BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I broke NC last night and I'm not judging or criticizing myself at all. I share this with the hope that others will give themselves the same gentleness and self love. Why did I do it? Oh, I have a "reason" like we all do. It doesn't really matter why, it just matters I accept it, identify it and place no hard criticism. For me, the ex broke up because I wouldn't give him the "I trust you forever" commitment. We had not been together long enough for that. He wanted full speed ahead and I couldn't deliver. Not long after, he found himself someone who, apparently, would. But, he's wanted to keep me as his friend, and a "close" friend at that. So though I wasn't rejected because I was undesirable or unwanted, it still hurt. Especially when I tried to get him back by proving I could give him what he wanted. He didn't believe me and honestly, it was the best thing for me. Because I was giving up ME to get HIM. I was desperate and no good decision is ever made in that emotional depletion. So, he has made numerous efforts to get me in his life under the friend zone. I've rejected them and he has become angry and resentful. Though I've explained several times that I have feelings for him and friendship will hurt me. He is too self-centered to understand another's feelings so I stopped trying to explain. The knowledge of all this doesn't make my emotional self understand it 24/7. So there are days, like yesterday, where I send an email. Had nothing to say about him or us, but about a personal issue with 2 other friends with whom I am ending relationships with. It was about loss, and how I am accepting loss as the will of God. He replied and I deleted it without reading. I felt fine about it and had no obsessive thoughts. Until this morning when he wrote again saying he was at the hospital, his mother was having her cancer surgery today. Then he added "Have a great day". Ha, poor guy. he sent that as a way to seek attention and sympathy. Not overtly manipulative, just fear based manipulation. I knew what he was doing and I knew I had a choice to reply or not. I chose to send a prayer and good wishes. He replied with a simple thank you and that was it. So, was it a good idea to contact him? No. Because it led to the morning message that affected me and caused this day to become obsessive. I got close to the fire and though I didn't get burned, it got real hot for me. But I am not flogging myself because I know this is what I do when I am in fear and pain. I've prayed and ask to be relieved of the bondage of me, and my expectations. I took the action (emailing) and now I get to experience the consequences obsessing). I accept that I am imperfect and do this detaching on a 24 hr basis ONLY. I don't seek to accumulate dozens and dozens of NC days. I just shoot for today and then say thanks when I've made it through. Be gentle with yourselves, my friends. This too shall pass. 4
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