lonegirl Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I told a bit of my story already... i was the dumper, but was something I unfortunately had to do. I broke up loving him but knowing we can't live together without someone being destroyed. Right now it's been 2 months and 1 week we broke up, and this is week 4 of no contact, since the last time he tried and i heard something from him. I was doing well, still suffering very much but was socializing with another guy who was making me somehow happy... not sure if it will work out in the long run anyways. The last days something hit me pretty hard. Everything I didn't feel post-break up and when he decided to go NC came in one shot. I truly feel down. Thinking I built a life with him for 3 years, slowly, and this year would be the time we could finally settle and truly live together is crushing me down so hard. I miss his friendship, even tho he was not the best friend I've had in this life... miss the dogs so much. Miss not being alone, and having someone to talk to even not getting any answer sometimes... I'm just hating being alone right now. I'm just venting... tears come and sometimes i'm not even thinking about anything, the crushing sensation on my chest is what makes them just drop. I just miss so much the future I thought i would have. I miss the man I love so much... and even if all he had to me was a fake care, I miss that too because it was better than the nothing i currently have. I almost contacted him... but i can't. Knowing everything was always about control and power, he was always the boss, i can't give him ammo to shoot me down. I just can swallow and go, tomorrow will be the same, and after, and after... more pain, i'm not getting any better. Went out today, to see some clothes, shoes... it's so pointless. Dress for who... remembering i liked to go to the same stores one year ago, to choose something he would like to see me wearing is mindblowing. I just want to sleep for months and wake up when everything gets better
Lovebuddy Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 could you give him a chance?? Take it very, very slowly , talk to him and see does he improve?
JourneyLady Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 could you give him a chance?? Take it very, very slowly , talk to him and see does he improve? I doubt very much if things would change. In some relationships one person cares more than the other and it's all about power and control. Most women will try talking it out first before we bail. By the sounds of it, I imagine OP has done that. If not, then maybe she should - but I think probably that time has been and gone. lonegirl - I am very much in the same place. I spent five years of my life caring for my ex-bf, trying to find some (any!) workable way we could be together. In the end, he sabotaged each and every situation with his behavior. I had to dump him, mainly because every time I needed his support, he made me feel worse, not better. Granted, dumping him meant I might have NO emotional support, but it does leave me free to find someone (or wait for someone) who will be supportive. I too, find myself empty at times. It's worse even, because I'm completely broke at the moment after having spent so much on him and the dreams of being with him. I'm filling my time with the things I love to do no matter what mood I'm in. Things like... well reading here, working on web pages, doing graphics and writing poetry and taking nature trails. And then we have to find meaning. Who do you care about in your life besides the ex? Friends? Family? Spend time with them if you can. And... if there isn't anyone close -- how about helping to make the world a better place? There's always somewhere to volunteer and that will be such a wonderful contribution and get your mind on other things at the same time. (It also makes a person grateful for what they have - as I found out.) No, all that's "not the same", and I can empathize as I am sort of back and forth in a similar type break-up. It doesn't feel as if I can ever enter that dream of being with someone again. We all want to love and be loved and the reason is that it makes us feel "connected" to the world and gives some meaning to our lives. But there are ways around that, finding that, without the ex. I won't tell you to just "get over it" because that isn't a choice. It's a process. And it hurts for a while - how long depends on how much of ourselves we spent on the relationship. A decades long one sometimes hurts less than a shorter relationship's break-up if you spent less of yourself and your dreams on the second. I'm sorry for your heartbreak. I am there as well. Sometimes it's much better. Other times it's worse and harder to forget. Hang in there! Hugs!
Author lonegirl Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) I doubt very much if things would change. In some relationships one person cares more than the other and it's all about power and control. Most women will try talking it out first before we bail. By the sounds of it, I imagine OP has done that. If not, then maybe she should - but I think probably that time has been and gone. You are right, and your description of your relationship is very similar to mine. So you understand how hard it is and how i feel sometimes... I dream often he comes to me saying he improved, he made some therapy and did something concrete to save us, to restart, to have us back together, i would think for a day but would take him back with open arms. He helped building these dreams I have now crushed by feeding them... but i can't hate him for anything, no matter what happened (and bad things happened, very bad ones). Yes, I tried hard to make it works and tried to talk to him for 3 years. I wrote him a letter. Was planning to send it, empty letter just saying I still love him even after this time we are apart but i'm not sending. i can't send it, the wall between us is so big and i know i will regret doing it. I don't know how are his current feelings as well. Yes i guess i'm going to try to stop thinking about the future and maybe focus on something, a hobby, i like drawing and knitting and also doing nail art... will look for some therapy myself too. Guess i never needed it like right now. Thank you so much for the replies, and i wish you too all happiness i wish for myself. Edited August 21, 2013 by lonegirl adding some more info.
barky2 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I told a bit of my story already... i was the dumper, but was something I unfortunately had to do. I broke up loving him but knowing we can't live together without someone being destroyed. Right now it's been 2 months and 1 week we broke up, and this is week 4 of no contact, since the last time he tried and i heard something from him. I was doing well, still suffering very much but was socializing with another guy who was making me somehow happy... not sure if it will work out in the long run anyways. The last days something hit me pretty hard. Everything I didn't feel post-break up and when he decided to go NC came in one shot. I truly feel down. Thinking I built a life with him for 3 years, slowly, and this year would be the time we could finally settle and truly live together is crushing me down so hard. I miss his friendship, even tho he was not the best friend I've had in this life... miss the dogs so much. Miss not being alone, and having someone to talk to even not getting any answer sometimes... I'm just hating being alone right now. I'm just venting... tears come and sometimes i'm not even thinking about anything, the crushing sensation on my chest is what makes them just drop. I just miss so much the future I thought i would have. I miss the man I love so much... and even if all he had to me was a fake care, I miss that too because it was better than the nothing i currently have. I almost contacted him... but i can't. Knowing everything was always about control and power, he was always the boss, i can't give him ammo to shoot me down. I just can swallow and go, tomorrow will be the same, and after, and after... more pain, i'm not getting any better. Went out today, to see some clothes, shoes... it's so pointless. Dress for who... remembering i liked to go to the same stores one year ago, to choose something he would like to see me wearing is mindblowing. I just want to sleep for months and wake up when everything gets better I know first hand, it sucks...ass...really bad. You've said it was toxic and it wasn't right...your mind is already made up. You need to give yourself time. Being alone sucks..know it all too well. It may work out in the end, you may find someone else..who knows, that's the beauty of it all. Take time for yourself..cry if needed. Just - stay - strong. You'll get thru it and be Ok I promise. Barky 2
templeofmax Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) WHOA, I'm on the other side of this situation I BELIEVE! We loved each other, but her constant insecurities and my temper resulted in lots of fights about useless stuff. I wasnt patient for her as I thought I would be. At the end, by contacting her family saying we needed to take a break, she, who had warned me about contacting her family about our issues, just broke it off. I did it out of anxiety and impulse. I was in between NC and text terrorism and got ignored. Now I have been 2 months NC, but I am really changing. I was always impatient, chasing her down the street when she was upset and did not want to talk, going to her apartment angry since she did not want to talk (inside the relationship), etc. I know she needs to start working on her insecurities as well, but I do miss her a lot, even though the relationship became toxic. She has been traveling with cousins, meeting up with friends, but now she is back in town starting work again (she is a teacher) and my anxiety is coming back again thinking if she still loves me (she still has our pics on her FB) and would be willing to hear me out for 10 min at least. Sometimes I think I should just go there where she lives and wait for her and ask her to listen to me. However, I am thinking that 2 months of NC is not nearly enough. To show her change, I really have to show her, and going to her place doesn't. I am afraid to send something though and break NC and get ignored again. So I am thinking that your BF may be in the same position. Wanting to communicate with you, but thinking you won't take him back. However, if nothing has changed, nothing changes. Maybe mine misses me and loves me still, but with her family against me and my family against her, things look bleak. However, I know If I show change things could be different. I am a better man and maybe need some more time, but I don't want to give up. The heart wants what the heart wants. I also think, her family is convincing her I am not good for her (because of a couple of issues in the past) and it hurts cause I am a loyal, honest, good guy who just suffers from anxiety and made mistakes. Edited August 21, 2013 by templeofmax
Author lonegirl Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 In the beginning I was like you templeofmax... his cold way drove me insane, he didn't want to talk about things, in the first year I was very immature and couldn't handle so much this but I learned with time and got more understanding. I somehow grew up and knew i needed a different approach, and i tried everything I could... he was just so stubborn and refused to work together. He used to say it was his past relationships, and also his culture (he's swedish)... but I never closed my eyes to the little improvement he made on himself, as he became a more positive and cheerful person (i'm that kind of person that finds fun in the smallest things and can laugh of a joke for hours). He said himself he loved my way, as his previous girlfriends were more serious and not funny at all, and didn't care for him as i did. Also said he didn't want to lose me because he truly loved me and this was bigger than any problems and that the 3 years we spent together were the best of his life; he said he was aware of his mistakes and how much hurt he gave me in some moments. I couldn't forgive yet the fact he took me so much for granted. He didn't want to work out on the smallest things i asked him... they were not so big, I just wanted him to trust me more and opened up, and considered me as a friend, his best friend. There were NO things unspoken from my side. He wanted to try after I lost my trust on him, and after he sent me a text, while drunk, he never considered me his first best as his male best friend (this one doesn't like me at all, and i never knew why. I guess is because he is single and doesn't have a girl for ages, I don't know, never did anything to him. He was just totally stuck on my ex and tried to keep us apart a few times), just because he sometimes bought him a pack of cigarettes or something stupid... this i could never forget. He was my best friend and there was no one that could replace him to me. I maybe taught him something, being more cheerful, and he taught me to love him the way he is. But he scared me... I truly got scared for the future with a man that didn't demonstrate respect for me as a person. There was nothing else I could do to make it balanced... just hoping for him to wake up. Then when and if it happened, I would be destroyed... another person. I'm just talking and venting lol... is sad to maybe think I can never have this same feeling I have for him with someone else. Is sad to need to let this die slowly, and a part of me with it... is just everything so sad. I do love him so much in a way I cried for days just for the pain I may have caused him for breaking up.
Knoxpwns Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) I told a bit of my story already... i was the dumper, but was something I unfortunately had to do. I broke up loving him but knowing we can't live together without someone being destroyed. Right now it's been 2 months and 1 week we broke up, and this is week 4 of no contact, since the last time he tried and i heard something from him. I was doing well, still suffering very much but was socializing with another guy who was making me somehow happy... not sure if it will work out in the long run anyways. The last days something hit me pretty hard. Everything I didn't feel post-break up and when he decided to go NC came in one shot. I truly feel down. Thinking I built a life with him for 3 years, slowly, and this year would be the time we could finally settle and truly live together is crushing me down so hard. I miss his friendship, even tho he was not the best friend I've had in this life... miss the dogs so much. Miss not being alone, and having someone to talk to even not getting any answer sometimes... I'm just hating being alone right now. I'm just venting... tears come and sometimes i'm not even thinking about anything, the crushing sensation on my chest is what makes them just drop. I just miss so much the future I thought i would have. I miss the man I love so much... and even if all he had to me was a fake care, I miss that too because it was better than the nothing i currently have. I almost contacted him... but i can't. Knowing everything was always about control and power, he was always the boss, i can't give him ammo to shoot me down. I just can swallow and go, tomorrow will be the same, and after, and after... more pain, i'm not getting any better. Went out today, to see some clothes, shoes... it's so pointless. Dress for who... remembering i liked to go to the same stores one year ago, to choose something he would like to see me wearing is mindblowing. I just want to sleep for months and wake up when everything gets better I'm really sorry I feel your pain. I realized my ex-gf had faked years of love. Its crushing, and I literally can't comprehend what would drive someone to do that to another. I was ready to take on the world with her. I was ready to be that old couple that has been married for 50 years and still loves each other like the day we met. Honestly, where you and I see the most eye to eye is just how lonely I am, even surrounded by friends. Its like im wearing this smiling mask, but I can't open up to friends and family because they haven't experienced what I have. She was my best friend. I miss being able to text her all the stupid and funny stuff I think of through the day, just to make her smile. Im wrapped in a support net, but have still never felt so alone. As for you, I don't see you as the dumper, at least you shouldn't feel guilty. You are less of a dumper, and more of a dumpee who had the strength and courage to cut it off when it needed to be. I didn't. Honestly, the fact that you were able to, to me, is inspiring. It takes some serious courage to do that. Nobody deserves fake love. it might seem better now, but remember how that fake love felt? Imagine meeting a guy where that is real. Where he really does care, and loves you equal to that of your love for him. THAT is what you deserve. You seem like a really sweet girl who got stuck with a tool. I know it's hard right now, I'm treading the same water as you (im one month NC too). The advantage for you is you already have proven how strong you are. Great things will come your way Edited August 21, 2013 by Knoxpwns 1
Author lonegirl Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Yes I know this is natural for a dumped person... And I told my story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417010-dumper-s-side Anyways, exactly one month of no contact. Was reading on the ipad when I heard the notification sound, and on the top of the screen I could see it was him. He called me on facebook... Immediately I started to cry and shake, cold sweats. still having them right now. I couldn't stop crying for 5 minutes, and sat there by the pc to answer him still dropping tears. Thought he already had move on and didn't even think of me anymore. Light conversation. Wanted to know about me, how I was, and to vent he can't forget me. Asked me to not block this account as i did to the others. I've been suffering so much too. I could hear anyone's advice and keep shut... I couldn't. I can't ignore my love of life, and can't come back to him either. I'm so unhappy of my luck. He said he never could delete my pictures. Anxiety attacks every time he tried... He said he can't move on, flirt, chat with anybody else. Said i'm just stuck in his head and I am a huge part of his existence. Now I'm crying my eyes out. Will never love someone like this again. Will never give myself so much like I did to him. I, still... Just am too scared.
clairedunham Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 This brought tears to my eyes. You have to forgive each other. Have like an hour talk because you cant live like this
Omei Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) Don't reply stay NC you said he was abusive in your post remember why you broke up with him in the first place, all those sweet things hes saying about pictures and stuff he'll take them down trust me once hes over you he wont say those things anymore YOU left, rightly so too from your story but stay NC hes not going to heal if you cave and reply to him. oh and trust me when you find a relationship that isnt as toxtic as this one was you'll giggle at your ill never love anyone this much again comment. Edited August 27, 2013 by Omei 2
Soat Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Don't reply stay NC you said he was abusive in your post remember why you broke up with him in the first place, all those sweet things hes saying about pictures and stuff he'll take them down trust me once hes over you he wont say those things anymore YOU left, rightly so too from your story but stay NC hes not going to heal if you cave and reply to him. oh and trust me when you find a relationship that isnt as toxtic as this one was you'll giggle at your ill never love anyone this much again comment. THIS is right on target!
JDPT Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Never say never, I just like you used to say to myself that I would never find someone like my ex as I used to view her as "perfection". It took me roughly 3.5 months after being dumped to realize that there are plenty of girls out there and me wanting and wishing to find someone like my ex was simply wishful thinking and anxiety getting the best of me. Be strong don't give up, we are all on the same boat here. Recommit to NC and fully adhere to it. Remember that this is survival now and you are all that matters at this point. 1
Author lonegirl Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) a little update... the last two days couldn't resist and was talking to him, light conversations, how we changed in one month etc. He, always sneaky... complimenting my beauty and these stuff. Said too he wasn't being able to look to any other woman, well, common things. I just got this evening a very bad feeling after we spoke. Nothing bad was said, i just felt everything was so wrong, i felt tears in my eyes and i was SO much better before breaking no contact... Just told him to leave me alone, as there's no hope for us, and it's too early for any kind of friendship also. He lives 13,000 km away from me and for this to works i have to go there myself, as he never left the country. Not doing and sweet words will never convice me!!! i think i have a strong trauma. I think i need some therapy... i'm mad at all this, i was doing so well I feel dirty again. He didn't answer to the last message, but i'm sure he will try the next days to send something stupid. I'm so tired. Wanna quit facebook forever now Edited August 28, 2013 by lonegirl mispelling, i'm nervous :(
Author lonegirl Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Final update, I accepted a relationship request from my new guy on fb, I like him a lot, my ex saw and said goodbye, guess our story is finally over now.
barky2 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Are you completely ready for a new relationship? Barky
Author lonegirl Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Are you completely ready for a new relationship? I don't feel I will ever get over it. But I must try. I'm starting to like my new boyfriend, he's cute and very nice, we share the same life wishes... So my answer is I don't know. He's also leaving a failed relationship, so I guess we will discover together. But I felt alive again today, long time I don't see colors in things!
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