Spark1111 Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Eight hours? You need to buy Dr. Glass's book and start planning an itinerary. get busy.....and ignore him. Start packing. get busy. Move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
SerCay Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Ahwww snappp I have felt you exact pain sweety, and I'm soooo so sorry for you. I can tell you this,, before I share a bit of my story: IF YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT FULLY COMMIT AT THIS STAGE, TO YOU, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR FEELINGS, AND YOU DONT SEE GENUINE REMORSE AND MOTIVATION FROM HIS PART IN TRYING TO SHOW YOU HE'S TRYING > YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS, NOR WILL HE STOP DOING WHAT HE DOES. My advice is as most of the others said, stand your ground. Give him the silent treatment, keep your emotions to yourself and leave him. If you dont have a place to stay, tell him to go away, and if he doesn't have a place to go, either one of you sleeps in a guest bed. From this point on, no more cooking for him, no more doing things together. You are gonna live your life as if you were single. (I dont mean cheating btw, just as if you dont have a husband). Be aware....while doing this, you must at ALL TIMES when he asks you pleasee can we be tother or any other begging, tell him NO. I'm not accepting you having an EA, and you still are. DO NOT say things like ''in my opinion'', because honey HE KNOWS he is having one still. Then when he sees you're real about it, and determined to leave if he doesnt stop, he will ask you for a chance. Because you are not going to tell him you WILL give him a chance when he does the above, he has to find this way HIMSELF. See, if you give him the opportunity, he will think aaaahhh see, she'll never leave meee. And while doing all this, NEVER show emotions in front of him. This strategy will work ether way for you > you regain strength in finding out how fun life can be when single, AND you let him know you have boundaries and he should show some RESPECT. Cause thats the thing he's lacking atm. RESPECT. Oh and yes...he's TOTALLY gaslighting you. I know cause i've fallen for it a lot with my ex. Stop taking his word over your rationale. GOOD LUCK 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesoul Posted September 18, 2013 Author Share Posted September 18, 2013 You know what cheaters do? They lie, deny, minimize, blameshift, gaslight, and lie some more. The pattern is so common that we say it's straight out of cheater's handbook. My hope is that some distance from this will help give you some clarity. Educate yourself. Find the strength to not accept unacceptable behavior. Then come home and lay down your expectations with confidence and resolve. you guys are AMAZING! this is really helping and i actually my first smile all day haha. i am packing some beach wear, and will buy the book at duty free!!! i was so scared earlier but this will be refreshing. i need to get away! it's like a morgue in the house, no doubt because the silence isn't being infiltrated by my sad howls and cries lol. one thing though, do you think he KNOWS its wrong? why would he justify it? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 He promised you he wouldn't contact her again. Whether or not he actually saw her, giving her chocolates is contacting her. He broke his promise. I wouldn't even think this was such a big deal if I didn't go back and read your first post where he said he was confused about your marriage after spending time with his ex and all that. He shouldn't be following her updates to even know she is in the hospital. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 You ARE getting smarter. No crying, no begging, no pleading, no screaming. Re-read the 180 until you have the damn thing memorized. Don't entertain his nonsensical arguments. Be silent if you must. Just pack and let him sweat it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesoul Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 (edited) I wanted to update you all fine folk that took the time to listen to me. So its been 2 days since I arrived in cyprus. Trurh be told I was crazy nervous but I think its the best thing I ever did as previouslu I was always so dependent on him and me going to an unknoen country where I know no one, its a huge morale boost for me. I broke through my fear That aside, the night before I left he said nothing. Since I got here, the only msges I got from him yesterday were ones blaming me, saying he loves me, it was not about her, just she was "so sick" that it was the "moral thing" to drop her chocolates, that dont I know how hard it is to be in hospital bla bla. I was so upset. What about your wife I implore where do I come in? After all his denials and his pointing finger at me, I pretty muvh told him, where was he when I needed him? Wasnt I the one who had an almost cancer scare several months ago?? Where was he?? Did I need to update my fb status for him to take notice?!?! Furthermore, its not about the chocolates, he never even gave me the chance to have an opinion?! He claimed he would tell me later. F**k you, you lying b**tard. This woman and him combined, their EA always ruined our marriage and now this?? I told him not only did he emotionally cheat, he lied continously to me, I dont care if his reasons were noble ( he claimed he loved me and only me and he was only being kind), his allegiance was not to me, he put her above. Then I said, if you want to be with her, GOd be with you and go right ahead. Following all this he messaged:I'm sorry I didn't do it the way I should have done it I have really messed you up and I know that And apparently there are things that I have done that you will Nevern forgive nor forget I remained silent..he msged me again this morning saying he wants me to come home as he is scared for me and im.in remote location. LOL the most danger I feel is being near him and this heartbreak. I didnt respond. Furthermore he canceled seeing his mom this wkend as well ( she knew about it hence why I think he doesnt wanna face) Anyways, thats all. Im still so so so so sad. I want him to wake up. I havent msged him.at all since his "apology" I come back to my country in 3 days. Im so at a loss. What mext? Will he ever see?? Edited September 20, 2013 by purplesoul Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Some people have to hit rock bottom before they see. The question becomes, how much of a soft landing to provide him? Link to post Share on other sites
Coolit Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Stay strong. Do not let him manipulate you or have you doubt. There is in no case where breaking NC to give chocolates is ok. I wouldn't go to my xMM's funeral not because I hate him but because I have no investment in him because it is over. So not only did he disrespect you during reconciliation by doing this behind your back... He was unfair to her. His chocolates told her he was still thinkijg about her and cares for her. That is giving her future hope. If a stranger is in the hospital and I was told about it I'd care in the sense of "that is too bad" but I wouldn't rush flowers to the bedside! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesoul Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 I dont know betrayedh, all I know is I cannot and willnot be able to live with a man who cannot at least, at the least own the fact he messed up badly. I dont think he thought I was capable of just leaving. His mom had said maybe I should have stayed and not let another person enter our marriage. Haha?? Really. I told her, lasy time this happened, I cried, I begged, I did everything, and a lot of f**king good that did me!! He"s so entitled , and he needs to be put back to earth. All ive been , in spite of my flaws, is faithful to him and his heart. And for what?? His "courtesy" to an ex?!!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesoul Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 Lol he jisr msged me saying , hey nice pictures on facebook. Hope you are enjoying your time. The old me would have been all sad and said sh*t like "It cause you hurt me?? Why did u do this??" I was scared initially to show pics of how good of a time im trying to have as before I did everything to show him how much I love him. I was afraid if I "enjoyed life" through our issues he d move on... I guess I shouldnt respond? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 he's your H. Respond with a thank you, we,ll talk (or you won't) when you get back... Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesoul Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 he's your H. Respond with a thank you, we,ll talk (or you won't) when you get back... I wish I could. The thing is he manipulates everything I say. Everything. He s used to me being at his beck and call. I have just started to regain strength. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Ask how he would feel if you visited with men in the hospital on your trip and gave them chocolate? And is it ok with him, if you keep in contact with the young handsome man that asked you to marry him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Lol he jisr msged me saying , hey nice pictures on facebook. Hope you are enjoying your time. The old me would have been all sad and said sh*t like "It cause you hurt me?? Why did u do this??" I was scared initially to show pics of how good of a time im trying to have as before I did everything to show him how much I love him. I was afraid if I "enjoyed life" through our issues he d move on... I guess I shouldnt respond? My response might be to block him on FB. Based on your history of being 'hysterical' and his dismissal of you as emotional, I think the best bet is to let your actions speak for you. The 180 is to help you detach. I would keep doing that until you hear (and see) true remorse. Right now he's not remorseful because hell, he doesn't even think he's wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesoul Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 Ask how he would feel if you visited with men in the hospital on your trip and gave them chocolate? And is it ok with him, if you keep in contact with the young handsome man that asked you to marry him? LOL. Come to think of it, a man did ask for my hand in marriage. Granted he was about 80 and with a curly long moustache;) Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Don't tell him that the man was 80! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Want to save your marriage? Pack his things and tell him to go to the other woman. See an attorney and file for divorce. If you decide that you see true remorse, you can always halt the proceedings. If not, you're on the way to the divorce you need. It's apparent that out of the two women in your husband's life, you come second. Is that ok with you? Correct, all of your H's excuses are hot air. The chocolates was no gift, he is looking for something in return. Burn your H, no mercy this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bubberfly Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 "i'm in such pain. i love him so much. i can't imagine loosing him...I don't think he imagines i'll ever leave. he jsut calls me hysterical and im 'so emotional'......" Ok hun, I know this may sound a little dramatic, but this is a tactic called "gaslighting." Please look this up. I know this tactic too well, in my own experience with my exes and my current fiancée. By him making you out to be "crazy" and "over-emotional" he's manipulating you to make it out like you're the one who's got the problem. This is not true. You have every right to be pissed and hysterical. He blatantly disrespecting you by going and seeing this person when he KNOWS you don't want him to. I'm proud of you for going on a trip. . Do some soul-searching. Keep your phone off and ignore him for the next few days. Make it about YOU for once. Link to post Share on other sites
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