Back to day number 1

[tiernan]

I am back to where I was three weeks ago when I went NC with my xmm when he expressed the wish to come back to his family after two years of being with me in the open. As soon as he moved in back with BS he started frantically e-mailing and calling with voicemails begging me to take him back that he realised what mistake it was and wants and loves only me.

Yesterday I was literally forced to reply, so I did. I said that I ask him not to contact me anymore and that he can only come to me when lives on his own and have signed the divorce papers. So he stopped contacting me. And I back to day 1 feeling a horrible pain as if I finished with him again, this time for good. I am so brokenhearted that it came to this.

[imbetteroff]

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry for your pain, but I think it's the only shot you have if you want this to work out long term.

[Ruffian1]

You did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself.

Two years??! He should have known what he wanted by then.

Hang tough, you deserve better.

[Goodbye]

I had a couple of interim break ups before lasting NC. Each one gets a little bit easier. Hang in there.

[cat]

Ugh those steps back are so hard. I had one myself yesterday, and you were supportive of me!

 

It may be that he is doing exactly what you ask. For what it's worth, you can't take him back when he's in the state of begging/piining for you because the relationship would be seriously out-of-balance. Think about how any healthy, stable relationship you have had has started and think about how you and he might get to that point. Limited baggage, stable emotions, clear head. By the time he comes back around the pain/intensity will be dialed back and you will be able to see the relationship clearly.

 

You did the right thing, you really did. What you have now is better than what you had before, even if RIGHT NOW it feels bad. I'm really proud of you!!

 

You said you're borkenhearted that it came to this, but really this is the only place for it to come to. Really.

 

You said you were forced to reply--why is that? DId something happen?

 

Sending many, many hugs. Good for you for choosing YOURSELF alone, not YOURSELF with HIM. It will be best for you in the end.

[ladydesigner]

(((tiernan))) I'm sorry you are hurting. Years ago when my A ended I had to go NC. Anytime NC was broken it set me back. That is why keeping NC is essential for YOU. Forget about your exMM and his wife right now, focus on yourself and do everything you've always wanted to do, get healthy and don't get into an A again.

 

One day you will be happy it finished for good and you will see how disrespectful you were being treated. This man sounds like he doesn't even know himself. The best thing he could do is get himself into therapy. He sounds like a very mixed up individual.

 

Good luck with NC. You can do it, one second at a time

[tiernan]

It is an update of the situation - he wrote today so happy I replied at all. He declared he would do all I want. He will come to me after he lives on his own and with divorce completed as all he wants is to be with me.

And now what do I do??? I know I have to stay NC until it really happens and not to think of him. He wrote again later saying he knows he has to stay away but just to tell me that he loves me and thinking of me. Do you think it looks promising at all?? Should I just carry on as normal and stay NC???

Has anyone been in the situation?

[ladydesigner]

It is an update of the situation - he wrote today so happy I replied at all. He declared he would do all I want. He will come to me after he lives on his own and with divorce completed as all he wants is to be with me.

And now what do I do??? I know I have to stay NC until it really happens and not to think of him. He wrote again later saying he knows he has to stay away but just to tell me that he loves me and thinking of me. Do you think it looks promising at all?? Should I just carry on as normal and stay NC???

Has anyone been in the situation?

 

I just have 5 simple words: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

 

Stay NC

[cif]

It is an update of the situation - he wrote today so happy I replied at all. He declared he would do all I want. He will come to me after he lives on his own and with divorce completed as all he wants is to be with me.

And now what do I do??? I know I have to stay NC until it really happens and not to think of him. He wrote again later saying he knows he has to stay away but just to tell me that he loves me and thinking of me. Do you think it looks promising at all?? Should I just carry on as normal and stay NC???

Has anyone been in the situation?

 

I'm going to be optomistic here and say there may be hope. The guy sounds miserable with BS, and he was only back for 5 days before emailing you like a lunatic. But for your own sanity please stay NC. Did you reply back? Only time will tell if he'll take action but he most likely won't if you start things up again.

[Cali408]

Tiernan my dear,

 

Go on with your life and date. Tell him not to contact you until the ink is dry on the divorce. Then you can decide what you want. Let go of hope. Assume he's out of your life.

 

You'll find that after alimony, child support, and undergoing the stress of a divorce, you might not want what you ask for.

 

Don't worry about the days of NC, just get through today.

[Hazyhead]

It is an update of the situation - he wrote today so happy I replied at all. He declared he would do all I want. He will come to me after he lives on his own and with divorce completed as all he wants is to be with me.

And now what do I do??? I know I have to stay NC until it really happens and not to think of him. He wrote again later saying he knows he has to stay away but just to tell me that he loves me and thinking of me. Do you think it looks promising at all?? Should I just carry on as normal and stay NC???

Has anyone been in the situation?

 

Tiernan, as best you can, you have to not dwell on the hope. You are where you are because, as it stands, he is not offering you enough, and that is presently all that matters. I think you should start living as if he isn't going to call you back because that way you're covered regardless, and, more importantly, your life takes an upward turn, being affair free. Don't compromise for less than you truly want just for the sake of having something, however small, otherwise things will never change.

[hollyhillcourt]

It is an update of the situation - he wrote today so happy I replied at all. He declared he would do all I want. He will come to me after he lives on his own and with divorce completed as all he wants is to be with me.

And now what do I do??? I know I have to stay NC until it really happens and not to think of him. He wrote again later saying he knows he has to stay away but just to tell me that he loves me and thinking of me. Do you think it looks promising at all?? Should I just carry on as normal and stay NC???

Has anyone been in the situation?

 

 

First of all, I am proud of you. What else can you do?

 

Secondly, I agree with imbetteroff - calling his bluff is the ONLY way for long-term success. Processing the pain by him and laying down your minimum standards is the best possible way to get what you want. It sometimes seems counter-intuitive. But it will work.

 

NC is where you have to stay and is where the power lies for you in this situation. He obviously cares. So that validates the situation. Hold on to that and stay NC. I would not reply any more to him, and force yourself to use the 24-hour rule when you want to reach out or reply. And, if you absolutely have to, I would be as short and blasé as possible.

[georgia girl]

Don't reply. If he's really serious, he'll keep coming back. He will work for it.

 

When my husband was still a boyfriend, we broke up after a year when he said he wasn't sure about committing to me. I went no contact and he immediately regretted. Tough luck, buttercup. You did it. Not going back.

 

It took a couple of months of HIS constant efforts and a very, very well-intentioned friend to get me to even have lunch with him. I hadn't talked to him since the day we broke up. He was so nervous, he knocked over a drink at lunch. That was - and is to this day - the most endearing thing my husband has ever done for me.

 

But, he needs to chase. He needs to make this right and here's the deal: you CAN'T help him. Don't give him advice, direction or even encouragement. It's time he wear his big boy pants and figure it all out on his own.

 

If he does, I have a good feeling he's yours for life. But if you help him and make it easy for him? He just ain't going to value it so much.

 

I am so grateful that my husband and I have the relationship we have, but he would be the first to tell you that had I capitulated, we wouldn't be here today. He really had to understand what he wanted, how he was going to get it and feel very vulnerable that everything he wanted in his life may have just been lost to him.

 

Do this for you after all of the hurt you've been through and so you don't get your hopes up falsely. But also do it for him. He'll value you if he has to take a risk and do a lot of work. They are men and evidently, they do need to do this.