6 years and still no commitment :(

[cossie13]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here. It seemed like the right place for me to come for a bit of advice.

 

Me & my partner have been together 6 years this November - I'm 24, he's 30. We own our own house and have done for the last 4 years. We do ok. We're not well off but we aren't completely skint either! My issue is whether he wants to commit or not. You would think that 6 years together and a mortgage would make alarm bells start ringing to maybe get married or have children. I'm ready and I have told him this. But whenever the subject comes up he gets all sad and/or defensive about it. He has come up with that he wants to be financially well off, that it's scary and that he doesn't want to rush it. I get all of that - I do understand. But I'm getting tired of waiting. About a month ago, I proposed to him - Twice. The first time he said he was the traditional kind and that if we were going to get engaged he would be the one to ask. The second time he started crying and said he didn't know how he felt (which obviously hurt - a lot)

 

I've let it drop for now because I don't know what to do. I feel like we are falling apart. Like he's with me so he's not alone. On top of all that, I'm sure his parents don't think I'm good enough for him. They've helped us a lot over the last few years and I'm grateful for everything - but I just can't shake the feeling that they feel they have got to help to stop me taking him away from them.

 

I just need some advice. So we call it quits now and save any future heart ache? Or do we push through and try to make things work?

 

Sorry for rambling!!! Not what I would usually do as a newbie!!

 

Thanks guys x

[Philosoraptor]

Would you stay with him forever without marraige or children? If not, you need to figure out what exactly your timeline is. If money is the issue, would you be comfortable having a cheap wedding or eloping? If so, bring that up to ease his issues.

 

Honestly though, his "not knowing how he feels" is the greater issue. You also feel like he's staying with you out of loneliness. Personally, that would be enough for me to leave. No reason wasting your time and effort on "ok" when you can heal up and move on to someone who happily wants to commit to you.

 

Sucks with the mortgage though. I had this situation myself and took a few months to get the paperwork together. But if you want to leave, you'll find the motivation to take care of all this as well.

[Maleficent]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here. It seemed like the right place for me to come for a bit of advice.

 

Me & my partner have been together 6 years this November - I'm 24, he's 30. We own our own house and have done for the last 4 years. We do ok. We're not well off but we aren't completely skint either! My issue is whether he wants to commit or not. You would think that 6 years together and a mortgage would make alarm bells start ringing to maybe get married or have children. I'm ready and I have told him this. But whenever the subject comes up he gets all sad and/or defensive about it. He has come up with that he wants to be financially well off, that it's scary and that he doesn't want to rush it. I get all of that - I do understand. But I'm getting tired of waiting. About a month ago, I proposed to him - Twice. The first time he said he was the traditional kind and that if we were going to get engaged he would be the one to ask. The second time he started crying and said he didn't know how he felt (which obviously hurt - a lot)

 

I've let it drop for now because I don't know what to do. I feel like we are falling apart. Like he's with me so he's not alone. On top of all that, I'm sure his parents don't think I'm good enough for him. They've helped us a lot over the last few years and I'm grateful for everything - but I just can't shake the feeling that they feel they have got to help to stop me taking him away from them.

 

I just need some advice. So we call it quits now and save any future heart ache? Or do we push through and try to make things work?

 

Sorry for rambling!!! Not what I would usually do as a newbie!!

 

Thanks guys x

 

 

If he's not ready to have children you'll have to respect that. You are 24 and still have plen-ty of time to procreate, trust me.

 

I think you have a lot of insecurities you need to deal with.

 

You have a man, who bought a house with you and stuck by you for 6 years. If you willing to let this go just because he is not ready for marriage or children and you are, do him a favor and let him find a woman who will care about his feelings.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but I don't see what is so depressing about owning a house with your partner of the last 6 years.

 

Also, nowadays, marriage is pretty much just a big party, princess dress and a fancy ring.

[hotpotato]

What does he gain by marrying you? Why would he marry you? He doesn't gain much by marrying you. You are already living with him, and kids would be just another expense.

 

People will say you have plenty of time, but do you really want to wait until you are 30, 35 to start having kids? Imagine being in your 30s and being pregnant and running around after small kids.

 

It's tiring enough when you are young, what about when you are 30 or more and you have less energy? You may not even know you have fertility issues, and being older can complicate them.

 

Me personally, if he hadn't proposed after 2 or 3 years I would have hit the road.

 

I think you should do what you have to to make it work. But i think you should ponder about how long you are willing to wait. I think he's right, about proposal-he should do it.

[clia]

You need to decide how important marriage is to you and how many more years you are willing to potentially waste with a guy who may not want a future with you. Given how long you've been together, the fact that you own a house, and his age, alarm bells should certainly be going off for you. He's certainly having doubts, and like hotpotato said, he has nothing to gain by marrying you. He's got it all now -- he gets to share the mortgage, sleep with you, and I'm sure you do a lot of other things for him as well. So what motivation does he have to enter into a contract with you for life?

 

If it were me, I would hit the road. You don't want to have to force this guy into marrying you if he "isn't sure how he feels." I would tell him that I intend to put the house up for sale, or he can buy me out. His choice. If I could financially do it, and depending on how much I put down on the house, I might even just do a quitclaim to cleanly and quickly rid myself of the house and relationship. Then I would move on to find a guy who was dying to get on his knee with a diamond ring in his hand to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him.

[Keenly]

Can you not enjoy what you already have ? You've been together for six years... is that not commitment enough ?

 

Getting married in NO way will make your relationship better. Its going to be exactly as it is right now. Plus, you are 24. There's no hurry to get married .

 

 

The guy owns a house with you. That in of itself is a pretty damn big commitment. I don't really know what more you want from this guy.

[emva07]

I think the issue here isn't getting married....the bigger issue is he said he doesn't know how he feels and there have been reasons for you to feel he's with you to not be lonely.

 

If you felt loved, and secure in the relationship, I don't think this would be such a big issue. I think you want this marriage as a way to shut up the voices in your head telling you this man isn't IN love with you (which is not the same as him loving you).

 

But what is marrying you going to do? He's still not going to be sure how he feels, you will still feel he's with you to not be lonely (people get married as a result of an ultimatum sometimes), and his family will still think you're not good enough.

Forcing him to marry you won't solve all the issues you have going on inside of you. You either accept being with someone who doesn't know how he feels about you or you walk away.

 

Marriage or no marriage, he still won't know how he feels. If in 6 years and after buying a house with you he still doesn't know how he feels......

Edited August 28, 2013 by emva07

[Woggle]

He just doesn't sound like a marriage oriented person and I doubt it will change. If that is not okay with you maybe it is time to move on.

[youngnlove89]

At least you guys live together!

 

I'm 24, my ex is 29. Been together for 2.5 years, currently broken up though. He never could make that commitment. I would have given anything just to live with him in the same house. He just bought his first home and got his first dog and he chose not to have me be a part of it.

 

I think right now, you are young and for the most part he sounds committed. He just wants to be financially stable, nothing wrong with that! I think he told you "he isn't sure what he wants anymore" because you keep bugging him about it. Let him propose to you, that's what you want. You don't want to force someone to be with you. Wait till he is ready. Be patient. I understand you have been patient for six years, but you are sooo young!

 

Relationships are commitments. And they are life long (if you want them to be). You have PLENTY of time, if you see him as the one you are going to spend your life with...you have so much time ahead of you to plan for wedding/kids when there is a better time for the both of you. You both will appreciate it more. You, knowing that he was willing and ready and him that he was financially stable.

 

Be patient dear.

[hestheone66]

i think he may be your firrst serious noyfriend. you didnt mentuon your feelings for him as a person. he also sounds luke he feels trapped. i think if he was sure you were the one then he would have made sure you kbew that. he maybe likes the idea of not being aline..and by the sounds of it neither do you. i would break up with him as it really seems the relationship has run its course. you are too young to be unhappy. if you were with the right guy for you you wouldnt be feeling this. yes the break will be hard and you will have to learn new habits but trust me...you need to seize this opportunity for personal growth. hw hasnt got the balls to end it..its much better not to be the one who gets dumped. the fact he rejected ur marriage proposal gives you the chance to move on.

[Silly_Girl]

It sounds as though you're not addressing things with him because you might hear bad news. But if you're not settled and it's eating at you, you need to talk to him. The worries won't go away.

[TiffanyT]

Girl, why are you even lowering yourself proposing to a man? If he wanted marriage, he would have obviously done it himself or said yes to your proposal.

 

Frankly I don't know what's up with the whole ''We've been living together for X years''. I can't even stand sharing my flat with another person for even a whole day, not less weeks. I like my own privacy.

[Els]

First off, I think you want to ignore the anti-marriage folks on here. They won't pass up a chance to hijack a thread with your title, trust me.

 

So... moving on to your situation. Uhhh, I'm of two minds on this. On the one hand, 6 years is a sizable amount of time; on the other hand, 24 really is very young to be marrying in today's world (not comparable to the past, when kids generally were expected to take on adult responsibilities much earlier). Have you asked yourself if you are REALLY ready to be making a lifelong commitment at 24? I mean, I'm a couple years older than you and even I am thinking it may be prudent to wait a few more years first.

 

On the other hand, his reasons. They do sound viable and legitimate on the surface (as in, he isn't just pulling excuses out of nowhere), and he does sound like he intends to propose when the time is right. But, huge but, we aren't there, we can't tell. How does he treat you? Is he trustworthy and does he keep his word in general? He claims his reasoning is 'traditional' - which makes sense, but is he also 'traditional' in other ways that don't necessarily benefit him? ie does he strike you as a genuine guy, or a cake-eater?

[happydate]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here. It seemed like the right place for me to come for a bit of advice.

 

Me & my partner have been together 6 years this November - I'm 24, he's 30. We own our own house and have done for the last 4 years. We do ok. We're not well off but we aren't completely skint either! My issue is whether he wants to commit or not. You would think that 6 years together and a mortgage would make alarm bells start ringing to maybe get married or have children. I'm ready and I have told him this. But whenever the subject comes up he gets all sad and/or defensive about it. He has come up with that he wants to be financially well off, that it's scary and that he doesn't want to rush it. I get all of that - I do understand. But I'm getting tired of waiting. About a month ago, I proposed to him - Twice. The first time he said he was the traditional kind and that if we were going to get engaged he would be the one to ask. The second time he started crying and said he didn't know how he felt (which obviously hurt - a lot)

 

I've let it drop for now because I don't know what to do. I feel like we are falling apart. Like he's with me so he's not alone. On top of all that, I'm sure his parents don't think I'm good enough for him. They've helped us a lot over the last few years and I'm grateful for everything - but I just can't shake the feeling that they feel they have got to help to stop me taking him away from them.

 

I just need some advice. So we call it quits now and save any future heart ache? Or do we push through and try to make things work?

 

Sorry for rambling!!! Not what I would usually do as a newbie!!

 

Thanks guys x

 

When you go into a relationship with a deficit, you will come out with a deficit. The deficit is with him. He knew from the get-go that you loved him more than he does. Perhaps he knows this so he just went along for the ride for as long as he could get from you -- sex, affection, partnership (so he wouldn't be alone) and financial assistance. You would think that his parents would have pressured him to marry you and quickly have grand kids. Doesn't his mom want to hold her grandson? Any parents would just die for that especially if he's traditional? Makes you wonder huh? So why doesn't his parents look all too non-enthusiastic at his current enigma? Is there a conflict between him and his parents about you being his wife? Perhaps he's accepting common-law relationship as being something safe to play in the event that he can bail out of the relationship that he doesn't want to be in let alone the financial fall-out from a divorce. Sometimes insecure men will just enjoy the ride with the women they are not really in love with just so to get the status as being in a relationship. Why spoil a good thing, especially when you get to cum in a bucket too!

 

When a man truly loves a woman, he will honour the wedding vow of a woman.

[hestheone66]

at least for division of property

[man_in_the_box]

First off, I think you want to ignore the anti-marriage folks on here. They won't pass up a chance to hijack a thread with your title, trust me.

 

In all honesty I would be pretty insulted if my partner described our (6 year!) relationship as 'no commitment'. I guess that also means OP's boyfriend can just sleep around? I don't think so..

[CarefreeHailey]

I think this is the deal: the more you're looking for something (commitment from your man) and wondering when he'll be ready, the more you don't find it.

 

I wasn't looking for deep commitment and it already sought me twice. Both times breaking the exes bfs' hearts when they realized I didn't feel the same way nor was in their level.

 

Isn't that the weird contradiction to life. You're searching for something and you don't find it. Yet when you either aren't looking for that something and don't want it, it finds you.

[FitChick]

He couldn't afford to buy a house on his own so you are helping him. Are you sure you are on title? I'd have him buy you out because it's a good time to sell. We are headed into another housing bubble and you don't want to wait until it bursts again.

 

You have never been single. This is your first real relationship. You need to see what is out there because you could find someone much more compatible. Actually, I think you might like to have a little fun and see the world before getting tied down again. You don't know what you are missing!

[miss_jaclynrae]

Op, why did you buy a house with a boyfriend?

 

 

 

Sheesh, when my man brought up getting a car together, I made it a point that I wouldn't do it unless we were AT LEAST engaged, even then... I don't know if I would do it.

 

 

But buy a house together?

No. Never.