How could I how could I not

[xxoo]

When she voices such hope ("this is usually the kind of things that couples work on together") he is firm and tells her that he is taking time to work through his issues. And he is.

 

 

What does that mean, though? Why wouldn't him working through his issues give her hope?

 

It is cruel to drag it out like this. What is the justification? Hiding the affair?

[SidLyon]

It's far from blaming it all on her. He recognizes that she is who she is. She recognizes things in herself but is unwilling or unable to change them. And he doesn't fault her for these things. He's pointed out the incompatibilities, to catch her up to speed with where his mind has been. I have pointed out to him that acting in certain ways is likely giving her hope. When she voices such hope ("this is usually the kind of things that couples work on together") he is firm and tells her that he is taking time to work through his issues. And he is.

 

I'm not leaving him nor am I pressuring him right now. I am watching and evaluating. He's continued to be honest and open about the conversations he's had with her. He been open and honest with me about where his head is at in relation to that. I don't believe I'm being strung along. I watch his actions, behavior, and words. I won't put stress in a place (between us) where there needs to be none.

 

You're probably right that he's not stringing you along nearly as much as he's doing it to her. I am now wondering if you even recognise that the way he's treating her is emotionally abusive?

 

Would you like it if the conversations he has with you were reported to someone else without your knowledge, and that same someone was plotting the demise of your relationship? Is that real honesty I wonder? Why do you encourage him to abuse another woman? Actually I don't expect you to answer these questions here, but it would be nice if you could consider these things yourself. I hope your evaluations do consider the overall human decency (or not) of his behaviour.

Edited September 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Compliance with guidelines.

[velvette]

It's far from blaming it all on her. He recognizes that she is who she is. She recognizes things in herself but is unwilling or unable to change them. And he doesn't fault her for these things. He's pointed out the incompatibilities, to catch her up to speed with where his mind has been. I have pointed out to him that acting in certain ways is likely giving her hope. When she voices such hope ("this is usually the kind of things that couples work on together") he is firm and tells her that he is taking time to work through his issues. And he is.

 

I'm not leaving him nor am I pressuring him right now. I am watching and evaluating. He's continued to be honest and open about the conversations he's had with her. He been open and honest with me about where his head is at in relation to that. I don't believe I'm being strung along. I watch his actions, behavior, and words. I won't put stress in a place (between us) where there needs to be none.

 

Do you really hear what you are saying? He is gaslighting her and you think that's just peachy.

 

How long do you think you can watch him do this before you lose all respect for him? I mean people break up all the time. High schoolers do it several times a month lol. Why is it so difficult for him to have a two sentence convo with her saying "I'm not happy. I don't want to be in this R anymore and nothing is going to change my mind."

 

Tell or don't tell about the cheating, but put her out of her misery. How would you feel about a man who was doing this to someone you cared about or you?

 

I really don't get how you are ok with what he is doing to this woman. But, I hope you are taking notes or at least printing and saving this thread. Whatever is in his character that allows him to do this to her is long ingrained. You will be seeing it again if you end up in a R with him and since you are supporting and cheerleading him along you wont have much room to protest it when its turned on you.

 

You really should expect more from someone who wants to be in a R with you. I hope you will spend some time evaluating why you don't rather than evaluating his inexplicable and indefensible treatment of her.

[threelaurels]

I have pointed out to him that acting in certain ways is likely giving her hope. When she voices such hope ("this is usually the kind of things that couples work on together") he is firm and tells her that he is taking time to work through his issues. And he is. [/Quote]

 

Why hasn't be broken it off with her yet? Why does he still need to be in a relationship with her while working on these issues? I think he is keeping both of you on the hook while he tries to figure out what he wants.

 

Realistically, a breakup shouldn't take this long, even if they've been together for a long time. They aren't legally married, wouldn't qualify for common law marriage if they lived in a state where it is recognized, don't have kids together, and presumably don't have joint finances or own property together since they live apart. Any stuff of her stuff at his place and his stuff at her place could probably be moved out in a day or two.

 

There's a difference between being sensitive to someone in a breakup and treating them with kid gloves. She's a grown woman, and she can handle the truth. She's obviously been through a breakup before considering her divorce.

 

I'm not leaving him nor am I pressuring him right now. I am watching and evaluating. He's continued to be honest and open about the conversations he's had with her. He been open and honest with me about where his head is at in relation to that. I don't believe I'm being strung along. I watch his actions, behavior, and words. I won't put stress in a place (between us) where there needs to be none.

 

How long are you willing to wait for him to break it off with her? At the rate he's going, their breakup could take years. If he's not willing to give you a solid timeline and stick to it within reason, it's time to start issuing some ultimatums. You're young, and you have plenty of options. He needs to start showing you that he is willing to do what it takes to be with you, even if it's difficult and hurts her.

 

If you're the one he really loves, he should be prioritizing your feelings and needs over hers. The breakup will hurt her, but he's not the one that should be comforting her in her time of need. That's what her friends and family are there for. If she doesn't have those, he should reccomend that she a counselor to talk to.

[Red Wolverine]

It's far from blaming it all on her. He recognizes that she is who she is. She recognizes things in herself but is unwilling or unable to change them. And he doesn't fault her for these things. He's pointed out the incompatibilities, to catch her up to speed with where his mind has been. I have pointed out to him that acting in certain ways is likely giving her hope. When she voices such hope ("this is usually the kind of things that couples work on together") he is firm and tells her that he is taking time to work through his issues. And he is.

 

I'm not leaving him nor am I pressuring him right now. I am watching and evaluating. He's continued to be honest and open about the conversations he's had with her. He been open and honest with me about where his head is at in relation to that. I don't believe I'm being strung along. I watch his actions, behavior, and words. I won't put stress in a place (between us) where there needs to be none.

 

I could have written all of the same things after xMM told his wife he was unhappy, had been for years, and wanted out. He told me everything she said. I felt terrible. She was crushed, desperate to hold onto him, and blamed herself. Ironically, I never felt like as much of an intruder in their marriage as I did then. He never wavered from telling me he was sure their marriage was over.

You're probably right that he's not stringing you along nearly as much as he's doing it to her. I am now wondering if you even recognise that the way he's treating her is emotionally abusive?

 

Exactly. At this point in my affair, I recognized this as abusive and cruel. It's as if he threw it all out there and watched the aftermath. In my case, I believe he enjoyed finally feeling control in his marriage. Every time he mentioned his wife, he talked about her "walking around on eggshells."

 

Would you like it if the conversations he has with you were reported to someone else without your knowledge, and that same someone was plotting the demise of your relationship? Is that real honesty I wonder? Why do you encourage him to abuse another woman? Actually I don't expect you to answer these questions here, but it would be nice if you could consider these things yourself. I hope your evaluations do consider the overall human decency (or not) of his behaviour.

 

Do you really hear what you are saying? He is gaslighting her and you think that's just peachy.

 

Has she asked him if there is someone else? Mine did and listening to the pride he took in successfully lying about it was terrible.

 

How long do you think you can watch him do this before you lose all respect for him? I mean people break up all the time. High schoolers do it several times a month lol. Why is it so difficult for him to have a two sentence convo with her saying "I'm not happy. I don't want to be in this R anymore and nothing is going to change my mind."

 

This is where I really got to see his conflict avoidant behavior first hand. He vacillated between cocky and indifferent when discussing her. It took six weeks from when he originally told her to when our affair ended.

 

Tell or don't tell about the cheating, but put her out of her misery. How would you feel about a man who was doing this to someone you cared about or you?

 

I asked myself this very question. If he is capable of treating the mother of his children this way, God help anyone else. I saw a different side of xMM after he told her. It became a game of cat and mouse, only this cat was lucky enough to have two mice.

 

I really don't get how you are ok with what he is doing to this woman. But, I hope you are taking notes or at least printing and saving this thread. Whatever is in his character that allows him to do this to her is long ingrained. You will be seeing it again if you end up in a R with him and since you are supporting and cheerleading him along you wont have much room to protest it when its turned on you.

 

You really should expect more from someone who wants to be in a R with you. I hope you will spend some time evaluating why you don't rather than evaluating his inexplicable and indefensible treatment of her.

Edited September 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[Anna-Belle]

The best thing my now separated MM did on Dday was to tell his wife he loved me and was not ending his relationship with me. This made it so much easier for his wife to gauge the situation. He stood by this basic fact and held tight to it while his marriage crumbled around him.

 

He has told everyone about me and their reactions have been much more accepting than he ever would have thought. For years he was scared to tell the truth. Once it was out there it wasn't even close to as bad as he had imagined.

 

I'd recommend to anyone in an EMR to tell the truth, don't hide the fact that there has been an EMR. Let the pieces fall where they may.

[Red Wolverine]

It's far from blaming it all on her. He recognizes that she is who she is. She recognizes things in herself but is unwilling or unable to change them. And he doesn't fault her for these things. He's pointed out the incompatibilities, to catch her up to speed with where his mind has been. I have pointed out to him that acting in certain ways is likely giving her hope. When she voices such hope ("this is usually the kind of things that couples work on together") he is firm and tells her that he is taking time to work through his issues. And he is.

 

I'm not leaving him nor am I pressuring him right now. I am watching and evaluating. He's continued to be honest and open about the conversations he's had with her. He been open and honest with me about where his head is at in relation to that. I don't believe I'm being strung along. I watch his actions, behavior, and words. I won't put stress in a place (between us) where there needs to be none.

 

It's impossible for him to work through the issues and maintain a relationship with you. Why would he want to work through anything? Supposedly it's over.

 

Get ready, him being open and honest is primer for him later telling you he was open and honest so you can't blame him. It's passive aggressive.

 

Right now, he's feeling in control. Two women want him.

 

He will end up with the one who hangs in there. To him, that is safe. She is bargaining with him and he's considering the offer. Meanwhile, you're patiently waiting, believing your day has finally come.

 

He won't make a decision. You're seeing it now. As I've said before, weakness leads to affairs. The same weakness keeps people in their primary relationship or marriage.

 

As soon as you begin to question this to him, you'll see exactly where you stand and the lengths he will go to to try to shift the blame. Good news here is that you can see these flaws now versus later.

[yellowmaverick]

WF - I think you need to get back to your original post and ask yourself that question - How could you??

[Mount]

Agree.

 

And basically what is the purpose that we are talking about here? As nothing will change, the guy will be continuing having two women, so OP will be in the same situation not only 5 months, 15 months or 50 months.

 

It is what it is, because no one is making the move to change anything. The MM is not leaving his current relationship, and "wrinkledforhead" is not leaving the MM. So just get on life. No poin talk back and forth, while 0 critical change in reality.

 

 

 

It's impossible for him to work through the issues and maintain a relationship with you. Why would he want to work through anything? Supposedly it's over.

 

Get ready, him being open and honest is primer for him later telling you he was open and honest so you can't blame him. It's passive aggressive.

 

Right now, he's feeling in control. Two women want him.

 

He will end up with the one who hangs in there. To him, that is safe. She is bargaining with him and he's considering the offer. Meanwhile, you're patiently waiting, believing your day has finally come.

 

He won't make a decision. You're seeing it now. As I've said before, weakness leads to affairs. The same weakness keeps people in their primary relationship or marriage.

 

As soon as you begin to question this to him, you'll see exactly where you stand and the lengths he will go to to try to shift the blame. Good news here is that you can see these flaws now versus later.

[wrinkledforhead]

Why hasn't be broken it off with her yet? Why does he still need to be in a relationship with her while working on these issues? I think he is keeping both of you on the hook while he tries to figure out what he wants.

 

Realistically, a breakup shouldn't take this long, even if they've been together for a long time. They aren't legally married, wouldn't qualify for common law marriage if they lived in a state where it is recognized, don't have kids together, and presumably don't have joint finances or own property together since they live apart. Any stuff of her stuff at his place and his stuff at her place could probably be moved out in a day or two.

 

There's a difference between being sensitive to someone in a breakup and treating them with kid gloves. She's a grown woman, and she can handle the truth. She's obviously been through a breakup before considering her divorce.

 

 

 

How long are you willing to wait for him to break it off with her? At the rate he's going, their breakup could take years. If he's not willing to give you a solid timeline and stick to it within reason, it's time to start issuing some ultimatums. You're young, and you have plenty of options. He needs to start showing you that he is willing to do what it takes to be with you, even if it's difficult and hurts her.

 

If you're the one he really loves, he should be prioritizing your feelings and needs over hers. The breakup will hurt her, but he's not the one that should be comforting her in her time of need. That's what her friends and family are there for. If she doesn't have those, he should reccomend that she a counselor to talk to.

 

 

Thank you for stating that clearly and without overly harsh criticisms or judgement of character. I will show your words to him, because I agree.

[wrinkledforhead]

She is convinced he is leaving. Well, once ge has "deconstructed" his primary R. Watever that means.

 

Wrinkled, I think you are so incredibly blinded by affair fog that you cant see the best thing for him to do, the right thing, is just end it. According to him, he has already indicated to her he unhappy. So wat is the delay? He doesnt want it to be "b/c of you" ywt is not willing to end it with you until he is single. That is words not equaling actions. You both want your cake - you want to be together, but not be publicly viewed as adulterers. You dont want to hurt her or "drop a bomb" but arent willing to stop cheating.

 

What is so horrible about not seeung him until he is single? Believe me, neither of you will die. Is it b/c youre afraid he wont go thru with it if you arent tending to him? Well if so then you have your answer.

 

Also I think your addicted to "issues". Wat will you two talk about, when the intimacies of his pprimary R become moot? (If that ever happens, that is)

 

Oh goodness. We don't only talk about his issues, or mine. Not even close. We discuss many, many things. Yesterday we spoke on various economies in different countries, my school, parenting... And that is only one convo.

 

I guess based on the way you see it, I could be a cake eater. I actually don't enjoy cake, though. I'm not afraid of losing him. I'm quite capable of being single and independent. It just creates this horrible empty feeling inside. He's my friend. I enjoy my time with him. He meets several needs that have been severely neglected for quite some time. There is gain for me in this relationship, too. The goal is net happiness, and I have that.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Wrinkled,

 

I think you are watching the end of his relationship play out, whether it take another 2 months, 6 months or 6 years. But it will end eventually.

 

Thing is...you are seeing this, and know their relationship started as an affair, and both of their patterns of poor coping skills...yet you continue to assume that your relationship with him is or will be different. I don't get that, it is illogical.

 

I am sure if you were to ask her, she would tell you that their relationship was built on honesty and deep love etc. same as yours. And so she expects him to be honest with her and he's filling her head with lies.

 

But yet...he is breaking up with her and not telling her the truth, not allowing her the opportunity to deal honestly with the facts of her life.

 

She will continue to hold on because his "issues" are all fixable in a long term relationship, just not in this case, because he has already has you waiting in the wings. She does have a chance.

 

Thing is, she was an OW too, so she should be told. She will get it. And it will eventually be easier for her because she has the truth and not a lie.

 

And your life with him starts out and continues based on lies. And down the road, when he meets the next AP, or you do, this is how you all will handle breaking up.

 

Ad OP, you write as if you are self aware, yet you do not seem to acknowledge at any point, nor does your AP that you are both planning on building a life that has a foundation of more lies.

 

Rather than begin to live authentic lives, albeit that started off dishonestly, you intend to continue to pretend.

 

So does that mean your anniversary will be back dated? Do you lie to your children friends and family about how and when you met, your first dates etc. because if they know then other people will know.

 

If you tell the truth, will there be fallout, yeah probably, but that it the consequence and you need to handle it with maturity and sensitivity.

 

I do hope for all concerned you and he shift your thinking, realize that you need to come clean, deal with the fallout and start living authentically.

[yellowmaverick]

I'm quite capable of being single and independent. It just creates this horrible empty feeling inside. He's my friend. I enjoy my time with him. He meets several needs that have been severely neglected for quite some time. There is gain for me in this relationship, too. The goal is net happiness, and I have that.

 

WF - There are healthier ways to alleviate the "horrible empty feeling inside". I get that you think you have an incredible "connection", but you are capable of getting that connection with someone who is AVAILABLE and willing to commit to you completely.

 

And isn't the goal really honest-real-happiness-that-doesn't-hurt-so-much-that-i-have-to-talk-about-my-"relationship-with-strangers-on-a-forum? You've kissed enough toads - get yourself a prince!!

[wrinkledforhead]

What a waste of time. This poor woman could be a week into trying to heal, instead she is just dangling.

 

There is a guy in the other forum who walked in on his Fiance cheating on him. She did not notice him, and he walked out, and mulled over for a few days on what exactly to do. And then he did the funniest thing: He broke up with her. Clean cut, just like that. And she lived with him. He did it with so much dignity and grace, it was nothing short of admirable. Anyway, the way he handled his situation vs. how your MM and you are handling yours is a sharp contrast. It doesn't matter whether your MM has been with her for 5 months, 5 years, 15 years, what matters is that he knows he can no longer be with her; and yet he continues with this this slow, excruciating break up, which is really an extremely hurtful thing for him to do to her. You are too wrapped up in your own feelings and his word being from God to see otherwise. I hate using the word coward. It gets thrown around here a lot. And I really thought when you first posted that he would be different. But I see that he is as much a coward as the other MM, maybe even worse in a way. And you condone it. Shameful on both of your parts.

 

He just needs to end it. He doesn't need to be ending it. They have no children, no finances, no homes together. This is as clean cut as it gets. Yes, it is a painful thing, but it is a lot kinder than what he is doing now.

 

I agree. I suppose I do condone it with my actions. Far from it with my words to him.

[Quiet Storm]

Oh goodness. We don't only talk about his issues, or mine. Not even close. We discuss many, many things. Yesterday we spoke on various economies in different countries, my school, parenting... And that is only one convo.

 

I guess based on the way you see it, I could be a cake eater. I actually don't enjoy cake, though. I'm not afraid of losing him. I'm quite capable of being single and independent. It just creates this horrible empty feeling inside. He's my friend. I enjoy my time with him. He meets several needs that have been severely neglected for quite some time. There is gain for me in this relationship, too. The goal is net happiness, and I have that.

 

You are settling because you don't think you can do better. Your needs have been neglected, so his crumbs are filling up your emptiness like a satisfying meal.

 

Cheaters look for vulnerable women, and single moms are often easy targets. All it takes is attention and kind words.

 

 

You say you are ok with being alone, but hate the empty feeling you have without him. Thats so sad, wrinkled. You have awesome kids, goals and a seemingly full life- and yet still have an emptiness. This is your issue- the emptiness and unmet needs.

 

There are decent single men with good character that will date single moms. You don't have to settle for this. This "net happiness" is your rationalization for tolerating whatever he decides to dish out. I don't think you love him as man and as a person. You love the feelings he inspires in you. He senses what you need and delivers, but its all designed to meet his own agenda. This man does not have your best interests at heart.

 

This is not a good guy and you should seriously consider the impact this man will have on your kids lives. You are overlooking serious character flaws in order to fill up your empty soul. You and your kids deserve better.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree. I suppose I do condone it with my actions. Far from it with my words to him.

 

Many men let a woman's words go in one ear and out the other. They view the words as b!tchin and complaining and tell themselves, if she didnt like it, she would leave.

 

Some men even blame ow for believing him and having faith in him. What did you expect? Is a common question he asks ow when it finally becomes clear to ow that he's not leaving. They look for ow that will believe his lying words, and then lose respect for the ow when the ow continues to have faith in him.

 

When you tolerate something, despite protesting and telling him how unfair it is, it sends the message that you don't value yourself.

 

You are in essense saying with your actions, I hate that you have a girlfriend but will tolerate it because you make me feel so good. Your attention and words are so valuable to me that i will accept this.

 

He senses this and has no real urgency to end his relationship because he can have both of you.

[SoleMate]

I suppose I do condone [MM's cowardly cake-eating, lies, and manipulation of his 15-yr GF] with my actions. Far from it with my words to him.

Bless you for the clarity and strength it took to see and admit your condonation. BTW, I always advise people on Loveshack to look at ACTIONS, not words, because words are easy to fake and be false and deceptive (even self-deceptive). ACTIONS show us all, what everyone else's reality and real feelings and intentions are.

 

So, leave all the words aside. A faithful, committed man tells the world the ONE woman he's with just by being with her any only her. He doesn't lie to two women, or sleep with two women, or lead two women on to think they each have a chance for a future if they can only step up their game and be more "patient" (you) or "sexually adventurous" (her) or "understanding" (both of you).

[2sunny]

By staying with him - it is sending him a message that this is ok, it's enough that he talks about leaving but doesn't actually leave.

 

And discussing everything under the sun - he gets the message that everything is ok with the way things are.

 

When he discusses "world problems" and you talk like nothing is bothering this R - he is distracting you. IF you answered everything with "your a cheater who's using two women" and I'm finished with you - he'd get the message you are hurt and mad that his actions don't match his words.

 

But because you play nice by having "other" conversations - you go along with his brand of manipulation and living more lies.

 

Let me ask you...did he go to her on Fri and Sat like "normal"? Is he still participating in his usual schedule? If so, he isn't planning to change a thing!

 

He talks of other things to AVOID talking about this conflict.

 

 

And conflict avoiders are just...cowards.

 

But you can only blame yourself by being his victim. By not ending this - he's using you - and you're saying it's ok by not ending it.

Edited September 9, 2013 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Your ACTIONS state that you condone this - because you haven't ended it!

 

He's STILL with her - nothing has changed - and yet YOU aren't taking the action that makes it clear to him that TWO women to suit HIS needs is not ok!

 

So, your actions tell him it's ok to leave it "as is".

[Anna-Belle]

Your ACTIONS state that you condone this - because you haven't ended it!

 

He's STILL with her - nothing has changed - and yet YOU aren't taking the action that makes it clear to him that TWO women to suit HIS needs is not ok!

 

So, your actions tell him it's ok to leave it "as is".

 

Why should she end it now when she was okay being the OW earlier? He tries to fix it, doesn't succeed and immediately she should end it?

[xxoo]

I agree. I suppose I do condone it with my actions. Far from it with my words to him.

 

As we all know, our actions are more meaningful than our words.

[Mount]

I have to agree with this too. If OP acknowledges that it is ok or she is fine with being this man's another woman, what is wrong with this? Why so many other posters advocate with so much engergy, aren't un-necessary or useless anway.

 

The only thing is that OP in her mind knows her destiny, even though she opened the poster saying the man is leaving current relationship with previous woman, but in the end, nothing will change.

 

So just get over with and get on life.

 

Why should she end it now when she was okay being the OW earlier? He tries to fix it, doesn't succeed and immediately she should end it?

[velvette]

Why should she end it now when she was okay being the OW earlier? He tries to fix it, doesn't succeed and immediately she should end it?

 

Because it doesn't seem like she is ok with being the OW and most of us know there is no such thing as "trying" to break up. You either break up or you don't. He apparently hasn't when he told her he would.

 

If she's ok being OW, I agree no problem here because she will likely be the OW forever. He's already going on 3 weeks from the time he decided to break up. Very strange for people not even living together.

[Quiet Storm]

Why should she end it now when she was okay being the OW earlier? He tries to fix it, doesn't succeed and immediately she should end it?

 

 

She says she is not OK with being the OW- so regardless of whether she accepted it at one point, she says she is not willing to continue being the OW. Although her actions are showing that she is willing to tolerate it.

 

This is not the usual situation where the MM is married and multiple steps must be taken to end the marriage.

 

This MM is not married. He is not even living with his girlfriend.

 

He doesn't have to find alternate living arrangements. He doesn't have to contact a lawyer. He doesn't have to consider his finances. He doesn't have to tell the children. He doesn't have to buy dishes & furniture.

 

All he has to do is tell his girlfriend that he doesn't want to be with her anymore. One conversation. That's it.

 

The fact that he can't even manage to have an honest conversation with the woman he has been with for 15 years shows that he is either a conflict avoidant coward with serious issues, or he is lying and has no intention of breaking up with his girlfriend.

 

He doesn't even have to deal with common MM fears: losing his money, changing his lifestyle or having less time with his kids.

 

The only legitimate concern that I can see is that he fears the reaction of his GF. He doesn't want to hurt her. Not because he doesn't really want to hurt her (or he wouldn't be cheating)- but because her reaction will make him uncomfortable.

 

If he can't even build up the courage to inform his GF of his decision...that's indiciative of a person with serious issues that would not be a good candidate to be a partner in a relationship.

 

His reluctance to finalize his decision to leave the GF shows that his feelings of fear & discomfort are more important to him than the feelings of confusion and pain that BOTH women are feeling right now.

 

He will put Wrinkled and his GF through days, weeks, months of agony, confusion and pain because he can't deal with confrontation or discomfort. It's selfish and says a lot about the kind of man he is.

Edited September 9, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Correct, OP was the one that said she was not ok being an OW. She was the one who indicated she did not want to be known as the home wrecker.

 

If she was/is ok with being the OW she would have received different responses.