I have just called off my wedding. Was I right in doing so?

[sarah_smythe]

He lied to you about what happened at the party, when it was of critical importance and your entire marriage depended on his response! You told him the marriage was off based on what you thought happened, and even still, he didn't think it would be wise to tell you the "truth" that his friend got a BJ?

 

I have already acknowledged that and we are working through it. But you are judging him on only what I have posted in this thread. I am judging him on the person he has been the entire time I have known him.

 

Firstly, let's be clear, this was a hooker, not a stripper. Strippers do not perform sexual acts.

 

Not sure how someones title is relevant. Stripper/hooker/whore/slut or whatever other name you choose does not change any details.

 

Remember, your fiance suggested you call up the hooker.

 

Also recall that you yourself said it was unlikely that the hooker would call you at all. Yet suddenly she's eagerly calling you (even when you didn't answer the first time) and pouring out every single detail about what happened. Why? This doesn't seem normal to me - discretion is pretty core part of the service hookers provide, and you're nothing to her - why would she risk her reputation over this?

 

I had already made the call before my fiance suggested I call. I cannot speak for the stripper on why she called back but she did.

 

I just have to agree with Trimmer again, not calling back at all makes sense. After calling back why would the response not be 'nothing happened'? That would be protecting her reputation.

 

So she decided to tell a story.... you say a lie, but the lie makes no sense. If in fact it was true it makes perfect sense. The guy she described has already admitted it was him.

 

Was the culprit one of the people you originally asked, and who said nothing happened?

 

No

 

There's zero motive for the lie.

 

But more importantly, if we assume this friend of a friend and/or her boyfriend have ulterior motives, then it makes even less sense for them to say anything to you at all. If the other guy got a BJ, why would they risk revealing anything at all? By inventing a story and having the girlfriend call you about it, they're opening up the whole situation to scrutiny unnecessarily.

 

I don't think this person had an ulterior motive. I think they just got it wrong. My fiance and the guy that did end up being with the strippers and almost twins, everyone things they are brothers. Add a whole lot of alcohol, a smoke machine (so i've been told) and I can see how it would happen. Remember this is not a person we see regularly at all so mis-identification is quite possible.

 

Except that his story matches that of your first source. Coincidence?

 

Also, you haven't really gone into much detail about this guy. Sure, he likes to stir the pot (a practical joker?) but is he willing to ruin his friend's marriage with a lie? That seems a bit strange.

 

This guy is a loser! He would do and say anything to get attention. Would he ruin my marriage, yeah I reckon he would.

 

Has your fiance said anything about these two guys' story? If his version of events is true, then he should be extremely angry with them both for telling you a "lie". Does he behave as if this is the case?

 

He is angry. He has already confronted the liar, they had to be separated by their mates. The other guy as I said we barely know. I'm sure he will have words with him if they ever meet again.

 

I'm not sure how one can draw the conclusion that he definitely wasn't involved, either. I think you need to dig deeper into this, and see what other evidence you can get to support either case.

 

One can never be definite. On the balance though I see one 'side' as more likely and I am comfortable with that decision.

 

I have already put this behind me and I am not going to waste more time digging when I'd rather spend more time enjoying my life.

 

This was way too long of a reply. Sorry.

 

I guess the two sides will never see eye to eye on this. There is only one opinion that matters and that is mine. Unless new evidence surfaces then I have already made up my mind.

 

I am interested how other maintain successful relationships with so mush distrust. It seems rather counterproductive to a successful relationship.

[stillafool]

I just have to agree with Trimmer again, not calling back at all makes sense.

After calling back why would the response not be 'nothing happened'? That would

be protecting her reputation.

 

Yes I agree that not calling back at all would make sense for the hooker. I mean why wouldn't she just shrug this off as another jealous girlfriend calling her. She more than likely gets this alot. It would make sense that she would call back if she were told or paid to by the people who hired her. That way she would have the reputation of being able to keep her mouth shut about the details of the event. The reputation that she knows how to handle jealous girlfriends should they find out. That's quite valuable to a bachelor party when you think about it.

 

However, none of this makes a difference to you because like most in your situation who are so close to a wedding date; they sweep this under the rug and go through with the marriage.

 

I wish you two the best on your wedding and your marriage.

[KathyM]

She may be telling the truth as she understands it. Remember that she's hearing it from her boyfriend. Is it possible that he threw the fiancee under the bus in order to protect the real BJ'er - maybe his closer friend, with the mean wife? You know the old saying: Bros before Bros before Hos...

This buddy who told his girlfriend, who then told the OP, didn't HAVE TO say anything to anybody. He didn't have to cover for anybody. All he had to do was say nothing, but he mentioned to the girlfriend that the groom got a blow job, probably thinking it wouldn't go any farther than that. But his girlfriend got a stroke of conscience and thought the OP should know. It's really pretty straightforward. All this convoluted stuff that happened afterwards is really not to be trusted. You can't trust what a stripper tells you about what went on at the strip club. These strippers/prostitutes protect the identity/reputation of their patrons. The fiancé has 100% reason to lie to the OP, because he knows the wedding would be off if he confessed. I know the OP wants to believe her fiancé. I'm just saying he is likely to lie about this. This buddy's girlfriend who tipped her off did not have a reason to tip her off, other than to warn her. She could have kept quiet about the whole thing. But she felt compelled to disclose it to her. I don't see what motive she could have possibly had to disclose this information to her, other than to legitimately warn her. She could have kept quiet about the whole thing if her goal was to protect some other person. She would not have needed to disclose anything. Same thing with the buddy. He could have kept quiet about it to the girlfriend. It sounds to me like she stuck her neck out to warn the OP so that she could have her eyes wide open when making one of the most important decisions of her life. I just don't see any motive for her to disclose this to the OP, other than to legitimately warn her. But as I said, she'll have to decide for herself what makes the most sense. IMO, this woman (buddy's girlfriend) would have no reason to say anything to anybody, and could have remained silent, therefore protecting the identity/reputation of everyone in that bachelor party. But she chose to stick her neck out and warn the OP. Any motive other than to legitimately warn her seems too farfetched to be considered.

Edited September 13, 2013 by KathyM

[KathyM]

I think you are missing are very important point.

 

This woman did act in the best interests of the OP. The buddy did act it the best interests of the OP. BUT they acted of false information. It has already been established that the OP fiance changed places with another person before the blow job (the guy who it really was has confessed to it). This is not unusual at all at parties I have been to, although it's normally a single guy that gets put in the firing line.

 

Obviously the buddy didn't realise this and just reported what he saw happen to his girlfriend and she then told the OP. So the buddy may well be an honest person with good intentions but it also seems he was wrong in his case.

 

From what has been posted I tend to believe the fiance is innocent of these charges.

You really think the groom's buddies would have confused the groom for one of the other guys in the group? Confused the guest of honor with someone else? Not likely.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I have just called off my wedding and now I am not so sure I am doing the right thing.

 

We had our Bucks party / Hens night a fortnight ago and it was known and agreed that we were both going to have strippers there. We are both open minded so a bit of touching and maybe even a little kiss was not going to ruin our relationship. We had discussed this beforehand and we were both comfortable with the situation.

 

As far as I knew it all went off without a hitch and I was looking forward to marrying him. Last weekend a friend of a friend of a friend type thing who’s boyfriend was at this buck’s party told me that he had told her that my fiancé had gotten a headjob from the stripper in front of everyone. She felt it was her duty to tell me.

 

I went totally crazy at my fiancé and he denied all of it. I couldn’t be sure, he seemed genuine enough. I asked some of my closest friends and got them to discreetly ask their partners what they saw. They all said they saw nothing except for one who also says he saw the headjob and he saw them go into a room alone together. The problem is that this guy is a known liar but his story does confirm the initial story.

 

I have rang the stripper company and asked for the two strippers that were there could call me back so I can ask them. The lady said she would get them to but I doubt that will happen.

 

Apparently most of the guys at the party were taking videos on their phones of the show but none will show me anything or say it’s already deleted.

 

Have I done the right thing? He is still protesting his innocence and I have no real evidence apart from a person I barely know and corroborated by a known liar.

 

Is it possible that all the other guys are covering for him and it really did happen or is that unlikely?

 

We are supposed to be getting married in three weeks and we have people flying in from everywhere to be here. I have told him it is off but I have not told anyone else yet? What should I do?

 

Christ, this is a clusterf*ck. You made the right decision in calling off the wedding.

 

I suggest not doing the bolded again the next time. I don't know about others in this forum, but if I found out that my fiancee had strippers at her bridal shower, I would flip out. And I would expect the same from her too.

 

Despite popular belief, a certain amount of jealousy in a relationship is a good thing, imo.

[KathyM]

To be fair the person who pointed the finger was described as "a friend of a friend of a friend".

 

So could someone who barely knows the guest of honor mistake them for someone else? Given alcohol, a smokey room, people everywhere, yeah I think it's possible.

The person who pointed the finger was the girlfriend of one of the buddies that was at the club. The buddy did not likely confuse the groom with somebody else.

[hearttopieces]

Wow, what a story.

 

IMO. The friend who confessed getting the bj is already married to a somewhat abusive wife and their marriage seems less than perfect, so at this moment the groom has a lot more to lose if his wedding gets cancelled. Perhaps he panicked and got scared to tell the truth? Maybe the boys had an emergency meeting, decided who is going to take the blame and paid the stripper big bucks to make that call.

[myfairyking]

All i can say is, you did the right thing. This is the exact reason I hate strippers

[seekingpeaceinlove]

My impression when reading this story: Fiance got head.

 

1.) Everyone is lying to cover up for him. If the truth was that fiance was innocent then his best friends would do EVERYTHING they can including showing her vids and pics to PROVE his innocence and save his marriage even if it meant exposing other friend.

 

2.) Strippers have no incentive to tell you the truth. They have every incentive to cover for their patrons including the "guest of honor."

 

3.) Fiance could be convincing himself that he did not get head..perhaps he was passed out drunk.

 

4.) (MOST IMPORTANT) Your fiance chose to cover up and lie for a friend rather than save his marriage.

 

So, everyone thought it was more important to cover up for a friend attending the party and not the actual "guest of honor." The guest of honor was on the brink of losing his marriage and people still needed to cover up for "Bill" and weren't willing to tell the "truth."

 

Doesn't make sense but OP, if you choose to believe your fiance and move forward with this wedding it's probably time to stop posting on this thread and unload this mess from your life. Put it in the past and don't bring it up again!

Edited September 18, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove

[crederer]

I never really understood the strippers at bachelor parties. Doesn't ever seem like a good thing and I don't particularly find it all that fun.

 

And to be honest, I don't think I'd take these strippers words for it. They're not even strippers, prostitutes would be a more accurate term.

 

And I agree with you that marriage is a lifetime commitment. People saying "give it a try and divorce if it doesn't work" obviously don't value the meaning of marriage and therefore their advice is not valid on this particular subject.

 

It really urks me when people get divorced for basically any reason other than abuse. Why did you even get married? Because your friends were all getting married? Cause you thought you'd never fall out of love? Cause you didn't know he'd have a terrible accident and be wheel chair bound the rest of his life and you don't want that responsibility? Well guess what, when you get married, that's EXACTLY what you are pledging to do. Be there no matter what.

 

If you're not willing to stay and work on a loveless marriage, then you are not ready for marriage.

[JessieJ08]

I think the fact you already called it off says enough right there You do not trust him anymore and lets say you marry him your always going to be thinking of this in the back of your mind if you marry him it will get worse you will wonder if he is capable of doing any form of cheating again I just feel like thats your issue.

 

Another thing I get people do strippers but come on its a form of disrespect to you and your relationship you both should be happy that your about to marry he one person you want to spend life with not being so worried to act single one last day I personally wouldn't say its ok for my future husband or I to have strippers on the alone If I found out that he did I wouldn't marry him that to me isn't accepted your suppose to be celebrating your about to be married but a lot people celebrate their last night of being single people with that thought shouldn't def be getting married just my opinion.

 

And No I your not going to get any info from a stripper they could care less about this situation they got paid end of story Sorry but thats how strippers are its their job to have this attitude they need it to succeed in that form of work.

 

I feel really sorry that your going thru this but I think you already know he is guilty thats why you don't trust him why seek evidence it will really hurt way more just make a choice you feel is best for you so you need to be thinking if it did happen I dont have proof but I have 2 stories from 2 different people saying it happen stories both are the same therefore they check out not all the guys are going to tell you this or their wives because their wives may get mad at them and cause drama in their marriages so thats not going to happen thats why their is no proof because they know if they say anything they will be considered bad with your ex fiance Good luck

[casusbubble]

What is he doing to help you?

[Absinthe]

This looks like it's going to have to be something you decide in your gut, OP.

 

Do you marry him, with this doubt in your head about his discretion?

OR

Do you call it off, and regret it?

 

I think you already have made that decision.

 

Personally, I don't think it looks good. An ex of mine told me he'd had a stripper grind in his crotch and "almost made him jizz in his pants" when he was 21. For some reason, it made me feel physically sick. There's just something I don't trust about guys who go to and enjoy strip clubs: it shows that they have a cheapened attitude to sex. The ex ultimately proved that one right when I found out he'd been having a casual fling with three girls simultaneously. Nice.

[soccerrprp]

Why anyone would agree to strippers is beyond me. But, OP, good luck on your decision. Yes, the guys could easily be keeping to themselves.

[Valen]

I don't know who started this bachelor party stripper thing, but it's the stupidest idea ever. Why would any couple want to celebrate their coming marriage by seeing others nude? To me it makes no sense. If you are in love with your fiance and looking forward to making a life together, why would you care about seeing anyone else naked for one last time. That's just retarded.

[WhoreyBull]

I'd say don't get married and give it a few months/a year or so.

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't know. I think a guy getting married in 3 weeks getting sex of any kind from a stripper and in the company of a room full of guys, in other words, 5, 10 15 or more "witnesses" to the act would have to be really stupid. If anything, if he was going to have sex with another woman be it a stripper or the lady next door, I would think that he would protect himself by having no one else know about it.

 

In any case, I'm glad you got it cleared up and best wishes on your upcoming marriage.

 

By the way, what did the ladies do at the hen party?

[OnlyHonesty]

It no longer matters whether anything happened. You called off the wedding after hearing something happened and there seems to be no proof.

 

It would be extremely foolish to begin a marriage when there is no trust because the same thing could happen again a few months later. Perhaps somewhere deep down, you were looking for a good enough excuse not togo through with it and you found one.

[SerCay]

I'm still shocked by a stripper giving head.

 

I've hired strippers for friends' bachelorettes, I've never ever seen such a thing.

 

In fact, strippers are always instructed that it's not allowed to perform sexual acts with clients.

 

I guess this was an escort, not a stripper.

 

I do understand OP to proceed with the wedding at some point though, I mean let's assume the worst, he got head. Should she break off a good relationshi because of 1 incident?

 

BUT, OP, you must know that this will forever be in your head. You will forgive but never forget. Every time you get angry with him, it will pop up. Every time he does something slightly shady your mind will wonder. Be aware of this.

 

Best of luck!

[jimloveslips]

I don't know who started this bachelor party stripper thing

 

Yeah, I don't get the whole stripper thing to be honest - you go to a room full of other men and stare at a naked woman but you can't touch her, you can't jerk off (well I assume you can't!) and all you get is sexually frustrated… and the drinks are a rip off. Stay home with a six pack and your computer.

 

As for the head issue, if this is the worst thing that's going to compromise your marriage then yes you should end it, never see another man again. Obviously you'd rather believe some a/h friend than the man you say you love, and if he really did get head, it was an aberrant and unusual situation, get over it.

 

Either you love him (and his faults) or you don't.

[TylerDurdenn]

I thought you were open minded?

[sw2020]

The best lies are always a half truth. In all honesty, if the relationship was really good, why throw it away over a drunken BJ with a stripper?

 

Someone I know got so drunk on his stag do and he ended up sleeping with a prostitute. (I wasn't there) and he confessed to his soon to be wife before the wedding. She forgave him and they're still together and have had kids.

 

I'd say it's highly likely that your partner got something above and beyond what was agreed at this party, that's why it doesn't quite add up.

 

I really care about my mates, but there is no way in hell I would risk throwing away my marriage to protect one of them that had acted like a dick. He could have just told you the truth and asked you promise not to say anything. Job done. How much does he really trust you if he can't tell you that? *warning sign.

 

My money is on both getting a BJ. But that's based on the mates I have that really like strippers and little respect for women.

[HurtZ]

I know this is old and you probably have made your choice but I wanted to weigh in on this topic –

 

This is a prime example of why strippers should not be allowed privately at bachelor/bachelorette parties. If there is an insistence for strippers then the guys should go to the strip club where there are rules and protocols (no touching). Guys are more likely to deviate from an innocent fun striptease than women. Don’t even bother asking the strippers (or in this case hookers). They are not going to tell you anything. Same thing happened to a friend of mine. She was going to get married, on the night of the parties, the girls crashed the guys bachelor party. They peeked through a window to see a fully naked “stripper” getting dildos inserted into her by all the guys, including her fiancé. They did end up getting married though and are still married and just had their first baby. However, I don’t think I would be able to go through with it after seeing that. I haven’t read the full thread so not sure what has transpired since…but ….No one that was there is going to tell the truth. Your ex-fiance may have thought that since you were “open minded” that he could take it a little further and not have any consequences. Of course, he won’t tell you the truth.

[Arieswoman]

Sarah,

I am sorry for your dilemma but when you said,

 

I thought I was being smart letting him kiss and fondle the strippers because he probably would have done it anyway with a whole bunch of guys egging him on.

 

You were opening the door for all sorts of dodgy goings-on.

 

I have been married twice ( still with No 2) and both guys had a "stag night".

My first husband took some pals to the local and they all got legless. I believe my (ex)husband spent all day in bed getting over it.

 

My second husband paid for tickets for some pals to go to a 60's rock concert. They all had a good night without anyone getting bladdered.

 

No way would I agree to this stupid idea of strippers etc. That's just giving some guys an excuse to behave badly. No way would I agree to my fiance touching any other woman.

 

You can call me a BOF but I set the standards each time I got married.

 

I really hope you can sort this out. In the meantime you are very wise to call off the wedding.

 

Had you booked a church wedding, just for interest ?

[BOREDouttaMymind]

do the trick game to see if hes lying.

 

...of coruse it doesn't always work and it depends mostly on how you sound when you ask him..

 

..but if you want, and you think its approprieate, and if you really don't believe him, say to him, "so, one of the guys friends at the party showed me the video but I wanted to let you know im not mad and I just want to move on and forget it because I love you'.

 

if he really didn't, it will blow up in your face, but if he did, and hes not thinking properly at the moment, he'll say, "you found out? youre ok with it?"

 

I did it to my ex gf years back, pretending like I knew she cheated and she came right out and admitted it. I left her that day.

 

again, don't do this if you don't have to. its a LAST resort which can blow up in your face and make you look like a liar.