lavenderlove Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) If you have a look at my previous posts they will reveal a painful 3 months journey after a breakup with my ex of 8 yrs, heaps of confusion, and then finally getting more hopeful about life, bit by bit. For a few months now I think I am the happiest I have ever ever ever been. Everything started to take off in my life, those carts I have been pushing uphill were rolling down, and I was just running with it all, going with the flow, meeting new people, developing a new style a new philosophy of being. At the very hight of this journey I meet a guy at a party. He is asian, and tall and when I looked at him, there was a spark. Like I only felt this two times in my life. I didn't even have to lift a finger to wrap him around it. He pursued me instead instantly, and in a few hours I was in bed with him. Totally irresistible. Never have I've done this with a guy I actually liked. More info under: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/415601-ok-i-had-met-guy-our-house-party-last-night He takes me out on a date, and we talk and have sex all night, and I feel so relaxed in his company, that I don't even feel like telling him anything about me, because I feel that he knows. I feel so vulnerable because I feel he could see through any pretensions. He is so genuine, masculine and straight forward, that my heart just melts when I think of him. So there is not even any games between us. I had to sack my entire feminine arsenal. (scary huh?) And then in a few days he asks me if I was going to be his girlfriend. Via text message, because we are both very busy. Actually I hate it that he asked that in text message. On the other hand, nobody ever even asked me to be their girlfriend. We have only spent 2 nights together. So I am beginning to freak out. In the mean time I look into the fact that he is a Scorpio and I am a Taurus, and if you know a bit about star signs, you may know that that is a hot combo. The collation of two opposites. So I call a picnic to tell him that I am still falling out of love with my ex, and that I don't even know him, and tell him about all my fears that begin to surface. But as soon as I see him, everything between us feels so natural and strong that I don't even bother saying anything, because all my negative thoughts just vanish. But then I go home, and start remembering strange details, like that I didn't like his hat he wore to our fist date. Today I learnt that he sometimes eats McDonalds. I used to be vegan for two years. The thing is, that all my exes and I were similar. In out interests, style and taste of music etc. With him we are total opposites: my work on a large scale is about colour-he is colourblind I am artistic and creative-he is studying business management I used to travel and just go where the wind blows me across continents-he spent the last two years in compulsory military service and the ones before following his fathers directions...he still does. (because his dad is really successful in business, and he looks up to him and has similar goals in life)-I have a screwed up family...wont even start to explain I am impulsive-he is disciplined and..:-) I am a blond Caucasian and he is Asian I find this awesome, because we can learn so much from each other. I admire his personality, and sometimes he does things that mesmerise me. Example: when my alarm rang in the morning and my bag was far away, before I could even sit up, he said, 'stay' and he walked over and brought my bag to bed. And this seems the most natural thing for him to do, it seemed like he is not doing this because we are in the honeymoon period. This morning I went around to have breakfast with him, but before we left the house he hugged me for ten minutes, just smelling my hair and kissing me. I mean I just came from a relationship where my ex couldn't be bothered to pick me up from the airport after a 30hr flight. (I think this is the fifth time I mention this on this site:-)) Yet when he met me he wrote an essay about the way I walked, and dropped out of honours year at school to hang out. So I am not confident in my judgement of character, or at least I know that wonderful things can get poisonously sour. And regardless of my previous experience, when he holds me I feel so safe, that I have arrived, and all the hardship is finally over. So I feel like I just stupidly panic about the hat and Coca Cola. But these little things frighten me, and I am not sure why. Maybe because all this is going super fast. Have you ever experienced something like this? Any advice? I would so appreciate any thoughts. Edited August 21, 2013 by lavenderlove refining
FemmeMystere Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Well he sounds lovely. I think so many Asian guys are just gorgeous. The guy I'm currently dating is half Korean, half Chinese and absolute eye candy :love: I really don't have much insight to provide in this situation. Just enjoy the relationship, try not to analyze things too much, and keep an open mind and heart. Trust your instincts, but try not to be too pessimistic.
CherryT Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I read most of the post... and I agree, try not to stress and just let things move forward. I mean, you had sex with the guy and he wants to make you his girlfriend. A lot of girls want the men to commit and think sex will do it. So he's upfront and it sounds like he's looking for a relationship and not just someone to bang. The things you're picking up on are things that can be easily changed. A hat. really? You can buy him a new one for his birthday. I mean, there are some shirts my SO has that I don't like... but it's just a shirt. Also McDonalds? Well, he's a single bachelor and probably doesn't care too much to cook all the time. That can change. I think you just need some time and you can tell him that you hope it develops into a relationship but you want to get to know him more. Also, the whole asking on text thing... not a big deal if that's how you've been communicating a lot. I'm in a LDR and we have to be adaptive. Sometimes we text about serious topics if we can't get on the phone with one another (i.e. something happened at work and he needs my input. We're planning on getting married by the end of next year so he includes me in everything but it's hard to get access to call out of country at the drop of a hat).
Author lavenderlove Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Thanks for both your input. Regarding his looks he asked me how i think he should get his hair cut next time, as it is growing out a little bit. And he has very textural hair so I said he could grow it long. And he just replied ok, cool, I will grow it. And I am like really? And yes, we have been texting a lot because we are both very busy at the moment, so I don't mind. Regarding clothes, I think he is sort of hopelessly cute. I mean what can you do if you are slightly colourblind? No wonder things don't quite work. But my work is strongly related to fashion, and I communicate a lot through style, and I read people a lot by their style too. I just think it may not be good sign that already there is a list of things I want him to change. Although all these things seem to be in areas that a man sometimes needs looking after.
CherryT Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) Thanks for both your input. Regarding his looks he asked me how i think he should get his hair cut next time, as it is growing out a little bit. And he has very textural hair so I said he could grow it long. And he just replied ok, cool, I will grow it. And I am like really? And yes, we have been texting a lot because we are both very busy at the moment, so I don't mind. Regarding clothes, I think he is sort of hopelessly cute. I mean what can you do if you are slightly colourblind? No wonder things don't quite work. But my work is strongly related to fashion, and I communicate a lot through style, and I read people a lot by their style too. I just think it may not be good sign that already there is a list of things I want him to change. Although all these things seem to be in areas that a man sometimes needs looking after. Where do I even start... you have to first figure out if you're making excuses to not date him or if you're just freaking out that you like him so fast and you REALLY like him. If you're making excuses, is his fashion really it? You say he's different from all of your ex's so is there some part of you that's a bit nervous to bring him around your group because he's not like your ex's? Were you ex's all super fashionable? Maybe the fact he's different from your ex's is a good thing, considering they're your ex's. I understand you got out of a long relationship and it just might be too soon. But your reasons and things you want to change are really not that bad. You're not changing him if he's asking for suggestions. And just because you're fashion forward and he's not that "fashionable" doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate your line of work and creativity. Just like you're not in business, but you can appreciate the intelligence in him. My SO is not the most fashionable. He doesn't dress terrible either... but he's a civil engineer that works in construction like environments. I can't blame him for not owning more than one suit. I, on the other hand, own a business and am free to express myself the way I want. So certain days I dress business and other days I'm a bit more fashion forward. I definitely like my shoes, purses and accessories. Whereas he's more of a jeans and a T-shirt kind of guy. We're completely different in our styles but our core values and what we want out of life fit together and I would never trade him (someone who absolutely adores me and someone who is committed, loyal and wants to work together to build our dream life) for someone who had more style. What I'm trying to say is that... you are either making an excuse because 1) you're just not ready and it's too soon or 2) you're surprised with yourself because there's a real connection and you're not sure what to do with it. If it's the latter, I suggest just taking some more time to get to know him and figure out whether you both are on the same page in terms of things you want to achieve in life and what you want out of a relationship. Once you find those things out you may like him more and his style or his color blindness (which he can't control) may no longer bother you. Edited August 21, 2013 by CherryT
FemmeMystere Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Regarding clothes, I think he is sort of hopelessly cute. I mean what can you do if you are slightly colourblind? No wonder things don't quite work. My guy was like this too when we first started dating, and he doesn't have colorblindness as an excuse, lol. His fashion sense was very basic (slacks/polos, business casual). He likes my style and asked me what I thought about how he dressed (my career is also fashion-related), and I was honest with him. I told him I thought his manner of dress was nice, but average. Not what I'd consider "stylish." Since that discussion, he's been making some... uhh... interesting attempts at trying to be more fashionable, pretty much hit or miss. We'll probably go to the mall together at some point. I'm realistic about how fashionable the average straight man is going to be, and as long as his clothes are clean and neat, I'll work with him I just think it may not be good sign that already there is a list of things I want him to change. It's great that your guy is open to change, and it's not bad if you can help him improve in ways that he wants to. Work with him on the things that he's flexible with, and don't bother nagging him if he seems set in his ways about something.
Divasu Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 IHave you ever experienced something like this? Any advice? I would so appreciate any thoughts. Yes, occasionally. I believe it is referred to as 'infatuation'... Enjoy it, but try to keep two feet firmly planted on the ground too.
Author lavenderlove Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Where do I even start... you have to first figure out if you're making excuses to not date him or if you're just freaking out that you like him so fast and you REALLY like him. If you're making excuses, is his fashion really it? You say he's different from all of your ex's so is there some part of you that's a bit nervous to bring him around your group because he's not like your ex's? Were you ex's all super fashionable? Maybe the fact he's different from your ex's is a good thing, considering they're your ex's. I understand you got out of a long relationship and it just might be too soon. But your reasons and things you want to change are really not that bad. You're not changing him if he's asking for suggestions. And just because you're fashion forward and he's not that "fashionable" doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate your line of work and creativity. Just like you're not in business, but you can appreciate the intelligence in him. My SO is not the most fashionable. He doesn't dress terrible either... but he's a civil engineer that works in construction like environments. I can't blame him for not owning more than one suit. I, on the other hand, own a business and am free to express myself the way I want. So certain days I dress business and other days I'm a bit more fashion forward. I definitely like my shoes, purses and accessories. Whereas he's more of a jeans and a T-shirt kind of guy. We're completely different in our styles but our core values and what we want out of life fit together and I would never trade him (someone who absolutely adores me and someone who is committed, loyal and wants to work together to build our dream life) for someone who had more style. What I'm trying to say is that... you are either making an excuse because 1) you're just not ready and it's too soon or 2) you're surprised with yourself because there's a real connection and you're not sure what to do with it. If it's the latter, I suggest just taking some more time to get to know him and figure out whether you both are on the same page in terms of things you want to achieve in life and what you want out of a relationship. Once you find those things out you may like him more and his style or his color blindness (which he can't control) may no longer bother you. I am an extremely open minded person, and have a very wide spectrum of friends, different tastes, different interests, ages etc, so I have already set a time to have him meet my friends. I am nervous about it, but I am generally nervous even when I introduce one of my best friends to the other, this is just who I am. My ex was fashionable, but in his own way...so even better than good, he had his own style. He was very creative as well, and I enjoyed that, we did lots of creative fun staff together, but this is not an essential part of a relationship for me. I actually find it so exciting that this guy is not like that. I feel like he has the knowledge of things that I strive to learn in life, so I think partly the reason why I am so attracted to him is this opposites kind of setup. He is very responsible and I am flighty and so I can lighten his life and he can ground me, which is something I am putting a lot of effort in learning how to do. I like the way you described your relationship, and this is my dream too. I am sick of cool empty guys. Ok, so regarding option 1 and 2, it's both. It is super soon, considering I was kind of imagining to be single for a few years, and was happy about it. All this really frightens me out of the blue, like a panic strike, and I have all these insecurities and fears rush to my mind, and my ex is always mixed up in those thoughts. So what I did to resolved this I wrote him (not to my ex, we are NC) an e-mail explaining how I feel about him, and how these fears affect me. I know that when I see him these fears go away, so I suggested to meet more regularly, so I get to know him more, and get validation that I am not falling head over heels in love with an imaginary person. I believe it is referred to as 'infatuation'... In the past when I had this experience, as soon as I got to know the guy, meaning 2nd meet-up I knew instantly, that he is not the person I thought he is, so I let it go. But this guy proves me right every time, and even goes beyond anything I ever had to courage to wish for.
Author lavenderlove Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 My guy was like this too when we first started dating, and he doesn't have colorblindness as an excuse, lol. His fashion sense was very basic (slacks/polos, business casual). He likes my style and asked me what I thought about how he dressed (my career is also fashion-related), and I was honest with him. I told him I thought his manner of dress was nice, but average. Not what I'd consider "stylish." Since that discussion, he's been making some... uhh... interesting attempts at trying to be more fashionable, pretty much hit or miss. We'll probably go to the mall together at some point. I'm realistic about how fashionable the average straight man is going to be, and as long as his clothes are clean and neat, I'll work with him Quote: Originally Posted by lavenderlove I just think it may not be good sign that already there is a list of things I want him to change. It's great that your guy is open to change, and it's not bad if you can help him improve in ways that he wants to. Work with him on the things that he's flexible with, and don't bother nagging him if he seems set in his ways about something. I think his colourblindness is so cute. lol When he told me he was trying to explain just how colourblind he is...he was worried that he wont be able to get a licence, but luckily it's not that bad. So I tested him, and he couldn't tell the difference between a light sage green and grey. Anyhow, I am very happy to work with him too. when I fist saw him he was wearing head to toe black and was soo so sexy, I think there is heaps of potential there. And when I look at his clothes individually they are ok, it's just the way he puts them together. I guess I need to change my attitude, because my ex was very headstrong regarding clothes, he would never wear something just because I like it, not even from his wardrobe, not even for a day. And I have a feeling that this guy would be happy to accept my help. It's great that your guy is open to change, and it's not bad if you can help him improve in ways that he wants to. Work with him on the things that he's flexible with, and don't bother nagging him if he seems set in his ways about something. Thanks so much for your comments, I am so happy to hear that these aren't big deals at all, and I am blowing it out of proportion. This is what I was thinking, I don't want to insult him, so I will be very careful and respectful.
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