Apologizing (again) after 5 months separation

[road]

Hi everyone,

 

Well... Mission unsuccessful. My ex postponed Saturday's meeting until Sunday (he had an event going on Saturday evening for work that he had to prepare for.) Then he postponed today's meeting until next Saturday because he said he was too exhausted and wanted to be awake enough to listen to what I had to say. We will see what happens next.

 

In the meantime, I am worried that my affair partner got the wrong idea by my apology. I told him that I was sorry for hurting him, but I think he took it as an invitation to reconnect our friendship or more. He texted me last night. I wouldn't have responded except that he has a new number and I didn't know who he was. When he told me who he was and asked how I was, I responded 'I'm ok, tired, going to sleep.' that's it. Today I sent this text to him: "

 

So, I am trying very hard to forgive u, which as it turns out is a bit harder for me than I thought it would be. It was a big shock that you admitted that you could have been more clear and careful to possibly mitigate some of the miserable occurrences that I have experienced. I believe one of two things: that you either didn't give a **** about me ever, or that you did but that you just didn't act like a friend...a person, who in my opinion, should always consider others equally or more than themselves. We all experience times when we act like ****ty friends... These are mistakes that we learn from throughout our lives. In some cases, when the friendship has a long history, the mistake can be forgiven and the friendship can continue. In others, while the mistake might be forgiven, the friendship is just over. You and I had a short history... I believe that the repercussions from your mistake have exceeded the benefits of any friendship we have ever had. While I will forgive you, though it may take more time than I originally anticipated, I don't believe that I can reserve any energy or time in my life for a friendship with you. I will treat you with politeness when I see you, but I don't want to communicate with you beyond that. I don't want to be a pillar of support for you nor do I have any desire for you to serve that role for me. I hope that we both find a way to make peace with our circumstances, but my peace will not come by talking to you. I hope that you can respect my wishes to not hear from you. I have tried to be polite in my responses, but to convey the impression that we aren't friends... But you continue to send me messages at random and I think that you should know outright that these messages are not met with a 'happy to hear from you' mentality. Please let me know that you understand this.*

Best wishes,*"

 

I hope I was clear. I hope that I get to give my apology... I am trying to be understanding about whether or not my ex wants to meet me. I know I have no right to be hurt or angry that he cancels twice on me, but I am upset that I spent so much of my week thinking about this and cleared my weekend and he dismissed it as if it weren't a very important event. Oh well... I'll try again next weekend.

 

 

:sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

Now that I am done puking from reading that garbage I have to tell you that is not a NC letter.

 

Forgive the OM that helped you destroy your marriage. Are you for real?

 

The OM does not deserve your forgiveness. He does not need it. You were weak and he exploited your weakness. A friend does not help you destroy your marriage. The OM was never your friend. The OM worked you till you bent over for him.

 

It is no wonder that the OM came back looking to bend you over again and restart the affair with that wishy washy letter.

 

You need to send a NC letter that is business like. Meaning cold and to the point.

 

OM,

 

I regret my friendship with you. For a friend would of not helped me to destroy my marriage as you did to mine. What we did to my BH was wrong. I regret the affair and the pain I caused my BH. I am recommitting myself to my BH. This letter is to inform you that I want no contact from you for the rest of my life.

 

NC for life,

WW

 

CC your BH.

[James-London]

I was cheated before by two different women. It was a deal breaker, no matter how they begged for forgiveness and reconciliation, it's all over for me. I forgave them though after so many months when the wound in my heart completely healed but the scar will always be there no matter what. So reconciliation is not remotely possible and never crossed in my mind.

 

It's been 5 years since I finally found someone and we are happy together. Although I'm making sure right now not to make the same mistake by trusting everybody completely with all your heart. She knows about my sad experiences and told her if you do the same thing for me, I will never hesitate to drop her like a hot potato. I also warned her if she cheats I have many ways to catch her no matter how careful she is. I told these to her from the beginning of our relationship.

 

Interesting to see this because I am sure I would be snooping up on my next GF after the awful experience I had. However, I would NEVER tell them I was snooping in advance. If I said that I would always be wondering if they were cheating but managing to hide it from me... My hope is that I will trust the next girl in time. I will probably snoop a bit at first but hopefully cut it out as I become more confident in her.

[James-London]

hey there,

It was interesting to read your post as it basically contained almost everything that was missing from the "apologies" of my cheating ex-GF. It is good to see that I was not unreasonable in hoping for more from the apologies from my ex.

 

I guess what will be going through his mind will be: 1. how can I ever forgive her for the past? and 2. how can I ever trust her again in the future? In your OP you do not mention WHY you had the 3 month affair in the first place. If you want you ex to trust you again, what can you tell him that would convince him that this would never happen again? If I were him, I would want you to be crystal clear about WHY you cheated - was it boredom, sex, lack of affection etc.? It sounds like you have done some personal development too. Great. But can you explain how what you have learnt will ensure you won't cheat again? I don't think it is relevant otherwise.

 

I agree with other posters that your message to the guy you cheated with was a bit over the top. The best way of telling someone you don't want them in your life is to simply cut them out of your life. No wonder he got the idea you wanted to have more fun with him! There is such a thing as "over-communicating". Also, you should positively HATE this guy. Although its not his fault you cheated (that was 100% your fault), here is the guy that you allowed to get close to you and cheat on the man you really love. Does he not make you feel sick just to think about this OM? If I was your ex I would not be impressed by that message.

 

finally, if you never get him back, will you be able to move on? If not, could that be the reason you need him back so much?

[BetrayedH]

Interesting to see this because I am sure I would be snooping up on my next GF after the awful experience I had. However, I would NEVER tell them I was snooping in advance. If I said that I would always be wondering if they were cheating but managing to hide it from me... My hope is that I will trust the next girl in time. I will probably snoop a bit at first but hopefully cut it out as I become more confident in her.

 

I went thru some residual hypervigilance when I started dating my current GF. Remarkably, she just plain understood (I was completely honest about what happened with my ex) and was actually proactive in anticipating my concerns. It took a few months but at some point, I quite simply realized that my GF was not my ex and I flat-out decided to stop. We've been together over a year and I haven't looked back. I think part of it was that I might have had free reign to snoop on my wife but that really doesn't extend to a GF. At this point, I trust that my spidey senses will trigger if something is amiss and in the meantime, it's been a very positive relationship. If I am wrong, so be it. A good relationship is simply going to require a certain amount of vulnerability. As they say, there are no guarantees. It surprised me at how quickly I was able to let the hypervigilance go but I can't begin to tell you how freeing it was to do so.

 

You won't know until you try and even if you do have some residual hypervigilance, you won't get past it until you start. I was also determined that my ex had taken away quite enough from me. I wasn't letting her take away any future relationships. I know she is distressed at how quickly I moved on (before the divorce was final) but considering that she had moved on three years prior, well, that's just tough cookies.

Edited September 23, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Mr. Lucky]

But you continue to send me messages at random and I think that you should know outright that these messages are not met with a 'happy to hear from you' mentality. Please let me know that you understand this.*

This is the only request for no contact I've seen that ends with a request for him to contact you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

OM,

 

I regret my friendship with you. For a friend would of not helped me to destroy my marriage as you did to mine. What we did to my BH was wrong. I regret the affair and the pain I caused my BH. I am recommitting myself to my BH. This letter is to inform you that I want no contact from you for the rest of my life.

 

NC for life,

WW

 

CC your BH.

Her partner broke off their 10-year relationship when he found out about the cheating. So, in terms of recommitting, that ship has sailed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

It may be useful not to meet him since he's showing some hesitation and resistance.

 

Remember - this is about him - his feelings! And since it's not his top priority right now... It may be best to place it on the back burner for another time when HE thinks the time is right.

 

Having expectations isn't useful. Forcing a meeting is worse. I'm not saying you are - I'm just saying wait it out until he is OPEN to receiving what you want to tell him.

 

It is about him, after all - it's not about you.

[Coolit]

If he keeps rescheduling then let him. I don't think he gave excuses but rather valid reasons for putting it off.

[maxposte]

I am so surprised by so many of the responses to my NC letter to the OM. When I read this text to family and friends before sending it they told me that it was very harsh! I was not trying to be harsh, but just clear that I had no desire or intention of speaking with him again, and that his texts that I kept ignoring were really not productive. I had previously tried just saying 'don't text me' or 'don't contact me' but those never worked...I feel like they just instigated him...this text was trying to explain that I really meant it...I am trying to forgive, to let go of all of the terrible things that I have done and that others have done, and to make myself a better individual, and that just can't happen if I have communication with him.

 

As for the rescheduling. I agree that the time should be right for both of us. I know that this is a tough thing to talk about and if he isn't ready than I don't want to push him...

[Misfortune]

Unless your affair partner was more than a fling in your heart, he doesn't deserve all of that. It should be short and to the point, cold shoulders. Think about how a lot of wayward spouses treat their BS when they're having an affair, they could care less about explaining themselves to their spouse.

 

Make believe you're now planning to have an affair with your ex and your AP cannot compare. Shut him out and focus on your ex. If this apology thing fails, focus on yourself and move forward with your life.

[2sunny]

As far as the amends to the OM - actions (as in NO words or actions) is appropriate and useful. Don't feed the monster - it grows bigger.

 

The amends goes to your then husband. You had the commitment to him and broke that commitment.

[maxposte]

Well, I made my apology today. It went ok. I kind of listed things that I am sorry for. I didn't go into much detail but made sure to say over and over that I would offer more details of anything and that he could ask me anything. I didn't ask questions even though I wanted to. I said I was sorry for the affair, for all of the lies, for hurting him, for checking out of the relationship, for not telling him about the affair, for not talking to him about what was going on with me, for not making more time for our relationship. I told him that he was a good partner and that he didn't do anything wrong. I said I hoped he didn't blame himself for my actions, that they were mine alone.

 

He listened, and at the end he thanked me for the apology. He didn't ask any questions and didn't talk really at all. He said if he could think of questions he would ask. I asked if there was anything else he was angry about that I hadn't included in my apology and he said that there wasn't.

 

I guess I was hoping for some kind of closure or some kind of indication about whether or not there was any hope of reconciliation. I guess that by not saying anything I should assume that there isn't. I am glad that I said what I said, but wish we could have had more of a dialogue... Or at least more of some kind of reaction... But I know that I should just be happy that he let me speak to him at all. I hope that he is in some way glad that I apologized.

 

I am not sure how I feel... I did not hear the 'give up hope' news that I thought I would hear, or any 'don't give up hope' cues. I wish I didn't, but I just feel kinda the same. I felt like apologizing would be like lifting a weight... Like if I could confront him and tell him how much I was sorry I messed up that I could start forgiving myself too. Or if I could see that he appreciated the apology I could at least feel like I did something good...I just still feel flat.

[2sunny]

You had/have expectations. That isn't the basis for a true and sincere apology.

 

Check your motives.

 

 

It should be about/for him.

 

Closure? You got your closure when you cheated - YOUR actions determined the end.

[maxposte]

I'm a little confused. Weren't you meeting him last Saturday?

 

Yep.. I was supposed to meet him last Saturday but he cancelled and rescheduled for Sunday and then cancelled Sunday and rescheduled for today.

[BetrayedH]

I think you did well.

 

At this point, I would leave him alone. Forget about visiting the dogs. "If you love someone..."

[maxposte]

I think you did well.

 

At this point, I would leave him alone. Forget about visiting the dogs. "If you love someone..."

 

Thanks! After sitting with it for a few hours I am already starting to feel a little better about it. I gave an apology and really meant it and I hope that my ex realized that.

 

At this point I actually think he likes my taking the dog for the weekend. I would stop if I thought it would be helpful to him, but I think he is glad to see me taking responsibility for the dog. Sometimes I feel like it would be better for me if I just walked away, but I think he would feel hurt by that and I never want to hurt him again... Even if that means seeing the dog/not seeing/ talking/ not talking. Maybe this is something I can ask him about... How it is affecting him... Although I know that he is not great at communicating and I'm not sure he would give me an honest answer...