JDPT Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'm really not sure what's going on with me lately, I reallydon't know. I keep doing this to myself. Am I missing her? am I finallyrealizing what I lost? am I experiencing anxiety for the first time in my lifeyet I refuse to accept it? or perhaps I chose to indulge and ruminate on thepast and the many "wonderful" moments we lived. I lost count already,did she dump me 3.5 or 4 or perhaps 5 months ago? I'm not sure anymore. WhatI'm sure is that I feel as if I wasted 4 years of my life with her. I went outon a "date" last night and decided to meet with a woman I met alittle while ago at a restaurant near from where my ex lives. Needless to say,there was not one part of me that was interested in her albeit she wasphysically attractive but her demeanor just destroyed her looks. My mind waselsewhere, I was not engaged at all and had to try VERY hard to appear to lookinterested in whatever she was saying, which was essentially went in one ear and out the other. I immediately understood how self centered this woman wasyet understood that, that was perhaps just the way she is and tried not tocompare her to my ex as my ex is/was the complete opposite. No, I will not gointo detail as to how "perfect" I thought my ex was/is but going outon that "date" was just another confirmation and realization thatwhat I lost was possibly a bit more suitable for me. Later on I tried to calmmyself by telling me that this woman I went out on a date with was just aterrible match for me. And with this experience I've learned to stay away fromdates but not shy away from female companionship. And we have reached the point where my night gets"better". As I sat in my caroutside of the restaurant all I kept thinking about was my ex. I kept askingmyself, "how did I get here? I went from having the world at the palm ofmy hand to sitting here in my car all by myself..." I started to uncontrollablymiss her and against my better judgment turned my car on and headed to herhome. I drove by her home, saw her car on her driveway and that was that. Whythe F would you do that, you may ask? Well I think after all this time I'vemanage to come up with an answer. I need to know if she is out dating orperhaps having casual encounters as she used to before me. Why do I want toknow this? that I don't know yet. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment and willlike to see her either get picked up by a guy taken out on a date and later on...well you know. I just don't understand why I'm willing to inflict this pain anddiscomfort in me upon discovering what I've been looking for. Am I dilutingmyself subconsciously ? and perhaps thinking ok, If I do confirm thesefictitious thoughts I generate in my head that it will then be over for goodwhen it reality it has been over for good for quite some time. I feel weak, powerless and conflicted that I just can't getit right. I just don't understand why I keep doing this to myself and I'mexhausted of living a lie. I can say this with all confidence that she wouldnever dare do what I've done. She would never drive by my house to see if I'maround. She has way too much pride and dignity to do that. I feel as if I'mstuck in time and it surprisingly does not bother me that she is perhaps outand enjoying life and dealing with this breakup much better than I am. I'velearned to not compare myself to how I may believe she is dealing with this butrather focus on what I can do to crawl out of this hole and stay away from itfor good. I still have not learned how to not worry or be concerned with whatshe is up to. How do I put this behind me for good, I thought I knew and had itdown pat but apparently I still don't. And I know this will be a long road andI try not be beat myself over the mistakes I make but rather learn from thembut I think I need to reach a point and understand that enough is enough andthat I need to take charge of my life once again. So what do you guys think?Let me have it, I'm ready to hear the good the bad and the ugly. And ready tohave some sense knocked into me.
Riou Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 This is so messy to read.Anyway what's done is done,just keep NC from now. Take care.
Neall Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Hello JDPT. I'm new in this forum, and i read everything you said. First i wanna say you something, you are not alone! Im facing myself the same thing maybe with some differences, but atleast, you know how much you loved her. That's a human thing we love each other, and you must now NOT blame yourself right now. Don't feel bad, and let me tell you one thing. You went on a date with a girl, but that girl wasn't interesting, well don't give up, atleast you are trying! That's really important. And you will not find people that you like at the first time... Try more, meet more, you know that everyone is different, try to find more dates. Most important is, try to understand the person next to you, and she will understand you. If you like her enough cool! Friends! If both start to enjoy each other, well why not anything more than friends? I see that you are really trying and feeling lost, but hey, you loved that girl, you really loved her. Give it time, and try again to meet new girls, hang out with some friends, and let me say that you will find one person that you will like, that you will understand, and that later, you will love again! I hope my words help you, and remember you are not alone on this, and you can get ahead of this! 1
Jenny1234 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You're only human! I find going on dates sets me back to...just when I think I'm ready I sit across from someone and hear nothing they're saying and makes me wish my ex was sitting there. I've gone out a few with this one guy who is great but when he even remotely touches my arm or back I squirm. The thought of kissing him makes me want to puke. I'm pretty he thinks im crazy. But hey who can't use another friend. One statement that drives me insane..."oh he will never find anyone to put up with his crap or as good as you" Yes he will...all of my past exes married the person they dated right after me..all 3 of my serious ones.....granted I smarter, prettier and funnier then all these girls....they all found someone and jokes on me...single again....only time before my last one runs down the isle with the next thing that comes along and I'll be watching from the sidelines 2
Author JDPT Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Hello JDPT. I'm new in this forum, and i read everything you said. First i wanna say you something, you are not alone! Im facing myself the same thing maybe with some differences, but atleast, you know how much you loved her. That's a human thing we love each other, and you must now NOT blame yourself right now. Don't feel bad, and let me tell you one thing. You went on a date with a girl, but that girl wasn't interesting, well don't give up, atleast you are trying! That's really important. And you will not find people that you like at the first time... Try more, meet more, you know that everyone is different, try to find more dates. Most important is, try to understand the person next to you, and she will understand you. If you like her enough cool! Friends! If both start to enjoy each other, well why not anything more than friends? I see that you are really trying and feeling lost, but hey, you loved that girl, you really loved her. Give it time, and try again to meet new girls, hang out with some friends, and let me say that you will find one person that you will like, that you will understand, and that later, you will love again! I hope my words help you, and remember you are not alone on this, and you can get ahead of this! I feel very lost indeed. I quiet honestly I though I had a very good grip on this and was amazed at how much progress I was making in such a short time period. I need to refrain myself from actual "dates" and simply go out with the mentality of seeking friendship and nothing more. Thank you for your words they do mean a lot to me specially in times of distress.
Author JDPT Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 You're only human! I find going on dates sets me back to...just when I think I'm ready I sit across from someone and hear nothing they're saying and makes me wish my ex was sitting there. I've gone out a few with this one guy who is great but when he even remotely touches my arm or back I squirm. The thought of kissing him makes me want to puke. I'm pretty he thinks im crazy. But hey who can't use another friend. One statement that drives me insane..."oh he will never find anyone to put up with his crap or as good as you" Yes he will...all of my past exes married the person they dated right after me..all 3 of my serious ones.....granted I smarter, prettier and funnier then all these girls....they all found someone and jokes on me...single again....only time before my last one runs down the isle with the next thing that comes along and I'll be watching from the sidelines Dates are definitely a bad idea for me as well. They suck me in like vortex to a very bad place. It's not fair for me to go out and not be myself. I feel like a zombie and it takes so much to simply focus on what I'm saying or doing, last night was pretty bad. Then I think back of how comfortable everything was with my ex, it was as if I didn't need to think twice about things, it was always magical. I just like you can't bring myself to make a move or reciprocate to perhaps a flirt or comment from someone who may appear to be interested in you. This is something I never had an issue with. Prior to my ex I would go out sometimes by myself, have a blast, pick a girl up bring her home, have a blast with her at home and then it was back to doing it all over again. However, there is definitely something to be said about have sex/making love to that one person you are so in love with and connect on a deeper level. I guess I'm looking for that, I guess I need that, sounds pretty pathetic coming from a guy's perspective. But I will like to at least live a little and go back to the person I used to be. Time and patients.
Soat Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 It's really simple. Do not date while you're still in recovery. Period. It makes things worse always 1
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 JDPT.. Please take a moment to read my thread here....and give yourself a break from the self lashing. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420656-compassion-breaking-nc 1
Author JDPT Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 JDPT.. Please take a moment to read my thread here....and give yourself a break from the self lashing. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420656-compassion-breaking-nc I really enjoyed the fire analogy. I need to apply it to my current situation as I intentionally keep burning myself and clearly have not learned yet. It's those weak moments that get the best of me, learning how to manage those in a more pragmatic manner will be conducive in the future for me. 1
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