Girlfriend/pre-fiance cheated and is pregnant

[jh664322]

You saw the evidence for yourself. She wants to marry him. Let her. You dodged a bullet.

 

I would agree except she has an odd personality. She is super, almost artificially positive about things and throws herself positively into what she does. Its her personality. The things she said to him are difficult to quantify, hard to place. She said she realized she loved me more than ever and that her feelings for this guy were not realistic. Not sure I believe that. But you cant love someone after a month. She said it to me also way too soon in the relationship. My effort now has been to break down that false personality and show her who she really is inside, behind her guarded wall. If I find a real person there then great, if not then maybe its not for me. But I think i see a real person.

 

I guess she isnt cautious is what I mean. Her personality, although she is 40ish is kind of infantile in a way and disney-like. All whimsy. I do believe she wanted to marry him and have the rest of her dreams right when she wished them but didnt consider real life, if that was feasible, or even if she wanted that on a fundamental level. So she left him and was headed for the exit before coming back to me. She had a tough life, both parents died, had to raise her sisters, and thus has a unique personality, which I find perplexing sometimes.

 

I'm going to ask her why actually.

Edited September 19, 2013 by jh664322

[jh664322]

I just spoke with her and I like what she said, it makes sense. I will keep it for me but it involved desperation, turning a friend into something he wasnt, and her love for me that never died. We have real honesty now and it hurts but it is sorely needed. I see some real progress here.

 

Good luck to everyone who finds them self in this situation

[atreides]

I just spoke with her and I like what she said, it makes sense. I will keep it for me but it involved desperation, turning a friend into something he wasnt, and her love for me that never died. We have real honesty now and it hurts but it is sorely needed. I see some real progress here.

 

Good luck to everyone who finds them self in this situation

 

i think you are moving so fast to get answers and if the wind blows one way you go that way and if it blows the other you follow. Take your time, it's your life, Best of luck.

[road]

BH's must control themselves when WW's start to tell more about the affair. You see they were afraid to tell more. Then the got comfortable to tell some more.

 

If a BH blows up at learning more he just taught his WW that she will not be safe to be honest and will then not tell her BH any more about the affair.

 

Better response would be to say it hurts to hear this new news, though thank you for being honest.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Her counselor also told her she was in a toxic relationship and basically everyone told her to go...

 

Now, take my word...

 

Thoughts?

 

-Dave

 

 

 

All we're getting here is your word, and if there has ever been two sides to a story, this is surely such a time.

 

 

 

When "everyone" (including the counselor) tells someone to (leave the relationship) then there have to be serious reasons, many of which you are not sharing here, and some to which you only allude.

 

 

 

We need more information to be entirely fair to this situation.

[bubbaganoosh]

Thank you all for the continued responses. We have settled at this point on not discussing her affair without the presence of some kind of professional help, meaning not unless we are actually at a counseling session. I think the revelation process for me is too painful and thus enraging and she feels the shame, pain from hurting me, and anger at the entire situation and quickly deteriorates herself. I dont think she, or I guess any cheater, realized the magnitude of her actions....how they wouldnt get wiped away so easily.

 

I really struggle with her dealings with this other guy. I dont mind what she did with her ex, because it was all before I even knew her, but this guy was while I looked at her as mine, my woman, my body alone, my heart alone. I called her "easy" last night, which didnt help but was something of a self discovery process for myself because I recalled how I had become involved with her and the sex was upfront although we had spoken for a while prior, like she had with this guy, it did seem easy. Because I didnt have to work for it that hard and he didnt either, she was easy, and in the future there is nothing to suggest she wouldnt do it again. Dont women make you work for it anymore? I was willing to accept that she was just THAT into me so fast but its fake i think. I dont know if I mentioned that she was talking about marrying him, going on cruises, having children, joining his family, etc all in the course of the 2 months that the relationship was "hot" and not strictly friendship. I mean, that just doesnt sound like the conduct of a normal person. She wanted to marry me quickly as well. You would have to meet her to know her for real, but she is very positive (possibly artificially) and whimsical in a Disney kind of way and I am much more realistic. So I do look at her with disbelief regarding specifically her sudden plans with this guy. I dont even know where he was with it, my assessment is that he was probably using her and filling in the void left by his ex wife but wasnt trying to get married and have more kids (at 50 !?) and do the whole nine. Thats why she went for him, stable guy, money, job, kids, nice, had what she wanted. But as I mentioned she has money, job, stability, etc. and so her plan backfired.

 

To the poster who said I put her on a pedestal. You are correct, i certainly did. Thats how I treat my women but it comes with some naivety i guess. And to the other person talking about her holding breadwinning above my head, yes again, right again. She makes enough though that me working would just mess up the tax bracket if I did work (and we were married). If we had a child I would be the one involved and possibly supplement with family and/or a nanny of some sort. Me being the breadwinner or making a substantial amount of money just wasnt in the plans and because of that, and the failure of the plans, i am now highly vulnerable. I dont know how to change this but I really need to.

 

She is genuinely sorry, apologetic, and mostly patient. But she is loaded with drama, her family doesnt care for me, she listens to her family, and her character is flawed to allow this to happen. That is the bottom line. I am taking defensive and evasive action where possible to secure myself against her should it go south. She frankly has better coping mechanisms than I do and being a male, there is less sympathy for this entire ordeal because SOMEHOW, i caused the cheating and near miscarriage last night because i was angry or whatever else. Gosh, the hatred is real, especially now that my (potential) son is involved....I feel like they are all wolves.

 

She said she realized she loved me more than anything when i found out and immediately ended it, which is theoretically true. She also did kind of want to end us around the time this started up, which i know to be true now. She also didnt let him do oral on her and didnt do it on him so that to me is one thing we still have because of the intimacy in it and he never gave her an orgasm, which i guess is also a small win.

 

I am displeased she could not communicate this stuff to me BEFORE crossing the point of no return, I mean she could have sat down and said we need to go to counseling because i discovered feelings for this man, etc, etc. She didnt do that and I hate that fact because i do believe she realized at some point she had messed up, didnt know how to come back, and was feeling depressed about it. I mean she could have dumped me outright and never told me why, or made up an excuse. But she did come back and she didnt need to except perhaps if she thought the child was mine; she denies this.

 

She also curiously said that even though she isnt into this guy, he would try to be with him if it was his child as a "sacrifice." That put me off. . So you dont like him but you would sacrifice (what and for who???) and be with him? I guess for stability to raise the child?

 

She says she wants to move away from where we live, change jobs, raise our son (if its mine), and really be everything we could have been before. And this is where I say we are better than we were, because our dialogue is better and we share more and she has no guilt anymore because the secrets are known. So it is this strange dimension of total happiness and total depression, simultaneously tugging at my soul.

 

So many questions still in my mind and things i am not comfortable with and we havent been to counseling because I am away in a safe place from her.

 

How do you guys deal with the thought of a man with your woman, especially if the climax was within her. That, for some reason, just makes me crazy!!! Like what was mine was stolen.

 

I'm the one who said you put her on a pedestal and you still are. I'm also the one that said that she's the breadwinner and holding it over your head and she is.

I also said you were naïve and you still are. Your swallowing everything she says hook, line and sinker and not tying to verify if anything she's saying is really true. She fed you a huge crap sandwich with a pickle on top of it and you bit into it for all your worth and look what happened. Now, for all you know she's making you another one and your eyeballing it and getting ready to bite in to it again.

 

I said it before and I'll say it again. get a effing job! Get off your ass and do something to improve yourself rather than being a future nanny to go along with being a door mat. If she makes a ton of money then she can afford a little more taxes. Not to mention that if she has to hire someone to care for the kid, a good accountant can figure a way for a good write off. Go make yourself some money with a job and give your self some self respect. Even though you won't make as much as her, you can still make the claim that you contribute to the household. What are you going to do if that kid isn't yours? How do you plan to support yourself or do you plan to raise another mans kid?

 

You said you put all your women on a pedestal. That's why you have heel marks all over your body now. She knows you do that and she's taking full advantage of it. She already blamed you for the near miscarriage when it was her infidelity that started this whole mess and you took the heat like a puppy getting a swat across the nose for peeing on the rug. You said that she didn't permit oral sex or give it so that's something that you still have intimacy with that. So tell me. How do you know? Were you there? Your believing what she said like she expects you to. Thank God you don't have a job because if you had a paycheck and bet on it, you would probably be broke. Your taking everything she says at as gospel truth. Friend my fingers are getting tired from typing this. Let me finish by giving you some advice. Wake the hell up please. Your only hurting yourself and you don't deserve to be treated that way. Help yourself.

[happysong]

Just leave her and start a fresh life. You will be alright and feel better without her than seeing her everyday will keep you reminding about the betrayal. Well unless of course you think yourself as a doormat and doesnt mind being labelled as second hand condom user or French kissing her after she gave the OM a lollipop.

Edited September 20, 2013 by happysong

[jh664322]

All we're getting here is your word, and if there has ever been two sides to a story, this is surely such a time.

 

 

 

When "everyone" (including the counselor) tells someone to (leave the relationship) then there have to be serious reasons, many of which you are not sharing here, and some to which you only allude.

 

 

 

We need more information to be entirely fair to this situation.

 

depression, alcoholism, anxiety, ive been diagnosed with aspergers as well. i finally went to counseling the day before i found this out. i stopped drinking cold a month before i found this out, and still am sober. yes its pathetic but i played my part i guess. she found me right after graduating college and so my work history is not there. i trade stocks and options and make some money, but not enough solo.

 

supporting myself really is the answer to all of my problems. its difficult to set up interviews and the like when i am across the country from her house, which is where i would need to live by. i may just move back there because it is where all of my clothes and things are and my car as well.

 

im certaintly not a saint and she had a lot to handle in me, but she dropped the ball and retreated inward, and made it worse because i let her treat me so poorly. its a mess. i spoke with her last night and it was not good. i should probably stop talking to her, no reason really....either its fake happiness and me becoming angry again.

[Balzac]

How many weeks pregnant is she?