He's Turning It Around...?

[Minneloa]

This might be the boat I should sail in for the time being, honestly. He just texted me some stuff that was so obviously mixed messages, I've decided to just let it breathe for a bit. He on one hand is saying you can't force a relationship, but then turns around and says he wants me to be happy and healthy and that we could then talk about where we were and where we were going. I was trying very hard not to be pushy before, and I thought it wasn't pushy to let him know that I'd hoped he would want to try again now that he was improving himself, and that's how he reacted. I'm tempted to talk to him right now, or at least text him about it, but I'm kind of still annoyed.

 

Talk to him about what? I'd say that his mixed messages are actually quite clear. You two are not currently on the same page in terms of interest in reconciling. I'm sorry. But I urge you to take this opportunity to cut him off and remove yourself from a situation that seems like it has been incredibly emotionally draining. Enough is enough, LW. Time to take care of yourself!

[LinkWorshiper]

I'm definitely going to be backing away a little bit for now to see what he does. I was very happy being around him, especially because he was displaying the qualities that made me love him. I think he needs to see that his actions aren't entirely fair, especially since he claims to care about me so much. He went from wanting to apologize, to telling me that you can't force a relationship to then saying that he wanted only for me to be happy and healthy, and then we could see what we were and where we were going. Five hundred messages in the space of a half hour, and he acts like I'm the one who is stupid for not being able to understand his meaning. I'm going to take it at face value and just focus on myself. Maybe then he can appreciate what we had started to foster and how he can't just expect to have that with no strings attached.

[Mariposa10]

I'm definitely going to be backing away a little bit for now to see what he does. I was very happy being around him, especially because he was displaying the qualities that made me love him. I think he needs to see that his actions aren't entirely fair, especially since he claims to care about me so much. He went from wanting to apologize, to telling me that you can't force a relationship to then saying that he wanted only for me to be happy and healthy, and then we could see what we were and where we were going. Five hundred messages in the space of a half hour, and he acts like I'm the one who is stupid for not being able to understand his meaning. I'm going to take it at face value and just focus on myself. Maybe then he can appreciate what we had started to foster and how he can't just expect to have that with no strings attached.

 

 

Aaah, I used to get the same "you can't force a relationship" etc crap... I think they know how much power they have so that's why behave like this. I think you'll reach your limit on your own. Again my advice, don't over analyze things, if things are meant to happen they'll happen.

 

Good luck!

[BC1980]

I'm definitely going to be backing away a little bit for now to see what he does. I was very happy being around him, especially because he was displaying the qualities that made me love him. I think he needs to see that his actions aren't entirely fair, especially since he claims to care about me so much. He went from wanting to apologize, to telling me that you can't force a relationship to then saying that he wanted only for me to be happy and healthy, and then we could see what we were and where we were going. Five hundred messages in the space of a half hour, and he acts like I'm the one who is stupid for not being able to understand his meaning. I'm going to take it at face value and just focus on myself. Maybe then he can appreciate what we had started to foster and how he can't just expect to have that with no strings attached.

 

You are going through way too much emotional turmoil for a guy who has not yet committed to be exclusive to you. This is where you get into trouble. He shows the slightest interest, and you are back again in that tortuous cycle.

 

I responded to you on another thread. Until he wants to be exclusive with you and try to mend things, you treat him like his is merely an option for you. Even if you don't want to, and your heart says not to. He is only an option right now. So. . . . someone who is an option for you doesn't get this much thought.

 

It's hard to do that because it seems like such a big risk right when he has come back around. However, the risk is worth it because he will show his true colors. You'll get your answer, and you will be fine either way.

[LinkWorshiper]

You are going through way too much emotional turmoil for a guy who has not yet committed to be exclusive to you. This is where you get into trouble. He shows the slightest interest, and you are back again in that tortuous cycle.

 

I responded to you on another thread. Until he wants to be exclusive with you and try to mend things, you treat him like his is merely an option for you. Even if you don't want to, and your heart says not to. He is only an option right now. So. . . . someone who is an option for you doesn't get this much thought.

 

It's hard to do that because it seems like such a big risk right when he has come back around. However, the risk is worth it because he will show his true colors. You'll get your answer, and you will be fine either way.

 

Thanks. That's actually a really good bit of advice there. I do have to think more logically about all this stuff. The killer is that our relationship was really serious and it seemed in many places like he was trying to see where things were going. But you're right that I need to give him less thought. Your option suggestion makes sense. I'm going to just try taking a step back and holding him at arm's length, not put myself as out there. I usually, just in general, try to lead by example, I guess. Maybe that's why it feels so risky.... I mean... he DID respond pretty intensely the last time I went NC with a big emotional letter. This time he sure did seem to go into panic mode, as he asked me out to lunch to talk about it when I didn't respond. I told him I'd think about it like two hours later.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he's just FB messaged me. It's his usual time. He's acting like nothing is wrong. I just returned his greeting and I'm not pressing for any more. Let's see if he'll really do some heavy lifting.

[Simon Phoenix]

How about not answering him? I mean, you answering like a good little puppy has gotten you nowhere.

[LinkWorshiper]

That's what I did this afternoon with the texting and he went into panic mode, asking me out to lunch. I told him I'd think about it. This time, you'll be kind of proud, I guess, I shut him down again. His FB message was a reiteration of his text about wanting me to be happy and healthy. I told him I didn't think he really understood what that even meant and left it alone. And if he's sitting at home worried that I'm upset with him, maybe he should start thinking about what he did and why he cares. He can have the best parts of my company back when he can prove he deserves it. I feel a little guilty for being kind of hard on him, but it's not like he hasn't been hard on me.

[StrongLass]

The Debbie Downer attitude is one I'm trying to avoid in my general persona, thank you!

 

No one here's trying to drag you down LinkWorshiper. Some of us just speak from experience & have seen how ugly this kind of thing can get.

 

I ALSO went 3 months before attempting reconciliation with my ex of four years after he (the dumper) reached out. There was ALSO another girl in the background.

 

He waffled on his decision to be with me in the middle of our new plans. He's now dating her...and because of our plan's results he's one of my roommates now. He hasn't been bringing her by AT ALL but it's still awkward (and some ex's can take the cruelty to legendary levels.)

 

It's nothing that someone can't survive but I'd really REALLY hate to see an update in a few weeks saying that something similar played out with you.

 

NOBODY deserves that. ALWAYS protect yourself first.

[Mariposa10]

No one here's trying to drag you down LinkWorshiper. Some of us just speak from experience & have seen how ugly this kind of thing can get.

 

I ALSO went 3 months before attempting reconciliation with my ex of four years after he (the dumper) reached out. There was ALSO another girl in the background.

 

He waffled on his decision to be with me in the middle of our new plans. He's now dating her...and because of our plan's results he's one of my roommates now. He hasn't been bringing her by AT ALL but it's still awkward (and some ex's can take the cruelty to legendary levels.)

 

It's nothing that someone can't survive but I'd really REALLY hate to see an update in a few weeks saying that something similar played out with you.

 

NOBODY deserves that. ALWAYS protect yourself first.

 

 

Oh my god... this sounds like the worst nightmare... how are you handling the entire situation?? Do you know what happened, so he reached out to you and then regretted it? I was with my ex for 4 years too...

[Mariposa10]

I don't want to hijack this thread, but since we have almost the same situation I wanted to know what you guys think. Like two weeks ago my ex and I talked on the phone and I didn't like the way I felt after that call and decided I didn't want to feel like that ever again, so I started LC. For two weeks, I didn't text/call him. Before that call he was being really nice and sweet, but no actions. After I stopped contacting him, he would contact me at least three times a day, he was being super sweet etc, but still no actions.

 

Yesterday he kind of asked me what was going on and why I hadn't called him. I made up an excuse, but today I sent him a text (I don't want to play any games anymore) telling him I didn't like the way this situation (that call specifically) was making me feel and that that he could call me and text me if he wanted to but I was done trying to contacting him because after all we were just friends. He said "thanks for being so communicative :)" one of our main problems was my lack of communication.

 

I don't feel excited about texting him or calling him like I used to. I'm really hurt... I guess what I want to hear is that if things are meant to be they'll work out and if not, everything will be fine too.

 

Again, I don't meant to hijack this thread...

[Simon Phoenix]

Mariposa, it's really time for you to go NC. You made your statement, he's not trying to get you back, you really need to remove yourself until you are indifferent.

[LinkWorshiper]

I feel guilty because it had seemed like he might have been trying to feel things out and be concerned with my feelings. I feel bad for telling him he didn't understand when he seemed to be trying to make amends in the situation. I feeling I'm doing something counterproductive by suddenly giving him the cold shoulder. At the same time, BC is right that its time for him to step up to the plate. I guess I just feel like we had been working on a lot of things in our relationship that needed work and for me to just tap out like this shows that I don't care anymore. But maybe the idea is for him to sweat it out a little bit? It had seemed like he was making all these efforts to have me around and was acting like we were a couple in many ways. I'm pretty upset by this sudden turn, but I guess you guys are right that even if I had wanted to lead by example, the example right now isn't to be kind, it's to be protective.

 

PS

Tumblr stalking: 3 times just today. I haven't updated it since yesterday.

[LinkWorshiper]

Sorry... I'm like... I feel really depressed now. Before I was happy to not even make an effort to reach out to him and see him making all these efforts for me. Now I want to talk to him and I feel bad. I feel like I messed up.

[Mariposa10]

Sorry... I'm like... I feel really depressed now. Before I was happy to not even make an effort to reach out to him and see him making all these efforts for me. Now I want to talk to him and I feel bad. I feel like I messed up.

 

 

NO, YOU HAVEN'T MESSED UP ANYTHING. He knows (my ex also)that you're willing to pretty much do anything to get back together. You need to be in charge of your emotions. They already know, if they want to have any kind of relationship with us, they will let us know. Don't over analyze things, keep living your life. Don't let someone have so much power over you.

[LinkWorshiper]

NO, YOU HAVEN'T MESSED UP ANYTHING. He knows (my ex also)that you're willing to pretty much do anything to get back together. You need to be in charge of your emotions. They already know, if they want to have any kind of relationship with us, they will let us know. Don't over analyze things, keep living your life. Don't let someone have so much power over you.

 

Of course you're right. I know that I have to keep in mind that the name of the game right now is 'PROVE YOUR WORTH TO ME'. He knows what value I can add to his life, but he needs to show that he deserves to be in mine, and frankly, it is BS to sit there and want to talk about all the things you did wrong in the relationship, acknowledge that you screwed it up, dredge it up and drag it into our "new friendship", and then act like you have no interest in making amends for those things you did that messed up what was otherwise a great thing. I honestly don't even buy his line about not loving me anymore, because he contradicts himself with other words and actions so often, I can't even take any of it at face value anymore. And that is really depressing. I really, really thought he was trying to fix it. The amount of work he was doing to be involved in my life was pretty intense, so it just doesn't match up to me that he'd work that hard and say those things. I'm mad at myself because maybe I was pressuring him too much and read the signs wrong. I don't know what he's going to do and I get sad thinking that I lost the chance to even at least keep friendship.

[Mariposa10]

Of course you're right. I know that I have to keep in mind that the name of the game right now is 'PROVE YOUR WORTH TO ME'. He knows what value I can add to his life, but he needs to show that he deserves to be in mine, and frankly, it is BS to sit there and want to talk about all the things you did wrong in the relationship, acknowledge that you screwed it up, dredge it up and drag it into our "new friendship", and then act like you have no interest in making amends for those things you did that messed up what was otherwise a great thing. I honestly don't even buy his line about not loving me anymore, because he contradicts himself with other words and actions so often, I can't even take any of it at face value anymore. And that is really depressing. I really, really thought he was trying to fix it. The amount of work he was doing to be involved in my life was pretty intense, so it just doesn't match up to me that he'd work that hard and say those things. I'm mad at myself because maybe I was pressuring him too much and read the signs wrong. I don't know what he's going to do and I get sad thinking that I lost the chance to even at least keep friendship.

 

No, you haven't pressured him too much, you guys already did 2 or 3 months of NC, right?? These guys keep treating us like this because they are not in a hurry, they are feeling PERFECTLY FINE while we are over analyzing anything and blaming ourselves just because we want to know what the hell is going on!! How pathetic is that?? I couldn't even eat, I had no appetite when I recently broke up with my ex while while he was having a great time. God forbid we both ask them where things are going because the poor things start feeling pressured, ENOUGH ALREADY. They already know how we feel about them, there's nothing else we can do. I'm getting pissed off already, I'm so fed up with how they think they can treat us. Same with me, my ex telling me I'm the one he wants to wake up with for the rest of his life, but talking to the other girl?? WTF?????

[LinkWorshiper]

No, you haven't pressured him too much, you guys already did 2 or 3 months of NC, right?? These guys keep treating us like this because they are not in a hurry, they are feeling PERFECTLY FINE while we are over analyzing anything and blaming ourselves just because we want to know what the hell is going on!! How pathetic is that?? I couldn't even eat, I had no appetite when I recently broke up with my ex while while he was having a great time. God forbid we both ask them where things are going because the poor things start feeling pressured, ENOUGH ALREADY. They already know how we feel about them, there's nothing else we can do. I'm getting pissed off already, I'm so fed up with how they think they can treat us. Same with me, my ex telling me I'm the one he wants to wake up with for the rest of his life, but talking to the other girl?? WTF?????

 

Yeah, you're right. I am pretty certain that my man at least recognizes that I am a worthwhile person to have in his life, but I also think, like you say, he's not in a hurry, and wants to sign on at his own scheduled time. Or feel things out with this other girl, who I'm still am not certain is all that serious, considering that he never mentions her and there's nothing on Facebook, not even a photo of them together (and it's been three months). I sometimes get this vibe that when I'm "happy and healthy" as he puts it, THEN I'll be good enough to date because then it won't mean supporting me through a difficult recovery process. Which is perhaps something I should tell him if it ever comes up in conversation. I will be curious to see if he messages me today. He didn't respond after I shut him down last night. I feel bad because I do think he genuinely cares about my wellbeing, and maybe in his mind he's not doing anything wrong, but I still can't ignore the fact that I seem to have been such a primary focus lately. I can only wonder why and hope that now that it's come to this, he's the one who's asking that question. Because now there's a threat I might just be over it, even if I do love him more than anyone I've ever loved before.

[Simon Phoenix]

Stop referring to him as "your man". You are broken up.

[Mariposa10]

Yeah, you're right. I am pretty certain that my man at least recognizes that I am a worthwhile person to have in his life, but I also think, like you say, he's not in a hurry, and wants to sign on at his own scheduled time. Or feel things out with this other girl, who I'm still am not certain is all that serious, considering that he never mentions her and there's nothing on Facebook, not even a photo of them together (and it's been three months). I sometimes get this vibe that when I'm "happy and healthy" as he puts it, THEN I'll be good enough to date because then it won't mean supporting me through a difficult recovery process. Which is perhaps something I should tell him if it ever comes up in conversation. I will be curious to see if he messages me today. He didn't respond after I shut him down last night. I feel bad because I do think he genuinely cares about my wellbeing, and maybe in his mind he's not doing anything wrong, but I still can't ignore the fact that I seem to have been such a primary focus lately. I can only wonder why and hope that now that it's come to this, he's the one who's asking that question. Because now there's a threat I might just be over it, even if I do love him more than anyone I've ever loved before.

 

Of course, he cares about you, but the question is how much does he care about you? I don't know, my point here is that while we're living in our own little hell, for all we know they are texting and talking with the other girl as well. My ex has been texting me the entire morning before work and during work, but has he said anything about how bad this situation has been making me feel? Nope, is he in a hurry to address that? I don't think so. Focus on your health because in the end nobody in this world will ever love you as much as you can love yourself. You have to take care of yourself for yourself not to be good girlfriend material. Stop blaming yourself.

[LinkWorshiper]

Whatever he is. My ex. My *******. He's my something. Jeez.

[Mariposa10]

Whatever he is. My ex. My *******. He's my something. Jeez.

 

I do think in order to do/achieve anything, we have to really really understand we're not together anymore. It's part of the healing process, so I agree with Simon....

[Simon Phoenix]

Whatever he is. My ex. My *******. He's my something. Jeez.

 

You really need to let go of that. You have to remember that he opted out of the relationship and really embrace that it's over. You seem to think that it's still going, which is why you are in emotional upheaval. You broke NC way too soon and basically your heart is a tennis ball being hit back and forth right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

I do think in order to do/achieve anything, we have to really really understand we're not together anymore. It's part of the healing process, so I agree with Simon....

 

Yep, you can't start another relationship (with your ex or another person) until you fully let go of the one that was ended. She hasn't remotely come close to doing that yet, which is one of the reasons she's in this limbo state and doesn't seem to make any progress.

[Minneloa]

LW,

 

Can you step back for a minute and see how much of an emotional rollercoaster you are riding as a result of your continued contact with him? I am concerned because you seem to place so much emphasis on his perspective and feelings and so little on your own. Particularly given what you have shared about your history and current work situation, I strongly feel that all of your worry about alienating him or ruining things between you is misplaced. You need to take care of yourself, because no one else will.

 

M.

[Zahara]

Whatever he is. My ex. My *******. He's my something. Jeez.

 

You're idealizing something that isn't and that's why you're so emotionally caught up. There is no relationship and he's not your man. The sooner you accept that, the faster you accept it for what it is. What you're doing is creating serious denial and delusions within yourself and that's only pulling you down further into emotional hell.