man i've fallen for is back with ex GF

[scotland4]

zara

 

Sorry events haven't gone to plan. I didn't think they would -- sorry!

 

As for you friend setting you up on a date with someone. Well, that was fairly crass. I've never once understood the "get out on the pull to get over somebody" mentality. Rebound relationships never work. But I gather that wasn't something that interested you. Her emotional support would be a greater help.

 

Remind me what you do for a living and how long you've been in that role? Only change job if it's professionally correct. I changed job in similar circumstance to you... ..and it was a disaster.

 

There's little I can add. Do you want him back? What was the attraction? Was it animal chemistry or something more substantial. Didn't you say your career was better than his.

 

By all means try and find closure with him. But it doesn't appear that he'll entertain that. Keep in touch

[zara]

The date was something she's been nagging me about for a while and, terminally polite as i am, i agreed to keep her happy. However, i have fulfilled my duty on that front and there shall be no repeat.

 

if you check my other posts you will see that i am an exotic dancer/ stripper/ lapdancer - call it what you will. And the man i have been seeing is a bouncer at the club where i work. However, neither of us are stereotypical: i have a regular career too and i was in the process of helping him to apply to university because he is quite bright and would like to develop his education.

 

I have the option of working at a different club but i do like the club and people where we both currently work. But if we can't resolve things then it may affect his ability to protect me and as mentioned, i don't think i can stand to see him with his GF when she comes in.

 

To be honest, i do want him back. The attraction was physical, chemical and personal. From the moment he started there was amazing chemistry between us but we could also talk for hours on an intelligent level. He was sweet and thoughtful and i guess that's what confused me - i thought "you don't do thoughful sweet things for someone you just want to screw". Evidently i was wrong.

 

But as i said, it really needs to be resolved, so tonight i am going to make sure that we get some time to talk.

[scotland5]

Well, good luck tonight.

 

Rhetorical question. Did he just want to "screw" a lapdancer for bragging rights?

 

I thought I had a great chemistry with my ex but from early on I realised she was a bimbo - and my heart sank.

 

I know the feeling when you see an ex with someone ( don't forget that he saw you on a "date") Maybe his stomach was in knots too. Even if this date meant nothing.

 

Funnily enough my ex took up with a bouncer. The whole thing went tits up big style for her. She tried to worm her way back to me but the trust was gone. She has seen me with my current g/f and I know she was v v uncomfotable about that.

 

But tonight be very clear about what you need to say. The best way to annoy him is either ignore him or be seen enjoying yourself ( without his company ) As for the politics of getting him back. Well sorry.....can't help you there but I know it's an awful feeling.

 

Try and post a reply before 8pm as I'm tied up after that. I'd love to date a lapdancer but my lifestyle wouldn't be compatible. I like milky coffee at 10pm, quick read of a book, sex at 11pm and big zzzzzzz's by midnight! Boring.........

 

Would love to hear your opinion on my posting. Hope you can find time to read it. Author nickname was mijas.

 

Enjoy your day ( if you can! )

[zara]

i've read your post and left a comment - hope you find it useful.

 

I'm not the type who would usually date a bouncer, having as i do a penchant for intelligent and trustworthy men, (although the two qualities do seem somewhat difficult to find in men of any occupation!), but like i say, this one was different. Or so i thought.

 

It would be nice to think his stomach was in knots too, but somehow i doubt it... i don't have that effect on people. All i ever invoke is lust.

[scotland6]

Zara, long story, but something has come up at work and I don't have time to type a thoughtful reply.

But I will read your other posting.....and digest your words!!

 

Have a peaceful weekend and don't beat yourself up about matters out of your control! OK!

[missopinionated]

So, given this story happens 50 million times a day and at the end of it there's some woman, who lets herself be played by a bonafide player, moaning that she doesn't know what happened, why do you think you're the one and only woman who ISN'T going to be a statistic?

 

You've identified every bad quality about this guy and yourself but you figure this is all going to work out?

 

Silly girl. Move on. Otherwise, you're going to be another really badly dressed statistic and end up on Jerry Springer.

[scotland8]

zara

 

how are things? you've disappeared from the forum!

 

thanks for your reply to my posting. i think you called it right. i haven't seen her recently but there's a festering tension between us when we do meet. boy, it's fun.....not! the big giveaway that she wanted back was the fact she chose to pass on her new phone number for no reason what-so-ever hmmm...

 

hope you're well

[zara]

Friday night was hard but I had made my mind up that I had to go tell him that I did not appreciate his lying to me about his girlfriend and that actually I didn’t want to see him, sleep with him or hear his lies ever again.

 

But the man’s arrogance and vanity know no bounds and he was STILL flirting with my, running his hands over my thighs above my stocking tops and behaving as though nothing was wrong.

 

So I made the girls give us some time so that I could put him straight. I asked him outright if he had a girlfriend, he said no, I told him that I believed otherwise and he seemed annoyed that I didn’t believe him or trust him. I told him that as an adult there are things I need to know and that I don’t appreciate being treated as though I am stupid. I then asked him what the hell he’d wanted with me? He looked dumbfounded and just stood there squirming, so I said it really wasn’t a difficult question. He said that I was scarey and I laughed and said “l’il ol me?! I’m not asking you to marry me!”. Then I said,

“ok, I’ll make it easier. Do you want to F*** me? – yes or no answer?” His jaw hit the floor. “You can say no, I really don’t care, it’s just I really don’t get what you’ve been after so I’m asking you straight.”

“I don’t want to stop”

“Are you sure about that?”

“yes, it’s been good”

“so now I know.”

 

Then I had to go back to work. He walked me to my taxi that night and kissed me goodnight and said he’d see me tomorrow. I went home and sat thinking about how I really didn’t make it clear to him that actually, I don’t want to be involved with him anymore.

 

Next night i tell my only colleague who doesn’t know about what has been going on – she said she thought he was such a nice guy and everyone agreed that that was just his angle. Then she went down and without telling him that she knew, started telling him how her ex bf had lied to her and how all men were just heartbreakers.

 

I then get a text from him saying that “we’ve got lots of reasons to be good friends and I don’t have a problem with no strings sex, but both become harder when emotions are involved.”

 

-Well, I hit the roof! I mean, is the man deaf???! That makes it sound as though I had declared my undying love for him and begged him to be mine! When in fact I was trying to do the opposite. So I went marching up to him and told him exactly that and added that all I wanted was sex “but I couldn’t even be bothered with that anymore.” . Then our manager came and chatted and started talking about how awful men were so I was making barbed comments about men having egos so big they assume every girl is going to fall madly in love with them and it was great to see him standing there squirming. And then i turned on my heel and walked away.

 

The girls hugged me in the staff room and said it was about time he was put in his place they were proud. Although I admitted that I felt kind of bad about it and I wish I had never got sucked in by him in the first place. Then at home time one of my colleagues came in and said that his girlfriend was waiting outside. That was it. The girls shoved me out there and insisted I tell her what had been going on. So I asked her if she was his girlfriend. She said yes. Then I told her he’s been sleeping with me. She burst into tears and left.

 

I went home. Then I get a call off him asking what I’ve said to her. He’s panicking. He wants to know exactly what I said. “the truth”

“your version of it”

“no, there is only one truth”

“Then you would have told her that you’ve been on my case for weeks and I told you no… You were just trying to upset her because you didn’t get he answer you want…we only had sex once”

It’s obvious that this is what he intends to tell her, indeed probably has done by now. I so wish she had been a woman about this and called me to ask exactly what happened, or even asked any of the other girls who know that I am not a liar or manipulative, that I would not try to steal her man (and definitely not that man!)_ but she’s just a kid and I know she will believe him and allow herself to be manipulated by him.

 

I went and spoke to our manager and explained the whole damned mess. She asked if I wanted him to get the sack and I said no, I wouldn’t want him to lose his job over this, it’d only make things worse.

 

So now I’m taking a week off work to let it all blow over. I just hope he can put aside his bruised ego and let the whole thing go.

[soccer_809]

Hi Zara:

 

You gave me some good advice in another thread and referred me to this one, which I read through.

 

Glad you had the courage to finally get everything out in the open and drop this bonehead. I'm sure it was difficult, but you deserve better.

 

You said you think you are just good for a screw? I think its just the guys you have met. You sound like a thoughtful, caring person (from your posts to me), maybe you just need to find a guy who is secure enough to handle you and has some emotional maturity. My ex (wife) was also beautiful and it did sometimes cause probs when we were young. Guys do have egos, and dating a hot babe is confusing sometimes .. yeah you look great on our arm .. but hey, we worry about the pack of wolves drooling at the door ..

 

But you'll find someone that can handle you eventually. Just stay open and honest about everything and the right guy will take you for the whole package and consider himself really lucky.

 

I'd say just don't look for him at your club, you still take courses at school .. ? Maybe its going to be someone a bit older or at least a guy that's really mature for his age.

 

BTW, my GF (the other thread) and I had another great weekend and we just keep getting better and better. Feels like a very good match. So there's hope.

 

Have a good hard workout, clear your head, and be thankful you are out of that mess.

[zara]

Thank you for your post - i wish the men i meet shared your maturity. I thought that since he was the same age as me, in his late 20's, (i usually go for slightly younger guys) that he might be different. I'm certainly never going to get involved with anyone i work with again - i knew it was a dumb thing to do in the first place.

 

I don't take any classes, i'm hoping to start my doctorate in the next year or two, but that's not quite the same thing. i'm just planning to concentrate on wowrk and leave the whole idea of romance out - just as i was before i got sucked in by this guy. Although i do feel as though i could use some protection now that i've annoyed him so much.

[soccer_809]

University romance .. now that brings back painful memories, my ex had a short-lived affair with her master's advisor. What a nice way to drive a stake through the heart of a young marriage (with kids) .. and for the worst sex she's ever had in her life, she said. But that's another story.

 

Like you said, if you forget about romance and just have fun, it can be a lot easier.

 

That's what happened in our current thing. We both kept insisting it was just for fun .. and it was a LOT of fun .. but then we were on the same wavelength all the time and ..

[zara]

Can safely say i wouldn't have touched my Master's advisors! *shiver* and i don't think it's becoming of a woman of almost 30 to get a crush on anyone i encounter whilst doing my phd!

 

When i say stay away from romance i mean stay away from men! this is actually really easy for me, since i am always at work and people in my day job are mostly female or unattractive and people in my night job are, well, they're customers... or colleagues, and i think that's where this thread began!

 

It's so good to hear that your relationship is strong and good, i retain hope (optimistic fool that i am) that one day i could have something like that.

[scotland12]

ZARA - my goodness, what a weekend in terms of ****-fan hittingness!!

 

well at least you've found out the type of "man" he was. Arrogant, vain and immature. staying away from work for a week should help the dust settle.

 

here's a good tip from a bloke - don't completely ignore him nor should you flirt outrageously under his nose. both options would just indicate that he got to you and that you're going out of your way to "stick it up him"

 

go about your work as normal, talk to him as if nothing ever happened but be impersonal. i think that would piss me off.

 

now, my overall take is that your relationship was just a lust/animal thing. and as you know only too well they never ever last. i dare say in your line of work the obvious "sexual" element could be an issue. how do you handle that. i'd find it difficult and i'm the complete opposite of your ex b/f ie older educated etc

 

out of interest, what is your "day job"? and which phd are you taking?

 

my split with my ex unravelled in exactly the same manner and it wasn't fun! i know my ex was intimidated by my so called intellect. the politics of these things are deep and hard to fathom out

 

but time heals and we all learn.......

 

keep in touch if you want to vent some anger!

[zara]

THanks for the advice - i think that's the ideal solution. Completely ignoring him would be too much like hard work anyway and flirting in front of him impossible because he knows that's my job!

 

He did tell me that he found it difficult "i see you all up there doing the flirt thing then you come down here and do it with me - it won't work." Although it obviously did! I do remember dancing for a customer in the VIP lounge and he walked up to the tinted window to do his check and i sat with my back on the customer looking straight at him, sucking my fingers and blowing kisses...

 

It was pretty much an animal lust thing although we genuinelt had a little more than that, we would sit and talk for hours about politics, education etc. But i guess it's hard to do that and consider the possibility of anything more than sex when the woman you are talking to is wearing a see thru dress or school uniform or bunny girl costume. I guess i don't think about it anymore, i'm pretty immune to it all, but one of my colleagues is a lesbian and she says that sometimes it can be difficult to concentrate with some of us girls around at work "you don't realise you're doing it, but you have that effect".

 

My day job is as a researcher and i haven't quite decided on my phd yet but it will be something in the housing field.

 

I've warned my day job that i split up with my bf and he might try to cause trouble so that if he does decide to call and inform them of my night job i can just say that it's malicious rumour.

 

It astounds me that he could think he could pull the wool over my eyes and treat me as though i am a moron! He KNOWS that i'm not a bimbo - he's been to my workplace, he's had me explain complext political concepts to him, and yet he really thought that he could get away with treating me like some lovesick little 20 year old! *vent* I know that he was upset becaue i didn't declare my undying love for him, but come on, i'm almost 30 years of age, i know a six-week-shag when i come across it! *vent* He admitted to me that he is used to being with 19/ 20 year olds who he has to tell what to do and what to think and he told me that it was refreshing that iknew my own mind and opinions - yeah, but when it came down to it, he didn't like it at all...*vent, vent*

 

okay, vent over. Thanks again.

[scotland14]

Zara

 

I'm pleased things have sort of settled down! And you've got your head round "the problem". If anything bubbles up then make a posting as I'll check this site from time to time.

 

I nearly bumped into my ex this afternoon. I drove in to town and as I vainly attempted to find a parking space I spied her car so I headed for another car park just in case! I'd probably let rip if I met her face to face!

 

Anyway, good luck with your PhD !

[zara]

okay, this is probably my last post on the subject, but i just wanted to check what people think about what happened this weekend...

 

Friday night was not a great one - the club was dead and most of us were earning precisely nothing. One of the other dancers told me that she had spoken to his GF and she was calling my a whore and a liar and said she wanted to hit me (she obviously believes his lies, as i thought she would, her age shows in her naiveity and actions) - my colleague stuck up for me and told her that iwas certainly nothing of the sort and that if anyone had lied to her it was her BF.

 

But the night got much worse towards the end when his GF walked in I mean, how could he allow her to step foot in my workplace??? Why on earth did she dare to do such a thing? I can only think of two reasons A) to confront me or B) to prove some absurd childish point about 'this is my man'.

I don't know which it was because my colleagues were brilliant and moved in to surround me and put a glass of wine in my hand, whilst others spoke to the manager and others told the ones who know her to get her the hell out of there. She is now barred from coming upstairs into the club.

 

Do you think he allowed her to come up because he WANTED some sort of 'scene' to take place? He probably relished the thought of two girls fighting over him - my, how wrong could he get?

 

Anyway, i had the next night off and went out for a few drinks with a friend, we ended up at the club and i got very very drunk. His GF was downstairs waiting for him and as i left with my friend at the end of the night i told me friend "There's that b*tch who threatened to punch me!" - my friend reckons she was within earshot Hmmmm, on one hand i wish i hadn't gotten quite so drunk, on the other i'm glad that i didn't let him stop me having a good time. But i have to confess, it's really hard - on a quiet night i would usually spend an hour or two talking to him downstairs, but i can't do that anymore and it was horrid.

[morrigan]

Zara, his behavior is out of line, but not suprising. Ignore his dumb girlfriend. She doesn't have much of a prize in him.

 

This little boy can apparently put on a good act for a little while, but his true nature eventually comes through. Don't let this cripple your self esteem. Some of the biggest players are extremely good manipulators.

 

Look at him realistically---a slut who needs to be with young girls he can dominate, then is pathetic enough to tell a girlfriend some silly story that you practically forced yourself sexually on him. He doesn't want a relationship with any woman who may have brains. He's good for a roll in the hay, but he's dead in the water when it comes to being mature.

 

Stay cool at your job--it makes you look better if you don't cause a scene. It's not going to be easy to be around him, but there isn't a lot to do about it. If he tries to hit on you again, tell him that you are bored with him and to stop calling you. If he continues you to bother you, tell management. If you have to speak to him, be polite but distant. It makes it all the more clear that there is nothing going to happen between you two again.

[zara]

Morrigan, thanks for your post.

 

You are absolutely right in everything you say.

 

When i told the girl about her man and i i did actually tell her that i didn't care about the man, i was more concerned about her and that she isn't made a fool of. But i really think that is the sort of thing you can only appreciate with some degree of maturity - i would have loved for her to call me up or come talk to me, woman to woman, to find out what really happened and how i feel about it. If she had she would know that i don't want her man - like you said, not much of a prize - and i wish she could realize that she is better off without him.

 

i love the idea that i forced myself on him sexually - he's a 6ft 5" bouncer and i'm a 5ft nothing stripper. " Yes, i pinned him down, your honour, every time, and he hated every second of it. " I don't think there is a jury in the land that would buy that!

[scotland 14]

hi zara

 

hmmm, your last posting! i have a feeling that things are not over for you. i just sense that there's mileage in it yet.

 

sometimes things get worse before they get better. or maybe i'm still bitter from last year! anyway, i thought you were going to lie low for a week! as for his g/f showing up....well....who knows. maybe he put her up to it out of jealousy/insensitivity or ignorance.

 

trust me, the way to diffuse him is not taking the bait. ignore it and pretend everything is normal. speak to him as if nothing ever happened. that would get to me personally.

 

i managed to bump in to my ex yesterday in safeway of all places. not funny ( well for her! ) i was with my g/f as we hit the deli counter all at the same time but she took one glance, threw me a look and spun off somewhere else.

 

the look she gave me made me shiver. in fact it bugged me all last night. i just hate that "unfinished business" feeling. it's kind of love and hate which i don't like.

it hangs like a bad smell. what do you think. i'm a bright guy but i've never truly understood women!

 

so to finish, keep the head ( and lay off the booze - clouds the judgement! ) and for god's sake don't end up in a fight verbal or physical with his g/f. that would make things 1000 times worse and play in to his hands.

[zara]

it's such a pain when you live in the same neighbourhood, uncomfortable incidents like the Safeway episode do tend to happen. Personally, if i saw you with your gf i'd make a point of ducking away so that you didn't see me rather than giving you a filthy look. Better to maintain anonymity - unless she really is stalking you?!

 

As for my laying low - i couldn't afford to, i need the money from work, but it's not easy to concentrate i will admit. I certainly do not intend to get into any sort of confrontation with his GF - i'm far too old for such undignified behaviour and i think you are right, he probably put her up to it, as his manipulative way...

 

I didn't get the other job i applied for either, so i am stuck there for the time being. So your advice is the way forward, behave as if nothing had ever happened and secretly hope he gets hit by a bus...

[scotland16]

An ex being hit by a bus! Now why did that make me laugh !

 

I don't believe that my ex is a stalker but over the last 6 months she has shown face in places she knows I frequent. We split last Sept and by Dec she was "pregnant" to her new b/f, they bought a house together but he backed out and doesn't stay there. ( but I believe they're still sort of dating! )

 

Now, this is a naughty thought but I'll bet she never was pregnant but said this to have two affects. 1 - To get a rope around his neck and 2 - To stick it up me, so to speak.

 

My hunch is that thru April/May when we swapped all those texts she was fishing for a way back in but I didn't take the bait.The texts were too personal for anything else.

She will avoid me like the plague now that I'm hitched up. But I sense her spectre!

 

I admit I have feelings for her but like you and your ex, it was animal lust and not an emotional bond. Plus she was an airhead. I have a degree and speak 2 other languages and she was seriously intimidated by that.

 

I'm sure her current relationship will fail. His family don't like her and he has twice tried to "get out". And 10% of me would take her back but the other 90% would laugh its head off!

 

Sorry about my rant! I'm in that sort of mood today!

 

Take care and make a posting if you feel the need!

[zara]

More than a sneaking suspicion that this pregancy never existed. In fact, i'll watch out for my ex announcing impending babies/ nuptuals over the coming weeks!

 

Isn't it odd, here we are, intelligent, educated people yet, there is still something in us that looks at our ex's and grunts, caveman style "Ug! Want!" ???!!!

 

Now, where did i put my bus drivers application form...

[scotland17]

Hi Zara

 

Don't even know if you still use this forum!

 

How is your life? Any dealings with your ex?

 

I had some fun and games yesterday. I was in a cafe when I spied my ex, with son and her b/f. So I perched myself in the corner and got on with my paper ( I was next to the door ) As they left she uttered something in my direction. Two snidey phrases. It was in one of those "loud voices" ie not loud enough that everyone her it but enough that I took it in.

 

Anyway just as they stepped out ( I was only 6 feet away through the glass, she started snogging her man, big style. It was quite funny. I'm amazed that 15 months down the line she felt the need to "put on a show" ( I should be flattered as I'm clearly on her mind) Also the poor b/f must have guessed by now that he was being used.

 

It's like the relationship that wouldn't die. Actually I'm concerned about it as her man is a monsterous prison officer and may set about me in a vicious manner!! only joking.

I'm old enough to know that I haven't heard the last of her. But I'm planning to move house soon. Spain should be far enough away.

 

Also, I'll put a large sum of money on him dumping her soon - eg early New year. ( I'm privvy to good info from his family ) Thats always a good time to move on. Now wouldn't that be funny!

 

Hope you're well

[zara]

Spain should do the trick. In your position i am sure i would have laughed as she made her childish 'point'. The poor guy must have twigged what was going on. She has a lot of growing up to do.

 

Have been getting on at work the best that i can, acting as though nothing ever happened. However, last night was our works Christmas party and he came late, looking gorgeous and i was a bit drunk, well, no actually i got very drunk.

 

I was flirting with him quite heavily and he and another bouncer came back to my place but nothing happened - or at least nothing as far as i can remember. I'm not sure to be honest. This morning i found a text message that i had been typing to send to him, but didn't, it said "You are soooo not worth it." so i am wondering if i made a pass at him, i don't know and i do'nt want to ask him. In any case i'll just laugh it off and say "i was drunk - that's the only way i'd ever want you again!". I'm not at work until 30th December now anyway so hopefully anything that i did will blow over by then...