time to think after 7.5 years

[PhotoGuy]

OK, this is going to be a long one, so please bear with me here.

 

I am a 29 year old male. I have been in a relationship with a girl for the past 7.5 years. Everything has been going great. We lived together for 5 while we were both in college, moved back home for a little while where we lived at ourn respective parents house for about a year and half, and moved in together again where she was going to school for her phd. With me so far.

 

The relationship was great for the most part. We were both very very happy with each other, we were each others best freinds, we had lots of freinds, whom we always hung out with. We weren't the typical couple that ditched all of our freinds. As I said everything was great until....

 

She recently started grad school for her masters, and to move on to her phd. I am a freelance graphic designer and have th ability to work from anywhere I choose. We always discussed our future and basically the agreement we came to was that she wanted to go to school for her phd. Which I was in full support of. The arrangement we had was that as long as I wasn't tied to a job, we would go together. So she applied to a dozen or so schools, got into two of them. She chose, I agreed, we found a place and moved. Everything is great. I should make note here, that I have a tendancy to get jealous here and there, nothing too drastic, just typical guy jealousy stuff. Well after about 2 months into the new move, she breaks down and confides in me. She tells me that she is very confused and that she is not sure what she wants in her future. She knows she wants to be a professor of russian history, but not sure if she wants to get married, not sure if she wants kids, not sure if I am the right guy for her, or If she is the right girl for me.

 

It should also be noted that we had always talked about getting married, I was on the road to getting her a ring after a long stint in school and time without work. Money was rolling in, I was able to support her somewhat while she was in school etc. We had a plan together. We both knew what we wanted. I was pursuing my dreams, and she was pursuing hers. She starts with I have sacrificed so much of my life for her, and she doesnt think that is fair for me, she is just confused. So being a guy, I immediatly think there is someone else, I guess it was my way of dealing with a situation that I didn't understand. Long story short, there is no other guy. She is just confused.

 

That night she said she needed some time and space to figure things out, to find herself etc etc. Which is further pushing me to beleive there is another guy. I told her that if I leave that it is over, that I will not take her calls, and she will never see me again. After I start packing my things, she breaks down and begs me to stay and talk. So we talk.

 

She goes on to say that she feels guilty because she is making freinds and I am not, and that when she goes out with her friends, she feels bad that I am at home. Not that I ever gave her any sort of grief over any of that type of stuff. It should also be noted that she was at this school for 8 weeks over the summer for a language program, so that is where she met people. She also went on to say that she felt guilty because most of her time is going to be involved in school, and she will have to spend time in russia. This is all stuff that I already knew. I knew she was going to be busy with school, I knew that she would have to spend a few months at a time in russia studying. This was the agreement, I was in support of that. Our relationship has weathered time apart, long distance, living together, etc. After I tell her that I knew all of this, and none of it was a shock to me, she begged me to stay, told me we could work it out.

 

So I stay, but the next day I get it in my head that part of her confusion could be do to the fact that we haven't really put much us time in, in a long time. So I tell her all of this, which I think upset her more. Because I think she read it as me being dependant on her. Which of course we both depend on each other for somethings, but not everything.

 

So after about two weeks, we start to distance ourselves a little bit, long story short, I felt she was avoioding me, and she was pretty much right back to square one with the confusion. So we talk and both agree that time and space are a good thing. She feels she needs to find herself again (she is a fairly independant girl) and figure out what she wants.

 

So I move back to our hometown (12 hours away) before I left I sent her this long email just sort of reaffirming my love for her, etc etc etc. I have not made any effort to contact her since, but she still emails me every few days.

 

In one of the first emails she sent me:

I love you so much, and had to clean today--changed the sheets and washed the

comforter and cleaned the bathrooms (can you believe I cleaned a toilet?) b/c I

needed to get rid of your smell and all traces of you. But I realized that it's

not possible, b/c I am who I am b/c of you, and I am a better person b/c of

you. You have given me anything I could have ever wanted in life, and more.

I'll figure this out, and I have every intention of returning to you. But, in

the same vein, don't wait for me, Steve. I don't expect you to. But know that

you will always be the great love of my life, and will always occupy the

primary place in my heart.

 

So now what in the name of all that is holy am I supposed to think of this. I must say this, she is not the type of woman to ever tell anyone something for their benefit, she speaks her mind always. So with that, am I supposed to think that this relationship is really over and she wants out. Or does she just really want to get her head on straight, and see if she can stand on her own two feet for a while.

 

I tend to think its the latter, I assume it is going to be a long road for this phd, and I can only assume that she needs to know that she can go to russia and do the things she needs to do on her own, without someone to lean on.

 

The key of all of this, is that this just happened this week. I am not all that broken up about it, I miss her greatly, and love her with every ounce of her soul. But it's almost like god, my mind and my heart are telling me that this is just temporary and to take advantage of this time to fix myself up, do some things that I always wanted to do. BUt not to look at this at the end. I have tried to look at it like the relationship is over and that is that, but nothing will let me do that.

 

Anyone with any advice on this subject would greatly be appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance

[gwennebe]

It sounds like you are on the right track and handling this very well compared to how I would be handling the same situation. I suggest keeping up with the no contact for awhile longer and really give her some time away from you to think about things some more.

 

Maybe because you were together for so long and had such a great relationship she is now freaking out wondering if you are meant to be together for the "long haul". Maybe she just wants to be sure. Hopefully this time apart will give you both time to be sure you are meant to be together.

 

That's about all I can offer. I'm sorry you have to go through this but I'm sure she is hurting also and misses you. Keep me updated and good luck.

[Weird]

dude, I have experienced a sort of similar situation. Well, the setting isn't the same but the girl freaking out and suddenly wanting to be alone to figure stuff out and me wondering wtf is going on and all that jazz. Here is my advice...

 

Just try and go along with it and give her the space. She obviously loves you and isn't going to just throw that away. She really does sound like she is confused and scared of her future (the uncertainty) and she is freaking out and is getting defensive in that she doesnt want you to get fugged over by her. My ex did this and no matter how much I told her I'd be there to support her and stuff she just kept feeling guilty and acted like my life would be ruined if I made some sacrifices for her. It pissed me off and I pressed and it just made things worse. I also heard the same stuff about the friends and how she felt guilty wanting to hang with them mroe and crap.

 

I think your ex feels a similar way and really doesn't want you to get screwed while she is trying to figure out things and "faces the real world" and it sounds like she is trying to make you think she isn't good enough for you by the "don't wait for me steve" line. Why women do this is BEYOND ME but many seem to do it and it is frusrtating. It is like they can't accept that a guy loves them so much they would do whatever it takes to be with them and would always be there to support them. Ugh.

 

Anyway, I say you just give her the space and try and understand this isn't about you or anything you did wrong. I highly doubt she wants or will get together wiht another guy. It really sounds like she just needs time by herslef to figure stuff out. If you try and press the situation it will just make her feel worse and will make you feel worse. If you truly believe in this woman and that you two are meant to be together it will happen. Now is the time to show that you have faith in her and that you're meant to be together. I know it's tough but you have to do it.

 

Patience my friend...trust me on that one.

[whichwayisup]

Never rush a good thing. Just wait her out, let her do what she is going to do. I know that probably is quite painful for you but she does love you and you two are going to end up together!

 

Time and love is on your side. I know it's hard and I'm sorry you're feeling alot of pain and confusion...

 

Hang in there!! Good luck and keep posting!

[WantanS4]

Steve,

 

Oh... if only i had found this forum when it happened to me. I was with her for 6 years... and when she called it quits, I was the MOST in love with her I had ever been. It's been almost 5 months now, and everyday i lose hope, but something inside says 'wait.............wait........ wait'.

 

Listen to what these people have to say, it's EXCELLENT advice.

 

I made so many mistakes handling the 'i need time' situation....... i persisted, i pressed, i begged, i cried, i pleaded. I made every mistake you can make in the book. Now, I'm letting time do the work, however long it wishes to take.

 

If you ever feel lonely, or lost, or just plain down, POST POST POST. Don't ever turn to her for comfort or reflection.

 

peace be with you, because I know that's all I wanted.

[PhotoGuy]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support.

 

Heres the trick of it, every other relationship that has ever ended in my life, I have always persisted, pursued, stlaked, etc. I never gave them any time or space, because frankly F... them, I wanted answers.

 

In this instance, there is no question. Do I want to talk to her, of course, its hard not to, butI'm not mad at her, I have no hostility or hatred for her, I'm just hanging back and doing my thing. I shock myself with how much I have grown as a person over the years. Was a time I would have been bashing her to everyone that would listen, and I would have made every effort to get in touch with her. But inside me I know that she just needs some time to gifure things out and everything will be fine between us. I don't think I am being blind to anything with this,I dont think I am filling myself with false hope. She is the type of girl that if she wanted it to be over, she would of come right and say "it's over I don't want to be with you" She doesnt play head games of any sorts, even when we first got together, she was very clear with what she wanted. No beating around the bush, no games, straight up how it is.

 

So I feel good knowing that our relationship is so mature and strong that I can giver her time and space to figure it out and not feel like I lost my pride. I have the strongest belief that was is meant to be will be. I relaly do.

 

I can tell you this though, the hardest part was the other night when her parents called to check on me. That was rough, they were both hysterical crying. Her father included. He went on to say "I love you like a son, I really do" When I told him not to be upset and to not be mad at her for any of this, and that if we are meant to be together we will be and I feel in my heart and soul that we will, he said while crying "You are the most amazing man I have ever met". This is not a man of emotion or sappy words, he is a mans man, he is the big tough guy type. That was really really hard on me. But in the sense it made me feel a little better. If her parents know that we are right for each other and have not had a problem with our relationship (we spent alot of time with them over the years, vactaions and what not) then she must also on some level feel that way.

 

Her mother is visiting with her this weekend, so hopefully they are having some good talks and my girl is getting closer to figuring out what is what. She has been really too busy with school to have a full on conversation with anyone about this. I really do want the best for her in her life and for always, I always have and always told her that.

 

Its a very very tricky situation. So all of you please pray for us that we find our ways as individuals, and we also find our ways back to each other. I have come to the realization that I dont "NEED" her in my life, I really don't I will be me with or without her. Instead I want her in my life. And there is a huge difference between the two.

 

Thanks for listening to me everyone, a

[whichwayisup]

You seem to have been doing alot of thinking about this, so just hang in there abit longer. Hopefully she is seeing a therapist or something and that will help!

 

Her family's support around you is wonderful, so include them alot, speak to them and just let them know too that you love her and will wait. IF she is worth it, you love her with all your heart and soul then DON'T GIVE UP EVER.

Just be sure this is what you want, because if she has depression, it could be like this alot, those ups and downs throughout your lives together. But once you make that decesion then stick it to. It will be extremely hard on you and her and the relationship, but I do believe love and soulmates that are meant to be together will stay together no matter what. Always keep in that your head OK?

 

Best of luck, sending good energy your way and keep posting!

[Weird]

Steve,

 

man, that sounds awesome. If you mean that much to her folks then there is no question how important you are for her and I have no doubt you two will be together forever once she figures some stuff out.

 

It is good to hear that you will not try to press the situation and good to hear you have seen how much you have matured over the years.

[PhotoGuy]

Just a little update, not really a big deal.

 

I sent her a text message earlier "Wanted to say hi and let you know I was thinking of you"

 

I honestly didnt think she was going to respond (I was scared) A few minutes later she responded

 

"At dinner with mom, think of you always, love you"

 

Still not 100% sure what is going on or how this is going to end, but I am very positive about the outcome.

[whichwayisup]

That is great though and it's a sign that it will be OK. Patience is the key here and it's worth the wait.

 

Glad you posted and my thoughts are positive for you both!

 

All the best!!

[PhotoGuy]

Just a little update on an email I received this morning.

 

I had sent her a text last night just to say hi, she responded back to say hello. this was the email I got this morning. Kind makes me think????

 

 

Good morning, sunshine,

Thanks for texting me last night; it was good (although also painful) to hear

from you. I sincerely hope that you are doing okay--that work is going well,

that you are feeling well, and that you are having fun at home.

I miss you so much; every time I walk in this door part of me expects to see

you sitting here, or expects that if I go upstairs you'll be sitting at your

desk, talking to Kjell for the 100th time that day.... All your things are

exactly how you left them; I can't bear to move them. I can still feel your

presence in this apt. When my mom was here she asked if I had any tea, and I

went to look and found your box of "Morning Thunder", still unopened, and

starting crying immediately. And every day I think about how much less it would

hurt if I just called you and begged you to come back here, so I could see your

handsome face every morning when I got up, and every night before I go to bed.

But I know that would be wrong, b/c in a day or a week or a month we'd be right

back at the beginning, b/c I haven't yet figured out what I want. I just want

you to know that I love you and think of you all the time. And that you did

absolutely nothing wrong and have done everything to make this as easy for me

as possible. I have no intentions of dating anyone else, not now and, if things

ultimately don't work out between us, not for a long time. B/c if I wanted to

be with someone right now, it would be you, and if I wanted to get married, it

would be to you. I don't expect to ever find love or happiness again like I had

with you. I just for now need to be alone so I can figure out what my problem

is exactly. I hope you can and do understand that.

But, my dear Steve, please do move forward with your life. Please don't NOT do

anything b/c you are waiting on me, b/c I'd feel guilty forever if I thought

you were doing that. You are always saying you just want me to be happy, and I

want the same for you. "If you love something, set it free" is a famous

expression. I love you enough to set you free. And I sincerely hope we find our

way back to each other someday soon. But I want the absolute best things in

life for you, even if those things don't include me. Promise me you'll take

this time to examine yourself and do everything that makes you happy.

Thank you for loving me, and for loving me enough to walk away.

[whichwayisup]

Yep, makes ya think. What do you think? How do you feel now?

 

She seems to just want some time and space to figure stuff out. I guess now the ball is in your court if you love her and she is the one, she has your heart, then wait around for her. Don't put your life on hold, live life and be happy, but just on a relationship level don't get involved with anyone. What I got out that email was she is deeply inlove with you but feels alot of guilt by keeping you at arms length until she is ready! You two definately need to talk and figure something out!!

 

It's a good sign and good energy coming from that email you got!

 

Good luck and I do hope you two talk!

 

WWIU

[PhotoGuy]

How do I feel now, I am still in love with her, and still want her in my life forever. unquestionably. I have had time to think, and time to reflect, and I know in my heart and soul that we are meant to be together.

 

In my life right now, nothng has changed, I am still doing the things I love to do, that has never been a problem.

 

I know that she loves me but she seems to be so scared of the future and making the right decisions. EVERYONE, and I mean everyone around us, family freinds, etc know that we are right for each other. She is just in a bad place in her head right now.

 

Will I wait for her, you bet your damn **** I will. I have been to the bars, and had girls asking me for numbers, and they dont even come close the what I felt when I first met this girl. There was soemthing magical and retarded about us. We just clicked.

 

If I waited and it never worked out for us, would I feel regret? No way, the feelings that she gives me inside can not be replaced.

 

Did that email confuse me? I don't think so, I think if she said, I have been having the time of life and dont miss you I would be confused. But I haven't made phone contact with her yet, to give her that space. She is that important to me that i want her to find herself again, whatever got lost I want her to get back. I have left it open with her that we would email, and text each other for a little while until she was ready to talk.

 

I spoke with her mom tonight, after her trip out there and her mother said she was in pretty rough shape. They went to a vineyard that we both wanted to go to, and my girl broked down in tears and had to leave. This is a little while after I had left.

 

Why women have to put themselves through this is beyone me.

 

I pray for her everynight that she finds her was. That she finds the strength that she needs to find herself. Can she do it without me, hell yeah, but I think that is the bottom line is that she needs to see that.

 

Am I still in good spirits? Of course I am, I'm not mad at her, I have no hostility towards her, in fact i am proud of her for this. How many people do any of you know would stop the comfort to feel the love again?

 

I will keep all of you informed of any other updates, and I really do appreciate all of your support and well wishes.

 

Thanks

 

I promise you this though, if we do get back together I will not leave all of you hanging, I will not dissappear. I will keep everyone informed.

[Weird]

seems like she wants to be with you and knows you two are meant to be but she doesnt want you to hold back from "living your life" just for her. People seem to say that even though they really mean this:

 

"I want you to wait for me and hope you never date anyone else while we are apart"

 

but they feel if they say that they are being selfish.

 

My ex is sorta doing the same thing.

[whichwayisup]

Hey Photoguy! Well, that is great news and I'm really happy for you!!

 

You hang in there...It will be worth the wait!

[PhotoGuy]

Just an update to the situation.

 

It has now been about 4 weeks since my ex and have been on break. We have chatted through email here and there, nothing too serious. After last thursday i decided that I was not going to email her about anything and let her email me first.

 

Well days went by and nothing, I was keeping oepn about it, because I figured it was hard for her, and even harder for her to not hear from me.

 

Well last night, she IM'd me. one of our girlfreinds got engaged over the weekend, and I was pretty sure that I would hear from my GF (or ex) So last night the im says, "did you hear about joanne" so I said yeah and she asked how i felt about it, blah blah blha.

 

She goes on to say that she was at a gathering at the school for the history dept and people were asking where i was I responded with a :-( She responsded by saying "do you miss me'

 

long story short, she went on to say that she loves me and misses me and that she is sorry for doing this to me, and that everyday is hard and she cries everyday, blah blah blah.

 

To restate that this is not a girl who pulls crap like this to make herself feel better, or to know that im still wating idly by.

 

It really gave me a warm feeling inside because she obviously still feels strongly about me (if not stronger) that all of this is going on.

 

I still miss her soo much and it is hard not to talk to her everyday, but i am still in positive spirits that we will find our way back to each other. It's almost like i want to ask why she is doing this herself. Why if a woman loves a man so much, and wants to be with him would she put herself through this?

 

she really is a wonderful person, and now that I have had time to reflect on everything i can't find one bad thing in our relationship or about her. it was the perfect relationship, and she agrees on that.

 

I will continue to keep my chin up, and be positive and i still feel like waiting for her is the right thing to do. She is my soulmate, and my everything. We are desitined to be together, to qoute tom petty, "the waiting is the hardest part"

[PhotoGuy]

Hi sunshine,

 

Well, unfortunately that link you sent me to the Giants' radio broadcast didn't

work, but from what my mom said they played terribly, so maybe it's better that

I didn't listen. At least the Eagles got humiliated by Pittsburgh, right? Did

you see McNabb get picked off when he tried to get rid of the ball instead of

taking the sack? It was beautiful. They showed the replay about 20 times on

Sportscenter last night. It was really great.

Did you know that J. got a dog? A lab/poodle mix. I talked to her yesterday.

She said K. is moving to Pittsburgh in two weeks. I should really call K.

and find out what's up.

Did you do anything fun this weekend? Fri. night I went out to dinner with the

girls; we went to M G, where T. works. It was so good. I had this

vegetable linguini thing, and T. got us 10% off the bill. Sat. he had a

trumpet concert at the school so I went to see that, and then just came back

here and did work. Oh, last night you would have been proud of me; I made

hamburgers (fried on the stove, not grilled) and they actually turned out

edible! I had one last night and one tonight. Of course, I burned my finger

taking the french fries out of the oven, so you can imagine the cursing I did

then. It hurt for over an hour. I'm concerned it might need to be amputated.

There's a blister.

How are you doing? I mean, really? I feel that we didn't talk much about you

the other day on the phone. I'm feeling a little more blue than usual right

now, and I'm not sure why exactly. I just want to know that you are okay. The

last thing in the whole world that I want to do is hurt you, so if you are

hurting, please let me know. I am, but that's my own fault.

Please call my mom soon; she misses you. Say hello to everyone for me (I'm

still avoiding most phone calls) and kiss Nanuk from me, but don't say from me,

b/c I don't want him to get excited and look at the garage door. I'll try to

send you your mail this week. I love you.

 

C.

 

Just an update on an email I received tonight. I am trying so hard to do the right thing here and I don't know what that is. I still am so madly in love with her. Of course it is hard to be away from her, but I am still living my life and going out with freinds and stuff.

 

I don't know if these are guilt emails, or what is going on. Women are so confusing. We are still holding true to get together over Christmas. she also said that she was going to stay at school for Turkey day, but that none of her freinds would be there. I offered to go out there and spend it with her, no strings attached and I would stay in a hotel. To which she responded "that is soo tempting" I cut her off and said :"look you don't have to decide now, take your time think about it, if you want me to, great, if you don't, no hard feelings"

 

So I just thought I would update yall on the status. Any pointers or suggestions would be appreciated.

 

Again, thanks for all of your wonderful support