Ouch...a story from a BH

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP. Your wife is not taking responsibility. After a forced disclosure she did not choose to make, she is now faulting you, and much to your credit though it is to admit your past emotional distance and lack of perfection, this is really beside the point. Which is that she cheated on you for 80% of your marriage *at least* and to consider trusting anything she says is foolish.

 

This one is not going to come out stronger than before. I can not see trust returning or being justified.

 

Please OP do not invest your time and emotional energy in this. What you have put in so far is a sunk cost - you can't make good on this marriage, but you can make a better one elsewhere.

 

Start the ball rolling. See a lawyer. Tell her you are divorcing and she does not get to make that decision. Only if you really must, decide what would make you stay to try to work it out and give her a one time shot at%2

Edited September 27, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[AlwaysGrowing]

Personally, because I have Self Respect, if my spouse said to me (who has been having an affair for 4 years) that if I don't do x,y,z then they will continue to see their lover. I would tell them to f'off.

 

I would pay to have the speediest divorce I could.

 

I wouldn't respond well to someone cutting off my limb, then asking me to make them breakfast the next morning. But maybe thats just me.

[Try]

She is trying to put this on me, saying that I have to prove to her that in order for her to blow up her current situation, I have to prove that I won't hurt her ever again by showing her increased affection and attention. I don't feel like she deserves any affection or attention right now honestly...so we're at an impass.

She just told you that she has been cheating on for most of your marraige, and that she will not stop f**king this other man (OM) until you earn the privilege of her honoring her wedding vows to you by kissing her ars. She has no respect for you at all.

 

she won't got NC immediately and wants to "let him down gently".

Even though you now know about it, she intends to continue to f**ck the OM's brains out because the OM and her have been doing this so often and for so long that they think that he has a right to this sex. The OM's feeling matter more to your wife than your feelings, because he is your wife's primary relationship. Knowing that you know, every time that the OM b*ngs your wife, both of them will be laughing at you in full disrespect. Thinking of your humiliation as he f**ks her will make the sex even better for both of them. If she cared or respected you at all, she would have dropped the OM and would be begging you to forgive her and to give her a second chance. Sorry for the graphic wording, but I am trying to wake you up to the reality of the situation.

 

The question is why you are allowing this? Why are you still in this marraige with such and unremorseful cheater? This marraige was over at least 4 years ago and probably before it started.

Edited September 27, 2013 by Try

[aliveagain]

You will never, ever get over this, why are you wasting your time negotiating your future with her? Why are you giving her control? There is no recovery here, she's still in her affair and she's telling you to get your sh*t together? If it takes you more than a nano second to make a decision than......na, don't want to go there.

[velvette]

You cant negotiate with someone who is still in an A and holding onto it as a backup plan to the M.

 

Tell her she's either all in or all out. She doesn't get any more guarantees than you do that the M can be restored. If she's not strong enough to take that risk then she's not worth loving and you would be better off cutting your losses now.

[Zenstudent]

OP, she is very much taking you for granted. Prove to her that she really shouldn't.