Got it Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Yes you are probably right. That is why I cut ties after she did. But this sudden initiating from her is just confusing. I just wish she would not greet me or try and get my attention. Unrequited love is harder to bear than lust. I don't think you understand what I am going through ... We as men do have lustful thoughts, but with this lady I think of running through tulip fields, romatic dinners, intimate moments of sharing (as well as lustful).. its driving me crazy! I know that it will never happen, I know its horse manure. And when I don't see her or talk to her, those thoughts drift away, but when she just says a simple "Hello". Then those thoughts come roaring back! Then you are bored in your life. Why do you have these feelings for, what is missing in your life and what can you do to get these feelings/validations in a healthy productive manner? Come on. Stop being such a little boy and man up. Stop playing the victim. This isn't love. This is a one sided, ridiculous crush that you are waxing poetic about and making into a trashy little novel. I don't know maybe you are bored, maybe tired of the middle life 20 pounds, maybe life isn't exactly what you wanted. But you are doing down a road that is going to produce what for you? You love your wife and aren't going to leave her? So why are you dangling it over the wolves? You are making vulnerable something that is seemingly very important to you. Do you see how ridiculous that is? And when everything hits the fan you will sit there, shaking your head, wondering what the hell just happened. Well, my friend, this is the wake up call. It isn't just happening. You are willing it to happen, you are wanting it to happen. You are wishing it to happen. And I ask why? I cheated, I was married, but I didn't care about gambling the marriage. I was divorcing. It makes no sense to me to blow up something that is actually important to me. That is either the definition of insanity or stupidity. I just can't figure out which. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Yes but we all have friends who are of the opposite sex. Imagine if we cut ties because of a silly fleeting crush? If you have boundaries and you move through the crush into a normal friendship - then its cool. This friend of mine has placed the walls up strong and I am grateful for that. I don't have close friends of the opposite sex. Neither does my husband. Boundaries. They are your friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Good Fellow, you are married and what you are posting about is referred to as infidelity, not friendship. There is an Infidelity Section under the Marriage Forum. Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Be a good fella and STOP! We all started innocently enough and before we knew it, we were in the middle of a horrible gut wrenching A. You'll find plenty of good friends in life, if she's a threat to your M , stop this 'friendship' Link to post Share on other sites
Author Good.Fellow Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Be a good fella and STOP! We all started innocently enough and before we knew it, we were in the middle of a horrible gut wrenching A. You'll find plenty of good friends in life, if she's a threat to your M , stop this 'friendship' Thanks. A part of me knows it is wrong and I don't want it. I just wish she would ignore me, because if she ignores me it would be easier to move on. As I said I do not initiate anything any longer. I am looking for advice and coping mechanisms. I am going through a difficult time... Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Am I missing something or does it appear that you have a hard time differentiating a woman being friendly and flirtatious. Seems to me all she is, is friendly and you have taken it to a whole 'nother level. It's really NOT that hard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Do you want to have an affair? Do you want to damage your marriage and potentially destroy it? Do you hate your wife enough to break her heart? That is the only thing that matters. Those are the only questions that you should be answering. If the answer to the above question are no, then what the other woman is thinking or doing is utterly irrelevant. If the answer is yes just go for it and take the consequences. All this fannying around is just a waste of energy and time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Good.Fellow Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Am I missing something or does it appear that you have a hard time differentiating a woman being friendly and flirtatious. Seems to me all she is, is friendly and you have taken it to a whole 'nother level. It's really NOT that hard Yes, I know she is just friendly. I am the one with the problem, that is why I am here asking for advise! I want to avoid her as much as possible because seeing her causes problems for me. I need advise in this area please. Edited February 17, 2014 by Good.Fellow Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Simple way to get her to back off.... When she approaches you to make small talk---gush about something wonderful your wife did for you recently. Go on and on and on about it. She'll set her sights elsewhere. I've used the same tactic to send a message to men that would hit on me at work---I'd start bragging about my SO....(and chuckle to myself when they couldn't get away from me fast enough) It has the same effect as saying "Buzz off--I'm NOT available"..... (whilst remaining diplomatic) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Good.Fellow Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Simple way to get her to back off.... When she approaches you to make small talk---gush about something wonderful your wife did for you recently. Go on and on and on about it. She'll set her sights elsewhere. I've used the same tactic to send a message to men that would hit on me at work---I'd start bragging about my SO....(and chuckle to myself when they couldn't get away from me fast enough) It has the same effect as saying "Buzz off--I'm NOT available"..... (whilst remaining diplomatic) Thanks for the advise but she is just friendly. She is not flirting, but for my sake I need to avoid her because I have developed feelings for her. Link to post Share on other sites
smuggy95 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 The only coping mechanism is to cut off all ties with this woman. If you need to tell her, you tell her so. The more direct and simple, the better. Like a knife cutting a rope. no need to be subtle. Or you tell your wife. Those are your two options. Do not even question these two options with "but" "what if" You know what's worse than a man who cheats on his wife? A man who actually believes he is innocent/the victim while he's cheating. Ugh, those are the worst. There are lots of "nice guys" who do that. Don't be one of them. This isn't special. You aren't a saint (i'm just reminding you in case you start thinking of excuses again!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Good.Fellow Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 The only coping mechanism is to cut off all ties with this woman. If you need to tell her, you tell her so. The more direct and simple, the better. Like a knife cutting a rope. no need to be subtle. Or you tell your wife. Those are your two options. Do not even question these two options with "but" "what if" You know what's worse than a man who cheats on his wife? A man who actually believes he is innocent/the victim while he's cheating. Ugh, those are the worst. There are lots of "nice guys" who do that. Don't be one of them. This isn't special. You aren't a saint (i'm just reminding you in case you start thinking of excuses again!!) Thanks. I still feel terrible emotionally, but I hope that will pass in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Thanks. I still feel terrible emotionally, but I hope that will pass in time. I don't want to sound cruel but you haven't known her for very long. Some of us were great friends with our exAP before it turned into an affair. Think how difficult it would be to you if you not only been great friends but known her for years. Think how difficult it would be to remove this person from your life. You are extremely lucky you can easily cut her out of your life. You can tell her straight you want no more contact and there nothing holding you back. You are NOT losing a friend, you are losing an affair partner who sound like wasn't your friend in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 My wife might wonder why we are no longer friends also. You sound just like my friend who is having an affair. No, your wife will not wonder to the point that she will know that you had something with this woman and call you out on it, like you think. She may wonder to herself a little bit but IF she is a bit suspicious, mostly she will be RELIEVED that you are no longer talking to her and be very happy. It's not like she's going to fight it. Obviously, I think you should let this woman go because it seems to me like she can sense that you feel something for her and she doesn't want to go there with you and is trying to avoid it. Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 For goodness sake, have the temerity to tell your wife what is happening. That will put an end to the whole issue. You are fully aware of what you are doing, and what that means to your wife and your marriage, so please do not further insult her if you have any respect for her and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Stop feeding your attraction to her. Don't talk with her unless you have to. When she comes up to you, limit your conversation to work-oriented matters only, and keep it as brief as possible. Yes, she might think you're rude. That's a much better scenario than going down the other path and watching your life blow up. It's called setting boundaries. The first step is recognizing the attraction...you've done that. The next step is to take active steps to stop feeding it. That's where you're at now. You seem to have done so for a while...if she doesn't "take the hint", the next step is to be rude to her, and keep her at arm's length. It might not be easy, but it's that simple. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Good.Fellow Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 I thought I would give an update on this matter. I took the advice on this thread and started distancing myself completely. Interestingly she banned me on a particular social platform since then. I still feel quite cut up, in fact I sometimes catch myself thinking that she banned me to get me to give attention too her, but I know this is just the unrequited love speaking. Unrequited love is very painful and can completely deceive one. I try to avoid her at all costs. She probably does think I'm rude, or she doesn't even notice my withdrawal. But I am getting to the point where I don't care. The more I see her the more I miss what I think could be, and the less I see her the better and happier I feel. Its interesting how unrequited love works. The other day, I unfortunately passed her and she politely greeted me. I felt so depressed afterwards.... This is why I even prayer to God that He will help me not pass her or see her. I think He is helping me. I am writing this in the hope that it will help someone out there receive some kind of help. Any encouragement would be helpful. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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