bahhh, not sure what to think anymore

[PhotoGuy]

ok, here is my story for those interested

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49715/15-1

 

Ok onto business. It has now been just shy of 2 months since the split with my girl. Long story short for those who don't want to read the above link. Dated for 7.5 years, lived together for 5, she decided she needs time and space.

 

Which brings us to today. We have been in touch here and there, I don't make the effort to contact her, she always contacts me.

 

She is 12 hours away now and will be home for christmas. I spoke with her yesterday, and she asked if we could get together over christmas. I told her that I didn't know. Now, it's not that I don't want to see her, because I really do, I just don't know if it would be smart for us to do that. She is still very much in love with me, and I her. She also asked if we were going to exchange gifts. This is all weird to me, because I can't quite understand how a woman can still be so in love with someone, but not want to be with them right now.

 

A few things I am afraid of about seeing her over the holidays: one is that I am scared that we will both get back to square one and have a hard time seeing each other. She still cries everytime I talk to her and professes her love for me, but continues to say "I just need to be alone for now" Which is understandable. Second is that I am afraid that If I refuse to see her, it fills her with the idea that I DONT want to see her (but I do). third is giving her the impressions that she can have her cake and eat it too. And finally, what I am scared of is seeing her, our feelings making decisions for us, us getting back together again without her real issues being addressed.

 

Let me continue by saying that I have since been playing the feild, a few hook ups here and there, a few dates, just having fun kind of stuff, hey im single now right? I would still give anything to be back with her, anything in the world as I still love her so deeply. This is just such a hard thing to do, making the right decisions and all.

 

So any input/advice/guidance would be greatly appreciated at this point.

[snipit3172]

sorry to say this but have you thought that maybe she has found out about you playing the feild and thinks obviously you can not really still be in love with her if you are doing that i have split up from my ex well he called it off and i love him to death but i could not even imagine going out with anyone while i still love him as much as i do maybe thats the difference between men and women sorry thats just the way i feel

[PhotoGuy]

It's a possibility sure, but wouldn't she than want nothing to do with me if that were the case?

 

And when I say playing the feild, I don't mean anything serious. Not sex or anything like that, just a smooch here and there. I of course do not want to be in a relationship with anyone else, she left me, I have done nothing wrong, so am I supposed to sit and not have fun/talk to girls, etc? This is why I say this is so hard...I'm fairly sure she has been on some dates as well....it'skind of like this big silly game that is going on

[snipit3172]

sorry did not mean to sound nasty maybe she does still love you and like she says she just needs some space to sort her head out hope it works out for you im just venting my anger on men at moment cos i cannot really talk to anyone about what im going through they think i should be ok now and just move on

[Ganou]

Photguy,

 

I just read you original story and can completely relate to it. Just this past weekend the same thing happened to me....not sure to think of what it is all about, don't know how to deal with it or what to exactly think.

 

Last night had to speak the GF, she has almost all her stuff at my place still, and my front door lock broke, which had to be replaced....and really felt like she had to know, or she would have thought I was crazy.

 

She just told me that she loves me dearly, need some time to herslef, but wants us to date others..??????...kind of confused by this comment....just wondering since our stories are so similar if this happened to you as well?

[Ganou]

.....and forgot to mention that the Holiday question was brought up as well. I have no idea what to think or say. My family lives 5 hrs away and really don;t want them pissed at me if I sit at home, but her family treats me like one of their own children, which may seem weird to most people, but trust me they would do anything for me, and me for them. Just scared of the final circumstances and the feeling of being the ex-boyfrind coming over for Christmas dinner.

 

- G

[snipit3172]

so what your supposed to be going to her family for xmas not sure what to say about that really its hard when you get on well with the family you see i knew my exes dad for 2 years before i met him and we get on really well its through his dad we got together

 

i know we were only together for 5 months not like your long time but i truly loved him and he was the first man who ever made me feel really special he always said i was sexy and silly stuff like that but it made me feel good about myself cos my past relationships have been pretty bad i had been single for 2 1/2 years before i met him and i was weary i used to speal to him every day about 5 times then like my post says 2 months ago he just stopped gating in touch even his dad does not know what has happened with him cos he has not seen or heard off him for 6 weeks i just find it really hard to cope not knowing what happened

[PhotoGuy]

Snipit, no apologies are necessary, and I am truly sorry for your current situation. My best advice to you, is to be as positive about all of this as you possibly can be. I am no guru to any of this, or think that I have all the answers, and I was a mess for a few weeks after the breakup. But when you realize that there is no point dwelling on the past, the future becomes a beautiful thing. It really is. Where I am at now is that I still feel we are destined to be together, but it's pretty much a waiting game on her. I made a very important choice in my life, and it was this. I can either sit and be miserable every single day, and miss her till it made me sick. Or I can enjoy this time, get to know myself again, have a good time, not worry about a single thing and just be a single man for a bit. I have no interest in being in another relationship other than the wonderful one I had with her. But, it comes down to this, would she want to come back to me if I was sitting like a lost puppy waiting for her, or would she want to come back to me knowing that I am a man and can live my life, with or without her. It is a tough pill to swallow, but sometimes you have to look at yourself and ask if you would want to be with you?

 

The sun rises and shines everyday, it does, and everyday is what we make of it. I know it's easy to sit and feel sorry for yourself, but come on, does it really make any of us happy to sit and pine over the what if's. I know this sounds like rehashed garbage, but it really is the way it is. We can't depend on another for our overall happiness in life, we all have theability to make ourselves happy, and that is the truth.

 

Ganou, the situation with my ex is a rough and tumble one. She has said a few times that if I meet someone she doesn't want me to not pursue it because I am waiting for her. What that means can be interpreted in 10 different ways. There is one thing I know for sure, she will never meet anyone that will love her like I did, or treat her as I did, this is fact and not some egotistical attitude. We are talking about a very strong minded woman here, whome i have only ever seen cry once in our time together. since our breakup she cries everytime we talk, and everytime she thinks of me. I know for fact that she has been hanging out with this guy who pretty much wants in her pants, whether anything is developing from that, I wouldn't have a clue. I know that she talks to him alot and kind of leans on him, so of course he will look at it like she wants to touch his pee pee. Guys are typically bastards like that and will often prey on the vulnerable. Such is life though. Am I pissed at this? Nope, because I know that she will be confronted with a choice at some point, and I know where that choice leads her, right back to me.

 

The other way to look at the "date other people" comments is that I think sometimes it is said because on of the two parties wants to move on, but feels guilty that the other may not be. Ganou, in your situation, i don't know what that means, I don't know if she wants to move on, or wants to test you, nobody ever knows. The best thing you can do is to embrace this time. I am very against getting back in a serious relationship right away, but dating here and there is healthy. Just enjoy the company of others, be yourself, be with someone where there are no expectaation, JUST HAVE FUN. Life is far too short to not have some fun.

 

It will all either go one way or the other for us and this I can promise. We either move on from our exes and do not want to get back with them, or we mend ourselves, our exes do as well, and our hearts find our way back to each other.

 

I still don't know what to do about seeing her over the holidays, I know she was pretty broken up when I told her I wasn't sure. I did go on to tell her that I DID want to see her, but wasn't sure if it would be good for us. I'm telling all of you, I know if we see each other, we will spent the night in each others arms, and be blissfull, but that she may be back at sqaure one with her confusion. And I do not want that for her at all. I want her to find this out for herself, without the pressure and feelings of seeing me. So I just don't know how to play this one.

 

Isn't this SOOOO MUCH FUN, LOL

[Ganou]

Photoguy,

 

I thank you for replying and seeing the views that I see. It quit scary how some other people are in almost the exact situation as I am.

 

The thing that really scares me about dating other people is:

 

1. I am scared that, just like you said, she will find a guy who only wants her for pure sex. And like most guys this will probably be the situation. Just that it really scares me when I am well aware that my "Ex", is very blind to see things like this, she always says no one looks at her, guys never notice her, but I point it out all the time when we are walking and others checked her out. As an example she is very unsure about her appearances, and as joke or self-esteem booster she joined one of those model search things, and has been harrasses by photographers since. Even tho I told her she was beautiful and sexy everyday, she still deep inside things she's ugly for some reason.

 

2. That for one obvious reason, she will find someone better than me.

 

3. That she will forget how much I actually loved her, not just intamately like most guys would, but spiritually, mentally, with my entire heart.

 

4. That I will never find someone that is as special as her. Which right now, there is no one out there that could compare to how close we were. Like Forest Gump said "We are like peas and carrots".

 

5. Just like you, my "ex" said that she doesn;'t want me to not persue anyone who comes around. She also said "Just make sure you are sure about them before anything else?". (what a loaded question)

 

6. She did say that she will never date one of my friends...which is so much better (sarcasm), as we have the same group of freinds.

 

7. She told me to watch out while dating. Don't go for the groupies (which of course she knows I hate with all my heart....kind of goes with my job...kind of hard to explain)

 

Is she trying to let me know that she will never be back, or does she wan';t me to experience, as well as herself, others so that we can know we are the "forsure" thing. Cause is so, this is the most ****ed up mind game ever.

 

-------

 

As for last night the conversation was really weird. I was very glad to hear her voice, but deep down, I almost didn't want to talk to her at all, because of the pain I am going through right now.

 

Some of the mixed message we really weird, just not sure how to take some of them. (adlib from what was said last night)

 

1. I want you over for Christmas diner.

 

2. Someone like you is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, but not right now.

 

3. Our relationship is much more than I could have ever expected, but need space so that I can think about what I am doing.

 

4. I miss you more than anything, but don't want to see you.

 

5. You say all the right things, you do all the right things, you treat me like a queen, but I think we should see other people.

 

6. You have been stressed and I want you to take time for yourself, I need time to think right now about my life. I hope you do well and are successfull in life.

 

What am I supposed to think about loaded comments like this. I am aware that she is going through one of the hardest times in her life where her parents are in the process of going through a messy divorce, and her mother tells her everything. Which at this moment in time, I am very resentful toward her for doing this to her daughter, she is frail, but her daughter is as well. My 'ex' cannot express deep emotions at times, and is well aware that she cannot tell this to anyone. The scary part is that the second closet person to her before we broke up, was her sister, who she cannot tell anything about the situation about their parents to her. Her sister never knew anythign about the "problems", until almost 1.5yrs after I knew, which crushed her. Just scared that she will become clinically depressed at the fact that she has to carry these boulders on her shoulder.

 

Not one of our "arguments" were more than pitty little arguments such as "what are we are we doing tonight?". Just don;t know where the cold shoulder came from.

 

She did try to explain what went on out east on her trip (not sure if you read my original post), but she says that being out in a different area, and not being strapped down to me for a week opened her eyes, on what she was missing out on, how life can be so different being away from someone. Just that I am really scared, and still feel she was not completely honest with me as to what went on out there.

 

She also stated yesterday that since her return, she still loved me but needed some space, and by her pushing me away it was the only way that she could attempt to have her own space, but by hr doing that, it made me feel like I was pulling her close....which in my opinon means I was worried about her, and it showed.

 

Not sure if she is scared of loving right now, with the problems and major male bashing that her mother shows, or if she just softly wanted to break up with me, by trying to be as mean and cold as possible to force me to leave.

 

Just like everyone else here, we are all looking for the answer to our problems, but we will still not be able to find them. Everyone is different, and even if each situation is similar, they are all different.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

- G

[PhotoGuy]

Well the simple solution is that there are no answers. Its just the way it is. The best way i can explain what MAY be going on in her head is this. Sometimes it seems that women want to know that they are with the right person. Especially if they have been with said person for so long. That is sort of my situation right now with my girl.

 

I think you hit one important part in your last post that you may not be paying attention to. Her parents are going through a divorce. For some people, something like this really puts a whole different spin on things. She may be seeing what her parents are going through and being that she is close with her mom, be really having second guesses about her own life right now, and being terrified of going through some pain like that. Regardless of how wonderful you are to her, or how much she loves you, this is something that she needs to do for herself. It's not that life is better without you,its that sometimes it's easier to live your life for yourself for a little while. Go off the deep end, make stupid decisions, and not have to deal with hurting someone who loves them in the process.

 

She very well may have sex with other people, and if her esteem is low, that is kind of the best thing for her. I know it'shard to swallow, and I know it stings to think of someone other bastards paws all over her, but such is life. I can tell you this however, you will never, EVER be replaced by her. Just like you will never replace her. If it never works out for the two of you, you WILL find happiness again, I swear it to you. But you really need to take the time now and focus on you. You have to have all of your emotions out, hatred, anger, depression, tears, all of it needs to come out. And only YOU can deal with that. I was slightly fortunate in that the 12 hour drive from there to here was my time to deal with things. I cried, I yelled, I punched the steering wheel, I cried some more. By the time I got home, I was tired of it and it hit me like a ton of bricks that just because I am not with the love of my life, does not mean that my life is over. After all, I was happy before we were togehter, why couldn't I be happy without her.

 

There is something liberating about coming out of a relationship like that. You learn things about yourself, you question yourself daily, and in time you start to feel awesome about yourself. Just know this, G, this has NOTHING to do with you. You are probably not a bad person, you were probably not mean to her, and you were probably always there for her. The issues are solely hers, and hers alone. Just give her the space she asks for. Don't question her about her motives or what she is doing with men when you talk. Don't ask her when and if you are getting back together with her. Just let her be. It if is too hard for you to talk to her and to hear from here, than you need to cut her out for a bit. Don't look at it like you will get back together, she may need to be dead to you now. Give yourself time for yourself for a month, or two or whatever, than reavaluate the situation.

 

I am in a position now where I have dealt with my emotions, I have dealt with being alone, and when we talk, I don't ask questions regarding us. we just talk about ongoing things, whats new sort of stuff. Do you have that kind of relationship that you can talk for hours about nothing? If you do, let her see that again.

 

Look at it this way, would you want to call someone and talk to them if all they did was ask you why you were doing such and such, and them showing you that you are hurting them? I know I wouldn't. If you guys are as close as you say, than there is a freindship there. Be her freind now, it sounds like she needs it. But like I said, if it is too hard for you, than you can't do that right now, to yourself.

 

If you get off the phone with her and cry, or get more confused or try to read into everything she says, than i think you need to stop talking with her for a little bit and deal with what you are feeling on your own.

 

I know it's cliche but whatever will be, will be. Just heal yourself for now, ok

[Ganou]

Photoguy,

 

Yeah I undersatnd what you are saying. Like I said earlier...I am sorry I had to call yesterday, I truly am....but I still want to give her as much space as possible.

 

I want her to see for herself, that I am the one for her. As for dating anyone else, I don;t think I would be able to do that for a long time, months if not longer. I am a very closed person when it comes to the opposite sex, trust me it took me a long time to even have enough nerve to even confront her, or to even express my emotions.

 

Hopefully she doesn't think that I need to start dating anyone else, cause I've been around many countries and have yet to find anyone like her, she is the most special person I have ever met. Trust me, the length of time I had her number and was very hesitant to call is sooooo stupid on my part (2 months). It seemed almost like it was meant to be, that we get together. Trust me she is way out of my league, but I must have meant something to her if she has been with me this long, and hopefully for much longer.

 

I have been hanging around a lot of freinds lately, which is making things pass by much better that I thought I would ever handle it. Still at night, I can't stop tinking about her, which does make it really hard to sleep, I am a worrier and always will be, nothing will change that. I will always love her no matter the outcome to the situation.....just that deep down inside I will never forget her.

 

Thanks again for you posts, they are very helpfull during these hard times.

 

- Ganou

[PhotoGuy]

so anyone?