Farsight Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Hi, For an intro to my BU story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/422943-will-staying-best-friends-get-them-back I am on 1 week NC now. Since my BU a month ago I am thinking about making a romantic gesture. But was afraid it would make things worse and also that love or romance wasn't the problem why she would break up with me. Now its to late I guess to confess my love to her. But I am thinking of flowers and a letter about how I feel and what I think what went wrong in our relationship telling her I still care about her. Not asking for a second chance directly ofcourse. Is this always a bad idear? Did anybody had luck with this? She had only been holding a wall up for 2 weeks. Before that she still opened her heart to me.
veggirl Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 NOOOOO! For the love of god, it will make you look incredibly desperate and pathetic. Please don't. She will think less of you if you do. She will think you are weak. She will know she has you by the balls. Save yourself the embarrassment. You really think flowers and a letter discussing your feelings doesn't come off as BEGGING for a second chance? Trust me, it does. And wtf would the flowers even be FOR? A bribe? That's what it looks like. "I bought you this so please like me"
Author Farsight Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Well I guess I just needed to hear that. I think see already knows she got me by the balls. I didn't beg or anything. But I cryed when I brought her stuff back last week..... She didn't see me but her dad and she knows I was upset. I wasn't needy after the BU. She hated it and angry and send me angry mails I sad sorry a hundred times on the mail. But I was needy during the relationship. I guess I'll have to show her that I am not a complete doormat and stay NC
Author Farsight Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 THx guitarheroine Yeah I just need the comfirmation its a bad idear I guess. Staying NC is just so hard. only 7 days It feels like long to me. But for my ex who is busy with her new study and feels part relieve of dumping me is a different story. But 1 week is nothing in "NC getting her back" terms. I just need to remember that. I leave the ball in her court.
patience-patience Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 A big romantic gesture is apparently what some women want. See http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/418098-what-do-i-do
Simon Phoenix Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 A big romantic gesture is apparently what some women want. See http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/418098-what-do-i-do Women love romantic gestures when they are interested or dating a guy. Not from guys they have dumped or have no interest in. 1
lylat333 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Many of us have been there, Farsight. I wrote my ex a letter, albeit a short one 10 days after I last heard from her. I was very, very close to sending flowers and/or showing up at her work but thankfully I never did. She never acknowledged the letter... and this is someone who just a few weeks beforehand wanted to be my girlfriend and someone I used to send lengthy messages back and forth to every day on Facebook so I didn't think it was that out of the ordinary. I even kept it emotion/pressure-free, or so I thought. It hurts to hear this but dumpers are in a completely different state of mind. They've either temporarily buried the bulk of the emotional weight or they've been dealing with it for months and don't care to deal with it right now, especially when the dumpee forces it in front of their face. In the case of my ex and I, I really don't want to admit it but I think leading up to the breakup we were both waiting for something we could use as a clear sign to part ways for good, we were in limbo for months. Sadly, sending a letter or flowers doesn't come off anything like you'd intend it to. It sends the message, "please don't go, my life is worse without you"... translation to the dumper: maybe I'm right - my life is better without them! Like I said in the other thread (and it's especially true now that I've seen more info), the only thing that makes any sense for you to do is disappear completely. Block her on FB, don't text/call, don't talk to any mutual friends, don't accept her as a friend. If she cares enough to ask why you're doing all this, let her know that you are respecting that the relationship is over and you're now doing what's best for you. If she wants to contact you after that point, she will and you must trust that. 1
Author Farsight Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Many of us have been there, Farsight. I wrote my ex a letter, albeit a short one 10 days after I last heard from her. I was very, very close to sending flowers and/or showing up at her work but thankfully I never did. She never acknowledged the letter... and this is someone who just a few weeks beforehand wanted to be my girlfriend and someone I used to send lengthy messages back and forth to every day on Facebook so I didn't think it was that out of the ordinary. I even kept it emotion/pressure-free, or so I thought. It hurts to hear this but dumpers are in a completely different state of mind. They've either temporarily buried the bulk of the emotional weight or they've been dealing with it for months and don't care to deal with it right now, especially when the dumpee forces it in front of their face. In the case of my ex and I, I really don't want to admit it but I think leading up to the breakup we were both waiting for something we could use as a clear sign to part ways for good, we were in limbo for months. Sadly, sending a letter or flowers doesn't come off anything like you'd intend it to. It sends the message, "please don't go, my life is worse without you"... translation to the dumper: maybe I'm right - my life is better without them! Like I said in the other thread (and it's especially true now that I've seen more info), the only thing that makes any sense for you to do is disappear completely. Block her on FB, don't text/call, don't talk to any mutual friends, don't accept her as a friend. If she cares enough to ask why you're doing all this, let her know that you are respecting that the relationship is over and you're now doing what's best for you. If she wants to contact you after that point, she will and you must trust that. Thx again lylat. Yeah there is no point in sending her a letter with flowers at this point. She wouldn't ignore it as in your case. But I will get something like "I am sorry but you have to let me go its better for your own healing" type of answer. She already did this to me once. After 3 weeks I found out about NC and there were still unsolved things. Like calling me sweety and maybe we will get back together stuff from her part. So I said lets go NC and maybe it will be differnt in a month and that I still had feelings for her. Then finally she said there was no chance of reconcilliation. It only works in the movies. And I guess only very fast after the break up and only if the break up wasn't that serieus. More like a tool in a fight or something.
BC1980 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Thx again lylat. Yeah there is no point in sending her a letter with flowers at this point. She wouldn't ignore it as in your case. But I will get something like "I am sorry but you have to let me go its better for your own healing" type of answer. She already did this to me once. After 3 weeks I found out about NC and there were still unsolved things. Like calling me sweety and maybe we will get back together stuff from her part. So I said lets go NC and maybe it will be differnt in a month and that I still had feelings for her. Then finally she said there was no chance of reconcilliation. It only works in the movies. And I guess only very fast after the break up and only if the break up wasn't that serieus. More like a tool in a fight or something. What you don't understand is that she is in a different place emotionally than you are. She has let go of this relationship, and she will see any romantic gesture as pathetic and a little annoying. She will probably feel sorry for you. It's hard for you to comprehend, but it is the truth. That seems to be one of the hardest things for dumpees to understand, that their ex is no longer the person they were dating. Emotionally, the ex is miles away. It's hard for the dumper to understand because so many breakups seem blindsided when, in fact, almost all were premeditated. My ex even told me something similar after we broke up, and it still took a month for it to sink in. It's a shock I know, but, eventually, you will get it.
Author Farsight Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 What you don't understand is that she is in a different place emotionally than you are. She has let go of this relationship, and she will see any romantic gesture as pathetic and a little annoying. She will probably feel sorry for you. It's hard for you to comprehend, but it is the truth. That seems to be one of the hardest things for dumpees to understand, that their ex is no longer the person they were dating. Emotionally, the ex is miles away. It's hard for the dumper to understand because so many breakups seem blindsided when, in fact, almost all were premeditated. My ex even told me something similar after we broke up, and it still took a month for it to sink in. It's a shock I know, but, eventually, you will get it. Yeah I got that feel to. She would like to pity me find me weak. I am convinced that my ex gf is inmature in some ways. And she didn't premeditate it. Sure she had doubts for awhile. But the time and the place.. It was more like she cracked at one piont about her whole life and wasn't able to cope with a relationship anymore. But justification also could come after the break up. And that is what she did. And it took her some weeks to get emotionally a mile away. I still believe because of her actions there is some part of her that cares about me. I never begged or pleaded or annoyed her and didnt iniate contact a lot. A few times. What I do understand is that a romantic gesture is out of the question for me. It wouldn't solve anything
tart6245 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Whatever you do, don't do it. She let go of the relationship. She isn't interested in your flowers. Stay no contact. You'll be happy you did in the future because you'll heal. Also, don't accept a friendship. It never works.
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