I don't want to cheat but I'm unhappy in my marriage

[BetrayedH]

You have two ethical choices when faced with difficlties in a marriage. You csn either fix them or you can leave. Cheating is not one of those two choices. Frankly, it's not logical, healthy, or moral either.

 

You need to tell Chris that what you've been doing has been inappropriate (because your husband is your only male confidant), that you'll no longer have any contact with him, and that you ask that he respect your choice and your marriage by not contacting you either. Then you need to have a brutally honest conversation with your husband.

 

But don't leave your husband being the fool while you run around playing single while you're married. If you're going to play single, give him the respect of letting him do the same. Don't let him waste precious years of his life because you don't have the courage to let him go.

[atreides]

BetrayedH and other have great points,

 

what i do not find any connection or reason with is bring up how you can't get pregnant.

 

to me it came off as "i can't get pregnant" therefore "i like to party now and l like chris"

 

I get your H is not giving you as much attention as you need right now, so communicate that to him.

 

As others stated, you are already cheating via an EA. I just hope you don't stay in limbo on this or try to have your cake, via developing a relationship even more so with chris and 1. getting finally pregnant with your H but having cheated on him or 2. getting pregnant with the OM.

 

Please don't go down that road.

[Coolit]

You will only cheat physically if you want to. So don't.

 

I don't agree with people who hand out divorce as an ethical option. It to is breaking of almost all your vows and breaking your word. Sometimes divorce is the choice that has to be made. And it is definetly the lesser of two evils, by far.

 

But divorcing and going out and partying is not going to make you happy. It may be fun for a while but it won't last.

 

I would recommend IC and MC before you throw in the towel.

 

Also come clean with your spouse about everything.

 

And don't continue your EA with Chris.

[photogirl2006]

Try some of what you do with Chris with your husband. You have not had an affair yet but are going there...there is a book called te Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman I think you should get so you can learn better ways to communicate with him ... also Google The Five Love Languages quiz and take it. Remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. If you can't do any of that please divorce him....don't cheat on him and put him through that It's a pain like no other.

[readytohouse87]

Thank for the replies. The guilt over what I was doing consume me that I end up telling my husband everything just recently and also showed him all my messaged with Chris. He was still hurt by it and asked me twice He didn't touch you did he? You didn't sleep with him did you?

 

While he was relief this never became a physical affair, he still was hurt when I told him all that. He asked me if I love him or wanted out. Then he went on explaining how he already had booked an doctor's appointment for this upcoming Wednesday, how he had been thinking about me the whole time and that he always loved me, still does but feel cheated on and lied to.

 

He feels as if I had given my heart to someone else and now doesn't want to have a child with me at this moment. He stated that he will get over it but needs time but will forgive since I didn't do anything physical with him.

 

I promised to go NC with him. Now I'm wondering if I should quit my job since he works with me. I didn't meant o hurt my husband like that. I love him.

[Coolit]

 

I promised to go NC with him. Now I'm wondering if I should quit my job since he works with me. I didn't meant o hurt my husband like that. I love him.

 

yes, quitting your job is a must. It will not only make it harder for you to move on it will also torment your H daily. So even if H says uou don't have to, do it. The act will show your remorse plus that you are putting your H before mOney.

[readytohouse87]

thank God that you can't have a baby from your poor husband, it will be easier for him to divorce you when you cheat on him.

He already feels cheated on esp when I showed him our last text conversations I had with Chris when we had our cams.

 

After he read it, he said something like this

I don't know what to say. I really thought we were one for another.

[bubbaganoosh]

He already feels cheated on esp when I showed him our last text conversations I had with Chris when we had our cams.

 

After he read it, he said something like this

I don't know what to say. I really thought we were one for another.

 

Sweetheart. Understand this now. As of this post, you already have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. It's not should I quit my job but rather, I'm quitting as of now. Consider yourself lucky that your not on the outside looking in. If I were you I would be really worried because that last text, what ever that you and this guy talked about, really put a huge wound in your husband and no doubt, he's thinking about a lot of things that will not make you a real happy girl.

 

If your really serious about repairing the damage you caused to your husband you better show him that you mean it and you'll do whatever it takes to make it right. I know your only in your early 20's but your an adult. Start acting like one, take responsibility for your behavior and stop worrying about all the fun parties and focus on your marriage and your husbands feelings. He deserves to be treated better than he's getting.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

If you want to show your husband that he is NUMBER ONE in your life, this is what you will do:

 

1. Quit your job immediately. Don't even go in to quit, do it by phone. If they ask why, tell them.

 

2. Handwrite a no contact letter to Chris. Do not include "dear" or use any terms of endearment or niceties. The letter should be short, worded something like this: Chris, I love my husband more than anyone else in the world and I am ashamed of how I behaved. Do not ever attempt to contact me again. If you do, I will consider it harassment and go to the police to see if I can file charges against you. That's the way it has to be. Please respect my wishes. Signed, readytohouse87. After you write it, address an envelope to Chris, and give the envelope and letter to your husband to mail to Chris.

 

This shows you choosing working on your marriage over Chris quite emphatically, and your husband will take notice and will be more willing to forgive you. It will help him get over it.

 

If you do those two things, you will earn back a significant amount of trust and your husband will begin to feel that you really do love him more than Chris. If you do not do those two things, earning back trust will take substantially longer and your husband will suffer much, much more wondering how much you love him as compared to Chris.

 

Of course, if you do have a moment of weakness after this and do have any contact with Chris at all after this, then you are in worse position than when you started, because then your husband will never believe another word you say - if you tell him it's raining out, he will go outside to check rather than take your word for it.

Edited September 22, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[aliveagain]

Thank for the replies. The guilt over what I was doing consume me that I end up telling my husband everything just recently and also showed him all my messaged with Chris. He was still hurt by it and asked me twice He didn't touch you did he? You didn't sleep with him did you?

 

While he was relief this never became a physical affair, he still was hurt when I told him all that. He asked me if I love him or wanted out. Then he went on explaining how he already had booked an doctor's appointment for this upcoming Wednesday, how he had been thinking about me the whole time and that he always loved me, still does but feel cheated on and lied to.

 

He feels as if I had given my heart to someone else and now doesn't want to have a child with me at this moment. He stated that he will get over it but needs time but will forgive since I didn't do anything physical with him.

 

I promised to go NC with him. Now I'm wondering if I should quit my job since he works with me. I didn't meant o hurt my husband like that. I love him.

 

Resign immediately, what's more important your marriage or a job? It's a lot harder to replace a soulmate, future father of your children, you can find another job. Trust me, your words mean very little right now, your actions will cement your future. This is about rebuilding trust and showing him you chose him over O/M. Don't forget to write O/M a no contact letter, have the courtesy of letting your husband read it before you send it. Good for you girl, you just did something that took courage, I respect you for that.

[janedoe67]

I think resigning is imperative. As far as when, ask these things too:

 

Are you the primary breadwinner? Do you carry the insurance? Do you have children?

 

I have mixed feelings about someone losing everything and not being able to feed their kids. Maybe I'm soft. BUT, if you can at all survive, then quit now. If not, then talk to HR and make arrangements to AVOID the AP, look for jobs like your life depended on it, and be accessible at all times via phone or computer to your BS.

[Coolit]

Keep your job. Quit your marriage.

 

My brother and his wife have been together for over 10years and they married at 20-22 and are happy together. My parents have been married since they were 20 and have been together thru thick and thin.

 

Just because you are young doesn't mean you should bale when it gets tough. She stopped herself before getting physical which is more than most of us can say. If her Husband chooses to forgive her and she is willing to put in the work to her marriage I think she should do it instead of just quitting when things get tough.

 

Because you start quitting in life and you just keep on quitting. The hardest thing to learn is when letting go is not quitting.

[jnel921]

This guy Chris sounds like a dirtbag waiting for you to drop your drawers. He knows you are married and he has no commitment to you, so why entertain that. Do not wait to focus on your marriage once you cross a line you shouldn't have. You H may not forgive you.

 

So you like parties and drinking now? Why because Chris is there?

 

Ask yourself what the intention is for your behavior. If you want a new relationship. I suggest you give your H the respect of leaving him first without hurting him any further.

 

The frustrations of not being able to conceive is a two person problem. I am not so sure why this is reason for you to turn to someone else. Work on your issues with your H.

 

Good Luck.

[James-London]

I just skimmed through the above. It seems some people are telling you to leave your H and other people are telling you to quit your job and stay with your H. I don't think any of us can really know what is best for you to do.

 

However, you are much more lucky than most of here for 2 reasons. First, it did not become physical. This is a BIG deal for guys. Therefore, if you want to stay with your H, this should be much more feasible than if you had actually had sex with the OM. Second, where an affair does not end the relationship, it will almost certainly ensure much better communication between you two. All that stuff you were feeling but couldn't say before should now come out into the open. This will allow you both to learn more about each other and decide if being together is what you actually want for the long term.

 

Unless you are sure you want to leave your H, I would personally quit the job. If you need to find another job first etc., that is fine but you should totally avoid this OM in the meantime. If you guys are able to really communicate now (therapy could also help here) then you will look back on this in a year's time as a lucky escape - either because you left your H before kids came along, or because you saved your marriage before you actually cheated physically.

 

Just remember lots and lots of communication and don't force yourself into an early decision. It will take time to know what you want. Especially at your young age.

[klotzak]

Good for you coming clean and explaining everything to your H. You sailed pretty close to the wind but at least you've stopped. Any H would feel betrayed by what you've done, EAs are not far short of PAs, but they are different.

If you want to be with your H you need to eat some humble pie and give him lots of affection and attention, he's a good man who did NOT go looking for this.

[MYCluciferase]

I thought atreides hit the contradiction of your dilemma very well.

 

You're getting advice on pregnancy and on your EA from alternate posters.

 

Good advice, but which problem do you have?

 

Do you want to get pregnant and start a family? or do you want to party?

 

Reading your story it seems to me (and I could be totally wrong) that you and your husband got together young because you satisfied each others needs and interests in a certain way at a certain time, and now you're not sure that you are that person any more. You maybe feel the urge to party and go a little wild, and he seems to be more bookish than ever.

 

Well, so stop trying to conceive and sort out what you want first.

If you think you'll be happy together then get counseling and sort it out before going for the fertility path.

If not, then dissolve the relationship with dignity - it won't be fun, I've gone through the same thing - and go out and have some fun before settling down.

[Chi townD]

He already feels cheated on esp when I showed him our last text conversations I had with Chris when we had our cams.

 

After he read it, he said something like this

I don't know what to say. I really thought we were one for another.

 

Because you did cheat on him! Here's the rub. You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. A good definition of cheating is say or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other.

 

You became emotionally involved with another man. You shared thoughts and words that should have been exclusive to your husband. To the man that you promised before friends, family and God that you would love and honor for always and to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS!!

 

Yes, you need to change jobs. You need to reconnect with your husband and get to Marriage counseling ASAP. Count your blessing that your husband still wants to work on the marriage. For some, the emotional involvement with another man can be just as painful if not more so than a physical affair.