don't get to ask for advice based on what suits your needs, especially when children are in the picture. No idiot is going to sit back, listen to you talk about a man that has uttered rape and abuse and skip over your kids.

 

Wanting a this man to love you, one that speaks to you this way is a clear indication that you don't value yourself. Whether he wanted to get you in bed or whether he has feelings for you, the facts remain. He is unhealthy and damaged. You are unhealthy and damaged. This is unhealthy for your kids. Sadly, you can't see past your emotions.

[Zahara]

And I do mull over all advise given and take it on board...I just don't type that stuff out because I'm on a touch screen tablet that makes it really tough to write long, detailed responses...

 

Please. You take nothing on board. You ask for brutal honesty. But then you fight it. We tell you NC, you break it over and over again. Then you justify that others are on here rallying against it so you're not so bad. Then you get defensive when people are concerned about your children. You always have an excuse.

 

Don't mull. Just do. All these people can't be wrong.

[anna121]

I have read both threads.

 

Assuming this is for real...

 

You are scary. Totally unbalanced IMO. You are stalking this guy.

 

I really think you need medical attn.

 

Normal people might have trouble letting go, but they wouldn't do the things you keep doing.

[gothicrose]

OK so if I come back in a few weeks or months and confirm I haven't contacted him, then will I get the same sort of advice on how or whether to 'reconnect' that others have had?

 

I know how I am day to day and how little I think about this guy, or relationships in general. You all only have a view point based on what I've posted...yes I've been advised nc and been to see him anyway but I feel I benefitted from that as we managed to end things with a hug and a goodbye rather than the 'leave me alone' that had happened previous times.

 

It felt like we had cleared the air, so I felt more able now to get on with things and maybe try and reconnect in a few months...but hey.

[whichwayisup]

He ended up saying "I do like you as a person and the 10% of you that is reasonable, is lovely. But it's only ten percent and not worth the hassle. I don't want anything to do with you ever again".

 

That confused me...how can he say he likes me if he wants nothing more to do with me?

 

Is this is it for good, or might 2-3 months of nc begin to fix things?

 

You are suffocating him and all he was asking for was space from you, 2 weeks NC to just let him have some peace.

 

He is fed up and sure he likes you but reading between the lines, he is more or less saying it isn't worth it, the drama and talks etc.. he is done.

 

Honestly, when a guy starts to turn into an A like that, it's time to let go, grieve the loss and move on. HE isn't worth it and HE is NOT worthy of YOUR friendship.

 

Get mad, do what you can to make yourself get over him and let go.

 

Your R is over and it caused pain, so therefore trying to keep in touch and having a casual friendship or even push to get the R back, isn't good for you.

[Zahara]

OK so if I come back in a few weeks or months and confirm I haven't contacted him, then will I get the same sort of advice on how or whether to 'reconnect' that others have had?

 

It felt like we had cleared the air, so I felt more able now to get on with things and maybe try and reconnect in a few months...but hey.

 

This is just useless.

 

There is no reconnecting. He is bad for you. You are bad for you. He is bad for your kids. There is no point reconnecting with someone that is unhealthy for you, especially when you can't even navigate your own issues.

 

You're just letting time pass and focusing on making that reconnection. That's all you're doing. The time should be used to detach and move on. As I said, you have zero ability to look at a situation and introspect with your brain, know it's bad for you and change your direction, in that you have to break away clean and make better choices in your life, and that means surrounding yourself with positive and healthy minded people -- especially for your children.

 

I feel like I am talking to a brick wall.

[gothicrose]

Sorry Zahara but youre wrong.

 

I truly do see why you think all that but on the odd occasion I've found myself lapsing into thoughts of a future between me and him, I've consciously redirected my thoughts to "its over and always will be".

 

I know he will meet someone else...for a start he bought a years subscription to a dating website in June and has deactivated but could still go back there, and he's taking singing lessons with a local teacher who is also a pro singer, a year older than me and stunning with no children (he told me he was taking lessons and who with, I didn't do any digging to find this out) so knowing him, he will fall for her and she will no doubt reciprocate as he does had a 'charm' about him. The thought of that makes me a little sad that we couldn't have worked out or at least date properly instead of jumping into intensity after just two weeks, but I know I will be happy for him as he will make someone really happy.

 

I truly don't believe we are bad for each other as we have both acted really out of character...I do believe that in a few months time if we are more ourselves again we could work out, but I'm certainly not expecting it.

 

We will always see each other occasionally through work anyway so no avoiding that.

[Zahara]

Good luck to you.

[BC1980]

I truly don't believe we are bad for each other as we have both acted really out of character...I do believe that in a few months time if we are more ourselves again we could work out, but I'm certainly not expecting it.

 

You did not act out of character, and neither did he. You showed a consistent pattern of acting very badly and basically stalking him. If you go back and read your threads, all of the interactions you post about are like a broken record.

 

People give you the same advice, and you never follow it. Why? Because you are not acting out of character in the least bit. You have acted very much in character, which is a woman with nearly zero self esteem. Your actions speak far louder than your words, and, sorry, but they outed you. For you, acting out of character would be actually sticking to NC. You said you wanted brutal honesty, so there it is.

 

You have also stated, more than once, that the two of you bring out the worst in one another. You basically stated that you are bad for one another. This "relationship" is so sick and dysfunctional, but you can't see it. You are in no way, shape, or form suitable to be in a relationship right now. You need self help, and I hope you get it. I really do wish the best for you.

Edited October 6, 2013 by BC1980

[BC1980]

Oh, and speaking of him acting out of character, he has shown you very clearly his character through a pattern of actions. Now, you have obviously pushed him to his limits, but the comment about rape was taking it to another level. You really think so low of yourself that you actually want to be with a man who would say that? You even think he is worth the time of a friendship in the future? If I didn't know better, I would think he said it to get you to finally go away, and it didn't even work.

 

I'm just in utter shock that you are rationalizing away what he said only days after writing about it. Like someone else said, LS can't really help you. These problems are deep, and you don't even see them as problems. Most people would be too mortified to even admit to doing the things you have done. I very much hope you get the help you need.

[Mariposa10]

OP, I don't mean to be rude, but please stop comparing yourself to other users here. Nobody is as stubborn as you. The guy has asked you to leave him alone. He's pretty much threatened you to rape and hit you.

 

If you have more questions, just re-read the comments people have posted before why? because you keep asking the same questions.

[Simon Phoenix]

Seek professional help please. Your issues are above and beyond this board's pay grade. You might be one of the most hopelessly delusional posters I've seen on here. You are almost a female frederikk at this point.