Newlywed and in an affair

[Iris_88]

Thank you so much for your reply. You are reaffirming what I already know. That cheating is most def not the "answer" to my problems, but it is just adding to the confusion.

 

It is not fair to any of the parties involved. And I know what I have to do. I need to ask for space from the OM. My H and I will continue to go to counseling but after I figure some things out on my own with my personal counselor.

 

Again, thank you.

[Iris_88]

Sounds like you are coming up with excuses to cheat on the man you took vows with.

 

Your cheating has nothing to do with all of that back story you gave. You are cheating because you are selfish and chose to deal with your problems in a very immature sort of way.

 

Also, you lost passion for your H because you are directing it to another man. People in affairs (women especially) tend to rewrite history to justify their cheating. The sad part is they start to believe their revisions.

 

You could try something new and confess to your H and let him decide how he wants to spend his life, or you can just continue to lie to him.

 

Thank you. I know that I am coming up with excuses and justifications to the affair. The truth of the matter is that we lost our passion long before that. Getting married was not going to solve that- I see that know. During therapy I mentioned that it was wrong of us to have gone through the wedding without first working out our issues.

[Iris_88]

i'm a bit confused..... you say this OM is your bff's BIL? doesn't that mean he is married to her sister?

 

 

btw, what you two are doing is pretty sh*tty, no matter how you want to paint this fantasy you're in.

 

To clarify- he is the brother of my BFFs husband.

[Iris_88]

I do thank you for all of the replies. I know there was some confusion so I'll try to clarify as best as possible.

 

No I did not cheat on my then boyfriend when his mother was ill. The affair began a year after her passing, but yes, right before the wedding.

 

His family does not know of the A. Only my BFF does (his sister in law) The OM is the brother of her husband.

 

I am 28 years old and to reply to one of the postings, my parents are both attorneys, I just finished law school and 2 of my aunts are judges. That is what I meant with "extended legal background."

 

His family did not have any paperwork when his mother was sick- no will, no life insurance, no power of attorney ... I did that for them.

 

Because of their financial situation, I lent them money to pay for expenses- not a problem because I thought we were family. But I was obviously never reimbursed.

 

We decided to get married after his mother was diagnosed. We wanted her to be present but that did not become a reality. After she passed away, the family was very upset and bitter. No one spoke to each other especially me. We found out through another family member that his youngest sister faked needing money to repair her car- she got the money from me- only to use it on a party. It was just little things like that that became the status quo.

 

Eventually, my then BF decided that we should still go on with the wedding which we did. His sisters were very disrespectful to me during the wedding, they stole the church flowers immediately after the services even.

 

I did not expect him to kick his family out. But had that been me, I know he would have told me to take the dress off, put the flowers back and act mature or go. This is something we discussed during therapy. That I did not feel like a team- I was not supported by him.

 

Exactly 2 months after we get married, my stepfather is shot and killed while on duty as a police officer. I loved him very much. He is the one I recognize as my real father.

 

After everything that I had done for his family, and my now H over the years, I expected for him to be there for me. He was not. We fought because I was not home to cook for him (I love to cook and make amazing meals all the time). This really hurt me because it wasnt that I was off doing anything wrong, I was with my mother getting the services together.

 

Then early this year, I was diagnosed by my OBGyn that my uterus in fact is failing- something we have known for years. I have advanced endometriosis which will make me getting pregnant difficult if not impossible. She said that by my 35th birthday, she would be surprised if I have not had a hysterectomy. We have gone to many specialists over the years, but it has always been the same diagnosis. She sent me home with the message of me trying to get pg now as opposed to later. There may not be a later. I told my H this and his response was "I dont think my family is ready for us to have a baby".

 

I brought this up during marriage counseling as well. That I did not feel he supported me when I needed him the most.

 

You are all right. I am harnessing a TON of resentment towards him and I am making things even more messier by having an A.

 

Like I mentioned already, I have to stop seeing this other person. I know I must. If we are meant to be, he will allow me the space and that will let us both know. For now, he has been there to fill the void and the broken pieces that I am becoming. I am still grieving over the loss of my father and have not given myself time to do that.

 

I am putting blame on everything and everyone, myself included. I know I have "excuses", but it is all just becoming too much for me to live with. I feel awful to be in an A. I know my BFF feels terrible knowing about it.

 

I am going to therapy tomorrow actually. I will update with what the therapist says.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Iris, Sorry to see that you are in such a messy situation. From what I have gathered from your account, your marriage was dead before it was even solemnized. If that be true then all I can say is that you need to get out of this sham marriage as soon as possible. People are going to hit you with moral grenades but the fact of the matter is that it is your life and you cannot afford to waste it on a loveless, dead marriage. Yes it was a big mistake that you decided to cheat on your husband even before you got married. In fact that event should have convinced you that the impending marriage was going to be a sham and you should have had the courage of conviction to tell your soon to be husband that it was over as far as you were concerned.

 

Even now it is not too late. There is no point going for counselling when you know in your heart of hearts that it is NOT going to work out. Set your husband and yourself free so that both of you are able to find partners who fulfill all your needs whether physical or emotional and spiritual. I would recommend that you take courage in both hands and tell your husband that it is not working out and that you want a divorce so that you can find some one else who will fulfill all your needs. I do not know if you have told us the full story or have kept back important parts of it, but your narrative indicates a sham marriage and something which is designed to fail sooner rather than later. So go ahead and do what you must do and release your self from an unhappy situation. Cheers!

[Artie Lang]

are you planning on telling your husband about the affair, or are you just gonna sweep it under the rug?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm trying to reconcile this:

He is an incredible person and family man. No vices, very sweet... just "perfect".

 

with this:

We got married- argued during the wedding- because his sisters decided to show up in bridesmaids dresses to mock me. He did nothing about it...

 

Before the wedding, we fought a lot- mainly because he would flat out refuse to give me my place. It was my birthday and he did not attend my party even.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Iris_88]

are you planning on telling your husband about the affair, or are you just gonna sweep it under the rug?

 

I'll base it on what Im told during therapy. We were able to share things comfortably during marriage counseling and if we both do decide to work it out, then I will.

[harrybrown]

You should tell your husband now before he finds out another way. Either way, the stab in the back will hurt him the rest of his life. I understand he did not support you, but having the affair is pulling out the nuclear bombs on him. NO one needs to be treated so badly as to have the affair. I do read on here that some say your husband can not be hurt by what he does not know. He will be more hurt by what he does not know now.

 

Have you been tested for stds? Have you had relations with your husband after getting exposed to stds by the OM? Your OM would never lie to you, right? He would cheat on his "friend" with you, but he would never give you an std?

 

Tell your husband now, he deserves to know. If he was having an affair and trying to give you stds, you would want to know. And I am sure you always used protection with the OM, to not get pregnant.

[aliveagain]

Regardless if you stay or leave your marriage your going to have to dig deep to find out why you allowed yourself to cheat. You cheating involves a lot of innocent people and a lot of friendships will be lost over it. First thing I recommend to a betrayed spouse is to remove all those that facilitated your affair from the marriage because they are not friends of the marriage. For someone so smart your sure bringing so much unnecessary drama into your life. How proud of you would your stepfather be for the way your handling things? Be honest with everyone girl. I don't know you but for someone that comes from a family with such history as you for protecting the truth and defending peoples rights, lying and adultery can't be good for your professional reputation. That's like dealing with an accountant that went bankrupt. Fix this.

[miguelcervantes]

I'll base it on what Im told during therapy. We were able to share things comfortably during marriage counseling and if we both do decide to work it out, then I will.

 

So you will tell him only if you decide to work it out ?

 

Else you will separate and he will never know about the betrayal ?

 

Incredible!

 

Lawyers! ugh!

[Steadfast]

You'd think someone with an extensive legal experience and financial windfall could spell. Please don't 'resent' me for saying that.

 

Back on the ranch, you'll be fully into your next marriage/relationship before realizing the new guy isn't perfect either. Romantic affair partners lose a little shine when you see them sick and needy, uncover their vices and discover their faults while watching them drag out the trash.

 

For someone so intelligent and successful, I'm surprised you haven't considered your heartthrob BF is sleeping with a married woman. If they cheat with you, they'll...

 

I'm sure you know the rest.

 

Your problem isn't the marriage, it's you. Leave your husband. It's the most loving thing you can do for him. After that, leave him alone. He'll be fine.

[Artie Lang]

so what you're saying is, if it's in your best interest to tell, you will.