Got dumped out of the blue, do I stand a chance to get her back? [update]

[bubbaganoosh]

Lt Army Guy 123.

 

I just read you new information post and I hope you re read what you wrote and process it. What you described was a very immature woman who has very selfish tendencies and is not a honest person. Basically she lied to you about her feelings for the other guy.

 

Now to make matters worse, and this is where you got your butt in the sling, you let her get away with it. It was a huge mistake by not standing up and telling her that keeping in contact is making you feel really bad and when you did she flat out disrespected you by continuing to text him. Right then and there it should have told you that she is not trustworthy.

 

She did this because she knew your a nice guy and was willing to look the other way while she has her cake and eats it. That is not a quality woman. Bet you anything that if you did to her what she did to you, she would have handed you your walking papers.

 

Right now what she's doing is waiting to see if you contact her. She knows how to push your buttons and if your smart you won't let her. There is no way I would believe that you would want to settle for someone that has no respect for anyone but herself.

 

If your smart, when you leave for those 16 weeks, don't tell her and if you contact her, I promise you that she has enough moxie to gloss this over and she will convince you that your wrong. What does your gut tell you? Right now it's telling you that your starting to see through her little act. Don't get pulled back in. Very soon your going to have enough on your plate and you'll need a clear head. Take care.

[Armyguy123]

Haha its 15-18 months buddy. not weeks. And yea I told her flat out I didn't appreciate that sh** at all. She stopped and I saw her delete his number in front of me, and begged me not to dump her. So I'm not really worried about him. She's immature and confused and the more I think about it the better I feel. Sometimes I regress sometimes I don't but right now the six pack I drank after work is telling me I'm doing just fine haha, and that its her loss and I'm gonna do big things and she'll regret it and end up settling for someone below average once she stops playing her game of being confused about what she wants.

 

To my Army brothers on here, thanks for the support. A soldier needs a woman who's not gonna desert him if he has to go on a deployment or extended training, that s*** is a NO GO, send her a** back for retraining.

[BarOfButter]

That's right, she's a blue falcon and there's no use for them!

 

But really, be very careful if looking for love on TDY. Some local women near the base know your benefits and LES way better than you do and will get with you for your money. If they already know terms like FRG and DEERS, then RUN!

 

My ex was the same, she wanted to go off and chase other guys and blamed it on being confused or distracted but if I did the same, she'd go ape nuts and leave me. Then she blames me for not wanting her enough by not showing her how jealous I was when she wanted to get with other guys.

 

The chaplain and many people here on LS told me this, and the same probably applies to you too: you dodged a bullet by not getting more involved and ending up marrying her. Things would have been worse and you'd be stuck. And she'd be sucking up your BAH.

 

There are women out there who will treat us a lot better and like human beings, she doesn't deserve you or your thoughts. Keep up your NC and reward yourself for mile stones!

Edited September 12, 2013 by BarOfButter

[Armyguy123]

Its been 2 weeks of nc and she hasn't broke it either. I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo I don't know if I want her back or not anymore. I still miss her a lot though. I am really busy and don't really have time to meet other woman so that doesn't help. I think a cute girl showing interest in me would help at this point. I just feel lonely graduating college and losing all my college friends, being at home before I leave for flight school, and not have the time to make new friends. This in combination of losing the EX has really got me down. I know it'll pass I just don't feel like my usual highly energetic and sociable self anymore.

[hurts2death]

i feel worse so just take time...

 

we are men

[Armyguy123]

My hope is slowly dwindling and I don't even know how'd I react if she contacted me again. I feel way more mature than my age due to being in the military. But, I feel girls at my age just want to date for "fun" and don't have any expectations of going places.

 

I want a girl who's in between that "fun" stage and wanting a serious relationship. I get too attached to girls I'm attracted to and have always had a difficult time when our flings or relationships end. This one ending being my longest and most serious relationship.

 

There will probably be a soft spot in my heart whenever I think of her or someone asks about her. I think in time it will just become less painful. If its meant to be, we'll be reunited some how. (I like to think this, but I mostly think that kind of thinking is BS)

[bubbaganoosh]

If by chance you meet that cute little girl while training, being away from friends and family, your going to feel lonely and that's natural that you do. That's when a guy gets in over his head because he checks the girl out from the neck down. That's natural too. If it happens that you meet someone, open your ears and listen to what she has to say, somewhere along the line you can find out what type of person she is. We all tip our hand at one point and then you'll know if she's for real or a loser out to fill her plate at your expense. You already got caught up with someone who couldn't be honest so you can use that as a learning experience. The trick is not to make the same mistake again.

[Armyguy123]

So today was pretty hectic. I work in my new Civilian side job in DC, which was 1 mile from the shooting. I don't want to say where or talk about the shooting. I am safe and it did not affect me.

 

So my ex decides to contact me to see if I'm ok. And she was really relieved to see I was fine. Afterwards we started talking and it was like it was normal. It seemed like a lot of tension was gone. But in the end I am not going to get what i want. Which is the relationship back. She was really happy to hear from me because she hasn't hear from me in 2 weeks bc of NC. She says that we have too much in common to not be friends. I was like uh duh that's why we should be more than friends. (didn't say that though) I was proud of myself for being calm and collected and didn't talk about the relationship or anything. I'm afraid that since a lot of tension is gone we are able to talk normally and civilly, and its giving me renewed false hope that I have to combat.

 

BUT

 

I'm thinking about going NC again now.

 

BC of

 

A. She will start to miss talking to me because I could tell she enjoyed talking to me more than I did to her. She randomly made a point to tell me she hasn't talked to any guys or even seen any. I didn't even inquire. And if she truly wants to talk to me I should make her work for it. And now that she has opened communication with me I have the choice to not respond and be limited in response, regaining some power and dignity.

 

or

 

B. Go NC because I will not gain what I want from continued contact from her when I still have unresolved feelings and she gets the friendship, comfort, and ability to talk to me when its convenient to her not me.

 

Both options seem like good reasons to go NC. I felt obligated to respond to her due to the sensitive nature of the tragedies today.

 

but now my brain and heart are a bit confused again.

 

S***

Edited September 17, 2013 by Armyguy123

[bubbaganoosh]

Go with "B"

[Armyguy123]

OH NO! I have Army training starting Saturday, at my post near her house. I will be travelling there tomorrow and staying at a hotel in the evening. She has requested to come hang out with me. I don't know what to expect. I haven't seen her in 5 weeks and I hope I can handle it.

 

I don't think I have the will to refuse her company as I want to see what happens. I am going in with zero expectations of anything changing, set some boundaries, and will not mention the breakup.

 

I'm curious as to how she will react in seeing me. I have lost some weight, replaced with very noticeable muscle tone, and the time separated might help ignite a small spark. But again, I'm not counting on it happening.

 

I will suppress my feelings for her as they have dwindled a bit. But, part of me is afraid they will come rushing back when I see her.

 

Sorry bubbaganoosh if I'm back here in hindsight soon, I'll chalk it up as being young and naive. Wish me luck on my possible "suicide" mission.

[Armyguy123]

Update:

 

Saw her and it was really nice to see her. She said she was uncontrollably attracted to me, and that she was struggling not to seduce me. I resisted for as long as I could and I eventually gave in. It was great. She said she couldn't control herself.

 

BUT!

 

she stood by her decision and I am back to where I started. However I am not dealing with any pain because I didn't lose her, because I already did. She has been texting me a lot now, and saying how much she fantasizes about our encounter and says "she only wants to be with one man" (me)....in bed. GD! I think she is only physically attracted to me right now. I don't want her to be able to have all the physical aspects of the relationship without the commitment which is bullllllllsh*******.

 

For now I will keep my guard up to her, and my guard down to other cute chicks.

 

It sucks that I still I have lingering feelings for her.

[NGC1300]

I agree it's the strangest thing ever, someone you KNOW cares about you ALOT and yet breaks up with you?!

 

The only answer, love is not enough to keep 2 people together.

 

Don't believe the lies when they say they still love you. It's nothing more than a euphemism for "see ya later loser".

[bubbaganoosh]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Now you see what's going on. Now you see that she's using you and then when it's over, you go back in the drawer until she need you again.

 

Don't feel too bad. I made the same mistake with the girl fro forty plus years ago. She used sex to try to lure me back in the trap an I damn near fell for it. My oldest sister found out I spent the night with her and she went ballistic on me. She told me that she could use that as "reconciliation" because I had already hired a lawyer and started the process of divorce.

 

So now you know where you stand. You get it out of your system yet? Chalk it up as a learning experience and don't make the same mistake again. If she contacts you again and if you MUST speak to her. Tell her that she's toying with you and it's not appreciated and it's over. If not it's only going to get worse.

[Romaks]

I'm going through something very similar and I wholeheartedly feel your pain.

 

As I understand, women are very passionate and impulsive beings, and they tend to regret their actions once they have PLENTY of space and a certain amount of disconnect from the situation. I'm not saying anything definitively, but you should keep NC to allow her the freedom of getting situated at work and getting all of that figured out before you guys continue. If she really really wants you in her life, what's to stop her from calling you after she has realized what she's done? This is also my hope, but you still have to move on and put effort into whatever you're doing and keep your chin up, man.

 

My situation is very similar, but the problem is college.

[cereal_dater]

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but whenever Women dump you out of thin air, there is almost always another guy in the picture. They almost never make a clean break from a relationship until there is backup c0ck waiting.

 

Reading through your posts, I suspected this was the case, and after the recent post about the ex-boyfriend.. I can tell you without a doubt 100% he's behind this.

 

For all of us men who have ever dumped our girlfriends before, it being such an ego blow to them, and with female mentality of wanting what they can't have, most can lay testament that they'll come running back to the man who dumps them.

 

You sound like a really nice guy.. the guy that on paper all women should want.. but for many reasons that make no logical sense.. they are attracted to the guys who dump them, cheat on them, abuse them, etc.

 

Want her back? Indifference is key. The less it appears you care, the better. It will make her hamster wheel spin, and fast. Why doesn't he care? Did he meet someone new? Did I do the right thing? Might be too late at this point. I know moving on isn't as easy as "Just don't talk or think about her".. but seriously, remove anything that reminds you of her from your life. Take up a new hobby. Meet new friends. Ironically.. the process of moving on is what attracts them back to you.

 

I'm getting over a 2 year relationship.. it sucks.. she's even on POF now.. but everytime I think of her I tell myself "**** that bytch" and remember all the crap she put me through. It's working well so far ;D

Edited September 25, 2013 by cereal_dater

[Armyguy123]

She admitted to me that she is interested in me again and that it happened on accident upon seeing me. She said it didn't even cross her mind before she saw me. She now is going through conflict of knowing if she wants to be with me or remain single. She is confiding in me and everyday and talking to me more. She said I blew all her doubts about me out of the water and found my maturity and confidence "irresistible".

 

I don't k ow exactly what it means but I am not initiating any contact and will keep my guard up until I hear explicitly I want to be with you I am sorry. No if ands or buts. Even then I'd be careful. Starting my army career and other job in DC has allowed me to build my confidence up and stay busy.

 

Just have to be patient and cautious.

Edited September 27, 2013 by Armyguy123

[lindsay1990]

She said herself she is conflicted. As a matter of strategy and for your peace of mind/heart, I would say that the seed is planted and you should go NC for a few weeks to see if she backs up what she said. If she's going to change her mind, it's going to be because of her, you shouldn't have to say or prove anything further. Now is the time to leave her alone to her thoughts and her feelings.

 

Just because she is conflicted doesn't mean you have to suffer the stress of her process while she makes up her mind (or not). No contact all the way.

[Armyguy123]

Could also just all be BS and an excuse to get a good lay once a month. Her contact is sporadic and unpredictable. Kind of pisses me off of having one foot in the door. She doesn't know what she wants and I do.

 

She got really jealous when she asked if I had been with any other women and I said yes. She then got upset as well and said the thought of me kissing other woman makes her uncomfortable. This crap is stupid.

[Armyguy123]

UPDATE:

 

So I've been talking to her off and on. When I ignore her she comes back wanting to talk, then when we start to talk she distances herself. I'm close to the point of getting pissed off and giving up. She says she wants to talk because "I'm like her best friend" I'm not going to be friend zoned. She also keeps texting me sexual things and then says oh I'm sorry I shouldn't do this but I can't stop thinking how hot the last time we had sex was. I want to say you are literally crazy. I think shes selfish, immature, and confused. I'm gonna try to go no contact again. Im getting pretty bad at this no contact thing haha.

[GTNBTTR]

I can tell you that she's not done. She is giving you just enough to keep you holding on. she wants to keep you right where she wants you while she figures out if you are what she wants for the long run or not. I do think that she is only attracted to you and only has sexual feelings for you that's not the problem. The issue is that she is questioning if she wants to be with you or move on. You want her to make her mind up quick? Move on yourself or at least give her the thought that you are. Go out with friends, pick up that hobby you're missing out on because of her, hang out with girls, etc. The one thing I would not if you're still stuck on her is to have sex with another girl. If you do this that might be a deal breaker for her.

 

When she sees that you are walking away she will chase after you. This is because women want what they cannot have. You're are walking away on your terms and not hers and she just won't have that. In her mind if you walk away it will be when she's ready for you to. If you use this approach NC is very important, and do not contact her if she tries to talk to you. She will have a melt down when she comes back. Your phone will have a million text messages, she might show up at your house, you'll get this biggest apology you ever have from her.

[Armyguy123]

Been ignoring her for a few days. Got a text this morning at 530am saying she was dreaming about me. I ignored it and went to work all day. I don't know what thr hell she wants but I'm just gonna keep ignoring I'm on a roll so far.

[Armyguy123]

She wants to hang out again next time I have my Army drill. (too bad its cancelled due to the shutdown, and haven't told her that yet)

 

She says;

 

1."uuughhhh I don't want to hang out with all these girls."

2. "I wish you were here this weekend I want to hang out with you.

3. "Want to go see a movie, I'd really like that"

4. "I got too clingy in the relationship its not your fault."

5. "I'm not good at relationships."

6. "I feel like its unhealthy that in our relationship I only wanted to hang out with you."

 

What the hell does she want and any of this mean? According the the guide any signals from an ex that are not I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER, should be regarded as BS.

 

I've been ignoring her for the past few days and actually had a good time out with 5 of my other girlfriends (friends that are girls). What makes me mad is that I'm still feeling for my ex and some of these girls are much more attractive than her.

[Turnandcough]

She wants to hang out again next time I have my Army drill. (too bad its cancelled due to the shutdown, and haven't told her that yet)

 

She says;

 

1."uuughhhh I don't want to hang out with all these girls."

2. "I wish you were here this weekend I want to hang out with you.

3. "Want to go see a movie, I'd really like that"

4. "I got too clingy in the relationship its not your fault."

5. "I'm not good at relationships."

6. "I feel like its unhealthy that in our relationship I only wanted to hang out with you."

 

What the hell does she want and any of this mean? According the the guide any signals from an ex that are not I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER, should be regarded as BS.

 

I've been ignoring her for the past few days and actually had a good time out with 5 of my other girlfriends (friends that are girls). What makes me mad is that I'm still feeling for my ex and some of these girls are much more attractive than her.

 

Alright dude, I've read your thread for awhile and I understand why your putting yourself through this push/pull nonsense. This is exactly what you say to this girl. Instead of giving her this little but of power she has over you, you send one last message. "Please don't contact me if your not 100% sure you want to try as work things out with us. I need to focus on myself." Either that or just go straight NC again. Stop letting her play you! If she wants another chance she will have to not only prove it but she will make that damn clear. What your doing now isn't working. Go dark on her and be a guy she has to chase. I promise he will freak if you do.

[alex007]

Hey ArmyGuy shoot me an E-mail. I have two relationship storys that are very similar to yours. I have kinda been through all of this a few times man. [email protected] shoot me an E-mail I think it would be good for us to talk.

[rainforest4172]

Ok, I read you post and you are a good writer!

Here is what I think: I'm in my forties now and divorced. I was once like this girl you describe; I dumped people out of the blue. When I look back to why I did this, it stems from insecurity and feeling afraid of the world. It was also because I did not know myself, and was looking for qualities in the perfect person; No one was ever good enough. I then went on to marry a guy that was super "macho" and told me he'd fight people for me...that was not good either. It was not until I found who I was in this world that I got clear answers; Now, I am so happy alone.

 

You do not sound lost. You sound as you are a good guy with a good head on his shoulders. You sound reasonable, logical and of sound mind. It sounds like you thought you had a really good friend and lover, and that you liked the way both of those roles were played out to you. You sound like you had a "plan" for you too in your head.

 

She didn't have a plan at all. I know this well. She was just thinking about how she felt each minute, and I can guarantee that she is going to seriously regret her decision. THe sad thing is that she won't regret it until you are way down the road, probably married to someone else. She also sounds superficial; you liked how much fun you had together, but that's all the deeper she is: She doesn't have more to offer you than that.

 

Your military comparison is profound; Think about how hard you have to be in your profession, and then think of this girl. They don't compare. You deserve someone who is much more in tune with themselves, and deeper than this. You also deserve someone who can look at you not just for who you are romantically, but also who you are as a friend.

 

She had that chance, and blew it; not because she wanted to...but because she only knew how to perceive you in one way. This is not love. Love is full of life and vice versa. Love means not only flowers and happy times, but also tears, and dealing with stress and anxiety; I don't think this is the right person for such a good guy like you.

 

Choose wisely and it'll all work out