Double-Barrelled surnames and twins?????

[juicygirl]

I wouldn't doublebarrelled surnames, doublebarrelled surnames suck.

My kids have double barrelled surname because my exes parents could not decide on which surname to give him therefore my kids now have two and my surname isn't even included, it's his father's surname and his mother's joint together.

 

I would hold off on giving the children my surname until you marry this lady and then later on you can adopt the boys and change the surnames. No need to decide now.

[Shepp]

What is wrong with you two? You sound like two idealistic kids who know nothing about real life.

I think im a pretty grounded guy but do you know if you want to say I'm idealistic then, I'll take that - I don't think that's necessarily a totally bad thing to be - optermistic, dream big, set the bar high - I do like to live my life like that! But not her, if anyone knows the brutal realities of real life it would be her, she learnt those lessons way to young!

 

Do yourself a favor and let her name them after herself, since she's the only known biological parent of these kids. Then, IF you do end up marrying her, you can adopt them and give them your last name. You're a FOOL if you commit to these kids without even knowing what your future holds with this woman. Who KNOWS how you'll feel 2 or 4 years from now - and by then, you'll probably be on the hook for child support and everything else since she doesn't have any other father figures in sight.

I do agree with most of that - it's probably the option that looks the most likely at the moment.

But I do also feel, to use your example, for a lad I'd raised as my son for 2 or 4 years I'd happily pay child support, no worries at all but to lose all rights to see that same lad would break my heart!

[clia]

You seem like such a kind hearted, good guy. I fear for you because your girlfriend had no interest at all in dating you until after the pregnancy happened. And even then, it took some convincing on your part. You've tried to explain away her previous actions, but your thoughts are clouded because you are so in love with her. From the outside, it feels like she's using you. I can see you coming across as a comfortable, solid, dependable guy for her during her time of need. You can provide for her sons, give her a place to live, etc. She's very lucky you stepped up to help her. My fear is that she knows that and is taking advantage of you and how you feel about her. My fear is that once the dust settles, the babies are born, and she has you as a full-time babysitter, that she will acknowledge that she doesn't have "those" feelings for you, and will go off to find another guy. And you will be heartbroken.

 

Please, please be careful. I fear you are getting yourself into a mess. Your entire post is a non-issue. The boys should not have your last name at this point. You are not married to their mother, you are not their biological father, and you have not adopted them. You have no relation to them. From her perspective it's pretty great to have such a dependable, kind guy roped into this kind of lifetime responsibility -- especially since she is so irresponsible that she will never even be able to tell them who their biological father is. This might all seem like a great idea now, but when she is off gallivanting around with some other guy and you are stuck watching her babies, or she leaves you for another guy and takes the babies with her, you may look back and wish you had made some different decisions. I wish you the best, but I see this all ending very badly for you.

[Shepp]

You seem like such a kind hearted, good guy.

Thanks

 

I fear for you because your girlfriend had no interest at all in dating you until after the pregnancy happened. And even then, it took some convincing on your part. You've tried to explain away her previous actions, but your thoughts are clouded because you are so in love with her. From the outside, it feels like she's using you. I can see you coming across as a comfortable, solid, dependable guy for her during her time of need. You can provide for her sons, give her a place to live, etc. She's very lucky you stepped up to help her. My fear is that she knows that and is taking advantage of you and how you feel about her.

Yeah I see that, I do ...and so does she - we've actually had this conversation, y'know shes said to me 'I know what people must think' etc etc.

And im sure a lot of people probably do, probably think exactly what you just put - she'll play house while im useful. But the thing with Alex is, she is a lot of things, a lot of things - trouble probably being one of them, but she isn't manipulative - shes fair, always and shes incredibly honest - I struggle to think of a time I can remember her lying, about anything, with the exception of maybe covering for you back at school, but never to me, I cant ever remember her lying to me ...even when I kinda wish she had! Without drifting too much I remember coming of my mountain bike a few years ago - I broke my leg and a couple of ribs but all I new at the time was it hurt - and I remember laying in dirt and asking her 'is it bad?' and all I wanted to hear was 'nah alf, just a scratch alf, your'll be fine in a minuet' but I was kidding myself casue all she was ever going to give me was the gods honest truth of 'yeah! Its gotta be broken ...but don't worry cause i'll write something real on your cast'

I trust her...and maybe a lot of people wouldn't trust her, but she always comes good for me, so I trust her, y'know?

 

My fear is that once the dust settles, the babies are born, and she has you as a full-time babysitter, that she will acknowledge that she doesn't have "those" feelings for you, and will go off to find another guy. And you will be heartbroken.

Yeah, I get that. I mean your apsorlutly right - it did take a hell of a lot of effort on my part to get her to date me. But however many guys shes slept with, I am the one and only guy shes ever dated!

I know if it was someone else i'd probably think what you do - 'you mug, what are you getting yourself into' but this is the girl that's taken me to her mums grave and then cried and told me how distant she feels from the world and everyone in it but that its easier to be lonely than to risk loving and losing. I can see to everyone who doesn't know her looking at our relationship im taking a massive risk on her, and maybe I am but I know that in her eyes shes taking a bigger one on me! y'know, like I know full well why she avoids the news when im a work - cause she doesn't want to hear theres a fire, simple as. I don't think she would ever 'go off and find another guy' that simply - I put in a good 4/5year of ground work and I would think for any other guy to stand a chance he'd have to do the same. She's grounded and guarded and just not the type to be swept off her feet by anyone!

 

Please, please be careful

I will, promise!

 

Your entire post is a non-issue. The boys should not have your last name at this point. You are not married to their mother, you are not their biological father, and you have not adopted them. You have no relation to them.

From her perspective it's pretty great to have such a dependable, kind guy

roped into this kind of lifetime responsibility -- especially since she is so

irresponsible that she will never even be able to tell them who their biological father is.

Yeah, that is all very true!

 

This might all seem like a great idea now, but when she is off gallivanting around with some other guy and you are stuck watching her babies, or she leaves you for another guy and takes the babies with her, you may look back and wish you had made some different decisions

Yeah, and as unlikely as I do think that is, and I stress that I do find that very unlikely - but life throws you curveballs sometimes hence why I have run the scenario through my head. and the conclusion I draw is:

she is off gallivanting around with some other guy and you are stuck watching her babies - sucks, and I would be angry with her - because if she did that then everything up till then that i'd ever known about her would of been one big lie, so yeah above everything id be angry.

or she leaves you for another guy and takes the babies with her - I'd be angry for the same reason. But id be completely heartbroken alongside it! Completely!! To loose kids I thought of as my sons - id be shattered.

So like I say I totally don't see either happening for a multitude of reasons but if your going to look at hypothetical situations you'd be a fool not learn something from them - and what I take from that is maybe I do need equal rights.....which is where the whole adoption thing came from. Y'know if your going to prepare for 'worst case senario' then maybe I do need to the adoption thing at some point - and I know that's trying myself in legally like you say to a life time commitment but maybe it is also a little bit of a security blanket as well!

Alex thought I should just sign the birth certificate - her think is more along the lines if god-forbid anything happened to her there'd stay with me or they we're sick i'd have equal rights to give medical permission, and just I'd hae equal rights to everything full stop.

But I don't think we need to rush into anything like that - I think we'll just do it properly, legally, when we can do it. And if they make it difficult cause we're not married then I'll just do it when we get married - but that's another thing I don't want to rush - id love to marry her one day but traditionally- like everyone else - y'know? I want her to take 2 years to pick bridesmaid dresses or what ever else it is brides-to-be do. ...I don't actually know where I was going with this sentence so im going to leave it there - hope this paragraph makes sense

 

I wish you the best, but I see this all ending very badly for you.

Thank you, I appreciate you posting!

[Ryan_Talon]

Yeah, I get that. I mean your apsorlutly right - it did take a hell of a lot of effort on my part to get her to date me. But however many guys shes slept with, I am the one and only guy shes ever dated!

I know if it was someone else i'd probably think what you do - 'you mug, what are you getting yourself into' but this is the girl that's taken me to her mums grave and then cried and told me how distant she feels from the world and everyone in it but that its easier to be lonely than to risk loving and losing. I can see to everyone who doesn't know her looking at our relationship im taking a massive risk on her, and maybe I am but I know that in her eyes shes taking a bigger one on me! y'know, like I know full well why she avoids the news when im a work - cause she doesn't want to hear theres a fire, simple as. I don't think she would ever 'go off and find another guy' that simply - I put in a good 4/5year of ground work and I would think for any other guy to stand a chance he'd have to do the same. She's grounded and guarded and just not the type to be swept off her feet by anyone!

 

I think its difficult to advise you on this side of your post because I do think your relationship is pretty unique, well everyone's relationship is unique but the set of circumstances surrounding yours is certainly something that I've never come into contact with before, this might sound a bit odd but I find it hard to picture your relationship which makes it more difficult for me to know what to say.

You talk a lot about her but what about you? If you don't mind me asking you a couple of questions:

You say she's gorgeous how are you (like being objective here) in the looks department?

Have you got options? If you hadn't met her do you think you could find a girlfriend?

whats your life like outside of your relationship with her?

 

I'm just trying to see her angle is all!

[Shepp]

I get what you mean mate, you mean is she settling? Are we one of those couples that you walk by and are like how did he land her?

 

You say she's gorgeous how are you (like being objective here) in the looks department?

Yeah she is - that's not like just me saying that cause I love her, she's a good looking girl, she turns heads. But I don't think we look mismatched, I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I like to think im quite a nice look lad ...I work out I get told quite a lot I look like a younger Paul Walker - and he's a nice looking man so i'll happily take that!

 

Have you got options? If you hadn't met her do you think you could find a girlfriend?

Well I get girls approach us but, I've said this before, im sure there perfectly nice, there just not her.

 

whats your life like outside of your relationship with her?

That's a very broad question

Short answer: Its good!

Im a fire-fighter, I love my job. I a lucky boy, I've got a really good family and really good friends - and im from a really small village so they all live really close.

Im claustrophobic - hate being indoors - spend most of my footie plying footie semi-pro, I box, and I like to play a bit of ice hockey as well which is quite niche in the UK. And I could mountain bike with the boys all day every day - that's one of my absolute favourite things to do!

Yeah I think that about sums me up!

 

 

Basically, no, I don't think we're a mismatched couple, I don't think if you met me and her in a bar you'd scratch your head trying to work out why we were together. I'm not David Beckham but I don't think i'm a bad catch!

[Ryan_Talon]

Sorry OP, I've been super busy I meant to check back to this sooner...

 

I get what you mean mate, you mean is she settling? Are we one of those couples that you walk by and are like how did he land her?

Kind of but actually it was more about you, I just wondered about how you saw yourself, whether you saw yourself as deserving and equal in this relationship, which judging by your answers you appear to.

 

In which case I don't really see any reason for you to be running for the hills as such, it doesn't seem that the relationship is impacting on your confidence or lifestyle (they do say there's someone for everyone, the odds are slim but maybe you are the guy who knows how to channel her) but I do think she is very lucky girl, she's fallen on her feet big time, not many guys would take on what your prepared to, however good looking she is!

[Shepp]

hahah oh yeah - im an arrogant git!

 

Thanks mate